Work closed at noon today. After stopping to get gas, pick up more Romaine lettuce (for another fresh Caesar salad tonight), a stop at the cleaners and a car-wash - yes in 17degree weather - I still can't stand the sight of a dirty car, especially my BLACK BEAUTIFUL ACURA! I am home. It is quiet, except for the sound of the furnace blasting to keep the house at 64degrees - my new indoor winter temperature! Yes, I have a neck scarf wrapped around me and with that I am warm!
I have gone through my mail for today and all of the wonderful Christmas cards and letter received. I have updated my address book and caught up on 'home office stuff'. And now, I have moments that feel right to write!
I can't help but remember and look back on special days like today. This morning while at work I shared at least 4 stories of day's gone by with my co-worker. (No-we weren't that busy - everyone wants to be well for Christmas - and that goes to show you the power of the human mind!) She is a good listener, she doesn't overly empathize, she keeps her head about her and she likes me. She listened patiently to my previous life stories with Bruce in them.
I told her I was going to try to NOT get a speeding ticket on the way home today. Since, last year - that is what happened on Christmas Eve coming home from Red Wing.
Since then, I believe I have only been pulled over one other time! For some reading this, you must think I am a speed demon! Well, I do have a heavy foot. But, lately I have settled down, settled into my life and really just don't have anywhere I really need to be to in that big of a hurry.
Last night we had our little family Christmas. It was the evening that would work with everyone. Now that we have a Doctor in the family who is ON-CALL, her schedule takes precedence and if we want her here with us, we abide by her schedule. Our family always believed it isn't so much the DAY, but the TIME that is spent with one another that really matters in the end. A combined effort for our simple Italian fare was made. Wendy and Ty made delicious manicotti, I made a fantastic fresh Caesar salad with homemade croutons - and Lance and Shayna brought the wine and refreshments. We ate and then busily got to unwrapping since an 18 month-old was top priority! It was so much fun to watch her play with the wrapping paper. She got into helping others unwrap their gifts - and then like a pile of leaves, she began to play on the floor in all of this paper and tissue stuff. As the evening came to a close and everyone was packing to go home, I began to clean up the kitchen. Standing at the kitchen sink, my eldest son approached me and rubbed my back and putting his head next to mine said, "Merry Christmas Mom, I Love You" I am not sure if it was his touch or his words that caused my tears to well. He asked if I was OK, I nodded yes - since my voice doesn't work when my tear ducts are spilling over. We talked briefly about how much we both still miss him. He hugged me again, then he was gone.
With the majority of the frenzy behind me, the EVE and DAY are still ahead. And so, I have time to think, to remember - to journey back. The story of baby Jesus in the manger takes on new significance with this cold spell we have been having. And with it, comes memories of my childhood. Going out to the farrowing house in the winter was always an adventure for me! For those not familiar with farm-onics (as my sister would say) - Farrowing houses were building where sows that were ready to have litters of pigs were kept. A corn-shovel almost always sat outside many of these buildings to scoop the newest layer of snow away from the wooden door. As one would turn the little piece of wood upright to open the door, grunts of mother sows and squeals of little pigs filled the air along with the smell of FARM! But,it was the warmth of life in the air that clings in my memory. The pigpens lined both sides of this slanted roofed building. It had a wide aisle right down the center that usually had extra bales of straw piled up, feed and pails for water. Their individual stalls had an area just big enough for the sow, and then a smaller area for the litter of pigs right next to the sow. These pens were constructed in such a way as a farmer or a farm-girl like myself could get into the little pig area without being harmed from the mother sow. Fresh straw would be constantly put down for the bedding, and in this area where the litters could nuzzle up for their hourly feedings - a low lying heat lamp kept them warm! Dad also had a big heater in this building that blew out almost a jet-stream of heat! (I wish I could remember the name of this!) It looked like a small missile, it was low to the ground and made a very loud noise. It was wonderful to stand near! I can still see dad in this building, feeding, watering and caring for these pigs. I believe I must have been younger than 10 years old at the time. But, even today, after decades have passed, I think this is my closest comparison to what a manger must have been like. The excitement that is elicited in my memory of precious life on a farm in the cold of winter warms me on this another Christmas Eve. What memory brings you close to the baby Jesus?
May you and yours have a warm, happy and safe Holiday. Share a hug with someone who could use one and may God Bless!
Fondly, Deb
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Marking time at 56
Today is my birthday and also moms! Happy Birth-Day mom! I love you!!
I can't believe I am this old, that my children are 26 to almost 32 years old, that I am a grandmother and also a great aunt! Especially the idea of being a great aunt really seems so bizarre. I adored and loved all of my great aunts, BUT - I thought that they were REALLY REALLY old! I am wondering if that is how all of my cute little nieces and nephews see me? Yes, they do see wrinkles much clearer than I do! Yes, looking old bothers me, what can I say - I am vain, I admit it.
I really don't feel old mentally. My mind thinks at about a twenty-something most days. I am indecisive, scatterbrained and want to have fun and make fun. Of my body, it is my hands and wrists that feel the oldest! Keeping fit is really my biggest challenge. I sit most of the day at work which doesn't help. The hill behind the clinic continues to call my name and every day that I can get out there and not suffer wind chill is a plus. Here at Matt's home tonight, I am taking advantage of my downtime with some floor exercises. For several years while I was traveling so much doing Weekenders - I devised some CAR EXERCISE routines! I could do leg lifts, flexes, thigh & butt cheek squeezes - and arm flex/extensions, all while driving down the highway! It looked goofy I am sure. I had an ah-ha thought that I should market my car exercises! Ok...it was another one of my wild ideas! I still do them on my way to and from work! Especially the butt cheek squeezes - why not?
Since the wedding, life is flying past me in jet-streams it seems. I have watched the fields be harvested along with many fall sunrises and sunsets. I am constantly struck by the unique colors of the horizons at these spectacular times. I feel richly blessed to be an observer of these seasonal changes in nature.
It seems as if I don't have time to get all that I want to get done done, YET - the words Marking Time keep coming into my thoughts. If you were in marching band, this phrase described marching in place, not moving, just marching in place while you played a portion of the song or waited for whatever counts it took to move forward. Somehow, I feel that I am Marking time. I see the world moving and changing around me - like sitting in a theater watching a movie.
When I get these thoughts that persist in my head, I think about it for a while until something better comes along to think about and then I let it go. But, it seems to be sitting on the back burner of my mind waiting for me to think about it some more.
My life is changing slowly. With the last child (OK, young man) moved out of the house, I am finally alone. Except for the new little cat I recently acquired. Her name is Ruby. She is a stray that befriended a home with dogs. They began to feed her and soon she brought a little kitten to feed as well. They had them both spade, but discovered with the dogs, it wasn't a good idea to keep them. So it was, that my friend Diane (aka cat lady) got her. Diane is also a widow, and it has been her animals that have given her comfort, solace and yes, have lifted her spirits on many days. It was the week after the wedding that she said to me, "Deb, I have a cat for you! She needs a good home and she would be a perfect house-mate for you!" I, at first wasn't sure I wanted a cat. Growing up on a farm, cats belonged outside. With a promise that I could return her without question if it didn't work. So now, three weeks later, Ruby, aka Miss Ruby Slippers has a home. She is still quite skittish, which is still quite fine with me. We are both slowly warming to one another. I tell her every day,
So, besides losing a son as a housemate and gaining a cat, I have been making small changes in my life. With no one home to be quiet for in the mornings, I have changed some of my routines. I stopped getting the daily paper and now just get it on the weekends when I am going to be home. And, instead of sitting in the living room and reading the paper - I take my coffee and go down into the family room and get my morning news off of CNN. It is hard to let go of familiarity. So much of my life was wrapped around the word OUR, that letting go of routine felt like a betrayal. As with anything, I am finding that the THOUGHT of the change was what I was fearful of. So, little by little life is assuming some sort of new routine for me.
Speaking of the word OUR, while recently spending a wonderful weekend with both of my sister, we were shopping and browsing in a cute little town called Mt Horeb, WI. We went into one of these stores that had all sorts of wooden wall plaques. Many of these plaques had the word OUR on them, OUR HOME, OUR LOVE, etc... When you are a widow and living alone, the word OUR begins to grate on your nerves. As I silently gritted my teeth and smiled, a wooden sign spoke to me, it said, LOVE IS SPOKEN HERE. I pointed it out to one of my sisters in passing, "Now, that could be a sign I could see in my home!" Well, lo and behold, the next time I saw Nancy, she had the sign for me. She had made a special trip back to this town to get this for me. What can I say, other than - I am SO DARN BLESSED! I haven't put it up yet, but am thinking I will display it in the family room, where we were truly a family in so many good good ways.
I celebrated my one year at the clinic on November 19Th. I have gained many new friends and enjoy my work. In fact, my coworkers threw a birthday celebration for me on Wednesday. Food, balloons and laughter filled our office space! Three of my widow friends and I are going out for supper tonight and then back to my home to spend with family and play games. Yes, I know I have been blessed to have such good people in my life.
Yesterday was the second Thanksgiving without Bruce. Somethings still just make me sad. Being alone on Holidays even with family present, I find myself sinking into a pity-party mode. I hate it and wish it weren't that way. The food was fantastic, Abby came and helped me finish making the mashed potatoes, fresh Caesar salad and sauteed fresh green beans. I figured out how to deep fry a turkey after climbing up into the garage rafters and under the back deck and re-assembling it. Loved having the kids there, just wanted so badly to hear Bruce say things that he said in his endearing way like how he said "dear" ,"honey" , the way he said, Debra Gail when he really wanted my attention or how he always complimented my cooking with words such as "this apple pie is absolutely fantastic,Deb"
His birthday is right around the corner again. I haven't been out to the cemetery for a long time. I plan to make a trip out there on Sunday. I am still amazed at the many local people that I run into while out and about. They meet, greet and hug me, asking how I am with such sincerity. What they are saying without saying it is;how are you doing without Bruce? And, now I am able to have a conversation without tears and say how much it still sucks to be alone, but with my head held high, a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye, I want them to know - I am doing alright! It warms my heart when I am with family and we get on a Remember when Bruce said or did that...memory tour! I was recently with my two sisters and we did just that! My sister was laughing so hard, she was crying and then had to call her friend in Atlanta to get the exact words of what Bruce had said! I love it! I love that people STILL remember his laughter, his wit, and yes, even his at times crude behavior. Whatever made him tick, it was HIS SPIRIT... and it was that - that essence of him, that I loved so very very much and that I miss still so very very much!
Well, enough reflections for now. This is my marking of time today.
Stay warm and snug, give a hug to someone who needs one!
Fondly, Deb
I can't believe I am this old, that my children are 26 to almost 32 years old, that I am a grandmother and also a great aunt! Especially the idea of being a great aunt really seems so bizarre. I adored and loved all of my great aunts, BUT - I thought that they were REALLY REALLY old! I am wondering if that is how all of my cute little nieces and nephews see me? Yes, they do see wrinkles much clearer than I do! Yes, looking old bothers me, what can I say - I am vain, I admit it.
I really don't feel old mentally. My mind thinks at about a twenty-something most days. I am indecisive, scatterbrained and want to have fun and make fun. Of my body, it is my hands and wrists that feel the oldest! Keeping fit is really my biggest challenge. I sit most of the day at work which doesn't help. The hill behind the clinic continues to call my name and every day that I can get out there and not suffer wind chill is a plus. Here at Matt's home tonight, I am taking advantage of my downtime with some floor exercises. For several years while I was traveling so much doing Weekenders - I devised some CAR EXERCISE routines! I could do leg lifts, flexes, thigh & butt cheek squeezes - and arm flex/extensions, all while driving down the highway! It looked goofy I am sure. I had an ah-ha thought that I should market my car exercises! Ok...it was another one of my wild ideas! I still do them on my way to and from work! Especially the butt cheek squeezes - why not?
Since the wedding, life is flying past me in jet-streams it seems. I have watched the fields be harvested along with many fall sunrises and sunsets. I am constantly struck by the unique colors of the horizons at these spectacular times. I feel richly blessed to be an observer of these seasonal changes in nature.
It seems as if I don't have time to get all that I want to get done done, YET - the words Marking Time keep coming into my thoughts. If you were in marching band, this phrase described marching in place, not moving, just marching in place while you played a portion of the song or waited for whatever counts it took to move forward. Somehow, I feel that I am Marking time. I see the world moving and changing around me - like sitting in a theater watching a movie.
When I get these thoughts that persist in my head, I think about it for a while until something better comes along to think about and then I let it go. But, it seems to be sitting on the back burner of my mind waiting for me to think about it some more.
My life is changing slowly. With the last child (OK, young man) moved out of the house, I am finally alone. Except for the new little cat I recently acquired. Her name is Ruby. She is a stray that befriended a home with dogs. They began to feed her and soon she brought a little kitten to feed as well. They had them both spade, but discovered with the dogs, it wasn't a good idea to keep them. So it was, that my friend Diane (aka cat lady) got her. Diane is also a widow, and it has been her animals that have given her comfort, solace and yes, have lifted her spirits on many days. It was the week after the wedding that she said to me, "Deb, I have a cat for you! She needs a good home and she would be a perfect house-mate for you!" I, at first wasn't sure I wanted a cat. Growing up on a farm, cats belonged outside. With a promise that I could return her without question if it didn't work. So now, three weeks later, Ruby, aka Miss Ruby Slippers has a home. She is still quite skittish, which is still quite fine with me. We are both slowly warming to one another. I tell her every day,
There is no place like home!.
So, besides losing a son as a housemate and gaining a cat, I have been making small changes in my life. With no one home to be quiet for in the mornings, I have changed some of my routines. I stopped getting the daily paper and now just get it on the weekends when I am going to be home. And, instead of sitting in the living room and reading the paper - I take my coffee and go down into the family room and get my morning news off of CNN. It is hard to let go of familiarity. So much of my life was wrapped around the word OUR, that letting go of routine felt like a betrayal. As with anything, I am finding that the THOUGHT of the change was what I was fearful of. So, little by little life is assuming some sort of new routine for me.
Speaking of the word OUR, while recently spending a wonderful weekend with both of my sister, we were shopping and browsing in a cute little town called Mt Horeb, WI. We went into one of these stores that had all sorts of wooden wall plaques. Many of these plaques had the word OUR on them, OUR HOME, OUR LOVE, etc... When you are a widow and living alone, the word OUR begins to grate on your nerves. As I silently gritted my teeth and smiled, a wooden sign spoke to me, it said, LOVE IS SPOKEN HERE. I pointed it out to one of my sisters in passing, "Now, that could be a sign I could see in my home!" Well, lo and behold, the next time I saw Nancy, she had the sign for me. She had made a special trip back to this town to get this for me. What can I say, other than - I am SO DARN BLESSED! I haven't put it up yet, but am thinking I will display it in the family room, where we were truly a family in so many good good ways.
I celebrated my one year at the clinic on November 19Th. I have gained many new friends and enjoy my work. In fact, my coworkers threw a birthday celebration for me on Wednesday. Food, balloons and laughter filled our office space! Three of my widow friends and I are going out for supper tonight and then back to my home to spend with family and play games. Yes, I know I have been blessed to have such good people in my life.
Yesterday was the second Thanksgiving without Bruce. Somethings still just make me sad. Being alone on Holidays even with family present, I find myself sinking into a pity-party mode. I hate it and wish it weren't that way. The food was fantastic, Abby came and helped me finish making the mashed potatoes, fresh Caesar salad and sauteed fresh green beans. I figured out how to deep fry a turkey after climbing up into the garage rafters and under the back deck and re-assembling it. Loved having the kids there, just wanted so badly to hear Bruce say things that he said in his endearing way like how he said "dear" ,"honey" , the way he said, Debra Gail when he really wanted my attention or how he always complimented my cooking with words such as "this apple pie is absolutely fantastic,Deb"
His birthday is right around the corner again. I haven't been out to the cemetery for a long time. I plan to make a trip out there on Sunday. I am still amazed at the many local people that I run into while out and about. They meet, greet and hug me, asking how I am with such sincerity. What they are saying without saying it is;how are you doing without Bruce? And, now I am able to have a conversation without tears and say how much it still sucks to be alone, but with my head held high, a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye, I want them to know - I am doing alright! It warms my heart when I am with family and we get on a Remember when Bruce said or did that...memory tour! I was recently with my two sisters and we did just that! My sister was laughing so hard, she was crying and then had to call her friend in Atlanta to get the exact words of what Bruce had said! I love it! I love that people STILL remember his laughter, his wit, and yes, even his at times crude behavior. Whatever made him tick, it was HIS SPIRIT... and it was that - that essence of him, that I loved so very very much and that I miss still so very very much!
Well, enough reflections for now. This is my marking of time today.
Stay warm and snug, give a hug to someone who needs one!
Fondly, Deb
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Wedding... in LOVE...with Love
I knew it would come and go just like that and it did. I tried to savor the moments, the conversations, the hugs, the smiles and all of the love that was part of that weekend.
The Wedding of Lance and Shayna is now in the past. But, never will many of the memories be far away. The good news included, great weather, fantastic fall colors, over 250 guests, and so many many friends and family who stood by me and my family, supporting, caring and loving all of us. It truly became a community event. As friends recently said about the day, "it just felt so full of love"
First of all, know that Lance and Shayna are not of the mold of what you think a wedding in 2008 should be like. The outdoor setting, beyond church walls was intentional. As Shayna said, "what more does one need beside being in nature to know that our creator is in charge?" Their non-traditional theme included cost as well. Their practical nature is proof positive that a wedding can be beautiful and classy without taking out a second mortgage. Their day was how they envisioned to begin their life together. I honor their beliefs. It centers around the RIGHT STUFF - that is LOVE.
The lone old oak tree stood in the middle of this vast lawn. Fall had done it's magic on it's leaves. Golden Brown to Muted Rusts, weathered and drying, a few of the branches bare... a few leaves falling ever so randomly, but yet, the tree stood tall, like an old friend full of wisdom, it loomed over the crowd of 250 on a sunny windy Saturday in October. Under it's branches a garden arch had been erected and decorated with grasses,weeds and artificial flowers. Surrounded by pots of yellow mums, this was the stage for the beginning of a life of love for two.
The attendants ... Shayna's three sisters and her childhood girlfriend wore Cognac - this cinnamon color matched the leaves on the old oak tree. Orange, yellow and ivory roses were the icing they carried. Our friend, Marcia played a song that Lance and Shayna had selected, Haylee, one of Shayna's sister's sang the beautiful but simple six minute long slow melodic song, "To Build a Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. As Haylee continued to sing, a horse pulling a carriage trotted into the drive with Shayna and her dad in the back. Soon Shayna and her father were making their way down the aisle of grass. They wrote their own vows and promised their love to one another. Ty accompanied Haylee on his guitar to one of our favorite Beatle's tunes, "In My Life". Shayna's brother officiated this simple ceremony of LOVE.
The Stables barn at Voyager Village had been turned into a reception hall. Shayna's family including her grandparents and aunts provided delicious home grown garden food. Catered and served, it included home canned green beans, frozen sweet corn, roasted turkey and roast beef. Homemade dill pickles and bread n butter pickles were the extra touch to this wonderful meal.
Lance's dear friend Romaine whom he had worked with for years at the Sears store in town made an elegant and delicious wedding cake for them, the top tier tied with a bow. And, friends and family volunteered to put together an Appetizer and Dessert Bar. Wine was drunk, the kegs were tapped and the songs were spun.
On Friday night, we ordered Pizzas for the grooms dinner and tapped the keg and began to open a few bottles of wine. Family members and friends of Lance and Shayna pitched in to hang lights, table skirts, steam table clothes and decorate. Laughter was everywhere. Then, three of my friends went with me over to Randy and Karen's home to get a lesson from Wendy, my daughter-in-law (a horticulture major) on corsage and boutonniere making.
I had this crazy idea to make two Fall looking scarecrows - a Mr Groom and Mrs Bride. ...First, I had climbed up into my little crawlspace in search of my own wedding gown that was homemade 35 years ago. I made a garter for her leg, and found Bruce's old leather blazer from the 70's. I filled up two pair of pantyhose for the legs with stuffing, used a wooden hanger and a pillow stuffed into the bodies ...then with the help of my good friends, Marcia, Christy, Sandra and sister-in-law Shirley - we created these characters on the morning of the wedding. It was a fun diversion and will be a good memory as I insisted - the bride "look like she had boobs" and these friends took me seriously and even enhanced her with "DD." - ie double dixie cups! They even went on a "field trip" in search of leaves to make an oak-leaf-wreath for her head'.
Yes, Bruce was missed. Remembrances and toasts were made to his memory. A few tears escaped many a family member's eyes.
Yesterday as I viewed the link to their photos, love did look like it was shining down from the heavens. Yes, it was probably just the sun shining through the fusion of orange, yellow and brown trees that reflected off of Lance's beautiful red hair. But, well, maybe it could have been Bruce's spirit that felt so present that day!
See for yourself! http://eslockphoto.com/proofs/tokheim/
With Loving thoughts on November 1, 2008
Deb
The Wedding of Lance and Shayna is now in the past. But, never will many of the memories be far away. The good news included, great weather, fantastic fall colors, over 250 guests, and so many many friends and family who stood by me and my family, supporting, caring and loving all of us. It truly became a community event. As friends recently said about the day, "it just felt so full of love"
First of all, know that Lance and Shayna are not of the mold of what you think a wedding in 2008 should be like. The outdoor setting, beyond church walls was intentional. As Shayna said, "what more does one need beside being in nature to know that our creator is in charge?" Their non-traditional theme included cost as well. Their practical nature is proof positive that a wedding can be beautiful and classy without taking out a second mortgage. Their day was how they envisioned to begin their life together. I honor their beliefs. It centers around the RIGHT STUFF - that is LOVE.
The lone old oak tree stood in the middle of this vast lawn. Fall had done it's magic on it's leaves. Golden Brown to Muted Rusts, weathered and drying, a few of the branches bare... a few leaves falling ever so randomly, but yet, the tree stood tall, like an old friend full of wisdom, it loomed over the crowd of 250 on a sunny windy Saturday in October. Under it's branches a garden arch had been erected and decorated with grasses,weeds and artificial flowers. Surrounded by pots of yellow mums, this was the stage for the beginning of a life of love for two.
The attendants ... Shayna's three sisters and her childhood girlfriend wore Cognac - this cinnamon color matched the leaves on the old oak tree. Orange, yellow and ivory roses were the icing they carried. Our friend, Marcia played a song that Lance and Shayna had selected, Haylee, one of Shayna's sister's sang the beautiful but simple six minute long slow melodic song, "To Build a Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. As Haylee continued to sing, a horse pulling a carriage trotted into the drive with Shayna and her dad in the back. Soon Shayna and her father were making their way down the aisle of grass. They wrote their own vows and promised their love to one another. Ty accompanied Haylee on his guitar to one of our favorite Beatle's tunes, "In My Life". Shayna's brother officiated this simple ceremony of LOVE.
The Stables barn at Voyager Village had been turned into a reception hall. Shayna's family including her grandparents and aunts provided delicious home grown garden food. Catered and served, it included home canned green beans, frozen sweet corn, roasted turkey and roast beef. Homemade dill pickles and bread n butter pickles were the extra touch to this wonderful meal.
Lance's dear friend Romaine whom he had worked with for years at the Sears store in town made an elegant and delicious wedding cake for them, the top tier tied with a bow. And, friends and family volunteered to put together an Appetizer and Dessert Bar. Wine was drunk, the kegs were tapped and the songs were spun.
On Friday night, we ordered Pizzas for the grooms dinner and tapped the keg and began to open a few bottles of wine. Family members and friends of Lance and Shayna pitched in to hang lights, table skirts, steam table clothes and decorate. Laughter was everywhere. Then, three of my friends went with me over to Randy and Karen's home to get a lesson from Wendy, my daughter-in-law (a horticulture major) on corsage and boutonniere making.
I had this crazy idea to make two Fall looking scarecrows - a Mr Groom and Mrs Bride. ...First, I had climbed up into my little crawlspace in search of my own wedding gown that was homemade 35 years ago. I made a garter for her leg, and found Bruce's old leather blazer from the 70's. I filled up two pair of pantyhose for the legs with stuffing, used a wooden hanger and a pillow stuffed into the bodies ...then with the help of my good friends, Marcia, Christy, Sandra and sister-in-law Shirley - we created these characters on the morning of the wedding. It was a fun diversion and will be a good memory as I insisted - the bride "look like she had boobs" and these friends took me seriously and even enhanced her with "DD." - ie double dixie cups! They even went on a "field trip" in search of leaves to make an oak-leaf-wreath for her head'.
Yes, Bruce was missed. Remembrances and toasts were made to his memory. A few tears escaped many a family member's eyes.
Yesterday as I viewed the link to their photos, love did look like it was shining down from the heavens. Yes, it was probably just the sun shining through the fusion of orange, yellow and brown trees that reflected off of Lance's beautiful red hair. But, well, maybe it could have been Bruce's spirit that felt so present that day!
See for yourself! http://eslockphoto.com/proofs/tokheim/
With Loving thoughts on November 1, 2008
Deb
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Uphill, Makeovers & Memories
The titles of these conversations with myself sometimes are words that seem to linger somewhere deep inside of me for moments into days. Yes, I have been itching to write, yet, there is a time and place for everything and so as it seems, this must be the time and place.
Work tends to take it's toll on me most days. Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is now my work. Therefore, when I come home - it just isn't that appealing. Tonight tho, seems different. It is just a little after 8pm, I have just returned home from eating at one our local bars with 5 friends who are in my same boat! It was taco night! 2 Tacos, 2 beers and $6 later, I am sated and relaxed.
It is a new month. And, in 17 days, we are having a wedding in the family. My baby is getting married. It has been fun to be part of some of the planning. I ask Shayna - my soon to be daughter-in-law, "what can I do?" "give me a job". I have felt like I am twiddle-ing my thumbs. But, God bless her, she has given me jobs to do and is allowing me some free rein on certain little projects. It is good therapy for me.
I haven't allowed myself to spend much time thinking about the exact day and how it will all go, by myself at the mother of the groom. Not yet anyway. Even after 20 months, sad moments hit me - and I still miss him, my Bruce!
Memories do seem to sweep over me and sometimes I feel like I have been knocked over. I was in the car driving somewhere when one of these moments with him hit me. It was as if some force knocked my head back against the headrest and took my breath away as a memory flooded back into consciousness. Momentarily, I might feel sad, or laugh, or grimace or just blankly stare, as time passes over me.
In getting ready for the wedding, I have become more earnest at trying to improve my appearance! The firming of certain body parts would be very beneficial for my health as well. As hard as I try to eat less and do a little bit of walking - not much seems to change. About 6 weeks ago - when I found out we were having a wedding and I was going to be the mother of the Groom, I began to walk over my lunch hour in a nice little park down by the river in Red Wing. Around and around the sidewalks I would walk. I was quite bored, except for the ducks in the water and perhaps a child in the park. I was hoping for miracles after the first week of walking!
One of my co-workers is an avid biker and walker. She would go do the 'hill' behind the clinic on her lunch hour. I had tried it in the early spring, but thought it was too difficult and came up with an excuse not to do it, labeling it an 'unsafe area'. But, one day, she invited me to do the hill with her. It was invigorating to say the least. I felt the BURN! This has become Deb's extreme makeover measures! Now if Bruce were still alive, he would certainly be laughing hysterically at my attempts to firm up this fifty-something body overnight, ok, lets just say it, ASS! He would of course be very complimentary in a way a husband would always be! ... (dot, dot, dot!!)
To go on then, this hill at first was a bit foreboding. It is behind the hospital and is actually a gravel road that goes down into an undeveloped section of town. It is quiet, away from traffic and I am only accompanied perhaps by an eagle that soars overhead or perhaps a butterfly and, yes - grasshoppers as they are hopping to and fro. I have made myself do this hill almost every day I work in the past two weeks.
As I walk up this hill, my breathing becomes shorter and faster, until I am panting. Always, Bruce comes to mind, his breathing and how much he endured! I keep my eyes focused on the gravel during this steepest climb eagerly waiting to get to the leveled top ahead. Pushing onward, I feel the burn as my leg muscles begin to get an honest to goodness workout. I really can't tell much difference yet, but for some reason... the hill is calling me back. This huffing and puffing exercise has cleared out some cobwebs - and it has gotten me outside, in the fresh air - with nature, where I feel part of God's great earth.
Memories - how does something become a memory? In a book I am reading right now, the author explains how everything we see, feel, touch, do , act on - is imprinted in the part of ourselves we call a memory. If you were to look at a person, and then close your eyes and just think about what that person looks like, you have already captured their memory - we can then conjure up that same image later on. This revealing thought has given me much to ponder on. I have years and years of memories of Bruce and I together. Hearing his laugh, seeing how his eyes danced when he was acting childlike, watching him walk, shrug his shoulders, all of these and more will always be there . There is no where else to find Bruce, but in my memories. And, for me, this is comforting tonight. Just a little food for thought.
Tomorrow - yes, the hill beckons!
Work tends to take it's toll on me most days. Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is now my work. Therefore, when I come home - it just isn't that appealing. Tonight tho, seems different. It is just a little after 8pm, I have just returned home from eating at one our local bars with 5 friends who are in my same boat! It was taco night! 2 Tacos, 2 beers and $6 later, I am sated and relaxed.
It is a new month. And, in 17 days, we are having a wedding in the family. My baby is getting married. It has been fun to be part of some of the planning. I ask Shayna - my soon to be daughter-in-law, "what can I do?" "give me a job". I have felt like I am twiddle-ing my thumbs. But, God bless her, she has given me jobs to do and is allowing me some free rein on certain little projects. It is good therapy for me.
I haven't allowed myself to spend much time thinking about the exact day and how it will all go, by myself at the mother of the groom. Not yet anyway. Even after 20 months, sad moments hit me - and I still miss him, my Bruce!
Memories do seem to sweep over me and sometimes I feel like I have been knocked over. I was in the car driving somewhere when one of these moments with him hit me. It was as if some force knocked my head back against the headrest and took my breath away as a memory flooded back into consciousness. Momentarily, I might feel sad, or laugh, or grimace or just blankly stare, as time passes over me.
In getting ready for the wedding, I have become more earnest at trying to improve my appearance! The firming of certain body parts would be very beneficial for my health as well. As hard as I try to eat less and do a little bit of walking - not much seems to change. About 6 weeks ago - when I found out we were having a wedding and I was going to be the mother of the Groom, I began to walk over my lunch hour in a nice little park down by the river in Red Wing. Around and around the sidewalks I would walk. I was quite bored, except for the ducks in the water and perhaps a child in the park. I was hoping for miracles after the first week of walking!
One of my co-workers is an avid biker and walker. She would go do the 'hill' behind the clinic on her lunch hour. I had tried it in the early spring, but thought it was too difficult and came up with an excuse not to do it, labeling it an 'unsafe area'. But, one day, she invited me to do the hill with her. It was invigorating to say the least. I felt the BURN! This has become Deb's extreme makeover measures! Now if Bruce were still alive, he would certainly be laughing hysterically at my attempts to firm up this fifty-something body overnight, ok, lets just say it, ASS! He would of course be very complimentary in a way a husband would always be! ... (dot, dot, dot!!)
To go on then, this hill at first was a bit foreboding. It is behind the hospital and is actually a gravel road that goes down into an undeveloped section of town. It is quiet, away from traffic and I am only accompanied perhaps by an eagle that soars overhead or perhaps a butterfly and, yes - grasshoppers as they are hopping to and fro. I have made myself do this hill almost every day I work in the past two weeks.
As I walk up this hill, my breathing becomes shorter and faster, until I am panting. Always, Bruce comes to mind, his breathing and how much he endured! I keep my eyes focused on the gravel during this steepest climb eagerly waiting to get to the leveled top ahead. Pushing onward, I feel the burn as my leg muscles begin to get an honest to goodness workout. I really can't tell much difference yet, but for some reason... the hill is calling me back. This huffing and puffing exercise has cleared out some cobwebs - and it has gotten me outside, in the fresh air - with nature, where I feel part of God's great earth.
Memories - how does something become a memory? In a book I am reading right now, the author explains how everything we see, feel, touch, do , act on - is imprinted in the part of ourselves we call a memory. If you were to look at a person, and then close your eyes and just think about what that person looks like, you have already captured their memory - we can then conjure up that same image later on. This revealing thought has given me much to ponder on. I have years and years of memories of Bruce and I together. Hearing his laugh, seeing how his eyes danced when he was acting childlike, watching him walk, shrug his shoulders, all of these and more will always be there . There is no where else to find Bruce, but in my memories. And, for me, this is comforting tonight. Just a little food for thought.
Tomorrow - yes, the hill beckons!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Fall, Friday, Tuesdays, 9/11, 61
Yes... this has been in my thoughts - that is - getting back to writing! But, my life, it seems so busy! How and Why can that be?
It is another Friday in my life and as I left work, I had a hop in my step. I have found even on Friday mornings that I am excited once again for the end of the week. I take this as a very good sign in the life of ME! It isn't that I have that much planned, but more I am ready for the end of the week, a rest, a break from my daily grind. I know, that many of you out there GET THIS.
The countdown continues as I closed the pool down tonight after work for another year. YES - YEAR 2 it all was easier. I am getting into my groove as they say. I don't like it! And, in an instant would have my life back as it was - BUT - so, I continue on. The pool equipment is tucked safely away, the pool cover is on, including a new netting I purchased to 'catch all of the leaves this fall'. Now, lets see if my $90 purchase pays off! I really don't want to scoop rotten old leaves off of the pool cover one more spring.
The high school football game is in progress. I can hear it out my open window. Wow..so many memories of years gone by. I remember when we first moved to Wisconsin, wanting to feel like part of the community and that we went to a highschool football game in Ellsworth, the school district we were part of then. I thought about that night - tonight. How we didn't know very many people, but we went as a family. Sometimes he or I would come up with an idea of something to do, and we would just do it. The other one might just go along with the idea without complaining, even thought my/his heart wasn't there. As we moved to River Falls and all of the highschool games are played at the university football field in our backyard - we first began to just watch parts of the game from our backyard. As the kids became involved in school and in band, we then were active participants.
Always though, Friday nights were fun. The kids were always revved up. Overnights were in progress especially with Abby and her girlfriends. So, many times we had a houseful of kids. A movie might be rented or bought and or food ordered or out to eat somewhere. It signaled the end, celebration of another work week for the Tokheims.
The football season is in full swing. Last weekend, Lance reminded me of that. He was watch the Iowa game on television. As he brought up the subject, I was shocked at how far I felt I had come. Last year, the first game of the season, I had to go to with Ty. I had to sit where Bruce had sat, wanting to be closer to him in some odd way. But now this year, one year later it all seems quite normal for me again. When Bruce was alive, he was sooo absorbed in the sports scene, I just let him be that way. He of course loved that I didn't give him any flack about it. Many a Saturday, he lounged downstairs soaking in his sports while I went about my daily routines, cleaning, nursing jobs, shopping, classes I took - we just went our seperate ways sometimes, especially on Saturdays.
I got to babysit with Avery on Monday. She had a cold over the weekend with a bit of mattery eyes. This mattery eye condition is the bane of a daycare. They absolutely don't want a child in daycare with it. I loved having her here. She is just such a little cutie bug! Avel Bug we call her. She is 19# of pure love! She has a smile that will melt your heart. She is learning to say things, like mama, dada, babee, she points to objects and does this cute little oooohhhh whistle with her mouth. And, most importantly - she knows now when she is doing something wrong! Dropping her cup over the side of the highchair - she will immediately look for my response. Pulling the safety cap out of an outlet, she looks at me and make a noise as she shows me what she has just done. Amazing! This little brain of a child that we sometimes so often take for granted in life. We talk about Grandpa Tokheim to her. I look forward to the day when she is older and really wants to know about him, when she say to me, Grandma, where is Grandpa Bruce? That will be "so cool" - the same as Bruce's words as he felt Wendy's stomach the day he died.
I went to the play,
The 7th Anniversary of 9/11 was Thursday. I emailed Ty, as it was the day he began to work for his dad. I couldn't help but remember that day so vividly, like so many in my life. Ty wrote me back. I read his email while I was at work. I teared up but I didn't cry. He said,
This week my parents celebrated their 61st Anniversary. NOW - that is LOVE!
I had the distinct pleasure of spending moments with them a few weeks ago. Dad went to Rochester (in his right mind) and had a cardiovascular consultation done. It was a very positive experience. They were able to roto-rooter out a very calcified nearly blocked cardiac artery and put in a stint in this 83 year old die-hard! We were all nervous if the results would be in our favor. He is now back home, doing what he loves to do, mowing lawn, driving somewhere in his pickup and getting tired from 'working'. Mom of course is nervous again. He seems to have too much energy and worries more when she can't keep her eye on him. Whatever happens to him, he has lived a good and long life. He had the opportunity to tell mom this over and over again while we were in Rochester. Their love is what always I aspired to have with Bruce. I did. Just not for as many years.
And...dad got disoriented again in the hosptital. We were able to get him discharged home a little earlier than expected. And again - he is himself.
Well, since my last entry, I have seen MAMA MIA 4 more times! I am crazy. what can I say? And, even better - for Halloween - you guessed it - I am going to be - one of them - now guess just what one I will be?
Fondly and always,
Deb...
It is another Friday in my life and as I left work, I had a hop in my step. I have found even on Friday mornings that I am excited once again for the end of the week. I take this as a very good sign in the life of ME! It isn't that I have that much planned, but more I am ready for the end of the week, a rest, a break from my daily grind. I know, that many of you out there GET THIS.
The countdown continues as I closed the pool down tonight after work for another year. YES - YEAR 2 it all was easier. I am getting into my groove as they say. I don't like it! And, in an instant would have my life back as it was - BUT - so, I continue on. The pool equipment is tucked safely away, the pool cover is on, including a new netting I purchased to 'catch all of the leaves this fall'. Now, lets see if my $90 purchase pays off! I really don't want to scoop rotten old leaves off of the pool cover one more spring.
The high school football game is in progress. I can hear it out my open window. Wow..so many memories of years gone by. I remember when we first moved to Wisconsin, wanting to feel like part of the community and that we went to a highschool football game in Ellsworth, the school district we were part of then. I thought about that night - tonight. How we didn't know very many people, but we went as a family. Sometimes he or I would come up with an idea of something to do, and we would just do it. The other one might just go along with the idea without complaining, even thought my/his heart wasn't there. As we moved to River Falls and all of the highschool games are played at the university football field in our backyard - we first began to just watch parts of the game from our backyard. As the kids became involved in school and in band, we then were active participants.
Always though, Friday nights were fun. The kids were always revved up. Overnights were in progress especially with Abby and her girlfriends. So, many times we had a houseful of kids. A movie might be rented or bought and or food ordered or out to eat somewhere. It signaled the end, celebration of another work week for the Tokheims.
The football season is in full swing. Last weekend, Lance reminded me of that. He was watch the Iowa game on television. As he brought up the subject, I was shocked at how far I felt I had come. Last year, the first game of the season, I had to go to with Ty. I had to sit where Bruce had sat, wanting to be closer to him in some odd way. But now this year, one year later it all seems quite normal for me again. When Bruce was alive, he was sooo absorbed in the sports scene, I just let him be that way. He of course loved that I didn't give him any flack about it. Many a Saturday, he lounged downstairs soaking in his sports while I went about my daily routines, cleaning, nursing jobs, shopping, classes I took - we just went our seperate ways sometimes, especially on Saturdays.
I got to babysit with Avery on Monday. She had a cold over the weekend with a bit of mattery eyes. This mattery eye condition is the bane of a daycare. They absolutely don't want a child in daycare with it. I loved having her here. She is just such a little cutie bug! Avel Bug we call her. She is 19# of pure love! She has a smile that will melt your heart. She is learning to say things, like mama, dada, babee, she points to objects and does this cute little oooohhhh whistle with her mouth. And, most importantly - she knows now when she is doing something wrong! Dropping her cup over the side of the highchair - she will immediately look for my response. Pulling the safety cap out of an outlet, she looks at me and make a noise as she shows me what she has just done. Amazing! This little brain of a child that we sometimes so often take for granted in life. We talk about Grandpa Tokheim to her. I look forward to the day when she is older and really wants to know about him, when she say to me, Grandma, where is Grandpa Bruce? That will be "so cool" - the same as Bruce's words as he felt Wendy's stomach the day he died.
I went to the play,
Tuesday's with Morrieon Wednesday. My friend, Diane, another widow and I went. We knew what it was about. We were ready and prepared for the end, except for a kleenex. If you haven't read the book, if you haven't seen the movie, or the play - please do so. The message that life goes on because we loved someone so much - helps those left here alone, it helps me, it helps Diane deal with our lives as we live them today without the ones we loved.
The 7th Anniversary of 9/11 was Thursday. I emailed Ty, as it was the day he began to work for his dad. I couldn't help but remember that day so vividly, like so many in my life. Ty wrote me back. I read his email while I was at work. I teared up but I didn't cry. He said,
dad would be proud of all of the accomplishments his kids had made in the time that he had been gone. He also said,
what a risk dad took 7 years ago in hiring him.Ty is trying to hire someone and now really realizes what it takes to do that. He said,
'dad just had such limited resources 7 years ago. He had a computer, some companies and a checkbook - yet he hired me! - but then he lived in the moment! 'How true!
This week my parents celebrated their 61st Anniversary. NOW - that is LOVE!
I had the distinct pleasure of spending moments with them a few weeks ago. Dad went to Rochester (in his right mind) and had a cardiovascular consultation done. It was a very positive experience. They were able to roto-rooter out a very calcified nearly blocked cardiac artery and put in a stint in this 83 year old die-hard! We were all nervous if the results would be in our favor. He is now back home, doing what he loves to do, mowing lawn, driving somewhere in his pickup and getting tired from 'working'. Mom of course is nervous again. He seems to have too much energy and worries more when she can't keep her eye on him. Whatever happens to him, he has lived a good and long life. He had the opportunity to tell mom this over and over again while we were in Rochester. Their love is what always I aspired to have with Bruce. I did. Just not for as many years.
And...dad got disoriented again in the hosptital. We were able to get him discharged home a little earlier than expected. And again - he is himself.
Well, since my last entry, I have seen MAMA MIA 4 more times! I am crazy. what can I say? And, even better - for Halloween - you guessed it - I am going to be - one of them - now guess just what one I will be?
Fondly and always,
Deb...
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Mama-Mia, 35 years ...celebrating
I have been to the theater 3 times in the past three weeks to see this movie ...
Mama-Mia..the movie that is based on the songs of ABBA. I love it! Each time I have seen it, I catch more of the words, and love it even more! I am sure, never have I been to a theater to see the same movie three times ever before in my life! So..what is the attraction?
Well, there are great songs, women in their 50's and good looking men! And then there is the scenery, a Greek island - beautiful clear blue water, a rustic charming inn and LOVE - Love between good friends, and love between lovers. How can anyone resist it?
Bruce may have resisted going to this movie, but I know that he would have gone with me and that he would have enjoyed it! (OK, maybe not as much as an OCeans 11 or whatever the number is!, but he would have gone with me!)
He and I had been to see the musical downtown Minneapolis the summer of 2005. I don't remember much except that we were in the back of the long mainfloor auditorium. The songs are really infectious. And as I have listened to the CD I jsut HAD to purchase, I find that the words of these songs are speaking to me. "OUR LAST SUMMER, I can still recall" - yes I remember quite well our last summer - and especially with photos that I have taken, am transported back to that time. Knowing nothing about what lie ahead. Thank GOD. As I watched the movie for the third time, these songs spoke to me - on a different plane. Love, Remembering what we had, wishing we had it still. I mentioned this to my sister-in-law, the last person I saw this movie with. She knew what I was talking about.
Bruce loved to watch movies, at the theater and at home. I always wondered what the big attraction for him was. (besides settling into a horizontal position, relaxing and doing nothing ,sleeping on and off and maybe staying awake until the final credits) I am sure he watched 3 times as many movies or more than I did. Now I really know.I am transported for a moment to another life. Fantasy, wishes, dreams...whatever you want to call it. If something isn't quite right in your life, you seek something more. I can't speak for Bruce, but for me, Mama Mia has fullfilled the cracks that are there, without him. Don't take this wrong, but ... Pierce Brosnan can't sing, but oh...he is so nice to look at!
LOVE - 35 years ago - on August 25 we said
Even though time continues to move forward and my life is going on, my love for Bruce isn't aging for him, it just IS. My friends who are also widows speak of this same feeling. As if, our LOVE was FROZEN IN TIME. And, if per chance our husbands were to walk into the room, we feel we could pick up where we last left off. ODD as it may seem, LOVE is ageless, which makes it eternal in my book.
Tomorrow, I am spending the afternoon with my FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW! Lance proposed to Shayna in the middle of Central Park three weeks ago! A FALL WEDDING is being planned. A good old fashioned low-key-but-fun HARVEST themed outdoor wedding (if weather permits) is in the works. The engagement isn't going to be long. Shayna has her heart set on FALL COLOR...now selecting the exact weekend in October - (yes, you read it right, this October 2008!) is what we have in store for us. I am thrilled to be spending my anniversary weekend helping to plan OUR baby boy's wedding.
Celebrating Good Times has been my theme of the month for August. Last weekend, 50+ friends and family joined me to do just that. The weather was perfect, only one fly decided to be pesky and the full moon lit up the night sky. Yes, Bruce was with each and every one of us as we celebrated our moments with him, without him and life today. Kids swam and stirred up the pool water. A keg didn't get quite emptied, but we did sing some songs with the kareoke. It was good. Thankyou dear ones who were here with me.
Last evening, 9 other widows joined me here at the house for a FRIDAY EVENING SOCIAL. It is our once a month gathering on a Friday night. We ate, drank, laughed and visited. All was good. I gain strength and courage from these women. I pray that I reciprocate in the same way. We talk strange talk, anniversaries of deaths of our our husbands, of standing on the graves of our husbands at someone else's funeral, of deciding what to call ourselves - perhaps SOLO's, or SOLITAIRES, instead of Women Left Behind. (the name I spur-of-the-moment came up with last fall) We talk about what it is like to share a wedding anniverary without our husbands. Love just doesn't go away, it remains.
I feel blessed today.
Loving thoughts being sent out over the internet, and into Heaven to my one and only...wherever that may be! Happy 35th my dear! xo Deb
Mama-Mia..the movie that is based on the songs of ABBA. I love it! Each time I have seen it, I catch more of the words, and love it even more! I am sure, never have I been to a theater to see the same movie three times ever before in my life! So..what is the attraction?
Well, there are great songs, women in their 50's and good looking men! And then there is the scenery, a Greek island - beautiful clear blue water, a rustic charming inn and LOVE - Love between good friends, and love between lovers. How can anyone resist it?
Bruce may have resisted going to this movie, but I know that he would have gone with me and that he would have enjoyed it! (OK, maybe not as much as an OCeans 11 or whatever the number is!, but he would have gone with me!)
He and I had been to see the musical downtown Minneapolis the summer of 2005. I don't remember much except that we were in the back of the long mainfloor auditorium. The songs are really infectious. And as I have listened to the CD I jsut HAD to purchase, I find that the words of these songs are speaking to me. "OUR LAST SUMMER, I can still recall" - yes I remember quite well our last summer - and especially with photos that I have taken, am transported back to that time. Knowing nothing about what lie ahead. Thank GOD. As I watched the movie for the third time, these songs spoke to me - on a different plane. Love, Remembering what we had, wishing we had it still. I mentioned this to my sister-in-law, the last person I saw this movie with. She knew what I was talking about.
Bruce loved to watch movies, at the theater and at home. I always wondered what the big attraction for him was. (besides settling into a horizontal position, relaxing and doing nothing ,sleeping on and off and maybe staying awake until the final credits) I am sure he watched 3 times as many movies or more than I did. Now I really know.I am transported for a moment to another life. Fantasy, wishes, dreams...whatever you want to call it. If something isn't quite right in your life, you seek something more. I can't speak for Bruce, but for me, Mama Mia has fullfilled the cracks that are there, without him. Don't take this wrong, but ... Pierce Brosnan can't sing, but oh...he is so nice to look at!
LOVE - 35 years ago - on August 25 we said
I DOat 2pm on a Saturday in Jesup, Ia.
Even though time continues to move forward and my life is going on, my love for Bruce isn't aging for him, it just IS. My friends who are also widows speak of this same feeling. As if, our LOVE was FROZEN IN TIME. And, if per chance our husbands were to walk into the room, we feel we could pick up where we last left off. ODD as it may seem, LOVE is ageless, which makes it eternal in my book.
Tomorrow, I am spending the afternoon with my FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW! Lance proposed to Shayna in the middle of Central Park three weeks ago! A FALL WEDDING is being planned. A good old fashioned low-key-but-fun HARVEST themed outdoor wedding (if weather permits) is in the works. The engagement isn't going to be long. Shayna has her heart set on FALL COLOR...now selecting the exact weekend in October - (yes, you read it right, this October 2008!) is what we have in store for us. I am thrilled to be spending my anniversary weekend helping to plan OUR baby boy's wedding.
Celebrating Good Times has been my theme of the month for August. Last weekend, 50+ friends and family joined me to do just that. The weather was perfect, only one fly decided to be pesky and the full moon lit up the night sky. Yes, Bruce was with each and every one of us as we celebrated our moments with him, without him and life today. Kids swam and stirred up the pool water. A keg didn't get quite emptied, but we did sing some songs with the kareoke. It was good. Thankyou dear ones who were here with me.
Last evening, 9 other widows joined me here at the house for a FRIDAY EVENING SOCIAL. It is our once a month gathering on a Friday night. We ate, drank, laughed and visited. All was good. I gain strength and courage from these women. I pray that I reciprocate in the same way. We talk strange talk, anniversaries of deaths of our our husbands, of standing on the graves of our husbands at someone else's funeral, of deciding what to call ourselves - perhaps SOLO's, or SOLITAIRES, instead of Women Left Behind. (the name I spur-of-the-moment came up with last fall) We talk about what it is like to share a wedding anniverary without our husbands. Love just doesn't go away, it remains.
I feel blessed today.
Loving thoughts being sent out over the internet, and into Heaven to my one and only...wherever that may be! Happy 35th my dear! xo Deb
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
18 months, Baby steps-14 months, Dads
August 3 - another hurdle, another milestone in my life. I thought of it as I was driving back to WI from IA - alone! My lot in life. I try not to be sad, but sometimes it just happens. No one can help me, it is just the way it is for me and others in my shoes, walking alone not on our choosing.
Yes, it is getting easier. It is just in moments of memories, of remembering of past moments together that sadness creeps in. Especially in a four hour car ride alone that used to be taken with him.
I went to Iowa late on Thursday evening. My father, my dad had had a heart attack. The previous Monday evening, mom had been trying to reach me. She wanted to run by his symptoms with her daughter, the nurse. I went into my work mode as I listened to his symptoms. He had worked outside in the hot humid weather rolling up fence! (this is hard for someone who isn't 83 years old!) Ate a big supper and then developed arm pain in both arms. It didn't sound good. I talked to Dad and told him I thought he needed to go to the hospital and get checked out. Of course, he said "NO". Mom was nervous, but she had given him an aspirin. Calling a nephew, he immediately went to his grandpa's aid. And soon, Dad was in the hospital.
All week long I fretted and worried. I spoke with his nursing staff. He developed a condition called 'sundowner's syndrome'. A form of disorientation in older people when they are taken out of their natural environment. So, by Thursday, the day of the angiogram, he was totally lacking sleep and confused! The angiogram showed 3 vessel involvment. New news for us, but just compounding his already diseased heart. Surgical intervetion is not an option for this fragile but determined and not giving-up-the-ship man. It was suggested he be tranferred by air-ambulance to Mayo. By late afternoon, he was just wanting to get home. He was angry, confused and becoming beligerant. The sandbag used on his angiogram insertion site felt like cement to dad. He couldn't understand in his confused state, why he had to sit in this chair with this bag of cement! He pleaded to go home. And, that is what we, his family wanted for him. We would take our chances with his health and take him home, where in the end, he really wants to be.
I rushed home arriving at 1115pm. My sister from Minneapolis had also just arrived. The night was a long one as dad's brain settled down and he attempted to regain his orientation in his own home. The weekend was spent helping him to remember what he had gone through the week before, along with helping mom and being with family. It was all good. Good to be home, helping them. It just brings up more memories of times gone by. Being alone - without Bruce is still difficult around family.
My brother, Kent and I reminisced about Bruce. His laugh, his loudness and certain memories that came spewing out as we thought of one, and then another instance where Bruce made us laugh. It was good to laugh at memories of him.
Dad hasn't decided yet what he is going to do, other than take it easy and perhaps stay inside when it is hot and humid out. It is hard to keep a all-of-his-life farmer from doing work.
Little Avery took her first steps this week! She demonstrated them to me last night on my visit to her. Out from the kitchen she came, doing her monster walk - arms outstretched in front of her. Each step choreographed - but with a big smile on her face. She is now into pointing at 'this and at that', talking her baby-garble talk! Her brain is clicking at speeds unknown to man as she learns something new every second.
She keeps me grounded and centered. When all else seems to go to pot, I think of her.
Yes, it is getting easier. It is just in moments of memories, of remembering of past moments together that sadness creeps in. Especially in a four hour car ride alone that used to be taken with him.
I went to Iowa late on Thursday evening. My father, my dad had had a heart attack. The previous Monday evening, mom had been trying to reach me. She wanted to run by his symptoms with her daughter, the nurse. I went into my work mode as I listened to his symptoms. He had worked outside in the hot humid weather rolling up fence! (this is hard for someone who isn't 83 years old!) Ate a big supper and then developed arm pain in both arms. It didn't sound good. I talked to Dad and told him I thought he needed to go to the hospital and get checked out. Of course, he said "NO". Mom was nervous, but she had given him an aspirin. Calling a nephew, he immediately went to his grandpa's aid. And soon, Dad was in the hospital.
All week long I fretted and worried. I spoke with his nursing staff. He developed a condition called 'sundowner's syndrome'. A form of disorientation in older people when they are taken out of their natural environment. So, by Thursday, the day of the angiogram, he was totally lacking sleep and confused! The angiogram showed 3 vessel involvment. New news for us, but just compounding his already diseased heart. Surgical intervetion is not an option for this fragile but determined and not giving-up-the-ship man. It was suggested he be tranferred by air-ambulance to Mayo. By late afternoon, he was just wanting to get home. He was angry, confused and becoming beligerant. The sandbag used on his angiogram insertion site felt like cement to dad. He couldn't understand in his confused state, why he had to sit in this chair with this bag of cement! He pleaded to go home. And, that is what we, his family wanted for him. We would take our chances with his health and take him home, where in the end, he really wants to be.
I rushed home arriving at 1115pm. My sister from Minneapolis had also just arrived. The night was a long one as dad's brain settled down and he attempted to regain his orientation in his own home. The weekend was spent helping him to remember what he had gone through the week before, along with helping mom and being with family. It was all good. Good to be home, helping them. It just brings up more memories of times gone by. Being alone - without Bruce is still difficult around family.
My brother, Kent and I reminisced about Bruce. His laugh, his loudness and certain memories that came spewing out as we thought of one, and then another instance where Bruce made us laugh. It was good to laugh at memories of him.
Dad hasn't decided yet what he is going to do, other than take it easy and perhaps stay inside when it is hot and humid out. It is hard to keep a all-of-his-life farmer from doing work.
Little Avery took her first steps this week! She demonstrated them to me last night on my visit to her. Out from the kitchen she came, doing her monster walk - arms outstretched in front of her. Each step choreographed - but with a big smile on her face. She is now into pointing at 'this and at that', talking her baby-garble talk! Her brain is clicking at speeds unknown to man as she learns something new every second.
She keeps me grounded and centered. When all else seems to go to pot, I think of her.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Golden Moments
Yes, the summer is passing and the oats are turning. I noticed it one day last week. I had been keeping an eye on these fields in the early morning drive to Red Wing. First it was just a hint of light yellow powdered amongst the green fields, but then one morning it was as if during the night someone had spray painted these fields a shining gold. They just smiled at me as if to say, "look here, at all of us, we are representing your golden memories" As that thought surfaced, all of a sudden everything else that was the slightest color of yellow or gold popped out. Signs along the highway, the large pumpkin/squash blossoms in the gardens, the sunflowers, marigolds and the sparkle of the sun on the water. There were the yellow stripes in the middle of the highway that became a ribbon much like the in the land of oz, saying "follow me". All of this yellow highlighting reminded me of greeting cards that are all black and white and just one color, usually red or pink is highlighted. I kept thinking to myself, what came first? - my thought to look at everything golden yellow or was something more powerful than my thoughts sending me a visual reality message? I couldn't help smile and feel good and all of a sudden little fleeting memories of years gone by came to mind. Moments in childhood on the farm in summer with my mom, dad and siblings and then the drives through the country side with Bruce and the kids to and from family times together. The one time how I made him keep stopping along the hi-way on one of our family trips out west so I could take snapshots of wild flowers. Abby in one of her little yellow dance costumes at age 4 - and many more golden yellow memories too numerous to mention here. As I drove into Red Wing, this magical drive continued. Yellow signage began to pop-out. It was the large 3-dimensional words that were painted blue on the front of a building that then caught my attention. I wasn't looking at the front of these 3-foot tall letters, but rather the sides that were painted yellow. These two words were "GOOD YEAR". Yes, the tire company! But, to me it was part of this message that I was being given.
It has been a good year. It is sometimes hard for me to admit it. I have survived 18 months alone. No, not really alone, but then again ~ ALONE! There have been numerous good memories. Lots of new friendships have been made. I am getting comfortable in my new skin, my new job and my new chapter of my life.
It is as if I am a sailboat. The sky is blue, the sun is shining and I can see for quite a distance. My white sails are up and the breeze is gently keeping them full. The water is clear blue, I have control of my rudder again and I feel confident that I can captain this ship - my life. Yes, there are waves that topple over me catching me off guard - but, an assurance of "all will be well" it working in my life.
These grief moments, days and months have been sometimes long, painful, and yes very hard. But, I know that they have been necessary.
I want to take my camera out to the country to capture this golden time of summer. I want to photograph this field as the afternoon sun shines acrossed it. I want to take some close-ups of this precious farm commodity. I believe in this time of summer, they are saying -look at us, if God takes care of us, just imagine what more he will do for you?
It has been a good year. It is sometimes hard for me to admit it. I have survived 18 months alone. No, not really alone, but then again ~ ALONE! There have been numerous good memories. Lots of new friendships have been made. I am getting comfortable in my new skin, my new job and my new chapter of my life.
It is as if I am a sailboat. The sky is blue, the sun is shining and I can see for quite a distance. My white sails are up and the breeze is gently keeping them full. The water is clear blue, I have control of my rudder again and I feel confident that I can captain this ship - my life. Yes, there are waves that topple over me catching me off guard - but, an assurance of "all will be well" it working in my life.
These grief moments, days and months have been sometimes long, painful, and yes very hard. But, I know that they have been necessary.
I want to take my camera out to the country to capture this golden time of summer. I want to photograph this field as the afternoon sun shines acrossed it. I want to take some close-ups of this precious farm commodity. I believe in this time of summer, they are saying -look at us, if God takes care of us, just imagine what more he will do for you?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Wishes, Regrets, Music & 35 Years
There are some songs that just bring back a flood of memories and moments. Last night while caring for Matt, one of those moments happened. As Ronnie Milsap sang "Let's take the lonnnng way a-round the world" ...right away - I could hear Bruce singing that song! We had a Ronnie Milsap audio tape that we would play in our car when the kids were little. Bruce loved to sing along, his voice and Ronnie's were much the same. As I listened to the words, I was transported back a few years to our many car rides when that tape would play. I grabbed onto Matt's counter, steadied myself as I felt my heart twirl and a tear form, then I smiled and grabbed a pen to write down the phrases. "...Sharing each other as we go, Let's take the lonnnng way around the world, and let's take it real slow ...cuz,when it is all said and done, all we have is love!"
That is and was so true.
It dawned on me, that this year - 2008, in August we would have been married 35 years! I have been wanting to have an excuse to have a backyard party this summer and am toying with the idea of how to pull it off. Now it seems I have a good excuse, and with that come more reasons to do fun things and to celebrate my life! In fact, I am developing a list of 35 things I want to do before the end of this year! If on December 31, I have to take a pen and paper and sit down before midnight to remember 35 things.... well that is what I will do. (Because, I know I have probably already done that many fun things so far!) Getting together with family and friends will head that list. Maybe one massage will also be on the list! If you really know me, you understand the creative spirit that resides inside this head!
I WILL think of things to do, have no fear!
I have been thinking a lot lately about chapters of our lives that we have found ourselves in. As I have adjusted to being alone, a particular regret keeps popping into my thoughts. This regret is one that I would discuss during conversations with others about how Bruce and I met,our history. It was that I never had the opportunity to live by myself in my own apartment, to have my own car, etc. From high school, to nursing school, to being married - I was never alone. So, in conversations in the past 35 years, there were times, when I would say that there was a certain regret that I had. I felt that maybe I had missed out on some part of life! Learning to be more independent perhaps, learning to make decisions on my own, learning how to deal with plumbers, car salesman, getting a quote for work, whatever the need might be, I felt I had missed an opportunity. If Bruce was nearby during these conversations, he would become a little irritated with me. He felt I was saying in unspoken words that I didn't want to get married when we did. And of course, I wouldn't have changed a thing. So, now my regret and my wish is coming to fruition. I am alone, I am learning the ropes of making decisions on my own. So now, I regret the regret and wish life were different now. But - that isn't the plan for my life!
So,instead - I am marking this as a moving on moment. Thank you God!
Letting go of regrets, little mistakes and big mistakes is important to one's mental health. Somehow, that too has been a reoccurring thought in my head
I have been working very hard to get the swimming pool opened. The odds haven't been in my favor! Cold, rain, and wind have added extra problems. On Wednesday of this week, it was looking almost perfect. So, by myself, I pulled the solar cover on for the first time. Realize that this is a two person job, but can be done by one person. Think about pulling a big blanket up over a pool by yourself! I had decided it was time to begin to turn off the pump at night - and then every morning I would turn it back on, back-wash the sand filter and then go off to work. So, on Thursday morning, I went out to turn on the pump and backwash. I thought I had turned it back to circulate - I left for work. At 5:15pm, my cell phone rings - it is Lance. "mom, were you intending on draining the pool?"...
Frustrated,irritated and upset at the senseless draining of the pool, I tried to rethink my steps of where I had gone wrong that morning. I wanted to take my anger out on someone or something - Bruce, Lance, myself.... When I got home and saw the half empty pool, well... it just didn't seem like that big of a deal. I will just try to make sure it doesn't happen again.
When it is all said and done, all we have is LOVE!
Deb
That is and was so true.
It dawned on me, that this year - 2008, in August we would have been married 35 years! I have been wanting to have an excuse to have a backyard party this summer and am toying with the idea of how to pull it off. Now it seems I have a good excuse, and with that come more reasons to do fun things and to celebrate my life! In fact, I am developing a list of 35 things I want to do before the end of this year! If on December 31, I have to take a pen and paper and sit down before midnight to remember 35 things.... well that is what I will do. (Because, I know I have probably already done that many fun things so far!) Getting together with family and friends will head that list. Maybe one massage will also be on the list! If you really know me, you understand the creative spirit that resides inside this head!
I WILL think of things to do, have no fear!
I have been thinking a lot lately about chapters of our lives that we have found ourselves in. As I have adjusted to being alone, a particular regret keeps popping into my thoughts. This regret is one that I would discuss during conversations with others about how Bruce and I met,our history. It was that I never had the opportunity to live by myself in my own apartment, to have my own car, etc. From high school, to nursing school, to being married - I was never alone. So, in conversations in the past 35 years, there were times, when I would say that there was a certain regret that I had. I felt that maybe I had missed out on some part of life! Learning to be more independent perhaps, learning to make decisions on my own, learning how to deal with plumbers, car salesman, getting a quote for work, whatever the need might be, I felt I had missed an opportunity. If Bruce was nearby during these conversations, he would become a little irritated with me. He felt I was saying in unspoken words that I didn't want to get married when we did. And of course, I wouldn't have changed a thing. So, now my regret and my wish is coming to fruition. I am alone, I am learning the ropes of making decisions on my own. So now, I regret the regret and wish life were different now. But - that isn't the plan for my life!
So,instead - I am marking this as a moving on moment. Thank you God!
Letting go of regrets, little mistakes and big mistakes is important to one's mental health. Somehow, that too has been a reoccurring thought in my head
I have been working very hard to get the swimming pool opened. The odds haven't been in my favor! Cold, rain, and wind have added extra problems. On Wednesday of this week, it was looking almost perfect. So, by myself, I pulled the solar cover on for the first time. Realize that this is a two person job, but can be done by one person. Think about pulling a big blanket up over a pool by yourself! I had decided it was time to begin to turn off the pump at night - and then every morning I would turn it back on, back-wash the sand filter and then go off to work. So, on Thursday morning, I went out to turn on the pump and backwash. I thought I had turned it back to circulate - I left for work. At 5:15pm, my cell phone rings - it is Lance. "mom, were you intending on draining the pool?"...
NO!!I screamed into the phone.
Frustrated,irritated and upset at the senseless draining of the pool, I tried to rethink my steps of where I had gone wrong that morning. I wanted to take my anger out on someone or something - Bruce, Lance, myself.... When I got home and saw the half empty pool, well... it just didn't seem like that big of a deal. I will just try to make sure it doesn't happen again.
When it is all said and done, all we have is LOVE!
Deb
Monday, June 9, 2008
Affirmations
I have had a few signs lately about good things to come! And, ... I am so excited!
Thankyou to those who affirm me, my situation and the road I am on and how far I have come.
It hasn't always been easy.
Today, I was with good friends whom I had not seen for a year. These ladies were also known as
aka = Dance Moms!
Their daughters were in Dance class and competition with my daughter - a few years ago, but we remain in touch, if only once or twice a year.
One mom is happily married, the other is going through a divorce and then there is me.
How appropriate! Three women - similar ages - at different phases of life circumstances.
One - with a husband who loves her
One - without a husband who loved her
One - whose husband isn't sure he loves her
Yet - We are all living and surviving
I have had some recent inspirations that I am excited about.
I am not sure how it will all play out on the big screen.
But for now..
Coming back to this blog was AFFIRMATION.
You see, lately I have been toying with the idea of when to stop blogging.
I still am not sure when that will be
Today - I listened to NPR (national public radio) and one of the commentaries was on the internet and how reaching it is, especially for the upcoming presidential election. This commentary was about Obama and his abiity to reach people. His speech he gave after the Reverand Wright controversy has been viewed on the internet by hundreds of thousands-maybe millions. (now if Bruce were writing this blog, he would have remembered the EXACT number that was quoted earlier today - but ME, I don't remember numbers well!)
Anyway, I am not sure what this really has to do with me, but it is just one of the jig-saw puzzle pieces of my life today - June 9, 2008 - that fits! And, so for now, I will continue to write.
Happy Monday. deb
Thankyou to those who affirm me, my situation and the road I am on and how far I have come.
It hasn't always been easy.
Today, I was with good friends whom I had not seen for a year. These ladies were also known as
aka = Dance Moms!
Their daughters were in Dance class and competition with my daughter - a few years ago, but we remain in touch, if only once or twice a year.
One mom is happily married, the other is going through a divorce and then there is me.
How appropriate! Three women - similar ages - at different phases of life circumstances.
One - with a husband who loves her
One - without a husband who loved her
One - whose husband isn't sure he loves her
Yet - We are all living and surviving
I have had some recent inspirations that I am excited about.
I am not sure how it will all play out on the big screen.
But for now..
Coming back to this blog was AFFIRMATION.
You see, lately I have been toying with the idea of when to stop blogging.
I still am not sure when that will be
Today - I listened to NPR (national public radio) and one of the commentaries was on the internet and how reaching it is, especially for the upcoming presidential election. This commentary was about Obama and his abiity to reach people. His speech he gave after the Reverand Wright controversy has been viewed on the internet by hundreds of thousands-maybe millions. (now if Bruce were writing this blog, he would have remembered the EXACT number that was quoted earlier today - but ME, I don't remember numbers well!)
Anyway, I am not sure what this really has to do with me, but it is just one of the jig-saw puzzle pieces of my life today - June 9, 2008 - that fits! And, so for now, I will continue to write.
Happy Monday. deb
Friday, June 6, 2008
June - AvelBug's 1st Birthday - Counting
I have been trying to teach baby Avery to count 1 - for her first birthday. I will ask her, "How old are you Avery Joy?...then wait and say...1 year old! and hold up my index finger, and help her get her hand into a grip and hold up her index finger. Of course, she has no patience or idea of what this crazy granny is trying to teach her and she doesn't care. But she does smile and she does ignite my heart!
Can it really be ONE year ago? I am blown away by the speed of time these days. I hardly have time to write as you might notice...you out there...nameless...the crowd....the caring souls...who might happen - stance upon this blog and wonder who is this? ...what is this? ...does it affect me?? and how?
Many times when I am talking to women my age whose husbands are still alive - they say to me.. "I can't imagine what you are going through " My pat answer is this - "I don't want you to imagine, I don't want you to think about it, don't ... Don't even give it a thought, don't waste a moment thinking about what is might be like!, but instead - enjoy your moments together and cherish each and every one of them, even the frustrating ones. Because - we... no one...really knows what tomorrow is going to bring! "
Being a optimist most of my life has had it's advantages. I am not a worrier. I don't really get scared about stuff. The closest I get to feeling scared is on an airplane - landing! And then I just say a prayer. I wonder what that moment must be like? That SECOND ...when Life becomes death...HOw dreary this conversation has become. My optimistic viewpoint has now pervaded my thoughts and guess what? That SECOND..................................will be GLORIOUS! I really have no doubts about that.
Bruce told me he wasn't afraid to die. I wasn't sure what he really meant by that. And, we never had an opportunity to fully discuss that statement. But, I too....am not afraid to die. To die is gain........that is written somewhere in the bible.
Now, it is Friday evening. I really still don't like Friday evenings. I called two of my long distance friends on the way home from work, one didn't answer, and I did get to chat with the other. I have decided this is going to become a 'Friday on the way home from work custom' - to talk to my friends that are not near me. I felt crabby all afternoon at work. Rememberances of days gone by, good times, and now - well it is really really different. I too, like many widows don't want to be a pest to their family. I do have to create a life of my own. I thought of all of the things I could do tonight. One being - a trip to the fabric store. I love to look at new fabric and get ideas. I have several projects in the wings - waiting to get completed. I must complete one of them before starting anything else. I went out to work in the yard, cleaned the pool and began to dig. But - I have this neighbor. He is lonely. He is much older than me. He is my father's age. he is a widower. And, when he sees me outside, he comes outside. He wants to talk, to visit, to get a hug. It has become an uncomfortable situation. I do have to break it to him soon. My problem is this - I am too nice! Instead, I avoid him - so that is why I am here now writing. He began to mow, while I was digging out some weeds along my foundation. What a chicken I have become!
I do feel like I have rounded some sort of bend in the road. I feel myself being lighter in spirit, less dragged down by my emotions. I think of Bruce less often throughout the day. Last weekend good friends were here from DesMoines. We went uptown on Friday night to a local bar for burgers and a beer. One of Bruce's very good friends - one of the pall bearers - stopped over to the table and the four of us swapped 'Bruce stories'. It felt good. I didn't get sad, or feel bad, but instead was happy that such good memories abounded in others' thoughts! As we left the bar, my friend suggested we go see Bruce - since we had been talking about him. So...we did! Ten o'clock at night - driving up the cemetary and looking for the green glowing eternal candle, we visited Bruce! Now...for two women to do these antics is nothing, but George I think felt a bit uncomfortable. He was a good sport and went along with us. Bless his heart!
On Memorial Day, I spent time with another woman in my boat. Her husband died in August of 2007. Being just a little behind me on the same path, I have at times held out my hand and said to her, ..."this way....come this way with me"... because there have been other women who are my friends that are ahead of me on the same path showing me the way...saying the same thing to me. We too had decided to do the Cemetary tour. Her husband is in another cemetary in another town. With camera in tow, it is documented! We have spent many moments talking about what we miss about our guys. Their touch, their voice, those moments of knowing what the other one was thinking are now etched in memory instead of reality.
AvelBug has become little Avery Joy's nickname! She has been such a God-send gift for me and for all of us. Watching her grow weekly has been the very best gift. I count myself so blessed to have my family near me. I rode my bike over to their home on her birthday. She gets excited to see me these days and wants to immediately come to me! It is great to feel so wanted. She is working on giving kisses and hugs. Her hugs consist of a head-down, head-butt motion! I have noticed how she is trying to talk, babbling in different tones as she picks up from our conversations. She isn't quite walking but nothing is sacred in her presence these days.
A big moment is about to happen. Abby is moving out for good. At age 28, it is time. Yet, that too has been all part of the grand plan of things. She has found a home in Minnesota, not far away and will begin the next chapter of her life as a resident in Obstetrics and Gynecology. She has been gathering up all of her belongings for the big move. I keep thinking about what I did at age 28. I had been married for 8 years and had two children. We were on our third home! It is at times hard for me to really realize how old my children have become. Having them a part of our lives ... and my life for so long, I sometimes treat them much younger than they are in years! Yet, I am so thankful for all of the moments I have had with my adult children. I feel like it has been a BRIDGE for me. A bridge into my next chapter. I am excited for her and for me. I am looking forward to more decluttering in the house.
On June 3rd, it was 16 months - without him. I do still count. It doesn't take up all of my thoughts. It just is there, on the backburner of my mind.
Well, perhaps now I will venture outside!
Until then........................................................Warm thoughts from my heart to yours! Deb
Can it really be ONE year ago? I am blown away by the speed of time these days. I hardly have time to write as you might notice...you out there...nameless...the crowd....the caring souls...who might happen - stance upon this blog and wonder who is this? ...what is this? ...does it affect me?? and how?
Many times when I am talking to women my age whose husbands are still alive - they say to me.. "I can't imagine what you are going through " My pat answer is this - "I don't want you to imagine, I don't want you to think about it, don't ... Don't even give it a thought, don't waste a moment thinking about what is might be like!, but instead - enjoy your moments together and cherish each and every one of them, even the frustrating ones. Because - we... no one...really knows what tomorrow is going to bring! "
Being a optimist most of my life has had it's advantages. I am not a worrier. I don't really get scared about stuff. The closest I get to feeling scared is on an airplane - landing! And then I just say a prayer. I wonder what that moment must be like? That SECOND ...when Life becomes death...HOw dreary this conversation has become. My optimistic viewpoint has now pervaded my thoughts and guess what? That SECOND..................................will be GLORIOUS! I really have no doubts about that.
Bruce told me he wasn't afraid to die. I wasn't sure what he really meant by that. And, we never had an opportunity to fully discuss that statement. But, I too....am not afraid to die. To die is gain........that is written somewhere in the bible.
Now, it is Friday evening. I really still don't like Friday evenings. I called two of my long distance friends on the way home from work, one didn't answer, and I did get to chat with the other. I have decided this is going to become a 'Friday on the way home from work custom' - to talk to my friends that are not near me. I felt crabby all afternoon at work. Rememberances of days gone by, good times, and now - well it is really really different. I too, like many widows don't want to be a pest to their family. I do have to create a life of my own. I thought of all of the things I could do tonight. One being - a trip to the fabric store. I love to look at new fabric and get ideas. I have several projects in the wings - waiting to get completed. I must complete one of them before starting anything else. I went out to work in the yard, cleaned the pool and began to dig. But - I have this neighbor. He is lonely. He is much older than me. He is my father's age. he is a widower. And, when he sees me outside, he comes outside. He wants to talk, to visit, to get a hug. It has become an uncomfortable situation. I do have to break it to him soon. My problem is this - I am too nice! Instead, I avoid him - so that is why I am here now writing. He began to mow, while I was digging out some weeds along my foundation. What a chicken I have become!
I do feel like I have rounded some sort of bend in the road. I feel myself being lighter in spirit, less dragged down by my emotions. I think of Bruce less often throughout the day. Last weekend good friends were here from DesMoines. We went uptown on Friday night to a local bar for burgers and a beer. One of Bruce's very good friends - one of the pall bearers - stopped over to the table and the four of us swapped 'Bruce stories'. It felt good. I didn't get sad, or feel bad, but instead was happy that such good memories abounded in others' thoughts! As we left the bar, my friend suggested we go see Bruce - since we had been talking about him. So...we did! Ten o'clock at night - driving up the cemetary and looking for the green glowing eternal candle, we visited Bruce! Now...for two women to do these antics is nothing, but George I think felt a bit uncomfortable. He was a good sport and went along with us. Bless his heart!
On Memorial Day, I spent time with another woman in my boat. Her husband died in August of 2007. Being just a little behind me on the same path, I have at times held out my hand and said to her, ..."this way....come this way with me"... because there have been other women who are my friends that are ahead of me on the same path showing me the way...saying the same thing to me. We too had decided to do the Cemetary tour. Her husband is in another cemetary in another town. With camera in tow, it is documented! We have spent many moments talking about what we miss about our guys. Their touch, their voice, those moments of knowing what the other one was thinking are now etched in memory instead of reality.
AvelBug has become little Avery Joy's nickname! She has been such a God-send gift for me and for all of us. Watching her grow weekly has been the very best gift. I count myself so blessed to have my family near me. I rode my bike over to their home on her birthday. She gets excited to see me these days and wants to immediately come to me! It is great to feel so wanted. She is working on giving kisses and hugs. Her hugs consist of a head-down, head-butt motion! I have noticed how she is trying to talk, babbling in different tones as she picks up from our conversations. She isn't quite walking but nothing is sacred in her presence these days.
A big moment is about to happen. Abby is moving out for good. At age 28, it is time. Yet, that too has been all part of the grand plan of things. She has found a home in Minnesota, not far away and will begin the next chapter of her life as a resident in Obstetrics and Gynecology. She has been gathering up all of her belongings for the big move. I keep thinking about what I did at age 28. I had been married for 8 years and had two children. We were on our third home! It is at times hard for me to really realize how old my children have become. Having them a part of our lives ... and my life for so long, I sometimes treat them much younger than they are in years! Yet, I am so thankful for all of the moments I have had with my adult children. I feel like it has been a BRIDGE for me. A bridge into my next chapter. I am excited for her and for me. I am looking forward to more decluttering in the house.
On June 3rd, it was 16 months - without him. I do still count. It doesn't take up all of my thoughts. It just is there, on the backburner of my mind.
Well, perhaps now I will venture outside!
Until then........................................................Warm thoughts from my heart to yours! Deb
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Signs - Life Goes On - Thrilled
Signing in to this blog today, confirms that Life is going on. It seems that the month has been flying by before my eyes and therefore - time and energy have been at a premium. I take this as a good sign. My life is going on in some sort of fashion regardless of my lot in life. My lot in life? What is it? Sometimes I see myself envying those around me for one reason or another. Yet, in many conversations with the kids recently - we all agree - even though we still don't like it - that this is our lot in life. To go on living without a father, husband and grandfather.
A significant achievement happened last weekend. Our daughter Abby graduated from Medical school. I was a proud mother hen! It was obvious to all of us celebrating - the gaping empty space, voice, and laugh that would have filled the room! The four hour car trip to Madison was spent with Abby. We chatted about all sorts of stuff including this which was on both of our minds. I found myself choking up just briefly throughout the weekend. Another sign - that Life is going on! You see, I wasn't blubbering or actively crying, just a tear in the corner of my eye and a twinge in my heart. My entire family, including all of my siblings and my folks, plus Bruce's two siblings all turned out for this occasion. It was such a sign to me of just how much I have to be grateful for. A family that truly cares and supports one another in times of celebration is such a blessing!
I have found myself getting farther and farther behind in day to day things. Part of it has to do with me working full time. And now, with warm weather finally here - I am behind in yard work, opening the pool and spring cleaning stuff too. It gets to me. I was born a Schutte, aka "hard worker", but there is a limit in my age to stop, rest and leave it. The messes I see throughout, inside and outside of the home do bother me, I just can't do it all these days. This too, I see as a sign, I am not sure it is progress, but it is OK to leave things undone. I don't get all twitted out like I used to. Poor Bruce, he did have to put up with my twitting at times!! But, he survived the twitting that I did. And he learned to pitch in, and at times, even to ignore the twitting. And I learned the same- to ignore his ignorances. It is OK not to finish everything everyday. But instead to be at peace with yourself and your lot in life.
It is now Memorial Day Eve. It is the second eve of such distinction! Can it possibly be? I remember last year, feeling so raw, so wanting all of the kids to come with me to the cemetary on this seemingly important day to honor the dead. They didn't. I went by myself. I lived through it. I have hired out someone to make up a planter and water it every week. I stopped by the cemetary today to check out this planter. It looks good. I am pleased since I failed at that last year. The plant died and I felt miserable. She also said she will keep the stone clean. It was dirty today. Maybe in the morning I will take out a cloth and wipe it off. OK....yes, this might be twitting! .... I plan to make up a bouquet of flowers from the yard. Some of the tulips that we got when we went to Switzerland are blooming, they are a beautiful peachy orange, it is such an 'IN' color this year! We were in the airport in Amsterdam, and I had to buy these tulip bulbs. He loved them the first year they bloomed. His last spring! The lilac bush out back is in bloom. They too will be included.
I dug in the dirt yesterday. It felt good to do this. I transplanted hostas and cleaned out flowerbeds. I talked to myself. I talked to Bruce. I do that alot still. If he were still here, he would have been at the office on a Saturday morning, and then coming home about noon. He would have been in and out, helping, watching me, trying not to help, and usually announcing he was going to watch 'something' on t.v. about 1pm! His way of telling me, he was done for the afternoon. He loved Saturday afternoons. He napped on Saturday afternoons. I worked. I didn't mind that he napped. He was home. He was here. That is what I still miss.
Lance was an usher at a good friend's wedding yesterday afternoon and I was invited. It was just down at the ampitheater at the University. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful outdoor wedding. Almost all of Lance's friends were there. These guys are the nicest guys. Several of them approached me, hugged me and actually looked after me throughout the evening. They even inviting me to sit with them at the reception. One guy in particular went above and beyond! He didn't have to do it but he did. Our retired minister did the service. It felt like the good old days, except that Bruce wasn't sitting next to me. Many times when we would go to church or to a wedding, we would reach for each other, holding hands for a time during the ceremony, I missed that yesterday. ( was it me that always initiated this or did he do it too? now I wonder....) This couple is really in love. You see it in their eyes. You see how they are with one another. I connected with them, I had been in their shoes once. It wasn't a lavish wedding, it was elegantly simple. Tears welled in my eyes during their ceremony. I thought of my love! I thought of my wedding day. I thought of days gone by. I rubbed my ring that has our initials in it. I looked at the sky, the leaves that were blowing in the warm breeze. It was good. Life goes on, in another generation.
On our way home from Madison last weekend, I had the pleasure of spending it with Lance, my youngest son. With his girlfriend in the back seat taking a nap, and he as my co-pilot we chatted most of the way home. He was a good sport. I am sure he would have rather been in the back seat taking the nap! You see, I had asked him to read a book I had just finished. He and I do that often. He will tell me that he wants me to read a book and I usually do. So, I was thrilled, that he and I are on the same wave length about this topic. He had started it and was enjoying the read. We spent a good amount of time in discussion of life and death, creation and the everafter. We really didn't talk about Bruce. But yet, we did.
Friday, I checked my email over lunch and saw that a good friend of mine from Colorado has started a blog. She mentioned me, and this blog. And it has caused her to begin her own. I am thrilled to be a part of this communication endeavor. To inspire others with words, that might create feelings - good feelings I hope, so that a tomorrow will be a better tomorrow. And that perhaps a thought might linger on your back burner of your mind, and one day connect with another thought - and just maybe an answer to prayer, to existance, to love, to life will have happened. Who knows? Deep thoughts. Signs that Life is going on.
Today, I cared for my other main man - Matt. We spent the afternoon together. It felt good to spend the day chatting, visiting about whatever he wanted to talk about. A storm was rolling through the twin cities and western Wisconsin. The sirens went off several times. His two weather radio alarmed. He doesn't like storms. He can't control his life, and he definitely can't control storms. He got to spend his afternoon up in his wheelchair. He begged me not to put him back to bed at 6pm. And I wilted. He needs to have control. He needs to live his life with quality and humane treatment. Sometimes in nursing, decisions have to be made that are in the best benefit of the patient. He told me with his special speaking device, "I am SOOOOOOOO happy!" I know, when the next nurse does put him to bed, he will be sopped - so what!! He enjoyed his Sunday afternoon and early evening. and for just a bit, he was in control. He was thrilled and so was I!
SIGNS ------ Life is Going On!
A significant achievement happened last weekend. Our daughter Abby graduated from Medical school. I was a proud mother hen! It was obvious to all of us celebrating - the gaping empty space, voice, and laugh that would have filled the room! The four hour car trip to Madison was spent with Abby. We chatted about all sorts of stuff including this which was on both of our minds. I found myself choking up just briefly throughout the weekend. Another sign - that Life is going on! You see, I wasn't blubbering or actively crying, just a tear in the corner of my eye and a twinge in my heart. My entire family, including all of my siblings and my folks, plus Bruce's two siblings all turned out for this occasion. It was such a sign to me of just how much I have to be grateful for. A family that truly cares and supports one another in times of celebration is such a blessing!
I have found myself getting farther and farther behind in day to day things. Part of it has to do with me working full time. And now, with warm weather finally here - I am behind in yard work, opening the pool and spring cleaning stuff too. It gets to me. I was born a Schutte, aka "hard worker", but there is a limit in my age to stop, rest and leave it. The messes I see throughout, inside and outside of the home do bother me, I just can't do it all these days. This too, I see as a sign, I am not sure it is progress, but it is OK to leave things undone. I don't get all twitted out like I used to. Poor Bruce, he did have to put up with my twitting at times!! But, he survived the twitting that I did. And he learned to pitch in, and at times, even to ignore the twitting. And I learned the same- to ignore his ignorances. It is OK not to finish everything everyday. But instead to be at peace with yourself and your lot in life.
It is now Memorial Day Eve. It is the second eve of such distinction! Can it possibly be? I remember last year, feeling so raw, so wanting all of the kids to come with me to the cemetary on this seemingly important day to honor the dead. They didn't. I went by myself. I lived through it. I have hired out someone to make up a planter and water it every week. I stopped by the cemetary today to check out this planter. It looks good. I am pleased since I failed at that last year. The plant died and I felt miserable. She also said she will keep the stone clean. It was dirty today. Maybe in the morning I will take out a cloth and wipe it off. OK....yes, this might be twitting! .... I plan to make up a bouquet of flowers from the yard. Some of the tulips that we got when we went to Switzerland are blooming, they are a beautiful peachy orange, it is such an 'IN' color this year! We were in the airport in Amsterdam, and I had to buy these tulip bulbs. He loved them the first year they bloomed. His last spring! The lilac bush out back is in bloom. They too will be included.
I dug in the dirt yesterday. It felt good to do this. I transplanted hostas and cleaned out flowerbeds. I talked to myself. I talked to Bruce. I do that alot still. If he were still here, he would have been at the office on a Saturday morning, and then coming home about noon. He would have been in and out, helping, watching me, trying not to help, and usually announcing he was going to watch 'something' on t.v. about 1pm! His way of telling me, he was done for the afternoon. He loved Saturday afternoons. He napped on Saturday afternoons. I worked. I didn't mind that he napped. He was home. He was here. That is what I still miss.
Lance was an usher at a good friend's wedding yesterday afternoon and I was invited. It was just down at the ampitheater at the University. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful outdoor wedding. Almost all of Lance's friends were there. These guys are the nicest guys. Several of them approached me, hugged me and actually looked after me throughout the evening. They even inviting me to sit with them at the reception. One guy in particular went above and beyond! He didn't have to do it but he did. Our retired minister did the service. It felt like the good old days, except that Bruce wasn't sitting next to me. Many times when we would go to church or to a wedding, we would reach for each other, holding hands for a time during the ceremony, I missed that yesterday. ( was it me that always initiated this or did he do it too? now I wonder....) This couple is really in love. You see it in their eyes. You see how they are with one another. I connected with them, I had been in their shoes once. It wasn't a lavish wedding, it was elegantly simple. Tears welled in my eyes during their ceremony. I thought of my love! I thought of my wedding day. I thought of days gone by. I rubbed my ring that has our initials in it. I looked at the sky, the leaves that were blowing in the warm breeze. It was good. Life goes on, in another generation.
On our way home from Madison last weekend, I had the pleasure of spending it with Lance, my youngest son. With his girlfriend in the back seat taking a nap, and he as my co-pilot we chatted most of the way home. He was a good sport. I am sure he would have rather been in the back seat taking the nap! You see, I had asked him to read a book I had just finished. He and I do that often. He will tell me that he wants me to read a book and I usually do. So, I was thrilled, that he and I are on the same wave length about this topic. He had started it and was enjoying the read. We spent a good amount of time in discussion of life and death, creation and the everafter. We really didn't talk about Bruce. But yet, we did.
Friday, I checked my email over lunch and saw that a good friend of mine from Colorado has started a blog. She mentioned me, and this blog. And it has caused her to begin her own. I am thrilled to be a part of this communication endeavor. To inspire others with words, that might create feelings - good feelings I hope, so that a tomorrow will be a better tomorrow. And that perhaps a thought might linger on your back burner of your mind, and one day connect with another thought - and just maybe an answer to prayer, to existance, to love, to life will have happened. Who knows? Deep thoughts. Signs that Life is going on.
Today, I cared for my other main man - Matt. We spent the afternoon together. It felt good to spend the day chatting, visiting about whatever he wanted to talk about. A storm was rolling through the twin cities and western Wisconsin. The sirens went off several times. His two weather radio alarmed. He doesn't like storms. He can't control his life, and he definitely can't control storms. He got to spend his afternoon up in his wheelchair. He begged me not to put him back to bed at 6pm. And I wilted. He needs to have control. He needs to live his life with quality and humane treatment. Sometimes in nursing, decisions have to be made that are in the best benefit of the patient. He told me with his special speaking device, "I am SOOOOOOOO happy!" I know, when the next nurse does put him to bed, he will be sopped - so what!! He enjoyed his Sunday afternoon and early evening. and for just a bit, he was in control. He was thrilled and so was I!
SIGNS ------ Life is Going On!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Browns & Greens, Growing & Moving
The colors of brown and green have been capturing my attention for days and maybe months now. I have been yearning to see green outside. And, finally yes - it is happening! The brown landscape - dull from winter is changing too - and so it has been that I spend moments and minutes thinking about colors. I am getting ready to make a change in the house. It is the first time since Bruce has died that I have felt like doing something different major that is. Oh, yes...my furniture moving has continued but painting a wall or two is now invoking action in my thoughts. The family room where Bruce spent more time in, than any other room in our home, is about to get a makeover. I still haven't figured out just what I am going to do exactly, but it is going to be using the colors of brown and green after an inspiration one day while driving to work through the country side. Green was Bruce's favorite color, and for me it represents newness, growth and life! Excitement is brewing, the paint chips are taped on the walls and soon, I hope to get started on this little project.
Lots of things are growing right now! It is exciting to watch all of nature's little miracles happening. Outside my window at work is a young tree. I am not sure what kind, but right now the flowers that form - or whatever the preleaf blossom is called is changing in appearance day by day! Even with the high winds and rains we have had lately, these fragile appearing adornments held on with all of their might! And, as I look across to the horizon - green is blushing the landscape. Maybe this week, leaves will push their way out! I ask myself; Am I weird that I spend so much time observing nature?
I don't know, I just know that right now - it is impressing my soul.
My little baby girl grand-daughter is growing and changing daily. She isn't turning green, but she is making huge strides in the baby world. She has discovered how to sit from a lying position, how to crawl on all fours, how to pull her self up to standing and how to say mama and dada and how to wave bye-bye and shake her head no! She is noticing beyond her little sphere - as she looks out the window, now she sees beyond to the other side of the street! We take so much for granted in our life times. The first year of a child's life is filled with such amazing moments of growth and wonderment! To be an observer of this time again, it brings back memories of being a young mom. My own children in watching Avery ask me, "Did I do that?" "Do you remember this about me, mom?" Somewhere in my memory are bits and pieces of each of their younger days. I wish now that I would have journalled more back then. It seems that written words help jog memory storage capacities in older brains!
This spring, I have felt little bits of changes in myself of MOVING forward in my life. Some days, I resist the tugging to change, to grow. I know it is about becoming, being me. Each of us, no matter what we have gone through in the past year, continue to change to grow to move forward. For some, like myself ... it feels different, uneasy, foreign. It feels as if we have abandoned our old self and our mate who no longer exists except in our memories. This sense of abandonment produces guilt. Learning to accept who we are, our lot we have been given in this life and then believing in ourselves enough that we have no choice but to continue to be moving in a forward direction - takes time! And, so it that I am noticing that I am moving forward - on most days that is.
Yesterday, I helped my oldest son, Ty and his wife Wendy move. They purchased a wonderful family home not far from me. This entire moving experience brought back more memories of all of the moves that Bruce and I had made. We moved from our own homes into the dorms where we met. Then into married student housing, then to DesMoines, Marion, and Missouri Valley, Iowa before moving to Wisconsin in 1986. One more move to our present location took place in 1989. My parents were there to help us each time we moved! As many of those memories popped to the surface of my mind yesterday; sadness would follow. Missing him again! I brought it up to Ty - my feeling that is, "dad would have liked to have been here". The previous owners of this new home were moving out the last remains as we were moving in. They were good friends of ours. He told me, he wasn't sure but in thinking back he felt it was Bruce who had suggested that their home would make a good home for Ty and Wendy. That little remark cemented the deal in my heart. Bruce WAS there with us. Verging on tears on and off throughout the day isn't always a bad thing. It just is a reminder to me of the constant and undying love that remains.
Last evening, I went out to dinner with three of my friends. All of us are widows. We agreed that our conversations are different and feel uncomfortable to others. Only another widow or widower would understand some of our thoughts, feelings and actions! As we drove past the cemetery where three of our husbands lie, I suggested we show Diane "where the boys are"! It was really meant to be a joke, but Diane said she wanted to, and the others laughed and said why not! A U-TURN was made, and so in the dark 10pm of night, we slowly make our way up to the row where 'the boys are' and turning the car just right and flipping on the high-beams, we sat in the car and talked about the guys. Laughing, we agreed that they were probably looking down on us at our crazy antics!
Moving, growing, brown is turning to green again!
Deb
Lots of things are growing right now! It is exciting to watch all of nature's little miracles happening. Outside my window at work is a young tree. I am not sure what kind, but right now the flowers that form - or whatever the preleaf blossom is called is changing in appearance day by day! Even with the high winds and rains we have had lately, these fragile appearing adornments held on with all of their might! And, as I look across to the horizon - green is blushing the landscape. Maybe this week, leaves will push their way out! I ask myself; Am I weird that I spend so much time observing nature?
I don't know, I just know that right now - it is impressing my soul.
My little baby girl grand-daughter is growing and changing daily. She isn't turning green, but she is making huge strides in the baby world. She has discovered how to sit from a lying position, how to crawl on all fours, how to pull her self up to standing and how to say mama and dada and how to wave bye-bye and shake her head no! She is noticing beyond her little sphere - as she looks out the window, now she sees beyond to the other side of the street! We take so much for granted in our life times. The first year of a child's life is filled with such amazing moments of growth and wonderment! To be an observer of this time again, it brings back memories of being a young mom. My own children in watching Avery ask me, "Did I do that?" "Do you remember this about me, mom?" Somewhere in my memory are bits and pieces of each of their younger days. I wish now that I would have journalled more back then. It seems that written words help jog memory storage capacities in older brains!
This spring, I have felt little bits of changes in myself of MOVING forward in my life. Some days, I resist the tugging to change, to grow. I know it is about becoming, being me. Each of us, no matter what we have gone through in the past year, continue to change to grow to move forward. For some, like myself ... it feels different, uneasy, foreign. It feels as if we have abandoned our old self and our mate who no longer exists except in our memories. This sense of abandonment produces guilt. Learning to accept who we are, our lot we have been given in this life and then believing in ourselves enough that we have no choice but to continue to be moving in a forward direction - takes time! And, so it that I am noticing that I am moving forward - on most days that is.
Yesterday, I helped my oldest son, Ty and his wife Wendy move. They purchased a wonderful family home not far from me. This entire moving experience brought back more memories of all of the moves that Bruce and I had made. We moved from our own homes into the dorms where we met. Then into married student housing, then to DesMoines, Marion, and Missouri Valley, Iowa before moving to Wisconsin in 1986. One more move to our present location took place in 1989. My parents were there to help us each time we moved! As many of those memories popped to the surface of my mind yesterday; sadness would follow. Missing him again! I brought it up to Ty - my feeling that is, "dad would have liked to have been here". The previous owners of this new home were moving out the last remains as we were moving in. They were good friends of ours. He told me, he wasn't sure but in thinking back he felt it was Bruce who had suggested that their home would make a good home for Ty and Wendy. That little remark cemented the deal in my heart. Bruce WAS there with us. Verging on tears on and off throughout the day isn't always a bad thing. It just is a reminder to me of the constant and undying love that remains.
Last evening, I went out to dinner with three of my friends. All of us are widows. We agreed that our conversations are different and feel uncomfortable to others. Only another widow or widower would understand some of our thoughts, feelings and actions! As we drove past the cemetery where three of our husbands lie, I suggested we show Diane "where the boys are"! It was really meant to be a joke, but Diane said she wanted to, and the others laughed and said why not! A U-TURN was made, and so in the dark 10pm of night, we slowly make our way up to the row where 'the boys are' and turning the car just right and flipping on the high-beams, we sat in the car and talked about the guys. Laughing, we agreed that they were probably looking down on us at our crazy antics!
Moving, growing, brown is turning to green again!
Deb
Thursday, April 3, 2008
14 Months - oooh-MA-mee
Today is the third! Last night, I thought was the third. Perhaps this is progress in grief. Thoughts continue to swirl and twirl inside my head and at moments seem conglomerated into fuzz, gunk, junk, unessential mindless goo!
Yet, there is progress, forward momentum and SPRING.... Yes! Spring may have arrived in Wisconsin and elsewhere.
For me, it is the SECOND SPRING, already ... dos .. number TWO... without... him! That makes me sad. As March 21 arrived, I felt this overwhelming sadness (which has now passed). I remembered other Springs, the excitement WE had. The cold was over and green was on it's way. Bruce always got excited! Like a kid in a candy store, his excitement over whatever was so contagious to those around him. He wasn't built to handle winters, especially cold-harsh-below-zero winters! So, the Spring for him and for me was always such a welcoming sight. I am excited to see if OUR pair of mallard ducks return to OUR pool cover that is filled with ice...it is beginning to melt around the edges.
OUR is such a sad word to Widows! Moving from OURS to MINE may take me YEARS! This is a warning to all of my dearest and beloved family and friends. Love doesn't stop when someone dies. I was thinking about this on my walk tonight. How, perhaps..the grief one feels is because in HEAVEN there is no grief. Perhaps, when a couple love one another so much...almost would walk to the ends of the earth for one another...perhaps the grief the living partner feels is not only mine, but his as well. With that thought comes some relief in my sad moments I still feel.
I wish there were just all happy days! That would be good. Never to look back, never to be sad, never to feel remorse, regret, guilt, loss... BUT - personally I don't believe that is what I (IN BOLD) am made of. My core is made of soft, mushy, marshmallow, sweet, moments of love, of happy times and I am so grateful that I am who I am! Oh...I have my faults. And, I will be the first to admit them! But, in the end, I love me, and I LOVED HIM!
One week ago tonight, at this exact moment ~ give or take a few minutes, I was arriving in Texas ~ the warm sunny evening greeted me, my brother and sister-in-law and their friends as we arrived in Harlingen for the weekend. I was there ...because I had planned to drive my 83 year old parents home to Iowa. Kent and Lynn and friends were there to have a good time! Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful time.
Any time spent with family is a blessing. Mom and Dad greeted us at the airport to help haul us all back to the BIG HOUSE. The nick-name for the winter home that my two brothers co-own. It is a fun place to go. With pool, hot-tub and 6 bedrooms, a reunion could almost be held there!
I hadn't seen mom and dad since Christmas. It was wonderful to spend such quality time with them. Even if 22 hours of that time was spent with me, behind the wheel of their beautiful cherry-red Cadillac driving them home to Jesup, Ia. The time in Texas was short and sweet. That was OK with me. The break was nice, the weather fantastic...and me - being who I am - a caretaker - loved helping mom and dad close down their winter bungalow and help them re-open them beautiful Earth home. This opening and closing included cleaning kitchen cupboards of expired food. Now, I plan to do the same at my own home. MY MA-MA has always been called MOM. She has a heart of gold. She will never say a bad word about her children. She loves us to pieces. Her boys hold special areas of her heart just for them! Her eyes light up with excitement when she talks about those boys! And, her girls...she loves. It is as if she has complete confidence in each one of us! She doesn't worry about her girls. She doesn't need to. She taught each one of us well.
My dad's health has been deteriorating for an entire year. Between Bruce's death and the Fall of 2007 - Dad took a tumble health-wise. His heart has not been well for years, and I do wonder if Bruce's death had some impact. In fact, I know it did. Dad's words to me, were, "It should have been me, not him!" My folks celebrated their 60Th Anniversary in September of 2007. This almost unbelievable accomplishment for MOST couples was a breeze for mom and dad. Yet, dad was worried he wouldn't see this momentous occasion. MIND over Matter is so so important. He survived. He celebrated. He even went to Texas for the winter again. But....HE was so excited to get back home this past Sunday. To his roots, to his chair, to his fireplace! He said to me, more than one time on the way home. "I thought I would be coming home from Texas in a box!" I have been blessed by GOD so much in my lifetime. One of my greatest blessings has been that I have had my mom and my dad all of these years. Still having the ability to make decisions and communicate to me their thoughts, their love, their memories. My 5 days off from work - was fantastic. A real vacation. Even if I drove 22 hours.
I was reading the Food Section of the St Paul Paper tonight and UMAMI is a Japanese word. It is pronounced as the title sounds. I love the word. It means DELICIOUS- YUMMY!It is the 5Th TASTE...beyond sour, sweet, salty and bitter. It is what elicits memories of wonderful food. It is found a lot in MEAT...especially when browned. Or in onions, that are caramelized. And, in cheese. It is also found in soy sauce, chicken soup! All of these are my favorites YUMMY foods! There is really an area of the tongue that distinguishes this taste. And, that brings me back to MOM...she can brown a pork roast like no-bodies business and then slow-cook this meat until tender and still moist. She is a fantastic cook. I was fortunate enough to have some of her cooking this week.
Moments are passing, months are moving. I want to get to the cemetery to plant some perennials this year. My thought was to walk there this evening, but I didn't. Perhaps, I will make it there this weekend, either by foot or by car. I just still miss him! I wish at times the emotions werent' so great. Lance and I had a talk a few weeks back. He told me he too, misses him and not a day goes by that he doesn't think about him. Yet, these thoughts don't bring him back. Nothing will ever! I know that all of the kids feel this way. We just don't say it. Sometimes, I just need to hear it. My gut feelings keep me going in bad days and good. Thursday evenings seem to be the day I feel the closest to sharing my thoughts on my subject. My loss, my life, my moments of slowly, ever so slowly moving forward.
Dad wanted me to write about a couple of old, very old photos that are near and dear to him. One photo is of him and his two brothers. Taken in 1947 when his youngest brother was home on leave from the Navy. Dad was already out of the army, but put on his uniform and had his taken with his two brothers in front of the family car. A HUDSON? Year, I don't recall.
The next photo was of the steam engine and thrashing machine he remember so well from his childhood. His father, my grandpa owned the steam engine. He wanted me to write up a little blurb for a centennial book that is being put together. He wants to submit these photos. He said, "Deb, you can write about anything!" I took that as a compliment. But, yes...I can write about
anything!
Enjoy your Thursday evening. My glass of wine has two sips left. I plan to cherish them now.
Deb
Yet, there is progress, forward momentum and SPRING.... Yes! Spring may have arrived in Wisconsin and elsewhere.
For me, it is the SECOND SPRING, already ... dos .. number TWO... without... him! That makes me sad. As March 21 arrived, I felt this overwhelming sadness (which has now passed). I remembered other Springs, the excitement WE had. The cold was over and green was on it's way. Bruce always got excited! Like a kid in a candy store, his excitement over whatever was so contagious to those around him. He wasn't built to handle winters, especially cold-harsh-below-zero winters! So, the Spring for him and for me was always such a welcoming sight. I am excited to see if OUR pair of mallard ducks return to OUR pool cover that is filled with ice...it is beginning to melt around the edges.
OUR is such a sad word to Widows! Moving from OURS to MINE may take me YEARS! This is a warning to all of my dearest and beloved family and friends. Love doesn't stop when someone dies. I was thinking about this on my walk tonight. How, perhaps..the grief one feels is because in HEAVEN there is no grief. Perhaps, when a couple love one another so much...almost would walk to the ends of the earth for one another...perhaps the grief the living partner feels is not only mine, but his as well. With that thought comes some relief in my sad moments I still feel.
I wish there were just all happy days! That would be good. Never to look back, never to be sad, never to feel remorse, regret, guilt, loss... BUT - personally I don't believe that is what I (IN BOLD) am made of. My core is made of soft, mushy, marshmallow, sweet, moments of love, of happy times and I am so grateful that I am who I am! Oh...I have my faults. And, I will be the first to admit them! But, in the end, I love me, and I LOVED HIM!
One week ago tonight, at this exact moment ~ give or take a few minutes, I was arriving in Texas ~ the warm sunny evening greeted me, my brother and sister-in-law and their friends as we arrived in Harlingen for the weekend. I was there ...because I had planned to drive my 83 year old parents home to Iowa. Kent and Lynn and friends were there to have a good time! Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful time.
Any time spent with family is a blessing. Mom and Dad greeted us at the airport to help haul us all back to the BIG HOUSE. The nick-name for the winter home that my two brothers co-own. It is a fun place to go. With pool, hot-tub and 6 bedrooms, a reunion could almost be held there!
I hadn't seen mom and dad since Christmas. It was wonderful to spend such quality time with them. Even if 22 hours of that time was spent with me, behind the wheel of their beautiful cherry-red Cadillac driving them home to Jesup, Ia. The time in Texas was short and sweet. That was OK with me. The break was nice, the weather fantastic...and me - being who I am - a caretaker - loved helping mom and dad close down their winter bungalow and help them re-open them beautiful Earth home. This opening and closing included cleaning kitchen cupboards of expired food. Now, I plan to do the same at my own home. MY MA-MA has always been called MOM. She has a heart of gold. She will never say a bad word about her children. She loves us to pieces. Her boys hold special areas of her heart just for them! Her eyes light up with excitement when she talks about those boys! And, her girls...she loves. It is as if she has complete confidence in each one of us! She doesn't worry about her girls. She doesn't need to. She taught each one of us well.
My dad's health has been deteriorating for an entire year. Between Bruce's death and the Fall of 2007 - Dad took a tumble health-wise. His heart has not been well for years, and I do wonder if Bruce's death had some impact. In fact, I know it did. Dad's words to me, were, "It should have been me, not him!" My folks celebrated their 60Th Anniversary in September of 2007. This almost unbelievable accomplishment for MOST couples was a breeze for mom and dad. Yet, dad was worried he wouldn't see this momentous occasion. MIND over Matter is so so important. He survived. He celebrated. He even went to Texas for the winter again. But....HE was so excited to get back home this past Sunday. To his roots, to his chair, to his fireplace! He said to me, more than one time on the way home. "I thought I would be coming home from Texas in a box!" I have been blessed by GOD so much in my lifetime. One of my greatest blessings has been that I have had my mom and my dad all of these years. Still having the ability to make decisions and communicate to me their thoughts, their love, their memories. My 5 days off from work - was fantastic. A real vacation. Even if I drove 22 hours.
oooh- MA - mee!
I was reading the Food Section of the St Paul Paper tonight and UMAMI is a Japanese word. It is pronounced as the title sounds. I love the word. It means DELICIOUS- YUMMY!It is the 5Th TASTE...beyond sour, sweet, salty and bitter. It is what elicits memories of wonderful food. It is found a lot in MEAT...especially when browned. Or in onions, that are caramelized. And, in cheese. It is also found in soy sauce, chicken soup! All of these are my favorites YUMMY foods! There is really an area of the tongue that distinguishes this taste. And, that brings me back to MOM...she can brown a pork roast like no-bodies business and then slow-cook this meat until tender and still moist. She is a fantastic cook. I was fortunate enough to have some of her cooking this week.
Moments are passing, months are moving. I want to get to the cemetery to plant some perennials this year. My thought was to walk there this evening, but I didn't. Perhaps, I will make it there this weekend, either by foot or by car. I just still miss him! I wish at times the emotions werent' so great. Lance and I had a talk a few weeks back. He told me he too, misses him and not a day goes by that he doesn't think about him. Yet, these thoughts don't bring him back. Nothing will ever! I know that all of the kids feel this way. We just don't say it. Sometimes, I just need to hear it. My gut feelings keep me going in bad days and good. Thursday evenings seem to be the day I feel the closest to sharing my thoughts on my subject. My loss, my life, my moments of slowly, ever so slowly moving forward.
Dad wanted me to write about a couple of old, very old photos that are near and dear to him. One photo is of him and his two brothers. Taken in 1947 when his youngest brother was home on leave from the Navy. Dad was already out of the army, but put on his uniform and had his taken with his two brothers in front of the family car. A HUDSON? Year, I don't recall.
The next photo was of the steam engine and thrashing machine he remember so well from his childhood. His father, my grandpa owned the steam engine. He wanted me to write up a little blurb for a centennial book that is being put together. He wants to submit these photos. He said, "Deb, you can write about anything!" I took that as a compliment. But, yes...I can write about
anything!
Enjoy your Thursday evening. My glass of wine has two sips left. I plan to cherish them now.
Deb
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The Ring
I saw it in a magazine over my lunch hour one day. I saw the design that made sense to me. It is one of those moments you all have had. That you knew, without question, without another thought of comtemplation or worry, that this was what you wanted.
It was a picture of a ring, a very wide band, the style looked old and burnished, and on it was adorned large letters that were scrolled in an old style font.
"Yes", I thought to myself, "this is what I want to do".
You see, Questions that begin to haunt WIDOWS at one time or another center around THE RING! - Should I wear my wedding ring? Of course I will wear my wedding ring, I am still married.... I still feel that way after 13 months, married that is. Although I am technically no longer married, but widowed, my wedding band had now become my PROTECTOR. In a store, or unfamiliar setting, I don't want to be seen as 'available', 'a catch', and not yet... and not sure when if ever -SINGLE. I want to be unseen. I have found I am not alone in this dilemma of the ring or the uncomfortable feeling widowhood brings.
In our little group of local women that we have formed - all widows that is - this topic has come up. Some wear their husband's ring around their neck on a chain, some wear it on their finger, as I did - especially when hand sizes were similar and then again, some have made a heart shaped pendent out of them. Others have, after a few years, stuck their wedding rings in their jewelry box, waiting for the day - when it will be divided up amongst their survivors - perhaps noted specifically in a will - perhaps not, just there in the jewelry box amongst the other pieces that once would have represented a Life.
My hand moved as quickly as my eye had seen it and sent the message to my brain, whereby my brain signaled my hand to tear out this photo. I taped it on the front page of my planner. And there it sat for a few weeks. One day over my lunch, I made a trip downtown Red Wing to a jeweler. I had asked co-workers if there was a good jeweler in town. And, I found out, there was. One that designs engagement rings and had also turned the husband's wedding ring into the heart-shaped pendant. I took with me THREE RINGS. Two matching bands that I had purchased several years ago,along with the gold band I gave Bruce for his 50th birthday.
This ring saga has been going on since the Fall of 1973. Bruce had lost his original wedding band in the first 6 months of being married. It was too big, it needed to be sized down. We hadn't done that yet, and somehow, somewhere - he always thought it was somewhere between our Married Student Housing Apartment on the bike path to school. The details are vague now. Did we ever go look for it? Did he go look for it and waited to 'break the news' to me? I just don't remember. All I know is...for years he didn't have a ring.
I had tried to replace it one Christmas about two kids into the marriage. I spent $250.00 on this ring with a little speck of a diamond in the center that was embellished with either white gold or silver to enhance this tiny sparkling center. Over the years, we had many laughs about this 'chintzy ring' I had bought. It sounded tinny if he would take it off and bounce it on the table. You almost needed a magnifier to see the diamond. What can I say? I did the best I could at the time.
So, after we moved to Wisconsin, I tried again. One day, while Lance was in preschool, I bopped over to Red Wing. I was in a jewelry store just window shopping, and asked about a set of wedding bands that caught my eye. That is what I would do, I would get us matching wedding bands. I would wear this band to 'work'. As a nurse, making beds all day long, and always catching my diamond on the springs. (yes, at one time, hospitals had real springs and nurses really made beds!) This purchase too, was a decision made without more processing required. I don't remember, but I must have given it to him for a wedding anniversary or perhaps a Christmas gift. Anyway, like a diligent husband he began wearing the new wedding band and moved his 'chintzy ring' to his right hand.
As the years passed by, my unimpressive attempts to replace his original wedding band faded. That is, until his 50th Birthday. Early in 2002, Bruce made the statement, "I am celebrating my 50th Birthdy in Las Vegas, and if anyone wants to join me you are welcome!" This defined Bruce. He too, knew what he wanted and sometimes when he wanted it, no more discussion, period! He had announced his wishes and we all followed suit. But...what was I going to get him? Nothing seemed fitting for him, except to remake an exact replica of his original wedding band. So, that is what I had done. Perhaps the third time would be the charm?
On December 2, 2001, in his favorite restaurant in the MGM GRAND HOTEL, along with my folks and I believe my sister and her husband, I gave him his gift. Along with the ring was a list of the 50 THINGS I LOVED MOST ABOUT HIM. ( I found this list in his office desk drawer after he died!)
Bruce would talk about getting a RUBY RING! The way he would say RUBY RING was with such excitement and enthusiasm! His eyes would sparkle and the two words flew off of his tongue making it seem like it was reallyjust one word, ROOBEERING! The reason he wanted a RUBY RING was because his Grandpa V. had had one. Many times over the years, he shared the story about going to Clear Lake, IA with his grandpa. His granpa was fishing and cast out his line and the ring flew off his finger. He sent Bruce into find it. Bruce wasn't a good swimmer, but he found his grandpa's ring. It was as if, he was a hero! Now, in hindsight, this one time childhood memory held huge significance to this grown man! Whenever we were out and about looking at jewelry, he'd bring up this ruby ring story and how, he would love to have a ruby ring just like his grandpa V's! In the spring of 2003, Bruce won a Carribean Cruise with an insurance company. And so it was, he finally go his RUBY RING. It is a beautiful ring. It has rubies and diamonds on it. I found that he would only wear it for 'good occassions'. I think he feared he would lose it also. Now, in telling this story, it must be a familial thing, these tiny fingers and rings flying off of them!
The jeweler approached the counter when he saw me - the only customer in the store -walking toward him. He glanced at the little silk bag I took out of my purse. Inside of it, were the matching wedding bands and the gold wedding band I had had made for his 50th birthday. In broken sentences mixed with tears, I asked him if he could perhaps make me a ring like the picture on the paper I held in my hand. 'You see, my husband died a year ago, I would like to have one like this picture made. Do you think it can be done?" This gracious man whom I had never met before, gingerly took these three rings and examined them and weighed them. He thought it was a great idea.( but then again, what else would he say?")
He called a few weeks ago and told me it was ready. I went down and picked it up. As I saw the ring for the first time, I tried not to cry, but I did anyway. I love it. It is big and wide and gold, it has our intitials on it... B R T and D G T separated by a two vertical rows of three teeny tiny specks of diamonds that were in the matching bands. These two vertical rows of three diamonds represent the 3 3 years we were married as one. Living on in my memories will be all the laughter and love that combined to make our life what it was together. All symbolized by this : THE RING.
It was a picture of a ring, a very wide band, the style looked old and burnished, and on it was adorned large letters that were scrolled in an old style font.
"Yes", I thought to myself, "this is what I want to do".
You see, Questions that begin to haunt WIDOWS at one time or another center around THE RING! - Should I wear my wedding ring? Of course I will wear my wedding ring, I am still married.... I still feel that way after 13 months, married that is. Although I am technically no longer married, but widowed, my wedding band had now become my PROTECTOR. In a store, or unfamiliar setting, I don't want to be seen as 'available', 'a catch', and not yet... and not sure when if ever -SINGLE. I want to be unseen. I have found I am not alone in this dilemma of the ring or the uncomfortable feeling widowhood brings.
In our little group of local women that we have formed - all widows that is - this topic has come up. Some wear their husband's ring around their neck on a chain, some wear it on their finger, as I did - especially when hand sizes were similar and then again, some have made a heart shaped pendent out of them. Others have, after a few years, stuck their wedding rings in their jewelry box, waiting for the day - when it will be divided up amongst their survivors - perhaps noted specifically in a will - perhaps not, just there in the jewelry box amongst the other pieces that once would have represented a Life.
My hand moved as quickly as my eye had seen it and sent the message to my brain, whereby my brain signaled my hand to tear out this photo. I taped it on the front page of my planner. And there it sat for a few weeks. One day over my lunch, I made a trip downtown Red Wing to a jeweler. I had asked co-workers if there was a good jeweler in town. And, I found out, there was. One that designs engagement rings and had also turned the husband's wedding ring into the heart-shaped pendant. I took with me THREE RINGS. Two matching bands that I had purchased several years ago,along with the gold band I gave Bruce for his 50th birthday.
This ring saga has been going on since the Fall of 1973. Bruce had lost his original wedding band in the first 6 months of being married. It was too big, it needed to be sized down. We hadn't done that yet, and somehow, somewhere - he always thought it was somewhere between our Married Student Housing Apartment on the bike path to school. The details are vague now. Did we ever go look for it? Did he go look for it and waited to 'break the news' to me? I just don't remember. All I know is...for years he didn't have a ring.
I had tried to replace it one Christmas about two kids into the marriage. I spent $250.00 on this ring with a little speck of a diamond in the center that was embellished with either white gold or silver to enhance this tiny sparkling center. Over the years, we had many laughs about this 'chintzy ring' I had bought. It sounded tinny if he would take it off and bounce it on the table. You almost needed a magnifier to see the diamond. What can I say? I did the best I could at the time.
So, after we moved to Wisconsin, I tried again. One day, while Lance was in preschool, I bopped over to Red Wing. I was in a jewelry store just window shopping, and asked about a set of wedding bands that caught my eye. That is what I would do, I would get us matching wedding bands. I would wear this band to 'work'. As a nurse, making beds all day long, and always catching my diamond on the springs. (yes, at one time, hospitals had real springs and nurses really made beds!) This purchase too, was a decision made without more processing required. I don't remember, but I must have given it to him for a wedding anniversary or perhaps a Christmas gift. Anyway, like a diligent husband he began wearing the new wedding band and moved his 'chintzy ring' to his right hand.
As the years passed by, my unimpressive attempts to replace his original wedding band faded. That is, until his 50th Birthday. Early in 2002, Bruce made the statement, "I am celebrating my 50th Birthdy in Las Vegas, and if anyone wants to join me you are welcome!" This defined Bruce. He too, knew what he wanted and sometimes when he wanted it, no more discussion, period! He had announced his wishes and we all followed suit. But...what was I going to get him? Nothing seemed fitting for him, except to remake an exact replica of his original wedding band. So, that is what I had done. Perhaps the third time would be the charm?
On December 2, 2001, in his favorite restaurant in the MGM GRAND HOTEL, along with my folks and I believe my sister and her husband, I gave him his gift. Along with the ring was a list of the 50 THINGS I LOVED MOST ABOUT HIM. ( I found this list in his office desk drawer after he died!)
Bruce would talk about getting a RUBY RING! The way he would say RUBY RING was with such excitement and enthusiasm! His eyes would sparkle and the two words flew off of his tongue making it seem like it was reallyjust one word, ROOBEERING! The reason he wanted a RUBY RING was because his Grandpa V. had had one. Many times over the years, he shared the story about going to Clear Lake, IA with his grandpa. His granpa was fishing and cast out his line and the ring flew off his finger. He sent Bruce into find it. Bruce wasn't a good swimmer, but he found his grandpa's ring. It was as if, he was a hero! Now, in hindsight, this one time childhood memory held huge significance to this grown man! Whenever we were out and about looking at jewelry, he'd bring up this ruby ring story and how, he would love to have a ruby ring just like his grandpa V's! In the spring of 2003, Bruce won a Carribean Cruise with an insurance company. And so it was, he finally go his RUBY RING. It is a beautiful ring. It has rubies and diamonds on it. I found that he would only wear it for 'good occassions'. I think he feared he would lose it also. Now, in telling this story, it must be a familial thing, these tiny fingers and rings flying off of them!
The jeweler approached the counter when he saw me - the only customer in the store -walking toward him. He glanced at the little silk bag I took out of my purse. Inside of it, were the matching wedding bands and the gold wedding band I had had made for his 50th birthday. In broken sentences mixed with tears, I asked him if he could perhaps make me a ring like the picture on the paper I held in my hand. 'You see, my husband died a year ago, I would like to have one like this picture made. Do you think it can be done?" This gracious man whom I had never met before, gingerly took these three rings and examined them and weighed them. He thought it was a great idea.( but then again, what else would he say?")
He called a few weeks ago and told me it was ready. I went down and picked it up. As I saw the ring for the first time, I tried not to cry, but I did anyway. I love it. It is big and wide and gold, it has our intitials on it... B R T and D G T separated by a two vertical rows of three teeny tiny specks of diamonds that were in the matching bands. These two vertical rows of three diamonds represent the 3 3 years we were married as one. Living on in my memories will be all the laughter and love that combined to make our life what it was together. All symbolized by this : THE RING.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Creeping into March
I find myself spending more minutes that move into hours on words and meaning and trying to figure out what LIFE IS ALL ABOUT through these odd thoughts that creep into my conscious. Does everyone do this? OR..... am I really really odd and just admit it? You .... out there ..... beyond the keyboard?
Well, whatever the case! Here goes! from Creeping into March
March has arrived, cold, white, and let's now just get to the end of this month.
Our baby, our Lance, was born on March 1. It happened on his due date! That was early for a change, the other two had been beyond their due date. I worked that evening at the local hosptial, deciding at the last minute to pick up the Sunday shift, since I figured I would be late with this one too. I remember being very busy and having 10+patients that night. Something that is unheard of today. Many patients wanting all sorts of extra TLC ....the stuff nursing was made of back in 1982! I remember washing a woman's hair, and giving all of these backrubs. I remember my own back aching and my large, no - VERY LARGE BELLY - contracting. And, only as I sat down to chart at 10:30 pm, did it dawn on me, that I could not concentrate. I then realized I was in labor. I went home, took a bath hoping to relax, and get some sleep. I was beat! Bruce was in dream land. I couldn't sleep. I woke him up at 2am, we left for the hospital. My good friend Christy, the same one who came to care for Bruce, came to care for our children that night. That is call the "circle of life"! Well, Lance was born at 5:08am the next morning. He came out crying, his beautiful carrot red hair and cute little sweet face immediatly melted my heart! He still charms me 26 years later. This memory of his birth - our last child is a good one. AS Bruce would have said, "he's a keeper".
And, that rhymes with Creeper.
My new little one in my life - celebrated 9 months on this earth this month. And with that, the ability to CREEP. Not crawl, but the army method of creeping low to the ground! What fun it has been to watch Avery Joy creep! Saturday evening, we spent more minutes than all of us will admit just watching her! What fun these first babies are to their families. Not only can she creep, but she stand proud! O.k. yes, she is up next to something, but loves every minute doing it. She is little, but she is mighty! I just wonder who she takes after???
Could it be her mom?
I am counting down these days in March. I am marking time, standing still marching as we did in band so many years ago. Waiting for this month to move...into Spring. I am tired of the snow, I am tired of shoveling my drive. I am tired of being half cold all of the time. I am tired of a dirty car. Just how did our ancestors do it? What made them want to move to this COLD CLIMATE? I give them praise for their hearty souls. But, were they thinking??
As March arrived, I felt myself relieved that FEBRUARY was once again over. The relief that I feel is like a weight off of my shoulders. The dread of moments, of memories and what seems like a lifetime ago. My brother, the widower of 11 years told me, "it takes about 13-14 months". He asked me today, do I feel better? Yes, I do. Will it last? I don't know. But for now, I am better.
My salvation still rests in my quiet private moments mostly in my car. A fantastic sunrise surprised me one morning. Out of my doom and gloom existance rose the morning light. As it rose to the east, the clouds broke above and below the sun. This thin line of clouds that ran horizontally to the earth for miles and miles stood still as the morning rays burst up and sprayed the earth below with golden light. It looked like a cross, no an ANGEL, it looked like how I wanted it to look. I just believe it was meant only for me. That moment was a gift from Heaven. God knows me very well, Bruce knows me very well. They know what will trip my trigger. In some moments of March, my life feels good. It fills with meaning and purpose and rightness.
All of this nonsensical talk isn't black and white, it is so gray. Yet, it isn't rocket science. It just is. Just as the moon is, the eclipse was. What must our ancestors have thought? Way back before science, before internet, before newspapers, before understanding? I believe they thought much like me. Something much grander and bigger than lil ole me is in charge. Perhaps they too, were given a gift of a morning sunrise that brought them to tears. That is what they saw, that is what drew them to their somewhere. That thought will keep me marching on.
Well, whatever the case! Here goes! from Creeping into March
March has arrived, cold, white, and let's now just get to the end of this month.
Our baby, our Lance, was born on March 1. It happened on his due date! That was early for a change, the other two had been beyond their due date. I worked that evening at the local hosptial, deciding at the last minute to pick up the Sunday shift, since I figured I would be late with this one too. I remember being very busy and having 10+patients that night. Something that is unheard of today. Many patients wanting all sorts of extra TLC ....the stuff nursing was made of back in 1982! I remember washing a woman's hair, and giving all of these backrubs. I remember my own back aching and my large, no - VERY LARGE BELLY - contracting. And, only as I sat down to chart at 10:30 pm, did it dawn on me, that I could not concentrate. I then realized I was in labor. I went home, took a bath hoping to relax, and get some sleep. I was beat! Bruce was in dream land. I couldn't sleep. I woke him up at 2am, we left for the hospital. My good friend Christy, the same one who came to care for Bruce, came to care for our children that night. That is call the "circle of life"! Well, Lance was born at 5:08am the next morning. He came out crying, his beautiful carrot red hair and cute little sweet face immediatly melted my heart! He still charms me 26 years later. This memory of his birth - our last child is a good one. AS Bruce would have said, "he's a keeper".
And, that rhymes with Creeper.
My new little one in my life - celebrated 9 months on this earth this month. And with that, the ability to CREEP. Not crawl, but the army method of creeping low to the ground! What fun it has been to watch Avery Joy creep! Saturday evening, we spent more minutes than all of us will admit just watching her! What fun these first babies are to their families. Not only can she creep, but she stand proud! O.k. yes, she is up next to something, but loves every minute doing it. She is little, but she is mighty! I just wonder who she takes after???
Could it be her mom?
I am counting down these days in March. I am marking time, standing still marching as we did in band so many years ago. Waiting for this month to move...into Spring. I am tired of the snow, I am tired of shoveling my drive. I am tired of being half cold all of the time. I am tired of a dirty car. Just how did our ancestors do it? What made them want to move to this COLD CLIMATE? I give them praise for their hearty souls. But, were they thinking??
As March arrived, I felt myself relieved that FEBRUARY was once again over. The relief that I feel is like a weight off of my shoulders. The dread of moments, of memories and what seems like a lifetime ago. My brother, the widower of 11 years told me, "it takes about 13-14 months". He asked me today, do I feel better? Yes, I do. Will it last? I don't know. But for now, I am better.
My salvation still rests in my quiet private moments mostly in my car. A fantastic sunrise surprised me one morning. Out of my doom and gloom existance rose the morning light. As it rose to the east, the clouds broke above and below the sun. This thin line of clouds that ran horizontally to the earth for miles and miles stood still as the morning rays burst up and sprayed the earth below with golden light. It looked like a cross, no an ANGEL, it looked like how I wanted it to look. I just believe it was meant only for me. That moment was a gift from Heaven. God knows me very well, Bruce knows me very well. They know what will trip my trigger. In some moments of March, my life feels good. It fills with meaning and purpose and rightness.
All of this nonsensical talk isn't black and white, it is so gray. Yet, it isn't rocket science. It just is. Just as the moon is, the eclipse was. What must our ancestors have thought? Way back before science, before internet, before newspapers, before understanding? I believe they thought much like me. Something much grander and bigger than lil ole me is in charge. Perhaps they too, were given a gift of a morning sunrise that brought them to tears. That is what they saw, that is what drew them to their somewhere. That thought will keep me marching on.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Why? ..............Is this a TEST?
Do you ever wonder why you feel like you are getting the brunt of life? Do you ever feel like your life sucks royally? Like, what did I do to deserve this? Today?
Oh, I know that I do have half of what is coming to me in the world. But, sometimes, it just seems unfair.
Today was over the top in unfairness. I am still reeling - the emotinal rollercoaster has been activated. Lately, family and life and situations beyond my control have caused me to feel suffocated with emotion. I don't have my better/other half that I could come home and unload on, with or to. OH .....................How I miss that!
This day at work was a hard one. It started out rough and ended rough and lots of rough in-between. I went to work holding my emotions together with the glue of guts! I have no choice. It just was one of those days. Too much stuff that I can't control, want to voice - but can't! So...then the work day begins. I pray on my way to work that I will not break down. The day was a busy one, lots of sick people out there, influenza has hit big-time!
I find myself thinking more and more about what I exactly do. I help people figure out what is wrong with them. I have begun to realize that I failed at this with my own husband. I have at my fingertips oodles of information I could have looked up about his symptoms. Did I ever? NO! Not until he was diagnosed. I wonder WHY? WHY didn't I try to intervene? So, now here I am on a daily basis figuring out just how sick someone is, and then advising them they either need to make an appointment today, go to the ER or Urgent care, etc.. Many times it is the wife calling in to talk about her husband and share his symptoms with me. Many times he is right there with her. I am getting in the habit of asking to talk to the patient directly.
Yesterday, this happened. I asked if I could speak to him. He had been having some sort of shortness of breath after shoveling snow! I asked if he had taken any of his nitroglycerine he had ordered that I was saw on his chart as I reviewed his meds. He said, "no, but I do have it in the pickup in case I need it!" After he and I visited, I told him what I thought he should do. I advised him to go to the Emergency Room now! and I said something like this,
So, here I am helping other people every minute of the day, live a better life! And, yet, I didn't do that for my own husband. How do I reconcile that with myself?
Shortly after I started working there, I found out a co-worker is LIVING with lung cancer. After Christmas, she and I had the opportunity to get to know one another a little bit better. We have had some conversations about her diagnosis. She, recently had been asking me pointed questions about Bruce's diagnosis. Today, we found out her cancer has spread. Everyone is devastated. I, barely know her, but yet, I wonder WHY? Why - a co-worker with cancer - is this a test?
I am not sure I am up for any testing these days!
Tonight, I am like one of those lost sheep that needs a Shephard with a big HOOK, bringing me back into the fold. Romans 8:26-27 I read this morning at 5:30 am, funny how it was telling me then - when I am weak and don't know how to pray, that GOD KNOWS MY SORROWS and the Spirit is there for me and will do my praying for me.
just exactly what I would need to hear and remember by this evening!
The many ironies in my life are not coincidental. Romans 8:28 - affirms that for me.
blogging tonight is like singing the blues
Tomorrow, the sun will come out, bet your bottom dollar!
Oh, I know that I do have half of what is coming to me in the world. But, sometimes, it just seems unfair.
Today was over the top in unfairness. I am still reeling - the emotinal rollercoaster has been activated. Lately, family and life and situations beyond my control have caused me to feel suffocated with emotion. I don't have my better/other half that I could come home and unload on, with or to. OH .....................How I miss that!
This day at work was a hard one. It started out rough and ended rough and lots of rough in-between. I went to work holding my emotions together with the glue of guts! I have no choice. It just was one of those days. Too much stuff that I can't control, want to voice - but can't! So...then the work day begins. I pray on my way to work that I will not break down. The day was a busy one, lots of sick people out there, influenza has hit big-time!
I find myself thinking more and more about what I exactly do. I help people figure out what is wrong with them. I have begun to realize that I failed at this with my own husband. I have at my fingertips oodles of information I could have looked up about his symptoms. Did I ever? NO! Not until he was diagnosed. I wonder WHY? WHY didn't I try to intervene? So, now here I am on a daily basis figuring out just how sick someone is, and then advising them they either need to make an appointment today, go to the ER or Urgent care, etc.. Many times it is the wife calling in to talk about her husband and share his symptoms with me. Many times he is right there with her. I am getting in the habit of asking to talk to the patient directly.
Yesterday, this happened. I asked if I could speak to him. He had been having some sort of shortness of breath after shoveling snow! I asked if he had taken any of his nitroglycerine he had ordered that I was saw on his chart as I reviewed his meds. He said, "no, but I do have it in the pickup in case I need it!" After he and I visited, I told him what I thought he should do. I advised him to go to the Emergency Room now! and I said something like this,
the reason why I am advising you to go is because ............, "You are 61 yrs of age, you have already had 2 stints put in your heart, you have been having symptoms for over 5 days, and you only have one life!" " And" , I added, "if you were my husband I would want you to go!"After an hour, I checked the Emergency Room schedule and he was there! Mission accomplished, another husband saved! Just not my own!
So, here I am helping other people every minute of the day, live a better life! And, yet, I didn't do that for my own husband. How do I reconcile that with myself?
Shortly after I started working there, I found out a co-worker is LIVING with lung cancer. After Christmas, she and I had the opportunity to get to know one another a little bit better. We have had some conversations about her diagnosis. She, recently had been asking me pointed questions about Bruce's diagnosis. Today, we found out her cancer has spread. Everyone is devastated. I, barely know her, but yet, I wonder WHY? Why - a co-worker with cancer - is this a test?
I am not sure I am up for any testing these days!
Tonight, I am like one of those lost sheep that needs a Shephard with a big HOOK, bringing me back into the fold. Romans 8:26-27 I read this morning at 5:30 am, funny how it was telling me then - when I am weak and don't know how to pray, that GOD KNOWS MY SORROWS and the Spirit is there for me and will do my praying for me.
just exactly what I would need to hear and remember by this evening!
The many ironies in my life are not coincidental. Romans 8:28 - affirms that for me.
We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose.
blogging tonight is like singing the blues
Tomorrow, the sun will come out, bet your bottom dollar!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Second Valentines Day
On the way home from work, I thought about tomorrow. I have been thinking about it all week. It has been there on the front burner and then the back burner of my mind. Slowly simmering. This month, I have consciously been wearing all of the jewelry that Bruce had gotten me over the years. One of the first nice necklaces I received was a gold heart with diamonds along one side. I do love it and enjoy wearing it particularly in February. He got the drift soon after the first jewelry gift to me - so from there on out for several years, I received some very nice pieces of jewelry. They aren't large diamonds but little gemstones! And... they fit my personality perfectly.
Today while at work, as I was taking my lunch break, a new co-worker friend stopped to visit with me. Sarah asked me how I was doing? I told her I thought I had finally gotten used to my new job and that I do feel part of the team now. blah, blah, blah. Then she asked me, "how are you doing otherwise?". In the three months that I have been working full-time, I have had little side conversations with some of these nurses. Some of them know 'my story'. Sarah is one of them. So, back to our conversation, I said..."well, it is an up and down process" then I got misty-eyed - she noticed and said just what I needed to hear the day before Valentines Day. She said, "Deb, you must have loved him so much!" I nodded, not wanting to cry or breakdown. I said, "I did - for 34 mostly wonderful years!" She then said, "you know, you are very lucky! ... and went on to say... "not all of us have had that." Then, I was struck with all of these memories of how he was such a character - how he was so to the point, said whatever, however in his manner of speaking. never really was he worried one little bit if he might offend someone! I don't know "her story" - not yet anyway, but one day soon I will as we do plan to go for lunch together. I showed her a few silly photos I carry in my purse. Sarah said, "he looks like he was such a good guy!" My heart did a flip with her comment. I thanked her for asking. I told her, it really means a lot to me when people ask, it shows they really care. I told her how just in the past few days, I have received e-mails, phone calls, and even a letter came yesterday - all of them mention, even after one year - how much EVERYONE misses him! My sister, Nancy sent me a card with a photo of Bruce and I from about 1987! It is taken out in front of a farm house we rented when we first moved to WI. WE are standing on our front porch and I have my arms wrapped tightly around his waist, I am wearing a red top, he is in blue, we both are smiling, he has this silly grin on his face, and I am exuding love - even while wearing these very large framed glasses that cover half of my face!
Another dear friend of ours wrote:
Tonight,on my way home from Red Wing after I started to think about Valentines Day - everything that was RED began to POP-OUT at me. The car in front of me, the red barns and buildings on the dirty/winter landscape..tail-lights in my rearview mirror, a real-estate sign - Red is my favorite color. I love to wear red.
LOVE IS being asked to go to a movie or out to eat by one of my children.
LOVE IS watching Abby in the kitchen whip up something to eat.
LOVE IS having any conversation about current events or just stuff with the kids.
LOVE IS Ty saying to me "hows my mama?" and giving me his little hug or rubbing my neck as I am out in the kitchen.
LOVE IS being able to console my new granddaughter when she become frightened.
LOVE IS getting her to laugh out loud, smell her babyfresh head and hold her tight.
LOVE IS caring for 'my other main man - Matt' He is like one of my own kids!
LOVE IS LUANN - Bruce's sister. The way she looks over the top of her glasses and grins! Her laugh, her high fives, her wet kisses!
LOVE IS getting a call and/or spending moements with my siblings and their families.
LOVE IS hearing my dad's voice on the other end of the phone.
LOVE IS hearing my mom's voice, and her little ticklish cough she gets when we gab too long.
LOVE IS playing games with the family.
LOVE is watching my children with their significant others be so happy.
LOVE IS all of the wonderful extended family and friends that keep demonstrating day in and day out how important they are in my life.
LOVE IS remembering my life with the man I loved! All parts of it.
What does your LOVE IS list look like? Tell that someone you care so much for - that you love them more today than you did yesterday and that you will love them more tomorrow than today.
In the end, I had 50 days with Bruce to tell him exactly that sentence above. I wasted time prior to the end. We both did. I don't believe in spending every moment of every waking day with the one I love. But, I could have done better. He could have done better - but, we didn't.
Lesson over for today.
And ... EAT SOMETHING SWEET tomorrow ......
WITH LOVE, DEB
Today while at work, as I was taking my lunch break, a new co-worker friend stopped to visit with me. Sarah asked me how I was doing? I told her I thought I had finally gotten used to my new job and that I do feel part of the team now. blah, blah, blah. Then she asked me, "how are you doing otherwise?". In the three months that I have been working full-time, I have had little side conversations with some of these nurses. Some of them know 'my story'. Sarah is one of them. So, back to our conversation, I said..."well, it is an up and down process" then I got misty-eyed - she noticed and said just what I needed to hear the day before Valentines Day. She said, "Deb, you must have loved him so much!" I nodded, not wanting to cry or breakdown. I said, "I did - for 34 mostly wonderful years!" She then said, "you know, you are very lucky! ... and went on to say... "not all of us have had that." Then, I was struck with all of these memories of how he was such a character - how he was so to the point, said whatever, however in his manner of speaking. never really was he worried one little bit if he might offend someone! I don't know "her story" - not yet anyway, but one day soon I will as we do plan to go for lunch together. I showed her a few silly photos I carry in my purse. Sarah said, "he looks like he was such a good guy!" My heart did a flip with her comment. I thanked her for asking. I told her, it really means a lot to me when people ask, it shows they really care. I told her how just in the past few days, I have received e-mails, phone calls, and even a letter came yesterday - all of them mention, even after one year - how much EVERYONE misses him! My sister, Nancy sent me a card with a photo of Bruce and I from about 1987! It is taken out in front of a farm house we rented when we first moved to WI. WE are standing on our front porch and I have my arms wrapped tightly around his waist, I am wearing a red top, he is in blue, we both are smiling, he has this silly grin on his face, and I am exuding love - even while wearing these very large framed glasses that cover half of my face!
Another dear friend of ours wrote:
I can't tell you how often I think of him and of you. I can't talk or think about him that I don't tear up!
Tonight,on my way home from Red Wing after I started to think about Valentines Day - everything that was RED began to POP-OUT at me. The car in front of me, the red barns and buildings on the dirty/winter landscape..tail-lights in my rearview mirror, a real-estate sign - Red is my favorite color. I love to wear red.
LOVE IS being asked to go to a movie or out to eat by one of my children.
LOVE IS watching Abby in the kitchen whip up something to eat.
LOVE IS having any conversation about current events or just stuff with the kids.
LOVE IS Ty saying to me "hows my mama?" and giving me his little hug or rubbing my neck as I am out in the kitchen.
LOVE IS being able to console my new granddaughter when she become frightened.
LOVE IS getting her to laugh out loud, smell her babyfresh head and hold her tight.
LOVE IS caring for 'my other main man - Matt' He is like one of my own kids!
LOVE IS LUANN - Bruce's sister. The way she looks over the top of her glasses and grins! Her laugh, her high fives, her wet kisses!
LOVE IS getting a call and/or spending moements with my siblings and their families.
LOVE IS hearing my dad's voice on the other end of the phone.
LOVE IS hearing my mom's voice, and her little ticklish cough she gets when we gab too long.
LOVE IS playing games with the family.
LOVE is watching my children with their significant others be so happy.
LOVE IS all of the wonderful extended family and friends that keep demonstrating day in and day out how important they are in my life.
LOVE IS remembering my life with the man I loved! All parts of it.
What does your LOVE IS list look like? Tell that someone you care so much for - that you love them more today than you did yesterday and that you will love them more tomorrow than today.
In the end, I had 50 days with Bruce to tell him exactly that sentence above. I wasted time prior to the end. We both did. I don't believe in spending every moment of every waking day with the one I love. But, I could have done better. He could have done better - but, we didn't.
Lesson over for today.
And ... EAT SOMETHING SWEET tomorrow ......
WITH LOVE, DEB
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)