Tonight is just another night for many but for me it is significant. It has been a long day. I have been in a funk. I know that at midnight, after twelve bells, my spirit will rise again, probably occurring in my sleep, and as I wake to a new day, I will have regained my positive outlook on life.
Anniversaries of deaths have a way of doing that to a person. That is, putting them in a funk. For a few weeks now I have been preparing myself for this grand occasion. Out of necessity, out of love, out of the right thing to do I guess - how do you honor this day without turning into a blubbering big baby?
I began by attempting to make Ice Luminaries. I got this idea from good friends of ours who made them and had them out on Bruce's grave after his funeral. They went out nightly and lit them I believe. We went out on that first Valentines day as a family. It just seemed to have significant meaning to me, these ice luminaries. He died on a very cold day- represented by this ice. Yet, they are so beautiful to see when lit, ice and fire together.
So, in a one gallon ice cream container that I had filled with water (3 times) - then followed by a stint out in the coldest January for a long time - the water froze almost. It did bear some watching. It took about 9 hours (times 3) to freeze almost completely. The goal was that there would still be a liquid center, that I could break through. This inside hollowed area would be big enough for a candle. I made three of them this year, just in case one broke, my goal was to have 2 to take out to the grave today. I had been able to keep them outside on my front step until last weekend when the temperatures climbed to near 50degrees. By the time I got out to them, they were well on the way to melting! I salvaged two of them and stuck them in the freezer.
So, this morning I made my trek out to the cemetery early before work. With me, were the two ice luminaries and a container of votive candles and matches. I had emailed the kids yesterday to tell them of my plan to have these out on the grave, "just in case" they happen to be out there today. I haven't been out there since before Christmas. I just sometimes don't like going by myself. The kids and I have talked about it and their dad isn't out there! I know that too. But, today - I was paying my respect to him. I trudged out on the hard snow. There are many deep footprints in the snow that go up and over Bruce and around the back of him. Lance did attempt to change the batteries in the green light that is on his gravestone base at Christmas, but with the cold and who knows bad batteries, it isn't lit. I guess I will deal with that when spring comes. In my email to the kids, I told them I had two ice luminaries this year. Maybe next year, there will be three and every year after that another! I joked with them and said something like, just imagine when I am 80 ------- there will be 26 ice luminaries out on his grave. Imagining myself traipsing out there and diligently lighting all 25! I guess I have to make light of this day. Otherwise it just seems to suck badly!
There is much I miss. Tonight I was emptying the dishwasher and was reminded that Bruce almost always emptied it! He felt like he was really helping me, and he was. My kitchen isn't very big so you can almost empty the dishwasher standing still. I can still see him standing in the kitchen putting dishes away almost every afternoon when he would get home from work. Tomorrow is garbage day, and almost every week, I am again reminded of this task I have assumed since he is gone. I looked at the oil change label on the car windshield tonight. I have about 1000 miles to go before I need to have it changed. I will get the tires rotated this time too. On Sunday before the Superbowl, I went out and carried in another load of wood to start a fire. Heaving my canvas carrier with a wide stance, I slowly walked down the steps. if I am careful, I will have enough wood for several warm evenings. These are just a few of the things that he did and now I do.
I know that better days are ahead. I have a trip with 9 friends to Texas planned for later this month. In May I plan to go to California. There will be many moments spent with family. I am looking forward to warmer weather and spring time. Our widows group has really jelled, 13 women were over here on Friday for a wine tasting that included much laughter. Lance & Shayna have plans to move somewhere to find jobs out west after graduation and I hope I can be part of that process. I am very much considering a trip to Africa in the fall to see with my own eyes an orphan project I am supporting. There aren't many dull moments in my life.
So, to end on a high note, this will be my final blog. I have decided to close this chapter of my life on February 3, 2009. This process of grieving that I have been in and expressing through this blog has revealed much about me, my family and my thoughts. I did it because it felt right to do. Now I am quitting because it feels like it is the right thing to do. I want to move on. I am not sure how I am going to do that. But, I am ready to begin a new chapter. Maybe I will begin another blog, but for now - Deb After Bruce 2 years in the making says - Farewell, Godspeed and Thank You - to all who responded, supported me, shared your thoughts either via email, in person or not! My hope is that something I said along this journey I have been on impacted you in a positive way. And....if ever I can be of help to you or yours, know that I am just an email away.
debra.tokheim@sbcglobal.net
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Clear thoughts on the Good Life and de-cluttering
Last weekend I put away all of the Christmas decorations again. What a job this has become. There are a total of 5 large crates that contain this stuff! I love it, don't get me wrong - but, pushing those crates back into the closet felt really really good this time. And, since then - being in my home alone that has not gotten messed up too much - I am feeling - well - a sense of clarity - which somehow makes me feel in control.
Maybe this seems so on the front of my thoughts today because I passed time channel-flipping last night to a program called CLEAN HOUSE - which in essence is about people who have lost control of the contents inside of their home and have put out an SOS! And, a television show has been created to watch these people get help cleaning out the mess they have created. Inside this home, were piles of clothing, blankets, bedding, books, computers, etc..you name it - it was there. The lady evidently has a shopping problem and can not pass up a good deal.
First off, I am not here to judge how others live or keep their home. But, the irony of all of this is that in the past three weeks, I have mentioned a book to people - three times that is - titled,
I have never forgotten this book or that quote and I truly felt at the time I was living the good life! Even when my business wasn't exactly flourishing or 'successful' in the monetary end, I believed my life was about more than how much money I brought in. Perhaps I was justifying my circumstances at the time. But, in reality - I loved what I did, I loved our life, and I tried to enhance the lives of others daily. Well, I have again been thinking about this quote. Or, IT - has been popping into my consciousness a lot lately! Over, Christmas, I shared this quote with my nephew - who is an adventurer and seeker of seeing what lies beyond his backyard. As I shared the quote with him, he sat up straighter, and I could tell he was engaged. He wanted the title of the book. Then a one week later, I was visiting on the phone with a good friend. Our conversations always entail the usual -"how are you?"-stuff, but - she and I truly go deeper - sharing our happiness, our unhappiness, our frustrations, our sense of angst that seems to cause ripples of unease. She is one of my best prayer buddies. Her faith is strong and deep, she is a true servant of God. We are as different as night and day in many respects! She thinks in black and white, I think in gray. She is structured, I am unstructured. She doesn't feel she has an ounce of creativity and I seem to live in the world of make believe~ but we both feel that GOD placed us on the same path - to nudge one another, support each other and be there to lift, support and love one another. So...it was during our most recent conversation - that she shared this unsureness and signal for guidance again in her life. I brought up this book and it's quote and the title. She too, listened, asked about it more and planned to go find it.
And, now again - for the third time - yesterday, with my group of Widows who share the same life-raft I am on - I felt the nudging to discuss this book. Beyond the "good life" quote, it really is about LETTING GO! Letting go of stuff that keeps us from doing, but most importantly about letting us from being who we are truly meant to be. As I am rereading this book, it is uplifting me - out of Christmas - into the Epiphany of revealing what is to be; along with the clear cold nights, the stars that seem to shine so bright, the sharp cold air that I breathe in; all of this has helped me clear my thoughts and see! Maybe it is because of where I am at. It will soon be two years since Bruce died.
Lately, I have been doing some rereading of my original caringbridge writings. You see, I have been composing words and pictures in a book format since February 2007. It is nearly finished. For months, I wasn't able to work on it. I couldn't think clearly about it, but recently - since Christmas, since the declutter, since the cold snap and since revisiting this quote - I have felt a thought-stream happening in my head. This book I have titled Seasons of Love and it entails our ordeal, the year before and the year after Bruce died. I am making copies for my family members. I am very excited about it and can't wait to complete it. My goal is February 3, 2009! With the finishing up of this book, I believe I am letting go and moving forward in my life. I don't see this as letting go of Bruce nor of his memory. I know our love was real and have all of the memories to prove it. Rather, I am letting go of the things that have kept me stuck - that have held me back - I do feel stronger than ever before. But, in saying that - I am going to be cautious! I believe that serendipity is all around us. It just happens - but in those moments when we falter or life craps on us - we are to just look up and say, "yes - ok, I don't understand, but I know that I will be just that - OK!"
Well, again my thoughts, as clear as they can be on a January night in 2009 on the GOOD LIFE, De-cluttering and Letting Go! And, please don't waste a second watching that television show!
Maybe this seems so on the front of my thoughts today because I passed time channel-flipping last night to a program called CLEAN HOUSE - which in essence is about people who have lost control of the contents inside of their home and have put out an SOS! And, a television show has been created to watch these people get help cleaning out the mess they have created. Inside this home, were piles of clothing, blankets, bedding, books, computers, etc..you name it - it was there. The lady evidently has a shopping problem and can not pass up a good deal.
First off, I am not here to judge how others live or keep their home. But, the irony of all of this is that in the past three weeks, I have mentioned a book to people - three times that is - titled,
Repacking your Bagswith the subtitle being Lighten your Load for the Rest of your Life . I was given this book by my brother-in-law, Joel in 1996 to read. It was a turning point in his life and in mine. For me, I was beginning a new career. I read it in a flash and memorized the quote that became a sustaining force in my life. It was the definition of What is the Good Life? the authors of this book defined it as, "Living in the place you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work on purpose". It was simple, yet so profound and offered me a platform on which to live and build my life as I left my nursing career and went into uncharted waters of sales and management.
I have never forgotten this book or that quote and I truly felt at the time I was living the good life! Even when my business wasn't exactly flourishing or 'successful' in the monetary end, I believed my life was about more than how much money I brought in. Perhaps I was justifying my circumstances at the time. But, in reality - I loved what I did, I loved our life, and I tried to enhance the lives of others daily. Well, I have again been thinking about this quote. Or, IT - has been popping into my consciousness a lot lately! Over, Christmas, I shared this quote with my nephew - who is an adventurer and seeker of seeing what lies beyond his backyard. As I shared the quote with him, he sat up straighter, and I could tell he was engaged. He wanted the title of the book. Then a one week later, I was visiting on the phone with a good friend. Our conversations always entail the usual -"how are you?"-stuff, but - she and I truly go deeper - sharing our happiness, our unhappiness, our frustrations, our sense of angst that seems to cause ripples of unease. She is one of my best prayer buddies. Her faith is strong and deep, she is a true servant of God. We are as different as night and day in many respects! She thinks in black and white, I think in gray. She is structured, I am unstructured. She doesn't feel she has an ounce of creativity and I seem to live in the world of make believe~ but we both feel that GOD placed us on the same path - to nudge one another, support each other and be there to lift, support and love one another. So...it was during our most recent conversation - that she shared this unsureness and signal for guidance again in her life. I brought up this book and it's quote and the title. She too, listened, asked about it more and planned to go find it.
And, now again - for the third time - yesterday, with my group of Widows who share the same life-raft I am on - I felt the nudging to discuss this book. Beyond the "good life" quote, it really is about LETTING GO! Letting go of stuff that keeps us from doing, but most importantly about letting us from being who we are truly meant to be. As I am rereading this book, it is uplifting me - out of Christmas - into the Epiphany of revealing what is to be; along with the clear cold nights, the stars that seem to shine so bright, the sharp cold air that I breathe in; all of this has helped me clear my thoughts and see! Maybe it is because of where I am at. It will soon be two years since Bruce died.
Lately, I have been doing some rereading of my original caringbridge writings. You see, I have been composing words and pictures in a book format since February 2007. It is nearly finished. For months, I wasn't able to work on it. I couldn't think clearly about it, but recently - since Christmas, since the declutter, since the cold snap and since revisiting this quote - I have felt a thought-stream happening in my head. This book I have titled Seasons of Love and it entails our ordeal, the year before and the year after Bruce died. I am making copies for my family members. I am very excited about it and can't wait to complete it. My goal is February 3, 2009! With the finishing up of this book, I believe I am letting go and moving forward in my life. I don't see this as letting go of Bruce nor of his memory. I know our love was real and have all of the memories to prove it. Rather, I am letting go of the things that have kept me stuck - that have held me back - I do feel stronger than ever before. But, in saying that - I am going to be cautious! I believe that serendipity is all around us. It just happens - but in those moments when we falter or life craps on us - we are to just look up and say, "yes - ok, I don't understand, but I know that I will be just that - OK!"
Well, again my thoughts, as clear as they can be on a January night in 2009 on the GOOD LIFE, De-cluttering and Letting Go! And, please don't waste a second watching that television show!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Me, New You, New Year
Have you ever thought that each moment you are a new you? That the moment, second, minute, hour prior to this one in now in the past and just a part of your memory, your history and your life?
I have been having twink lings of this message for quite some time now. It has come along with the feeling that I am really O.K. again. And, actually that I am more O.K. than I have been in a long time and that I am even EXCITED about me being so O.K. about me!
Well, O.K. .... lets get on with this musing - as 2008 is past and before me and you is a fresh slate - a New Year - a new dawn - yes - ...
Little discoveries I have noticed about this message I am receiving have come in the way of my general disposition. I have left the anger, the sadness and the life sucks mode and have now entered into some new phase of being. It gives me a feeling of youth to some degree! And with that new bounce in my step is a sense of adventure, excitement and eagerness to step out into the world of life and be ready for what may come!
Perhaps it has to do with the 10minute Workout DVDs that I caved in and purchased one night while at Matts working! Yes, it was an infomercial. I watched and listened to these testimonials, seeing the flab, the fat and the sad forlorn-looks in the BEFORE pictures. And, then there were the new look AFTER pictures. I told myself - I didn't need this, I wouldn't use them - etc, etc. But - as the well planned testimonials got more touching and therefore more believing - the final one was the straw! Yes, there was a woman in her 50's whose life had been totally turned around by doing this daily 10 minute workout. The pictures proved it. She was even crying during the interview! That did it! I was sold! I told myself - "Deb, first of all - you are worth the $ - secondly - you have only about 10" per day to workout - and thirdly - it's your birthday! So....there!" I then picked up my cell phone and called! For the money I spent, I received 2 DVD's, a pair of resistance bands, two handles, a journal and of course the most important item - a measuring tape!
The first time I attempted to do this workout, my heart was racing after 40 seconds, I was sweating furiously and couldn't do half of what the instructors were doing or nearly as effortlessly at all! Let's put it this way! I am glad I live alone! I was so sore the next day - everywhere - I couldn't believe it! Really, was I in that bad of shape I asked myself? Yes, I did the measuring and the weighing and the journaling. I haven't done the workouts which include: cardio, total body, lower body, core, upper body, and yoga every day, but attempt to do it every other day! I have even added a second 10" workout on some days and can actually do some of these movements with some degree of finesse (OK, that's a lie, maybe with some degree of 50something adequacy!)
The infomercials claim was a one jean size drop in 10 days if you did this daily!
So.... I haven't done it daily, I haven't dropped a jean size, but - I do feel better about me. I did get the tape measure out again the other night - hoping to see inches that have somehow vaporized! Well, maybe if I hold the tape just a little tighter - or in a slightly different spot! It is too early anyway! right? Of course, the aches and pains haven't totally gone away - my left thumb joint is swollen and so sore that I can not really support myself when I am doing the military push ups and downward dog or whatever these calisthenics are called! But - I am trying. And....that is my message for today.
Each day, I want to try to be a better and new me. I have no idea what this New Year will bring. But, I do look forward to a new sunrise, a new day, a new blue sky, a new coat of snow, a new evening sky, new ideas, a new recipe, a new season of American Idol,and new friendships.
A recent article in the paper was about a 40-something mother who died of sarcoma on Christmas Eve. She had two small children. She was a writer and a blogger. She lived with her cancer for 17 months. I read the article with a compassionate heart, feeling for her husband, her children and for this being who touched so many lives. It was the quote she selected -if she should die, that she wanted her husband to post on her blog, lemmondrops.blogspot.com - that brought the tears to my eyes that day.
"And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."
— Raymond Carver
Happy New Year!
Fondly with Love,
Deb
I have been having twink lings of this message for quite some time now. It has come along with the feeling that I am really O.K. again. And, actually that I am more O.K. than I have been in a long time and that I am even EXCITED about me being so O.K. about me!
Well, O.K. .... lets get on with this musing - as 2008 is past and before me and you is a fresh slate - a New Year - a new dawn - yes - ...
Little discoveries I have noticed about this message I am receiving have come in the way of my general disposition. I have left the anger, the sadness and the life sucks mode and have now entered into some new phase of being. It gives me a feeling of youth to some degree! And with that new bounce in my step is a sense of adventure, excitement and eagerness to step out into the world of life and be ready for what may come!
Perhaps it has to do with the 10minute Workout DVDs that I caved in and purchased one night while at Matts working! Yes, it was an infomercial. I watched and listened to these testimonials, seeing the flab, the fat and the sad forlorn-looks in the BEFORE pictures. And, then there were the new look AFTER pictures. I told myself - I didn't need this, I wouldn't use them - etc, etc. But - as the well planned testimonials got more touching and therefore more believing - the final one was the straw! Yes, there was a woman in her 50's whose life had been totally turned around by doing this daily 10 minute workout. The pictures proved it. She was even crying during the interview! That did it! I was sold! I told myself - "Deb, first of all - you are worth the $ - secondly - you have only about 10" per day to workout - and thirdly - it's your birthday! So....there!" I then picked up my cell phone and called! For the money I spent, I received 2 DVD's, a pair of resistance bands, two handles, a journal and of course the most important item - a measuring tape!
The first time I attempted to do this workout, my heart was racing after 40 seconds, I was sweating furiously and couldn't do half of what the instructors were doing or nearly as effortlessly at all! Let's put it this way! I am glad I live alone! I was so sore the next day - everywhere - I couldn't believe it! Really, was I in that bad of shape I asked myself? Yes, I did the measuring and the weighing and the journaling. I haven't done the workouts which include: cardio, total body, lower body, core, upper body, and yoga every day, but attempt to do it every other day! I have even added a second 10" workout on some days and can actually do some of these movements with some degree of finesse (OK, that's a lie, maybe with some degree of 50something adequacy!)
The infomercials claim was a one jean size drop in 10 days if you did this daily!
So.... I haven't done it daily, I haven't dropped a jean size, but - I do feel better about me. I did get the tape measure out again the other night - hoping to see inches that have somehow vaporized! Well, maybe if I hold the tape just a little tighter - or in a slightly different spot! It is too early anyway! right? Of course, the aches and pains haven't totally gone away - my left thumb joint is swollen and so sore that I can not really support myself when I am doing the military push ups and downward dog or whatever these calisthenics are called! But - I am trying. And....that is my message for today.
Each day, I want to try to be a better and new me. I have no idea what this New Year will bring. But, I do look forward to a new sunrise, a new day, a new blue sky, a new coat of snow, a new evening sky, new ideas, a new recipe, a new season of American Idol,and new friendships.
A recent article in the paper was about a 40-something mother who died of sarcoma on Christmas Eve. She had two small children. She was a writer and a blogger. She lived with her cancer for 17 months. I read the article with a compassionate heart, feeling for her husband, her children and for this being who touched so many lives. It was the quote she selected -if she should die, that she wanted her husband to post on her blog, lemmondrops.blogspot.com - that brought the tears to my eyes that day.
"And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."
— Raymond Carver
Happy New Year!
Fondly with Love,
Deb
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas Eve II
Work closed at noon today. After stopping to get gas, pick up more Romaine lettuce (for another fresh Caesar salad tonight), a stop at the cleaners and a car-wash - yes in 17degree weather - I still can't stand the sight of a dirty car, especially my BLACK BEAUTIFUL ACURA! I am home. It is quiet, except for the sound of the furnace blasting to keep the house at 64degrees - my new indoor winter temperature! Yes, I have a neck scarf wrapped around me and with that I am warm!
I have gone through my mail for today and all of the wonderful Christmas cards and letter received. I have updated my address book and caught up on 'home office stuff'. And now, I have moments that feel right to write!
I can't help but remember and look back on special days like today. This morning while at work I shared at least 4 stories of day's gone by with my co-worker. (No-we weren't that busy - everyone wants to be well for Christmas - and that goes to show you the power of the human mind!) She is a good listener, she doesn't overly empathize, she keeps her head about her and she likes me. She listened patiently to my previous life stories with Bruce in them.
I told her I was going to try to NOT get a speeding ticket on the way home today. Since, last year - that is what happened on Christmas Eve coming home from Red Wing.
Since then, I believe I have only been pulled over one other time! For some reading this, you must think I am a speed demon! Well, I do have a heavy foot. But, lately I have settled down, settled into my life and really just don't have anywhere I really need to be to in that big of a hurry.
Last night we had our little family Christmas. It was the evening that would work with everyone. Now that we have a Doctor in the family who is ON-CALL, her schedule takes precedence and if we want her here with us, we abide by her schedule. Our family always believed it isn't so much the DAY, but the TIME that is spent with one another that really matters in the end. A combined effort for our simple Italian fare was made. Wendy and Ty made delicious manicotti, I made a fantastic fresh Caesar salad with homemade croutons - and Lance and Shayna brought the wine and refreshments. We ate and then busily got to unwrapping since an 18 month-old was top priority! It was so much fun to watch her play with the wrapping paper. She got into helping others unwrap their gifts - and then like a pile of leaves, she began to play on the floor in all of this paper and tissue stuff. As the evening came to a close and everyone was packing to go home, I began to clean up the kitchen. Standing at the kitchen sink, my eldest son approached me and rubbed my back and putting his head next to mine said, "Merry Christmas Mom, I Love You" I am not sure if it was his touch or his words that caused my tears to well. He asked if I was OK, I nodded yes - since my voice doesn't work when my tear ducts are spilling over. We talked briefly about how much we both still miss him. He hugged me again, then he was gone.
With the majority of the frenzy behind me, the EVE and DAY are still ahead. And so, I have time to think, to remember - to journey back. The story of baby Jesus in the manger takes on new significance with this cold spell we have been having. And with it, comes memories of my childhood. Going out to the farrowing house in the winter was always an adventure for me! For those not familiar with farm-onics (as my sister would say) - Farrowing houses were building where sows that were ready to have litters of pigs were kept. A corn-shovel almost always sat outside many of these buildings to scoop the newest layer of snow away from the wooden door. As one would turn the little piece of wood upright to open the door, grunts of mother sows and squeals of little pigs filled the air along with the smell of FARM! But,it was the warmth of life in the air that clings in my memory. The pigpens lined both sides of this slanted roofed building. It had a wide aisle right down the center that usually had extra bales of straw piled up, feed and pails for water. Their individual stalls had an area just big enough for the sow, and then a smaller area for the litter of pigs right next to the sow. These pens were constructed in such a way as a farmer or a farm-girl like myself could get into the little pig area without being harmed from the mother sow. Fresh straw would be constantly put down for the bedding, and in this area where the litters could nuzzle up for their hourly feedings - a low lying heat lamp kept them warm! Dad also had a big heater in this building that blew out almost a jet-stream of heat! (I wish I could remember the name of this!) It looked like a small missile, it was low to the ground and made a very loud noise. It was wonderful to stand near! I can still see dad in this building, feeding, watering and caring for these pigs. I believe I must have been younger than 10 years old at the time. But, even today, after decades have passed, I think this is my closest comparison to what a manger must have been like. The excitement that is elicited in my memory of precious life on a farm in the cold of winter warms me on this another Christmas Eve. What memory brings you close to the baby Jesus?
May you and yours have a warm, happy and safe Holiday. Share a hug with someone who could use one and may God Bless!
Fondly, Deb
I have gone through my mail for today and all of the wonderful Christmas cards and letter received. I have updated my address book and caught up on 'home office stuff'. And now, I have moments that feel right to write!
I can't help but remember and look back on special days like today. This morning while at work I shared at least 4 stories of day's gone by with my co-worker. (No-we weren't that busy - everyone wants to be well for Christmas - and that goes to show you the power of the human mind!) She is a good listener, she doesn't overly empathize, she keeps her head about her and she likes me. She listened patiently to my previous life stories with Bruce in them.
I told her I was going to try to NOT get a speeding ticket on the way home today. Since, last year - that is what happened on Christmas Eve coming home from Red Wing.
Since then, I believe I have only been pulled over one other time! For some reading this, you must think I am a speed demon! Well, I do have a heavy foot. But, lately I have settled down, settled into my life and really just don't have anywhere I really need to be to in that big of a hurry.
Last night we had our little family Christmas. It was the evening that would work with everyone. Now that we have a Doctor in the family who is ON-CALL, her schedule takes precedence and if we want her here with us, we abide by her schedule. Our family always believed it isn't so much the DAY, but the TIME that is spent with one another that really matters in the end. A combined effort for our simple Italian fare was made. Wendy and Ty made delicious manicotti, I made a fantastic fresh Caesar salad with homemade croutons - and Lance and Shayna brought the wine and refreshments. We ate and then busily got to unwrapping since an 18 month-old was top priority! It was so much fun to watch her play with the wrapping paper. She got into helping others unwrap their gifts - and then like a pile of leaves, she began to play on the floor in all of this paper and tissue stuff. As the evening came to a close and everyone was packing to go home, I began to clean up the kitchen. Standing at the kitchen sink, my eldest son approached me and rubbed my back and putting his head next to mine said, "Merry Christmas Mom, I Love You" I am not sure if it was his touch or his words that caused my tears to well. He asked if I was OK, I nodded yes - since my voice doesn't work when my tear ducts are spilling over. We talked briefly about how much we both still miss him. He hugged me again, then he was gone.
With the majority of the frenzy behind me, the EVE and DAY are still ahead. And so, I have time to think, to remember - to journey back. The story of baby Jesus in the manger takes on new significance with this cold spell we have been having. And with it, comes memories of my childhood. Going out to the farrowing house in the winter was always an adventure for me! For those not familiar with farm-onics (as my sister would say) - Farrowing houses were building where sows that were ready to have litters of pigs were kept. A corn-shovel almost always sat outside many of these buildings to scoop the newest layer of snow away from the wooden door. As one would turn the little piece of wood upright to open the door, grunts of mother sows and squeals of little pigs filled the air along with the smell of FARM! But,it was the warmth of life in the air that clings in my memory. The pigpens lined both sides of this slanted roofed building. It had a wide aisle right down the center that usually had extra bales of straw piled up, feed and pails for water. Their individual stalls had an area just big enough for the sow, and then a smaller area for the litter of pigs right next to the sow. These pens were constructed in such a way as a farmer or a farm-girl like myself could get into the little pig area without being harmed from the mother sow. Fresh straw would be constantly put down for the bedding, and in this area where the litters could nuzzle up for their hourly feedings - a low lying heat lamp kept them warm! Dad also had a big heater in this building that blew out almost a jet-stream of heat! (I wish I could remember the name of this!) It looked like a small missile, it was low to the ground and made a very loud noise. It was wonderful to stand near! I can still see dad in this building, feeding, watering and caring for these pigs. I believe I must have been younger than 10 years old at the time. But, even today, after decades have passed, I think this is my closest comparison to what a manger must have been like. The excitement that is elicited in my memory of precious life on a farm in the cold of winter warms me on this another Christmas Eve. What memory brings you close to the baby Jesus?
May you and yours have a warm, happy and safe Holiday. Share a hug with someone who could use one and may God Bless!
Fondly, Deb
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Marking time at 56
Today is my birthday and also moms! Happy Birth-Day mom! I love you!!
I can't believe I am this old, that my children are 26 to almost 32 years old, that I am a grandmother and also a great aunt! Especially the idea of being a great aunt really seems so bizarre. I adored and loved all of my great aunts, BUT - I thought that they were REALLY REALLY old! I am wondering if that is how all of my cute little nieces and nephews see me? Yes, they do see wrinkles much clearer than I do! Yes, looking old bothers me, what can I say - I am vain, I admit it.
I really don't feel old mentally. My mind thinks at about a twenty-something most days. I am indecisive, scatterbrained and want to have fun and make fun. Of my body, it is my hands and wrists that feel the oldest! Keeping fit is really my biggest challenge. I sit most of the day at work which doesn't help. The hill behind the clinic continues to call my name and every day that I can get out there and not suffer wind chill is a plus. Here at Matt's home tonight, I am taking advantage of my downtime with some floor exercises. For several years while I was traveling so much doing Weekenders - I devised some CAR EXERCISE routines! I could do leg lifts, flexes, thigh & butt cheek squeezes - and arm flex/extensions, all while driving down the highway! It looked goofy I am sure. I had an ah-ha thought that I should market my car exercises! Ok...it was another one of my wild ideas! I still do them on my way to and from work! Especially the butt cheek squeezes - why not?
Since the wedding, life is flying past me in jet-streams it seems. I have watched the fields be harvested along with many fall sunrises and sunsets. I am constantly struck by the unique colors of the horizons at these spectacular times. I feel richly blessed to be an observer of these seasonal changes in nature.
It seems as if I don't have time to get all that I want to get done done, YET - the words Marking Time keep coming into my thoughts. If you were in marching band, this phrase described marching in place, not moving, just marching in place while you played a portion of the song or waited for whatever counts it took to move forward. Somehow, I feel that I am Marking time. I see the world moving and changing around me - like sitting in a theater watching a movie.
When I get these thoughts that persist in my head, I think about it for a while until something better comes along to think about and then I let it go. But, it seems to be sitting on the back burner of my mind waiting for me to think about it some more.
My life is changing slowly. With the last child (OK, young man) moved out of the house, I am finally alone. Except for the new little cat I recently acquired. Her name is Ruby. She is a stray that befriended a home with dogs. They began to feed her and soon she brought a little kitten to feed as well. They had them both spade, but discovered with the dogs, it wasn't a good idea to keep them. So it was, that my friend Diane (aka cat lady) got her. Diane is also a widow, and it has been her animals that have given her comfort, solace and yes, have lifted her spirits on many days. It was the week after the wedding that she said to me, "Deb, I have a cat for you! She needs a good home and she would be a perfect house-mate for you!" I, at first wasn't sure I wanted a cat. Growing up on a farm, cats belonged outside. With a promise that I could return her without question if it didn't work. So now, three weeks later, Ruby, aka Miss Ruby Slippers has a home. She is still quite skittish, which is still quite fine with me. We are both slowly warming to one another. I tell her every day,
So, besides losing a son as a housemate and gaining a cat, I have been making small changes in my life. With no one home to be quiet for in the mornings, I have changed some of my routines. I stopped getting the daily paper and now just get it on the weekends when I am going to be home. And, instead of sitting in the living room and reading the paper - I take my coffee and go down into the family room and get my morning news off of CNN. It is hard to let go of familiarity. So much of my life was wrapped around the word OUR, that letting go of routine felt like a betrayal. As with anything, I am finding that the THOUGHT of the change was what I was fearful of. So, little by little life is assuming some sort of new routine for me.
Speaking of the word OUR, while recently spending a wonderful weekend with both of my sister, we were shopping and browsing in a cute little town called Mt Horeb, WI. We went into one of these stores that had all sorts of wooden wall plaques. Many of these plaques had the word OUR on them, OUR HOME, OUR LOVE, etc... When you are a widow and living alone, the word OUR begins to grate on your nerves. As I silently gritted my teeth and smiled, a wooden sign spoke to me, it said, LOVE IS SPOKEN HERE. I pointed it out to one of my sisters in passing, "Now, that could be a sign I could see in my home!" Well, lo and behold, the next time I saw Nancy, she had the sign for me. She had made a special trip back to this town to get this for me. What can I say, other than - I am SO DARN BLESSED! I haven't put it up yet, but am thinking I will display it in the family room, where we were truly a family in so many good good ways.
I celebrated my one year at the clinic on November 19Th. I have gained many new friends and enjoy my work. In fact, my coworkers threw a birthday celebration for me on Wednesday. Food, balloons and laughter filled our office space! Three of my widow friends and I are going out for supper tonight and then back to my home to spend with family and play games. Yes, I know I have been blessed to have such good people in my life.
Yesterday was the second Thanksgiving without Bruce. Somethings still just make me sad. Being alone on Holidays even with family present, I find myself sinking into a pity-party mode. I hate it and wish it weren't that way. The food was fantastic, Abby came and helped me finish making the mashed potatoes, fresh Caesar salad and sauteed fresh green beans. I figured out how to deep fry a turkey after climbing up into the garage rafters and under the back deck and re-assembling it. Loved having the kids there, just wanted so badly to hear Bruce say things that he said in his endearing way like how he said "dear" ,"honey" , the way he said, Debra Gail when he really wanted my attention or how he always complimented my cooking with words such as "this apple pie is absolutely fantastic,Deb"
His birthday is right around the corner again. I haven't been out to the cemetery for a long time. I plan to make a trip out there on Sunday. I am still amazed at the many local people that I run into while out and about. They meet, greet and hug me, asking how I am with such sincerity. What they are saying without saying it is;how are you doing without Bruce? And, now I am able to have a conversation without tears and say how much it still sucks to be alone, but with my head held high, a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye, I want them to know - I am doing alright! It warms my heart when I am with family and we get on a Remember when Bruce said or did that...memory tour! I was recently with my two sisters and we did just that! My sister was laughing so hard, she was crying and then had to call her friend in Atlanta to get the exact words of what Bruce had said! I love it! I love that people STILL remember his laughter, his wit, and yes, even his at times crude behavior. Whatever made him tick, it was HIS SPIRIT... and it was that - that essence of him, that I loved so very very much and that I miss still so very very much!
Well, enough reflections for now. This is my marking of time today.
Stay warm and snug, give a hug to someone who needs one!
Fondly, Deb
I can't believe I am this old, that my children are 26 to almost 32 years old, that I am a grandmother and also a great aunt! Especially the idea of being a great aunt really seems so bizarre. I adored and loved all of my great aunts, BUT - I thought that they were REALLY REALLY old! I am wondering if that is how all of my cute little nieces and nephews see me? Yes, they do see wrinkles much clearer than I do! Yes, looking old bothers me, what can I say - I am vain, I admit it.
I really don't feel old mentally. My mind thinks at about a twenty-something most days. I am indecisive, scatterbrained and want to have fun and make fun. Of my body, it is my hands and wrists that feel the oldest! Keeping fit is really my biggest challenge. I sit most of the day at work which doesn't help. The hill behind the clinic continues to call my name and every day that I can get out there and not suffer wind chill is a plus. Here at Matt's home tonight, I am taking advantage of my downtime with some floor exercises. For several years while I was traveling so much doing Weekenders - I devised some CAR EXERCISE routines! I could do leg lifts, flexes, thigh & butt cheek squeezes - and arm flex/extensions, all while driving down the highway! It looked goofy I am sure. I had an ah-ha thought that I should market my car exercises! Ok...it was another one of my wild ideas! I still do them on my way to and from work! Especially the butt cheek squeezes - why not?
Since the wedding, life is flying past me in jet-streams it seems. I have watched the fields be harvested along with many fall sunrises and sunsets. I am constantly struck by the unique colors of the horizons at these spectacular times. I feel richly blessed to be an observer of these seasonal changes in nature.
It seems as if I don't have time to get all that I want to get done done, YET - the words Marking Time keep coming into my thoughts. If you were in marching band, this phrase described marching in place, not moving, just marching in place while you played a portion of the song or waited for whatever counts it took to move forward. Somehow, I feel that I am Marking time. I see the world moving and changing around me - like sitting in a theater watching a movie.
When I get these thoughts that persist in my head, I think about it for a while until something better comes along to think about and then I let it go. But, it seems to be sitting on the back burner of my mind waiting for me to think about it some more.
My life is changing slowly. With the last child (OK, young man) moved out of the house, I am finally alone. Except for the new little cat I recently acquired. Her name is Ruby. She is a stray that befriended a home with dogs. They began to feed her and soon she brought a little kitten to feed as well. They had them both spade, but discovered with the dogs, it wasn't a good idea to keep them. So it was, that my friend Diane (aka cat lady) got her. Diane is also a widow, and it has been her animals that have given her comfort, solace and yes, have lifted her spirits on many days. It was the week after the wedding that she said to me, "Deb, I have a cat for you! She needs a good home and she would be a perfect house-mate for you!" I, at first wasn't sure I wanted a cat. Growing up on a farm, cats belonged outside. With a promise that I could return her without question if it didn't work. So now, three weeks later, Ruby, aka Miss Ruby Slippers has a home. She is still quite skittish, which is still quite fine with me. We are both slowly warming to one another. I tell her every day,
There is no place like home!.
So, besides losing a son as a housemate and gaining a cat, I have been making small changes in my life. With no one home to be quiet for in the mornings, I have changed some of my routines. I stopped getting the daily paper and now just get it on the weekends when I am going to be home. And, instead of sitting in the living room and reading the paper - I take my coffee and go down into the family room and get my morning news off of CNN. It is hard to let go of familiarity. So much of my life was wrapped around the word OUR, that letting go of routine felt like a betrayal. As with anything, I am finding that the THOUGHT of the change was what I was fearful of. So, little by little life is assuming some sort of new routine for me.
Speaking of the word OUR, while recently spending a wonderful weekend with both of my sister, we were shopping and browsing in a cute little town called Mt Horeb, WI. We went into one of these stores that had all sorts of wooden wall plaques. Many of these plaques had the word OUR on them, OUR HOME, OUR LOVE, etc... When you are a widow and living alone, the word OUR begins to grate on your nerves. As I silently gritted my teeth and smiled, a wooden sign spoke to me, it said, LOVE IS SPOKEN HERE. I pointed it out to one of my sisters in passing, "Now, that could be a sign I could see in my home!" Well, lo and behold, the next time I saw Nancy, she had the sign for me. She had made a special trip back to this town to get this for me. What can I say, other than - I am SO DARN BLESSED! I haven't put it up yet, but am thinking I will display it in the family room, where we were truly a family in so many good good ways.
I celebrated my one year at the clinic on November 19Th. I have gained many new friends and enjoy my work. In fact, my coworkers threw a birthday celebration for me on Wednesday. Food, balloons and laughter filled our office space! Three of my widow friends and I are going out for supper tonight and then back to my home to spend with family and play games. Yes, I know I have been blessed to have such good people in my life.
Yesterday was the second Thanksgiving without Bruce. Somethings still just make me sad. Being alone on Holidays even with family present, I find myself sinking into a pity-party mode. I hate it and wish it weren't that way. The food was fantastic, Abby came and helped me finish making the mashed potatoes, fresh Caesar salad and sauteed fresh green beans. I figured out how to deep fry a turkey after climbing up into the garage rafters and under the back deck and re-assembling it. Loved having the kids there, just wanted so badly to hear Bruce say things that he said in his endearing way like how he said "dear" ,"honey" , the way he said, Debra Gail when he really wanted my attention or how he always complimented my cooking with words such as "this apple pie is absolutely fantastic,Deb"
His birthday is right around the corner again. I haven't been out to the cemetery for a long time. I plan to make a trip out there on Sunday. I am still amazed at the many local people that I run into while out and about. They meet, greet and hug me, asking how I am with such sincerity. What they are saying without saying it is;how are you doing without Bruce? And, now I am able to have a conversation without tears and say how much it still sucks to be alone, but with my head held high, a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye, I want them to know - I am doing alright! It warms my heart when I am with family and we get on a Remember when Bruce said or did that...memory tour! I was recently with my two sisters and we did just that! My sister was laughing so hard, she was crying and then had to call her friend in Atlanta to get the exact words of what Bruce had said! I love it! I love that people STILL remember his laughter, his wit, and yes, even his at times crude behavior. Whatever made him tick, it was HIS SPIRIT... and it was that - that essence of him, that I loved so very very much and that I miss still so very very much!
Well, enough reflections for now. This is my marking of time today.
Stay warm and snug, give a hug to someone who needs one!
Fondly, Deb
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Wedding... in LOVE...with Love
I knew it would come and go just like that and it did. I tried to savor the moments, the conversations, the hugs, the smiles and all of the love that was part of that weekend.
The Wedding of Lance and Shayna is now in the past. But, never will many of the memories be far away. The good news included, great weather, fantastic fall colors, over 250 guests, and so many many friends and family who stood by me and my family, supporting, caring and loving all of us. It truly became a community event. As friends recently said about the day, "it just felt so full of love"
First of all, know that Lance and Shayna are not of the mold of what you think a wedding in 2008 should be like. The outdoor setting, beyond church walls was intentional. As Shayna said, "what more does one need beside being in nature to know that our creator is in charge?" Their non-traditional theme included cost as well. Their practical nature is proof positive that a wedding can be beautiful and classy without taking out a second mortgage. Their day was how they envisioned to begin their life together. I honor their beliefs. It centers around the RIGHT STUFF - that is LOVE.
The lone old oak tree stood in the middle of this vast lawn. Fall had done it's magic on it's leaves. Golden Brown to Muted Rusts, weathered and drying, a few of the branches bare... a few leaves falling ever so randomly, but yet, the tree stood tall, like an old friend full of wisdom, it loomed over the crowd of 250 on a sunny windy Saturday in October. Under it's branches a garden arch had been erected and decorated with grasses,weeds and artificial flowers. Surrounded by pots of yellow mums, this was the stage for the beginning of a life of love for two.
The attendants ... Shayna's three sisters and her childhood girlfriend wore Cognac - this cinnamon color matched the leaves on the old oak tree. Orange, yellow and ivory roses were the icing they carried. Our friend, Marcia played a song that Lance and Shayna had selected, Haylee, one of Shayna's sister's sang the beautiful but simple six minute long slow melodic song, "To Build a Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. As Haylee continued to sing, a horse pulling a carriage trotted into the drive with Shayna and her dad in the back. Soon Shayna and her father were making their way down the aisle of grass. They wrote their own vows and promised their love to one another. Ty accompanied Haylee on his guitar to one of our favorite Beatle's tunes, "In My Life". Shayna's brother officiated this simple ceremony of LOVE.
The Stables barn at Voyager Village had been turned into a reception hall. Shayna's family including her grandparents and aunts provided delicious home grown garden food. Catered and served, it included home canned green beans, frozen sweet corn, roasted turkey and roast beef. Homemade dill pickles and bread n butter pickles were the extra touch to this wonderful meal.
Lance's dear friend Romaine whom he had worked with for years at the Sears store in town made an elegant and delicious wedding cake for them, the top tier tied with a bow. And, friends and family volunteered to put together an Appetizer and Dessert Bar. Wine was drunk, the kegs were tapped and the songs were spun.
On Friday night, we ordered Pizzas for the grooms dinner and tapped the keg and began to open a few bottles of wine. Family members and friends of Lance and Shayna pitched in to hang lights, table skirts, steam table clothes and decorate. Laughter was everywhere. Then, three of my friends went with me over to Randy and Karen's home to get a lesson from Wendy, my daughter-in-law (a horticulture major) on corsage and boutonniere making.
I had this crazy idea to make two Fall looking scarecrows - a Mr Groom and Mrs Bride. ...First, I had climbed up into my little crawlspace in search of my own wedding gown that was homemade 35 years ago. I made a garter for her leg, and found Bruce's old leather blazer from the 70's. I filled up two pair of pantyhose for the legs with stuffing, used a wooden hanger and a pillow stuffed into the bodies ...then with the help of my good friends, Marcia, Christy, Sandra and sister-in-law Shirley - we created these characters on the morning of the wedding. It was a fun diversion and will be a good memory as I insisted - the bride "look like she had boobs" and these friends took me seriously and even enhanced her with "DD." - ie double dixie cups! They even went on a "field trip" in search of leaves to make an oak-leaf-wreath for her head'.
Yes, Bruce was missed. Remembrances and toasts were made to his memory. A few tears escaped many a family member's eyes.
Yesterday as I viewed the link to their photos, love did look like it was shining down from the heavens. Yes, it was probably just the sun shining through the fusion of orange, yellow and brown trees that reflected off of Lance's beautiful red hair. But, well, maybe it could have been Bruce's spirit that felt so present that day!
See for yourself! http://eslockphoto.com/proofs/tokheim/
With Loving thoughts on November 1, 2008
Deb
The Wedding of Lance and Shayna is now in the past. But, never will many of the memories be far away. The good news included, great weather, fantastic fall colors, over 250 guests, and so many many friends and family who stood by me and my family, supporting, caring and loving all of us. It truly became a community event. As friends recently said about the day, "it just felt so full of love"
First of all, know that Lance and Shayna are not of the mold of what you think a wedding in 2008 should be like. The outdoor setting, beyond church walls was intentional. As Shayna said, "what more does one need beside being in nature to know that our creator is in charge?" Their non-traditional theme included cost as well. Their practical nature is proof positive that a wedding can be beautiful and classy without taking out a second mortgage. Their day was how they envisioned to begin their life together. I honor their beliefs. It centers around the RIGHT STUFF - that is LOVE.
The lone old oak tree stood in the middle of this vast lawn. Fall had done it's magic on it's leaves. Golden Brown to Muted Rusts, weathered and drying, a few of the branches bare... a few leaves falling ever so randomly, but yet, the tree stood tall, like an old friend full of wisdom, it loomed over the crowd of 250 on a sunny windy Saturday in October. Under it's branches a garden arch had been erected and decorated with grasses,weeds and artificial flowers. Surrounded by pots of yellow mums, this was the stage for the beginning of a life of love for two.
The attendants ... Shayna's three sisters and her childhood girlfriend wore Cognac - this cinnamon color matched the leaves on the old oak tree. Orange, yellow and ivory roses were the icing they carried. Our friend, Marcia played a song that Lance and Shayna had selected, Haylee, one of Shayna's sister's sang the beautiful but simple six minute long slow melodic song, "To Build a Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. As Haylee continued to sing, a horse pulling a carriage trotted into the drive with Shayna and her dad in the back. Soon Shayna and her father were making their way down the aisle of grass. They wrote their own vows and promised their love to one another. Ty accompanied Haylee on his guitar to one of our favorite Beatle's tunes, "In My Life". Shayna's brother officiated this simple ceremony of LOVE.
The Stables barn at Voyager Village had been turned into a reception hall. Shayna's family including her grandparents and aunts provided delicious home grown garden food. Catered and served, it included home canned green beans, frozen sweet corn, roasted turkey and roast beef. Homemade dill pickles and bread n butter pickles were the extra touch to this wonderful meal.
Lance's dear friend Romaine whom he had worked with for years at the Sears store in town made an elegant and delicious wedding cake for them, the top tier tied with a bow. And, friends and family volunteered to put together an Appetizer and Dessert Bar. Wine was drunk, the kegs were tapped and the songs were spun.
On Friday night, we ordered Pizzas for the grooms dinner and tapped the keg and began to open a few bottles of wine. Family members and friends of Lance and Shayna pitched in to hang lights, table skirts, steam table clothes and decorate. Laughter was everywhere. Then, three of my friends went with me over to Randy and Karen's home to get a lesson from Wendy, my daughter-in-law (a horticulture major) on corsage and boutonniere making.
I had this crazy idea to make two Fall looking scarecrows - a Mr Groom and Mrs Bride. ...First, I had climbed up into my little crawlspace in search of my own wedding gown that was homemade 35 years ago. I made a garter for her leg, and found Bruce's old leather blazer from the 70's. I filled up two pair of pantyhose for the legs with stuffing, used a wooden hanger and a pillow stuffed into the bodies ...then with the help of my good friends, Marcia, Christy, Sandra and sister-in-law Shirley - we created these characters on the morning of the wedding. It was a fun diversion and will be a good memory as I insisted - the bride "look like she had boobs" and these friends took me seriously and even enhanced her with "DD." - ie double dixie cups! They even went on a "field trip" in search of leaves to make an oak-leaf-wreath for her head'.
Yes, Bruce was missed. Remembrances and toasts were made to his memory. A few tears escaped many a family member's eyes.
Yesterday as I viewed the link to their photos, love did look like it was shining down from the heavens. Yes, it was probably just the sun shining through the fusion of orange, yellow and brown trees that reflected off of Lance's beautiful red hair. But, well, maybe it could have been Bruce's spirit that felt so present that day!
See for yourself! http://eslockphoto.com/proofs/tokheim/
With Loving thoughts on November 1, 2008
Deb
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Uphill, Makeovers & Memories
The titles of these conversations with myself sometimes are words that seem to linger somewhere deep inside of me for moments into days. Yes, I have been itching to write, yet, there is a time and place for everything and so as it seems, this must be the time and place.
Work tends to take it's toll on me most days. Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is now my work. Therefore, when I come home - it just isn't that appealing. Tonight tho, seems different. It is just a little after 8pm, I have just returned home from eating at one our local bars with 5 friends who are in my same boat! It was taco night! 2 Tacos, 2 beers and $6 later, I am sated and relaxed.
It is a new month. And, in 17 days, we are having a wedding in the family. My baby is getting married. It has been fun to be part of some of the planning. I ask Shayna - my soon to be daughter-in-law, "what can I do?" "give me a job". I have felt like I am twiddle-ing my thumbs. But, God bless her, she has given me jobs to do and is allowing me some free rein on certain little projects. It is good therapy for me.
I haven't allowed myself to spend much time thinking about the exact day and how it will all go, by myself at the mother of the groom. Not yet anyway. Even after 20 months, sad moments hit me - and I still miss him, my Bruce!
Memories do seem to sweep over me and sometimes I feel like I have been knocked over. I was in the car driving somewhere when one of these moments with him hit me. It was as if some force knocked my head back against the headrest and took my breath away as a memory flooded back into consciousness. Momentarily, I might feel sad, or laugh, or grimace or just blankly stare, as time passes over me.
In getting ready for the wedding, I have become more earnest at trying to improve my appearance! The firming of certain body parts would be very beneficial for my health as well. As hard as I try to eat less and do a little bit of walking - not much seems to change. About 6 weeks ago - when I found out we were having a wedding and I was going to be the mother of the Groom, I began to walk over my lunch hour in a nice little park down by the river in Red Wing. Around and around the sidewalks I would walk. I was quite bored, except for the ducks in the water and perhaps a child in the park. I was hoping for miracles after the first week of walking!
One of my co-workers is an avid biker and walker. She would go do the 'hill' behind the clinic on her lunch hour. I had tried it in the early spring, but thought it was too difficult and came up with an excuse not to do it, labeling it an 'unsafe area'. But, one day, she invited me to do the hill with her. It was invigorating to say the least. I felt the BURN! This has become Deb's extreme makeover measures! Now if Bruce were still alive, he would certainly be laughing hysterically at my attempts to firm up this fifty-something body overnight, ok, lets just say it, ASS! He would of course be very complimentary in a way a husband would always be! ... (dot, dot, dot!!)
To go on then, this hill at first was a bit foreboding. It is behind the hospital and is actually a gravel road that goes down into an undeveloped section of town. It is quiet, away from traffic and I am only accompanied perhaps by an eagle that soars overhead or perhaps a butterfly and, yes - grasshoppers as they are hopping to and fro. I have made myself do this hill almost every day I work in the past two weeks.
As I walk up this hill, my breathing becomes shorter and faster, until I am panting. Always, Bruce comes to mind, his breathing and how much he endured! I keep my eyes focused on the gravel during this steepest climb eagerly waiting to get to the leveled top ahead. Pushing onward, I feel the burn as my leg muscles begin to get an honest to goodness workout. I really can't tell much difference yet, but for some reason... the hill is calling me back. This huffing and puffing exercise has cleared out some cobwebs - and it has gotten me outside, in the fresh air - with nature, where I feel part of God's great earth.
Memories - how does something become a memory? In a book I am reading right now, the author explains how everything we see, feel, touch, do , act on - is imprinted in the part of ourselves we call a memory. If you were to look at a person, and then close your eyes and just think about what that person looks like, you have already captured their memory - we can then conjure up that same image later on. This revealing thought has given me much to ponder on. I have years and years of memories of Bruce and I together. Hearing his laugh, seeing how his eyes danced when he was acting childlike, watching him walk, shrug his shoulders, all of these and more will always be there . There is no where else to find Bruce, but in my memories. And, for me, this is comforting tonight. Just a little food for thought.
Tomorrow - yes, the hill beckons!
Work tends to take it's toll on me most days. Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is now my work. Therefore, when I come home - it just isn't that appealing. Tonight tho, seems different. It is just a little after 8pm, I have just returned home from eating at one our local bars with 5 friends who are in my same boat! It was taco night! 2 Tacos, 2 beers and $6 later, I am sated and relaxed.
It is a new month. And, in 17 days, we are having a wedding in the family. My baby is getting married. It has been fun to be part of some of the planning. I ask Shayna - my soon to be daughter-in-law, "what can I do?" "give me a job". I have felt like I am twiddle-ing my thumbs. But, God bless her, she has given me jobs to do and is allowing me some free rein on certain little projects. It is good therapy for me.
I haven't allowed myself to spend much time thinking about the exact day and how it will all go, by myself at the mother of the groom. Not yet anyway. Even after 20 months, sad moments hit me - and I still miss him, my Bruce!
Memories do seem to sweep over me and sometimes I feel like I have been knocked over. I was in the car driving somewhere when one of these moments with him hit me. It was as if some force knocked my head back against the headrest and took my breath away as a memory flooded back into consciousness. Momentarily, I might feel sad, or laugh, or grimace or just blankly stare, as time passes over me.
In getting ready for the wedding, I have become more earnest at trying to improve my appearance! The firming of certain body parts would be very beneficial for my health as well. As hard as I try to eat less and do a little bit of walking - not much seems to change. About 6 weeks ago - when I found out we were having a wedding and I was going to be the mother of the Groom, I began to walk over my lunch hour in a nice little park down by the river in Red Wing. Around and around the sidewalks I would walk. I was quite bored, except for the ducks in the water and perhaps a child in the park. I was hoping for miracles after the first week of walking!
One of my co-workers is an avid biker and walker. She would go do the 'hill' behind the clinic on her lunch hour. I had tried it in the early spring, but thought it was too difficult and came up with an excuse not to do it, labeling it an 'unsafe area'. But, one day, she invited me to do the hill with her. It was invigorating to say the least. I felt the BURN! This has become Deb's extreme makeover measures! Now if Bruce were still alive, he would certainly be laughing hysterically at my attempts to firm up this fifty-something body overnight, ok, lets just say it, ASS! He would of course be very complimentary in a way a husband would always be! ... (dot, dot, dot!!)
To go on then, this hill at first was a bit foreboding. It is behind the hospital and is actually a gravel road that goes down into an undeveloped section of town. It is quiet, away from traffic and I am only accompanied perhaps by an eagle that soars overhead or perhaps a butterfly and, yes - grasshoppers as they are hopping to and fro. I have made myself do this hill almost every day I work in the past two weeks.
As I walk up this hill, my breathing becomes shorter and faster, until I am panting. Always, Bruce comes to mind, his breathing and how much he endured! I keep my eyes focused on the gravel during this steepest climb eagerly waiting to get to the leveled top ahead. Pushing onward, I feel the burn as my leg muscles begin to get an honest to goodness workout. I really can't tell much difference yet, but for some reason... the hill is calling me back. This huffing and puffing exercise has cleared out some cobwebs - and it has gotten me outside, in the fresh air - with nature, where I feel part of God's great earth.
Memories - how does something become a memory? In a book I am reading right now, the author explains how everything we see, feel, touch, do , act on - is imprinted in the part of ourselves we call a memory. If you were to look at a person, and then close your eyes and just think about what that person looks like, you have already captured their memory - we can then conjure up that same image later on. This revealing thought has given me much to ponder on. I have years and years of memories of Bruce and I together. Hearing his laugh, seeing how his eyes danced when he was acting childlike, watching him walk, shrug his shoulders, all of these and more will always be there . There is no where else to find Bruce, but in my memories. And, for me, this is comforting tonight. Just a little food for thought.
Tomorrow - yes, the hill beckons!
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