Why? ..............Is this a TEST?

Do you ever wonder why you feel like you are getting the brunt of life? Do you ever feel like your life sucks royally? Like, what did I do to deserve this? Today?
Oh, I know that I do have half of what is coming to me in the world. But, sometimes, it just seems unfair.

Today was over the top in unfairness. I am still reeling - the emotinal rollercoaster has been activated. Lately, family and life and situations beyond my control have caused me to feel suffocated with emotion. I don't have my better/other half that I could come home and unload on, with or to. OH .....................How I miss that!

This day at work was a hard one. It started out rough and ended rough and lots of rough in-between. I went to work holding my emotions together with the glue of guts! I have no choice. It just was one of those days. Too much stuff that I can't control, want to voice - but can't! So...then the work day begins. I pray on my way to work that I will not break down. The day was a busy one, lots of sick people out there, influenza has hit big-time!

I find myself thinking more and more about what I exactly do. I help people figure out what is wrong with them. I have begun to realize that I failed at this with my own husband. I have at my fingertips oodles of information I could have looked up about his symptoms. Did I ever? NO! Not until he was diagnosed. I wonder WHY? WHY didn't I try to intervene? So, now here I am on a daily basis figuring out just how sick someone is, and then advising them they either need to make an appointment today, go to the ER or Urgent care, etc.. Many times it is the wife calling in to talk about her husband and share his symptoms with me. Many times he is right there with her. I am getting in the habit of asking to talk to the patient directly.
Yesterday, this happened. I asked if I could speak to him. He had been having some sort of shortness of breath after shoveling snow! I asked if he had taken any of his nitroglycerine he had ordered that I was saw on his chart as I reviewed his meds. He said, "no, but I do have it in the pickup in case I need it!" After he and I visited, I told him what I thought he should do. I advised him to go to the Emergency Room now! and I said something like this,

the reason why I am advising you to go is because ............, "You are 61 yrs of age, you have already had 2 stints put in your heart, you have been having symptoms for over 5 days, and you only have one life!" " And" , I added, "if you were my husband I would want you to go!"

After an hour, I checked the Emergency Room schedule and he was there! Mission accomplished, another husband saved! Just not my own!

So, here I am helping other people every minute of the day, live a better life! And, yet, I didn't do that for my own husband. How do I reconcile that with myself?

Shortly after I started working there, I found out a co-worker is LIVING with lung cancer. After Christmas, she and I had the opportunity to get to know one another a little bit better. We have had some conversations about her diagnosis. She, recently had been asking me pointed questions about Bruce's diagnosis. Today, we found out her cancer has spread. Everyone is devastated. I, barely know her, but yet, I wonder WHY? Why - a co-worker with cancer - is this a test?

I am not sure I am up for any testing these days!

Tonight, I am like one of those lost sheep that needs a Shephard with a big HOOK, bringing me back into the fold. Romans 8:26-27 I read this morning at 5:30 am, funny how it was telling me then - when I am weak and don't know how to pray, that GOD KNOWS MY SORROWS and the Spirit is there for me and will do my praying for me.
just exactly what I would need to hear and remember by this evening!

The many ironies in my life are not coincidental. Romans 8:28 - affirms that for me.

We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose.

blogging tonight is like singing the blues

Tomorrow, the sun will come out, bet your bottom dollar!

Second Valentines Day

On the way home from work, I thought about tomorrow. I have been thinking about it all week. It has been there on the front burner and then the back burner of my mind. Slowly simmering. This month, I have consciously been wearing all of the jewelry that Bruce had gotten me over the years. One of the first nice necklaces I received was a gold heart with diamonds along one side. I do love it and enjoy wearing it particularly in February. He got the drift soon after the first jewelry gift to me - so from there on out for several years, I received some very nice pieces of jewelry. They aren't large diamonds but little gemstones! And... they fit my personality perfectly.

Today while at work, as I was taking my lunch break, a new co-worker friend stopped to visit with me. Sarah asked me how I was doing? I told her I thought I had finally gotten used to my new job and that I do feel part of the team now. blah, blah, blah. Then she asked me, "how are you doing otherwise?". In the three months that I have been working full-time, I have had little side conversations with some of these nurses. Some of them know 'my story'. Sarah is one of them. So, back to our conversation, I said..."well, it is an up and down process" then I got misty-eyed - she noticed and said just what I needed to hear the day before Valentines Day. She said, "Deb, you must have loved him so much!" I nodded, not wanting to cry or breakdown. I said, "I did - for 34 mostly wonderful years!" She then said, "you know, you are very lucky! ... and went on to say... "not all of us have had that." Then, I was struck with all of these memories of how he was such a character - how he was so to the point, said whatever, however in his manner of speaking. never really was he worried one little bit if he might offend someone! I don't know "her story" - not yet anyway, but one day soon I will as we do plan to go for lunch together. I showed her a few silly photos I carry in my purse. Sarah said, "he looks like he was such a good guy!" My heart did a flip with her comment. I thanked her for asking. I told her, it really means a lot to me when people ask, it shows they really care. I told her how just in the past few days, I have received e-mails, phone calls, and even a letter came yesterday - all of them mention, even after one year - how much EVERYONE misses him! My sister, Nancy sent me a card with a photo of Bruce and I from about 1987! It is taken out in front of a farm house we rented when we first moved to WI. WE are standing on our front porch and I have my arms wrapped tightly around his waist, I am wearing a red top, he is in blue, we both are smiling, he has this silly grin on his face, and I am exuding love - even while wearing these very large framed glasses that cover half of my face!

Another dear friend of ours wrote:

I can't tell you how often I think of him and of you. I can't talk or think about him that I don't tear up!

Tonight,on my way home from Red Wing after I started to think about Valentines Day - everything that was RED began to POP-OUT at me. The car in front of me, the red barns and buildings on the dirty/winter landscape..tail-lights in my rearview mirror, a real-estate sign - Red is my favorite color. I love to wear red.


LOVE IS being asked to go to a movie or out to eat by one of my children.
LOVE IS watching Abby in the kitchen whip up something to eat.
LOVE IS having any conversation about current events or just stuff with the kids.
LOVE IS Ty saying to me "hows my mama?" and giving me his little hug or rubbing my neck as I am out in the kitchen.
LOVE IS being able to console my new granddaughter when she become frightened.
LOVE IS getting her to laugh out loud, smell her babyfresh head and hold her tight.
LOVE IS caring for 'my other main man - Matt' He is like one of my own kids!
LOVE IS LUANN - Bruce's sister. The way she looks over the top of her glasses and grins! Her laugh, her high fives, her wet kisses!
LOVE IS getting a call and/or spending moements with my siblings and their families.
LOVE IS hearing my dad's voice on the other end of the phone.
LOVE IS hearing my mom's voice, and her little ticklish cough she gets when we gab too long.
LOVE IS playing games with the family.
LOVE is watching my children with their significant others be so happy.
LOVE IS all of the wonderful extended family and friends that keep demonstrating day in and day out how important they are in my life.
LOVE IS remembering my life with the man I loved! All parts of it.

What does your LOVE IS list look like? Tell that someone you care so much for - that you love them more today than you did yesterday and that you will love them more tomorrow than today.

In the end, I had 50 days with Bruce to tell him exactly that sentence above. I wasted time prior to the end. We both did. I don't believe in spending every moment of every waking day with the one I love. But, I could have done better. He could have done better - but, we didn't.
Lesson over for today.

And ... EAT SOMETHING SWEET tomorrow ......
WITH LOVE, DEB

One Year

One year, less one day in my life has passed since the man I loved took his last breath on a cold Saturday night. Surrounded by his three children and their mates, a nephew, his girlfriend, me and a dear friend - we watched him, watched t.v., napped while caring for him and at 10:45pm, he gasped his last breath.

How do you measure a year? Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes? Moments so dear, How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter and strife...that is what the song Seasons of Love from RENT suggests.

Now it is the Saturday night one year later. His voice, his touch, his laughter, his chuckle, his way of sitting on the sofa, how he could charm his children's friends, how he answered the phone at the office - and many more ways he had - still are - they are ETCHED in my memory, and our children's memories. They are etched in the memories of family members, friends and his clients. He is not gone, he is just in another realm.

This year without him has not been easy. It has not been fun, but it has BEEN. I have not been alone these months. I have been surrounded by my children and family members who have genuinely cared for me. They have allowed me to grieve in my own way. My friends have rallied behind me. Throughout this period in my life, never have I felt more loved and supported. I've become a Grandma, the icing on my year! I have met many new friends, who have become very important in my life. Many of these new friends are walking the same path I am. They too, have lost someone they loved. I feel so very blessed!.

The ICE LUMINARY is ready to be taken out to the cemetary. Tonight at 10:30pm, I will make the trek out there. I want to light it and be there alone. I want to feel the coldness, the darkness, the emptiness - the solitude. I plan to search the night sky for my favorite stars. I will feel God's presence in my life. And then I will know that I am not alone. As, Bruce too, will be there somewhere.

This whole experience with death and widowhood has caused me to self-examine who I am. Two sets of friends in the past twenty-four hours have reminded me that I have always been someone. Before Bruce, I was me. And, I am still that me. And even before I knew I was me, I was something. That essence is what I am seeking. That spiritual something that fills each one of our souls is the 'stuff' in life that makes us unique. I believe it might be the 'stuff' that continues on after-life. Perhaps it is also the 'stuff' that makes flowers bloom in spring time, and grass grow green in summer, and clouds look all billowy up in the sky. Perhaps it is what causes each snowflake to be individual and unique. Perhaps it is what makes birds sing their pretty melodies. I believe Bruce's essence still is present, I have no doubt about that. Perhaps it is what memories are made of. One day, each one of us will experience what he experienced in that moment when breathing ceased and eternity began.

Until then, 'tho the story never ends ... measure in love, seasons of love.' I will be happy and sad, cheerful and silly, crazy and goofy, angry and irritable. I will be me. Because I AM. Debra G. Tokheim