A Rough Ride through Death Valley

Like an old cowboy who is out wranglin for a month, sittin on the back of some old horse, that is how I feel these days! The ride is rough and the terrain is very treacherous, this Valley of Grief I am in right now. Every day has been a new day. It starts out with a beautiful sunrise as I head out to work. But, by the end of the day - this old lady is tired and sore; my bones aren't achin, it is heart that has taken a toll throughout the day.

I know what is bothering me. It is the time of year. It is all of the memories that have been attached to this time of year for my forever it seems. Maybe I can't remember every Christmas, but with the aide of photos - they all begin to seem just like yesterday. I am a sucker for Christmas. I can still remember seeing Santa and his sleigh as plain as can be - up in the sky going across the moon on the way to Christmas Eve services as a child. And there are the many Christmases spent with our own little family. Traveling to and from both sets of parents with the car packed with kids, gifts and goodies. We always just loved Christmas. Our own kids anticipation. Their eagerness has continued as young adults. Spending time together over the holidays, playing board games, watching movies in front of a warm fire is what our family loves to do. Oh, and of course eating and munching and snacking the entire time!

Then there waslast year. The beginning of our end. And, that right there has thrown me off of the horse many times these past few weeks. The vivid memories of conversations, hospitalizations, decisions and acceptance of what direction our life had suddenly taken all seems like it was yesterday. I see those moments in the Christmas lights. I hear it in the music on the radio and never do I know what is going to push me over the edge and into the area of uncontrolled emotions. Yes, the tear ducts are cleaned out and fully functioning.

The good news is I have been kept very busy. The new job I took in mid-November is GOOD. It is a great learning experience. I am able to utilize the many years of nursing experience and some age old wisdom, mixed with new medical treatments and protocols. Soon, I will be pushed out of the Orientation nest and taking triage calls on my own. The computer technology is awesome and I feel proud to be associated with this innovative hospital network. I have kept caring for my best patient ever - Matthew. A few shifts on the weekend every month will keep me in his life. We both agree that is a good thing.

The 13 week grief group that I was in has ended. Getting to know these people who also have lost someone near and dear has been such a priceless gift. We have bonded. We tend to feel like we are clinging to one another in a lifeboat out on the choppy seas. We understand one another's pain and lonliness. The best part about a grief group like this is that we can TALK about our feelings to one another. In the real world, where the living goes on and death is not talked about, where denial takes a grip of one's lives - it becomes too uncomfortable to bring up the subject of dead loved ones. The uncomfortable topic of death is not something our society accepts as an everyday topic. Aren't we super people? Death only happens to others. right? Many minutes were spent at our last grief group deciding how we were going to get through the holidays and how did we want to honor and remember our loved one. The most time was spent on 'worrying how other's would perceive what we wanted to do'. Having a special poem read, or perhaps lighting a candle in honor were some of the ideas. I was so one of those people who felt like, should I or shouldn't I bring up the name of the dead person. I wouldn't want to make the grieving survivors feel bad so best not to say anything. But, I will tell you now, being on the other side of this whole situation. WE WANT TO spend some time TALKing about Bruce,Kathy,Terry, Lee,Brent,Beth, Owen, Jim, Norm, Brandon, Cameron,Don,Ralph,Dale, Charles,Grandpa M, etc. We want people to remember and share with us the good stories, the good times, the moments that our loved one impacted their life. I figure maybe there will come a day, when it seems less important to me to have Bruce still feel so vivid in my memory and yours. Right now, he is everywhere I look. Yet, he isn't there. And, that just seems so surreal.

I must now interject that I have had so many wonderful friends and family who have asked, who mention Bruce, who care so deeply for me that they are calling, emailing me and sharing something about Bruce that they too miss. So, no one get offended. The above paragraph is referring to our Grief Group and the stereotypical reaction to "what to say during the HOlidays to someone who has recently loss a loved one"

My drive to and from Red Wing, MN has been a true gift. The morning sky has been an everchanging palette of colors. It leaves me feeling 'inspired', ready to face the day. More than one day the sun was rising over the little hill as I cross the bridge from Wisconsin into Minnesota. The sunrays were shooting straight up in the sky. There have been crystal glittering snowflakes, birds in pairs and in groups of five flying overhead. And then when I leave in the evening, the dark night winter sky is already overhead, but to the west, the orange setting sun slowly sinks as if to say goodnight. I don't have any answers, but yet, I feel that my GOD is looking out for me. He knows what buttons to push. My faith has never waivered, it has grown stronger even though I don't understand what lies ahead on my road I am on.

I want to get on with my life one day. But, I feel it is important to admit these feelings - to accept that who I am and how I feel is the way it is suppose to be for me. One day, a Friday night will be easier. One day, I will look forward to Christmas with the usual anticipation that I have always had. And, one day - thinking of my husband will just bring a smile and not a choking feeling in my throat and tears to my eyes. Until then, life will go on, and so will I. I am holding onto the reins, my feet are in the stirrups and I am on the ride of my life.

Merry Christmas!
Love, Deb

PS. For those who have gotten to the very end, know how much I appreciate your love, care and concern. My family is the absolute best. God blessed Bruce and I with three fantastic children who have jumped through fire to be there for me. Each one has gone over, above and beyond to spend time with me, hang out with me on a Friday night, and give me what I need - LOVE. One day I pray it is soon, I will not feel so needy. And, then just maybe I will be able to reciprocate in some small way for someone else.

His Birthday, My Birthday

His Birth-Day was Sunday. My Birthday was four days earlier. I didn't want to celebrate mine. I just wanted to celebrate his. So we did. We ate homemade pizza and watched movies, the kids and I that is. It felt good. Little Avery is now making this low humming noise. She is finding her voice. She keeps my mind and heart happy.

Many moments are sad this time of year. It was one year ago now that Bruce went to the Dr for his "cough", was put on antibiotics and prednisone. And it will soon be one year ago that the diagnosis of Stage IV Lung Cancer was delivered. All of these dates roam in my head. It is hard to concentrate on today, this year, this Holiday. I am trying to go through the motions. I don't have any desire to decorate. I look around and see stuff lying here and there and don't have the energy to do anything about it. Maybe it too will all get better.

I wish I could just fast-forward through the Holidays.

My life has changed. In one year, I have lost a husband, gained a granddaughter and started a new job. It doesn't sound like much when I write it down.

Friends and family remembered Bruce's birthday this weekend. It was nice to have them call and mention it during our family gathering.

My job is going well. While I am at work, I compartmentalize, keeping my heart wrapped up. When I walk to my car, get in my car then my heart feels sad. Seeing Holiday lights and listening to Holiday music just doesn't seem right. Not this year. Other widows have told me this is very common.

I can't put up the tree this year. So, Wendy and Abby have volunteered to do it. I am going to try to put on a cheery face and make it through the next few weeks. The old saying, fake it till you make it. Right?