I saw it in a magazine over my lunch hour one day. I saw the design that made sense to me. It is one of those moments you all have had. That you knew, without question, without another thought of comtemplation or worry, that this was what you wanted.
It was a picture of a ring, a very wide band, the style looked old and burnished, and on it was adorned large letters that were scrolled in an old style font.
"Yes", I thought to myself, "this is what I want to do".
You see, Questions that begin to haunt WIDOWS at one time or another center around THE RING! - Should I wear my wedding ring? Of course I will wear my wedding ring, I am still married.... I still feel that way after 13 months, married that is. Although I am technically no longer married, but widowed, my wedding band had now become my PROTECTOR. In a store, or unfamiliar setting, I don't want to be seen as 'available', 'a catch', and not yet... and not sure when if ever -SINGLE. I want to be unseen. I have found I am not alone in this dilemma of the ring or the uncomfortable feeling widowhood brings.
In our little group of local women that we have formed - all widows that is - this topic has come up. Some wear their husband's ring around their neck on a chain, some wear it on their finger, as I did - especially when hand sizes were similar and then again, some have made a heart shaped pendent out of them. Others have, after a few years, stuck their wedding rings in their jewelry box, waiting for the day - when it will be divided up amongst their survivors - perhaps noted specifically in a will - perhaps not, just there in the jewelry box amongst the other pieces that once would have represented a Life.
My hand moved as quickly as my eye had seen it and sent the message to my brain, whereby my brain signaled my hand to tear out this photo. I taped it on the front page of my planner. And there it sat for a few weeks. One day over my lunch, I made a trip downtown Red Wing to a jeweler. I had asked co-workers if there was a good jeweler in town. And, I found out, there was. One that designs engagement rings and had also turned the husband's wedding ring into the heart-shaped pendant. I took with me THREE RINGS. Two matching bands that I had purchased several years ago,along with the gold band I gave Bruce for his 50th birthday.
This ring saga has been going on since the Fall of 1973. Bruce had lost his original wedding band in the first 6 months of being married. It was too big, it needed to be sized down. We hadn't done that yet, and somehow, somewhere - he always thought it was somewhere between our Married Student Housing Apartment on the bike path to school. The details are vague now. Did we ever go look for it? Did he go look for it and waited to 'break the news' to me? I just don't remember. All I know is...for years he didn't have a ring.
I had tried to replace it one Christmas about two kids into the marriage. I spent $250.00 on this ring with a little speck of a diamond in the center that was embellished with either white gold or silver to enhance this tiny sparkling center. Over the years, we had many laughs about this 'chintzy ring' I had bought. It sounded tinny if he would take it off and bounce it on the table. You almost needed a magnifier to see the diamond. What can I say? I did the best I could at the time.
So, after we moved to Wisconsin, I tried again. One day, while Lance was in preschool, I bopped over to Red Wing. I was in a jewelry store just window shopping, and asked about a set of wedding bands that caught my eye. That is what I would do, I would get us matching wedding bands. I would wear this band to 'work'. As a nurse, making beds all day long, and always catching my diamond on the springs. (yes, at one time, hospitals had real springs and nurses really made beds!) This purchase too, was a decision made without more processing required. I don't remember, but I must have given it to him for a wedding anniversary or perhaps a Christmas gift. Anyway, like a diligent husband he began wearing the new wedding band and moved his 'chintzy ring' to his right hand.
As the years passed by, my unimpressive attempts to replace his original wedding band faded. That is, until his 50th Birthday. Early in 2002, Bruce made the statement, "I am celebrating my 50th Birthdy in Las Vegas, and if anyone wants to join me you are welcome!" This defined Bruce. He too, knew what he wanted and sometimes when he wanted it, no more discussion, period! He had announced his wishes and we all followed suit. But...what was I going to get him? Nothing seemed fitting for him, except to remake an exact replica of his original wedding band. So, that is what I had done. Perhaps the third time would be the charm?
On December 2, 2001, in his favorite restaurant in the MGM GRAND HOTEL, along with my folks and I believe my sister and her husband, I gave him his gift. Along with the ring was a list of the 50 THINGS I LOVED MOST ABOUT HIM. ( I found this list in his office desk drawer after he died!)
Bruce would talk about getting a RUBY RING! The way he would say RUBY RING was with such excitement and enthusiasm! His eyes would sparkle and the two words flew off of his tongue making it seem like it was reallyjust one word, ROOBEERING! The reason he wanted a RUBY RING was because his Grandpa V. had had one. Many times over the years, he shared the story about going to Clear Lake, IA with his grandpa. His granpa was fishing and cast out his line and the ring flew off his finger. He sent Bruce into find it. Bruce wasn't a good swimmer, but he found his grandpa's ring. It was as if, he was a hero! Now, in hindsight, this one time childhood memory held huge significance to this grown man! Whenever we were out and about looking at jewelry, he'd bring up this ruby ring story and how, he would love to have a ruby ring just like his grandpa V's! In the spring of 2003, Bruce won a Carribean Cruise with an insurance company. And so it was, he finally go his RUBY RING. It is a beautiful ring. It has rubies and diamonds on it. I found that he would only wear it for 'good occassions'. I think he feared he would lose it also. Now, in telling this story, it must be a familial thing, these tiny fingers and rings flying off of them!
The jeweler approached the counter when he saw me - the only customer in the store -walking toward him. He glanced at the little silk bag I took out of my purse. Inside of it, were the matching wedding bands and the gold wedding band I had had made for his 50th birthday. In broken sentences mixed with tears, I asked him if he could perhaps make me a ring like the picture on the paper I held in my hand. 'You see, my husband died a year ago, I would like to have one like this picture made. Do you think it can be done?" This gracious man whom I had never met before, gingerly took these three rings and examined them and weighed them. He thought it was a great idea.( but then again, what else would he say?")
He called a few weeks ago and told me it was ready. I went down and picked it up. As I saw the ring for the first time, I tried not to cry, but I did anyway. I love it. It is big and wide and gold, it has our intitials on it... B R T and D G T separated by a two vertical rows of three teeny tiny specks of diamonds that were in the matching bands. These two vertical rows of three diamonds represent the 3 3 years we were married as one. Living on in my memories will be all the laughter and love that combined to make our life what it was together. All symbolized by this : THE RING.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Creeping into March
I find myself spending more minutes that move into hours on words and meaning and trying to figure out what LIFE IS ALL ABOUT through these odd thoughts that creep into my conscious. Does everyone do this? OR..... am I really really odd and just admit it? You .... out there ..... beyond the keyboard?
Well, whatever the case! Here goes! from Creeping into March
March has arrived, cold, white, and let's now just get to the end of this month.
Our baby, our Lance, was born on March 1. It happened on his due date! That was early for a change, the other two had been beyond their due date. I worked that evening at the local hosptial, deciding at the last minute to pick up the Sunday shift, since I figured I would be late with this one too. I remember being very busy and having 10+patients that night. Something that is unheard of today. Many patients wanting all sorts of extra TLC ....the stuff nursing was made of back in 1982! I remember washing a woman's hair, and giving all of these backrubs. I remember my own back aching and my large, no - VERY LARGE BELLY - contracting. And, only as I sat down to chart at 10:30 pm, did it dawn on me, that I could not concentrate. I then realized I was in labor. I went home, took a bath hoping to relax, and get some sleep. I was beat! Bruce was in dream land. I couldn't sleep. I woke him up at 2am, we left for the hospital. My good friend Christy, the same one who came to care for Bruce, came to care for our children that night. That is call the "circle of life"! Well, Lance was born at 5:08am the next morning. He came out crying, his beautiful carrot red hair and cute little sweet face immediatly melted my heart! He still charms me 26 years later. This memory of his birth - our last child is a good one. AS Bruce would have said, "he's a keeper".
And, that rhymes with Creeper.
My new little one in my life - celebrated 9 months on this earth this month. And with that, the ability to CREEP. Not crawl, but the army method of creeping low to the ground! What fun it has been to watch Avery Joy creep! Saturday evening, we spent more minutes than all of us will admit just watching her! What fun these first babies are to their families. Not only can she creep, but she stand proud! O.k. yes, she is up next to something, but loves every minute doing it. She is little, but she is mighty! I just wonder who she takes after???
Could it be her mom?
I am counting down these days in March. I am marking time, standing still marching as we did in band so many years ago. Waiting for this month to move...into Spring. I am tired of the snow, I am tired of shoveling my drive. I am tired of being half cold all of the time. I am tired of a dirty car. Just how did our ancestors do it? What made them want to move to this COLD CLIMATE? I give them praise for their hearty souls. But, were they thinking??
As March arrived, I felt myself relieved that FEBRUARY was once again over. The relief that I feel is like a weight off of my shoulders. The dread of moments, of memories and what seems like a lifetime ago. My brother, the widower of 11 years told me, "it takes about 13-14 months". He asked me today, do I feel better? Yes, I do. Will it last? I don't know. But for now, I am better.
My salvation still rests in my quiet private moments mostly in my car. A fantastic sunrise surprised me one morning. Out of my doom and gloom existance rose the morning light. As it rose to the east, the clouds broke above and below the sun. This thin line of clouds that ran horizontally to the earth for miles and miles stood still as the morning rays burst up and sprayed the earth below with golden light. It looked like a cross, no an ANGEL, it looked like how I wanted it to look. I just believe it was meant only for me. That moment was a gift from Heaven. God knows me very well, Bruce knows me very well. They know what will trip my trigger. In some moments of March, my life feels good. It fills with meaning and purpose and rightness.
All of this nonsensical talk isn't black and white, it is so gray. Yet, it isn't rocket science. It just is. Just as the moon is, the eclipse was. What must our ancestors have thought? Way back before science, before internet, before newspapers, before understanding? I believe they thought much like me. Something much grander and bigger than lil ole me is in charge. Perhaps they too, were given a gift of a morning sunrise that brought them to tears. That is what they saw, that is what drew them to their somewhere. That thought will keep me marching on.
Well, whatever the case! Here goes! from Creeping into March
March has arrived, cold, white, and let's now just get to the end of this month.
Our baby, our Lance, was born on March 1. It happened on his due date! That was early for a change, the other two had been beyond their due date. I worked that evening at the local hosptial, deciding at the last minute to pick up the Sunday shift, since I figured I would be late with this one too. I remember being very busy and having 10+patients that night. Something that is unheard of today. Many patients wanting all sorts of extra TLC ....the stuff nursing was made of back in 1982! I remember washing a woman's hair, and giving all of these backrubs. I remember my own back aching and my large, no - VERY LARGE BELLY - contracting. And, only as I sat down to chart at 10:30 pm, did it dawn on me, that I could not concentrate. I then realized I was in labor. I went home, took a bath hoping to relax, and get some sleep. I was beat! Bruce was in dream land. I couldn't sleep. I woke him up at 2am, we left for the hospital. My good friend Christy, the same one who came to care for Bruce, came to care for our children that night. That is call the "circle of life"! Well, Lance was born at 5:08am the next morning. He came out crying, his beautiful carrot red hair and cute little sweet face immediatly melted my heart! He still charms me 26 years later. This memory of his birth - our last child is a good one. AS Bruce would have said, "he's a keeper".
And, that rhymes with Creeper.
My new little one in my life - celebrated 9 months on this earth this month. And with that, the ability to CREEP. Not crawl, but the army method of creeping low to the ground! What fun it has been to watch Avery Joy creep! Saturday evening, we spent more minutes than all of us will admit just watching her! What fun these first babies are to their families. Not only can she creep, but she stand proud! O.k. yes, she is up next to something, but loves every minute doing it. She is little, but she is mighty! I just wonder who she takes after???
Could it be her mom?
I am counting down these days in March. I am marking time, standing still marching as we did in band so many years ago. Waiting for this month to move...into Spring. I am tired of the snow, I am tired of shoveling my drive. I am tired of being half cold all of the time. I am tired of a dirty car. Just how did our ancestors do it? What made them want to move to this COLD CLIMATE? I give them praise for their hearty souls. But, were they thinking??
As March arrived, I felt myself relieved that FEBRUARY was once again over. The relief that I feel is like a weight off of my shoulders. The dread of moments, of memories and what seems like a lifetime ago. My brother, the widower of 11 years told me, "it takes about 13-14 months". He asked me today, do I feel better? Yes, I do. Will it last? I don't know. But for now, I am better.
My salvation still rests in my quiet private moments mostly in my car. A fantastic sunrise surprised me one morning. Out of my doom and gloom existance rose the morning light. As it rose to the east, the clouds broke above and below the sun. This thin line of clouds that ran horizontally to the earth for miles and miles stood still as the morning rays burst up and sprayed the earth below with golden light. It looked like a cross, no an ANGEL, it looked like how I wanted it to look. I just believe it was meant only for me. That moment was a gift from Heaven. God knows me very well, Bruce knows me very well. They know what will trip my trigger. In some moments of March, my life feels good. It fills with meaning and purpose and rightness.
All of this nonsensical talk isn't black and white, it is so gray. Yet, it isn't rocket science. It just is. Just as the moon is, the eclipse was. What must our ancestors have thought? Way back before science, before internet, before newspapers, before understanding? I believe they thought much like me. Something much grander and bigger than lil ole me is in charge. Perhaps they too, were given a gift of a morning sunrise that brought them to tears. That is what they saw, that is what drew them to their somewhere. That thought will keep me marching on.
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