I can't believe I am this old, that my children are 26 to almost 32 years old, that I am a grandmother and also a great aunt! Especially the idea of being a great aunt really seems so bizarre. I adored and loved all of my great aunts, BUT - I thought that they were REALLY REALLY old! I am wondering if that is how all of my cute little nieces and nephews see me? Yes, they do see wrinkles much clearer than I do! Yes, looking old bothers me, what can I say - I am vain, I admit it.
I really don't feel old mentally. My mind thinks at about a twenty-something most days. I am indecisive, scatterbrained and want to have fun and make fun. Of my body, it is my hands and wrists that feel the oldest! Keeping fit is really my biggest challenge. I sit most of the day at work which doesn't help. The hill behind the clinic continues to call my name and every day that I can get out there and not suffer wind chill is a plus. Here at Matt's home tonight, I am taking advantage of my downtime with some floor exercises. For several years while I was traveling so much doing Weekenders - I devised some CAR EXERCISE routines! I could do leg lifts, flexes, thigh & butt cheek squeezes - and arm flex/extensions, all while driving down the highway! It looked goofy I am sure. I had an ah-ha thought that I should market my car exercises! Ok...it was another one of my wild ideas! I still do them on my way to and from work! Especially the butt cheek squeezes - why not?
Since the wedding, life is flying past me in jet-streams it seems. I have watched the fields be harvested along with many fall sunrises and sunsets. I am constantly struck by the unique colors of the horizons at these spectacular times. I feel richly blessed to be an observer of these seasonal changes in nature.
It seems as if I don't have time to get all that I want to get done done, YET - the words Marking Time keep coming into my thoughts. If you were in marching band, this phrase described marching in place, not moving, just marching in place while you played a portion of the song or waited for whatever counts it took to move forward. Somehow, I feel that I am Marking time. I see the world moving and changing around me - like sitting in a theater watching a movie.
When I get these thoughts that persist in my head, I think about it for a while until something better comes along to think about and then I let it go. But, it seems to be sitting on the back burner of my mind waiting for me to think about it some more.
My life is changing slowly. With the last child (OK, young man) moved out of the house, I am finally alone. Except for the new little cat I recently acquired. Her name is Ruby. She is a stray that befriended a home with dogs. They began to feed her and soon she brought a little kitten to feed as well. They had them both spade, but discovered with the dogs, it wasn't a good idea to keep them. So it was, that my friend Diane (aka cat lady) got her. Diane is also a widow, and it has been her animals that have given her comfort, solace and yes, have lifted her spirits on many days. It was the week after the wedding that she said to me, "Deb, I have a cat for you! She needs a good home and she would be a perfect house-mate for you!" I, at first wasn't sure I wanted a cat. Growing up on a farm, cats belonged outside. With a promise that I could return her without question if it didn't work. So now, three weeks later, Ruby, aka Miss Ruby Slippers has a home. She is still quite skittish, which is still quite fine with me. We are both slowly warming to one another. I tell her every day,
There is no place like home!.
So, besides losing a son as a housemate and gaining a cat, I have been making small changes in my life. With no one home to be quiet for in the mornings, I have changed some of my routines. I stopped getting the daily paper and now just get it on the weekends when I am going to be home. And, instead of sitting in the living room and reading the paper - I take my coffee and go down into the family room and get my morning news off of CNN. It is hard to let go of familiarity. So much of my life was wrapped around the word OUR, that letting go of routine felt like a betrayal. As with anything, I am finding that the THOUGHT of the change was what I was fearful of. So, little by little life is assuming some sort of new routine for me.
Speaking of the word OUR, while recently spending a wonderful weekend with both of my sister, we were shopping and browsing in a cute little town called Mt Horeb, WI. We went into one of these stores that had all sorts of wooden wall plaques. Many of these plaques had the word OUR on them, OUR HOME, OUR LOVE, etc... When you are a widow and living alone, the word OUR begins to grate on your nerves. As I silently gritted my teeth and smiled, a wooden sign spoke to me, it said, LOVE IS SPOKEN HERE. I pointed it out to one of my sisters in passing, "Now, that could be a sign I could see in my home!" Well, lo and behold, the next time I saw Nancy, she had the sign for me. She had made a special trip back to this town to get this for me. What can I say, other than - I am SO DARN BLESSED! I haven't put it up yet, but am thinking I will display it in the family room, where we were truly a family in so many good good ways.
I celebrated my one year at the clinic on November 19Th. I have gained many new friends and enjoy my work. In fact, my coworkers threw a birthday celebration for me on Wednesday. Food, balloons and laughter filled our office space! Three of my widow friends and I are going out for supper tonight and then back to my home to spend with family and play games. Yes, I know I have been blessed to have such good people in my life.
Yesterday was the second Thanksgiving without Bruce. Somethings still just make me sad. Being alone on Holidays even with family present, I find myself sinking into a pity-party mode. I hate it and wish it weren't that way. The food was fantastic, Abby came and helped me finish making the mashed potatoes, fresh Caesar salad and sauteed fresh green beans. I figured out how to deep fry a turkey after climbing up into the garage rafters and under the back deck and re-assembling it. Loved having the kids there, just wanted so badly to hear Bruce say things that he said in his endearing way like how he said "dear" ,"honey" , the way he said, Debra Gail when he really wanted my attention or how he always complimented my cooking with words such as "this apple pie is absolutely fantastic,Deb"
His birthday is right around the corner again. I haven't been out to the cemetery for a long time. I plan to make a trip out there on Sunday. I am still amazed at the many local people that I run into while out and about. They meet, greet and hug me, asking how I am with such sincerity. What they are saying without saying it is;how are you doing without Bruce? And, now I am able to have a conversation without tears and say how much it still sucks to be alone, but with my head held high, a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye, I want them to know - I am doing alright! It warms my heart when I am with family and we get on a Remember when Bruce said or did that...memory tour! I was recently with my two sisters and we did just that! My sister was laughing so hard, she was crying and then had to call her friend in Atlanta to get the exact words of what Bruce had said! I love it! I love that people STILL remember his laughter, his wit, and yes, even his at times crude behavior. Whatever made him tick, it was HIS SPIRIT... and it was that - that essence of him, that I loved so very very much and that I miss still so very very much!
Well, enough reflections for now. This is my marking of time today.
Stay warm and snug, give a hug to someone who needs one!
Fondly, Deb
