Wishes, Regrets, Music & 35 Years

There are some songs that just bring back a flood of memories and moments. Last night while caring for Matt, one of those moments happened. As Ronnie Milsap sang "Let's take the lonnnng way a-round the world" ...right away - I could hear Bruce singing that song! We had a Ronnie Milsap audio tape that we would play in our car when the kids were little. Bruce loved to sing along, his voice and Ronnie's were much the same. As I listened to the words, I was transported back a few years to our many car rides when that tape would play. I grabbed onto Matt's counter, steadied myself as I felt my heart twirl and a tear form, then I smiled and grabbed a pen to write down the phrases. "...Sharing each other as we go, Let's take the lonnnng way around the world, and let's take it real slow ...cuz,when it is all said and done, all we have is love!"

That is and was so true.

It dawned on me, that this year - 2008, in August we would have been married 35 years! I have been wanting to have an excuse to have a backyard party this summer and am toying with the idea of how to pull it off. Now it seems I have a good excuse, and with that come more reasons to do fun things and to celebrate my life! In fact, I am developing a list of 35 things I want to do before the end of this year! If on December 31, I have to take a pen and paper and sit down before midnight to remember 35 things.... well that is what I will do. (Because, I know I have probably already done that many fun things so far!) Getting together with family and friends will head that list. Maybe one massage will also be on the list! If you really know me, you understand the creative spirit that resides inside this head!
I WILL think of things to do, have no fear!

I have been thinking a lot lately about chapters of our lives that we have found ourselves in. As I have adjusted to being alone, a particular regret keeps popping into my thoughts. This regret is one that I would discuss during conversations with others about how Bruce and I met,our history. It was that I never had the opportunity to live by myself in my own apartment, to have my own car, etc. From high school, to nursing school, to being married - I was never alone. So, in conversations in the past 35 years, there were times, when I would say that there was a certain regret that I had. I felt that maybe I had missed out on some part of life! Learning to be more independent perhaps, learning to make decisions on my own, learning how to deal with plumbers, car salesman, getting a quote for work, whatever the need might be, I felt I had missed an opportunity. If Bruce was nearby during these conversations, he would become a little irritated with me. He felt I was saying in unspoken words that I didn't want to get married when we did. And of course, I wouldn't have changed a thing. So, now my regret and my wish is coming to fruition. I am alone, I am learning the ropes of making decisions on my own. So now, I regret the regret and wish life were different now. But - that isn't the plan for my life!
So,instead - I am marking this as a moving on moment. Thank you God!

Letting go of regrets, little mistakes and big mistakes is important to one's mental health. Somehow, that too has been a reoccurring thought in my head

I have been working very hard to get the swimming pool opened. The odds haven't been in my favor! Cold, rain, and wind have added extra problems. On Wednesday of this week, it was looking almost perfect. So, by myself, I pulled the solar cover on for the first time. Realize that this is a two person job, but can be done by one person. Think about pulling a big blanket up over a pool by yourself! I had decided it was time to begin to turn off the pump at night - and then every morning I would turn it back on, back-wash the sand filter and then go off to work. So, on Thursday morning, I went out to turn on the pump and backwash. I thought I had turned it back to circulate - I left for work. At 5:15pm, my cell phone rings - it is Lance. "mom, were you intending on draining the pool?"...

NO!!

I screamed into the phone.
Frustrated,irritated and upset at the senseless draining of the pool, I tried to rethink my steps of where I had gone wrong that morning. I wanted to take my anger out on someone or something - Bruce, Lance, myself.... When I got home and saw the half empty pool, well... it just didn't seem like that big of a deal. I will just try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

When it is all said and done, all we have is LOVE!

Deb

Affirmations

I have had a few signs lately about good things to come! And, ... I am so excited!
Thankyou to those who affirm me, my situation and the road I am on and how far I have come.
It hasn't always been easy.
Today, I was with good friends whom I had not seen for a year. These ladies were also known as
aka = Dance Moms!
Their daughters were in Dance class and competition with my daughter - a few years ago, but we remain in touch, if only once or twice a year.
One mom is happily married, the other is going through a divorce and then there is me.
How appropriate! Three women - similar ages - at different phases of life circumstances.
One - with a husband who loves her
One - without a husband who loved her
One - whose husband isn't sure he loves her

Yet - We are all living and surviving

I have had some recent inspirations that I am excited about.
I am not sure how it will all play out on the big screen.
But for now..
Coming back to this blog was AFFIRMATION.

You see, lately I have been toying with the idea of when to stop blogging.
I still am not sure when that will be

Today - I listened to NPR (national public radio) and one of the commentaries was on the internet and how reaching it is, especially for the upcoming presidential election. This commentary was about Obama and his abiity to reach people. His speech he gave after the Reverand Wright controversy has been viewed on the internet by hundreds of thousands-maybe millions. (now if Bruce were writing this blog, he would have remembered the EXACT number that was quoted earlier today - but ME, I don't remember numbers well!)

Anyway, I am not sure what this really has to do with me, but it is just one of the jig-saw puzzle pieces of my life today - June 9, 2008 - that fits! And, so for now, I will continue to write.


Happy Monday. deb

June - AvelBug's 1st Birthday - Counting

I have been trying to teach baby Avery to count 1 - for her first birthday. I will ask her, "How old are you Avery Joy?...then wait and say...1 year old! and hold up my index finger, and help her get her hand into a grip and hold up her index finger. Of course, she has no patience or idea of what this crazy granny is trying to teach her and she doesn't care. But she does smile and she does ignite my heart!
Can it really be ONE year ago? I am blown away by the speed of time these days. I hardly have time to write as you might notice...you out there...nameless...the crowd....the caring souls...who might happen - stance upon this blog and wonder who is this? ...what is this? ...does it affect me?? and how?

Many times when I am talking to women my age whose husbands are still alive - they say to me.. "I can't imagine what you are going through " My pat answer is this - "I don't want you to imagine, I don't want you to think about it, don't ... Don't even give it a thought, don't waste a moment thinking about what is might be like!, but instead - enjoy your moments together and cherish each and every one of them, even the frustrating ones. Because - we... no one...really knows what tomorrow is going to bring! "

Being a optimist most of my life has had it's advantages. I am not a worrier. I don't really get scared about stuff. The closest I get to feeling scared is on an airplane - landing! And then I just say a prayer. I wonder what that moment must be like? That SECOND ...when Life becomes death...HOw dreary this conversation has become. My optimistic viewpoint has now pervaded my thoughts and guess what? That SECOND..................................will be GLORIOUS! I really have no doubts about that.

Bruce told me he wasn't afraid to die. I wasn't sure what he really meant by that. And, we never had an opportunity to fully discuss that statement. But, I too....am not afraid to die. To die is gain........that is written somewhere in the bible.

Now, it is Friday evening. I really still don't like Friday evenings. I called two of my long distance friends on the way home from work, one didn't answer, and I did get to chat with the other. I have decided this is going to become a 'Friday on the way home from work custom' - to talk to my friends that are not near me. I felt crabby all afternoon at work. Rememberances of days gone by, good times, and now - well it is really really different. I too, like many widows don't want to be a pest to their family. I do have to create a life of my own. I thought of all of the things I could do tonight. One being - a trip to the fabric store. I love to look at new fabric and get ideas. I have several projects in the wings - waiting to get completed. I must complete one of them before starting anything else. I went out to work in the yard, cleaned the pool and began to dig. But - I have this neighbor. He is lonely. He is much older than me. He is my father's age. he is a widower. And, when he sees me outside, he comes outside. He wants to talk, to visit, to get a hug. It has become an uncomfortable situation. I do have to break it to him soon. My problem is this - I am too nice! Instead, I avoid him - so that is why I am here now writing. He began to mow, while I was digging out some weeds along my foundation. What a chicken I have become!

I do feel like I have rounded some sort of bend in the road. I feel myself being lighter in spirit, less dragged down by my emotions. I think of Bruce less often throughout the day. Last weekend good friends were here from DesMoines. We went uptown on Friday night to a local bar for burgers and a beer. One of Bruce's very good friends - one of the pall bearers - stopped over to the table and the four of us swapped 'Bruce stories'. It felt good. I didn't get sad, or feel bad, but instead was happy that such good memories abounded in others' thoughts! As we left the bar, my friend suggested we go see Bruce - since we had been talking about him. So...we did! Ten o'clock at night - driving up the cemetary and looking for the green glowing eternal candle, we visited Bruce! Now...for two women to do these antics is nothing, but George I think felt a bit uncomfortable. He was a good sport and went along with us. Bless his heart!

On Memorial Day, I spent time with another woman in my boat. Her husband died in August of 2007. Being just a little behind me on the same path, I have at times held out my hand and said to her, ..."this way....come this way with me"... because there have been other women who are my friends that are ahead of me on the same path showing me the way...saying the same thing to me. We too had decided to do the Cemetary tour. Her husband is in another cemetary in another town. With camera in tow, it is documented! We have spent many moments talking about what we miss about our guys. Their touch, their voice, those moments of knowing what the other one was thinking are now etched in memory instead of reality.

AvelBug has become little Avery Joy's nickname! She has been such a God-send gift for me and for all of us. Watching her grow weekly has been the very best gift. I count myself so blessed to have my family near me. I rode my bike over to their home on her birthday. She gets excited to see me these days and wants to immediately come to me! It is great to feel so wanted. She is working on giving kisses and hugs. Her hugs consist of a head-down, head-butt motion! I have noticed how she is trying to talk, babbling in different tones as she picks up from our conversations. She isn't quite walking but nothing is sacred in her presence these days.

A big moment is about to happen. Abby is moving out for good. At age 28, it is time. Yet, that too has been all part of the grand plan of things. She has found a home in Minnesota, not far away and will begin the next chapter of her life as a resident in Obstetrics and Gynecology. She has been gathering up all of her belongings for the big move. I keep thinking about what I did at age 28. I had been married for 8 years and had two children. We were on our third home! It is at times hard for me to really realize how old my children have become. Having them a part of our lives ... and my life for so long, I sometimes treat them much younger than they are in years! Yet, I am so thankful for all of the moments I have had with my adult children. I feel like it has been a BRIDGE for me. A bridge into my next chapter. I am excited for her and for me. I am looking forward to more decluttering in the house.

On June 3rd, it was 16 months - without him. I do still count. It doesn't take up all of my thoughts. It just is there, on the backburner of my mind.
Well, perhaps now I will venture outside!

Until then........................................................Warm thoughts from my heart to yours! Deb