Mama-Mia, 35 years ...celebrating

I have been to the theater 3 times in the past three weeks to see this movie ...
Mama-Mia..the movie that is based on the songs of ABBA. I love it! Each time I have seen it, I catch more of the words, and love it even more! I am sure, never have I been to a theater to see the same movie three times ever before in my life! So..what is the attraction?

Well, there are great songs, women in their 50's and good looking men! And then there is the scenery, a Greek island - beautiful clear blue water, a rustic charming inn and LOVE - Love between good friends, and love between lovers. How can anyone resist it?

Bruce may have resisted going to this movie, but I know that he would have gone with me and that he would have enjoyed it! (OK, maybe not as much as an OCeans 11 or whatever the number is!, but he would have gone with me!)
He and I had been to see the musical downtown Minneapolis the summer of 2005. I don't remember much except that we were in the back of the long mainfloor auditorium. The songs are really infectious. And as I have listened to the CD I jsut HAD to purchase, I find that the words of these songs are speaking to me. "OUR LAST SUMMER, I can still recall" - yes I remember quite well our last summer - and especially with photos that I have taken, am transported back to that time. Knowing nothing about what lie ahead. Thank GOD. As I watched the movie for the third time, these songs spoke to me - on a different plane. Love, Remembering what we had, wishing we had it still. I mentioned this to my sister-in-law, the last person I saw this movie with. She knew what I was talking about.

Bruce loved to watch movies, at the theater and at home. I always wondered what the big attraction for him was. (besides settling into a horizontal position, relaxing and doing nothing ,sleeping on and off and maybe staying awake until the final credits) I am sure he watched 3 times as many movies or more than I did. Now I really know.I am transported for a moment to another life. Fantasy, wishes, dreams...whatever you want to call it. If something isn't quite right in your life, you seek something more. I can't speak for Bruce, but for me, Mama Mia has fullfilled the cracks that are there, without him. Don't take this wrong, but ... Pierce Brosnan can't sing, but oh...he is so nice to look at!

LOVE - 35 years ago - on August 25 we said

I DO

at 2pm on a Saturday in Jesup, Ia.
Even though time continues to move forward and my life is going on, my love for Bruce isn't aging for him, it just IS. My friends who are also widows speak of this same feeling. As if, our LOVE was FROZEN IN TIME. And, if per chance our husbands were to walk into the room, we feel we could pick up where we last left off. ODD as it may seem, LOVE is ageless, which makes it eternal in my book.

Tomorrow, I am spending the afternoon with my FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW! Lance proposed to Shayna in the middle of Central Park three weeks ago! A FALL WEDDING is being planned. A good old fashioned low-key-but-fun HARVEST themed outdoor wedding (if weather permits) is in the works. The engagement isn't going to be long. Shayna has her heart set on FALL COLOR...now selecting the exact weekend in October - (yes, you read it right, this October 2008!) is what we have in store for us. I am thrilled to be spending my anniversary weekend helping to plan OUR baby boy's wedding.

Celebrating Good Times has been my theme of the month for August. Last weekend, 50+ friends and family joined me to do just that. The weather was perfect, only one fly decided to be pesky and the full moon lit up the night sky. Yes, Bruce was with each and every one of us as we celebrated our moments with him, without him and life today. Kids swam and stirred up the pool water. A keg didn't get quite emptied, but we did sing some songs with the kareoke. It was good. Thankyou dear ones who were here with me.

Last evening, 9 other widows joined me here at the house for a FRIDAY EVENING SOCIAL. It is our once a month gathering on a Friday night. We ate, drank, laughed and visited. All was good. I gain strength and courage from these women. I pray that I reciprocate in the same way. We talk strange talk, anniversaries of deaths of our our husbands, of standing on the graves of our husbands at someone else's funeral, of deciding what to call ourselves - perhaps SOLO's, or SOLITAIRES, instead of Women Left Behind. (the name I spur-of-the-moment came up with last fall) We talk about what it is like to share a wedding anniverary without our husbands. Love just doesn't go away, it remains.

I feel blessed today.
Loving thoughts being sent out over the internet, and into Heaven to my one and only...wherever that may be! Happy 35th my dear! xo Deb

18 months, Baby steps-14 months, Dads

August 3 - another hurdle, another milestone in my life. I thought of it as I was driving back to WI from IA - alone! My lot in life. I try not to be sad, but sometimes it just happens. No one can help me, it is just the way it is for me and others in my shoes, walking alone not on our choosing.
Yes, it is getting easier. It is just in moments of memories, of remembering of past moments together that sadness creeps in. Especially in a four hour car ride alone that used to be taken with him.

I went to Iowa late on Thursday evening. My father, my dad had had a heart attack. The previous Monday evening, mom had been trying to reach me. She wanted to run by his symptoms with her daughter, the nurse. I went into my work mode as I listened to his symptoms. He had worked outside in the hot humid weather rolling up fence! (this is hard for someone who isn't 83 years old!) Ate a big supper and then developed arm pain in both arms. It didn't sound good. I talked to Dad and told him I thought he needed to go to the hospital and get checked out. Of course, he said "NO". Mom was nervous, but she had given him an aspirin. Calling a nephew, he immediately went to his grandpa's aid. And soon, Dad was in the hospital.

All week long I fretted and worried. I spoke with his nursing staff. He developed a condition called 'sundowner's syndrome'. A form of disorientation in older people when they are taken out of their natural environment. So, by Thursday, the day of the angiogram, he was totally lacking sleep and confused! The angiogram showed 3 vessel involvment. New news for us, but just compounding his already diseased heart. Surgical intervetion is not an option for this fragile but determined and not giving-up-the-ship man. It was suggested he be tranferred by air-ambulance to Mayo. By late afternoon, he was just wanting to get home. He was angry, confused and becoming beligerant. The sandbag used on his angiogram insertion site felt like cement to dad. He couldn't understand in his confused state, why he had to sit in this chair with this bag of cement! He pleaded to go home. And, that is what we, his family wanted for him. We would take our chances with his health and take him home, where in the end, he really wants to be.

I rushed home arriving at 1115pm. My sister from Minneapolis had also just arrived. The night was a long one as dad's brain settled down and he attempted to regain his orientation in his own home. The weekend was spent helping him to remember what he had gone through the week before, along with helping mom and being with family. It was all good. Good to be home, helping them. It just brings up more memories of times gone by. Being alone - without Bruce is still difficult around family.

My brother, Kent and I reminisced about Bruce. His laugh, his loudness and certain memories that came spewing out as we thought of one, and then another instance where Bruce made us laugh. It was good to laugh at memories of him.

Dad hasn't decided yet what he is going to do, other than take it easy and perhaps stay inside when it is hot and humid out. It is hard to keep a all-of-his-life farmer from doing work.

Little Avery took her first steps this week! She demonstrated them to me last night on my visit to her. Out from the kitchen she came, doing her monster walk - arms outstretched in front of her. Each step choreographed - but with a big smile on her face. She is now into pointing at 'this and at that', talking her baby-garble talk! Her brain is clicking at speeds unknown to man as she learns something new every second.

She keeps me grounded and centered. When all else seems to go to pot, I think of her.