SHOCK

Yesterday ,Ty said that he had two more clients that didn't know about dad. That some have been just SHOCKED to hear that he is gone. Bruce's domain was the "office". He lived and breathed it while he was at work. He had a seperate life there. I knew only the fringe stuff. He would share things with me, but it wasn't like we talked about his day and all of the events in it, and who called, etc. But there were special people he talked about. One of those people wrote on the caring bridge site today. In Jaunary, when Bruce was sick, he had told me I needed to contact her. He told me that she was starting up a mission in Africa, her home country. You see, last fall, I had decided to get a sociology degree with a women's studies minor. In going back to college, it was time for me to choose my major. I have been interested in doing work on an international basis - something on a larger scale that I could use my nursing background, common sense and management skills. He said, "Deb, call Florianne". Then he reminisced outloud about her, her siblings and family. He shared how much he cared for them. What good people they were and how she was such a good networker, Always bringing more family in for their insurance needs. He loved helping all people. But he was very proud that he had been entrusted to help this family. I knew more of his clients by their name, but not always by their face. It was very common, if we were out and about together, that he would say hello to someone I didn't know. After introducing me, he then would explain, who they were, what kind of insurance they had, how long they had been customers, etc. etc.

The tidal wave has hit the shore. The SHOCK of his death that the clients are feeling is finally being felt by the family. The kids and I have all had our moments. Feeling frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and stung. We get tense with one another. Sharing our frustration over the little things in life. The kids just want me to be happy. They want to be happy. We all say, it isn't fair. The quietness hurts. The emptiness of all routine hurts. Ty misses his expertise at the office. He misses the answers that only Bruce had. He misses the extra pair of hands. We all have talked about how the last few weeks became such a blur. And now the sharp edge of reality leaves us feeling so empty. I find myself rethinking the days before we knew, then I rethink the days after we knew, then I go onto thinking about the days of caring for him and now all of a sudden I am into the rest of my life. The Deb & Bruce is no more. I am not married, I am a widow. Getting on with this new life is going to take time. Hearing from you helps so much, whether it is via this blog, phone, email or caringbridge. I thank you for your generous hearts. We still are feeling the care and concern of many.

The D'rothers, Sunday blues and more

Today was a reminder of winter's wrath. Although the snow is very pretty to look at it, it has reminded me of the deep cold stillness that seems to say death. I decided I was going to try to do some cleanout of something that was 'his'. I started with the little pottery bowl on top of our dresser that held the things from his pockets. Bruce was great at emptying his pockets before putting clothes in the laundry. I never checked his pockets for stuff, I didn't have to. As I pulled out the little receipts and ticket stubs and began to sift through it, the tears began to flow. Here were the remnants of his life. The Iowa Hawkeye ticket stubs from three of the home games this fall. I bet the others are in his coat pocket if I look. A ticket stub to 'Borat' the movie that we went to on November 24. It wasn't a very good movie, we did laugh hard in some places and felt uneasy in other areas of the movie. I had just wondered last night, if that was the last movie we had seen in the theater. I believe it was. There was a grocery store receipt of "his stop at the store" On it were the things he liked to eat if I wasn't at home. Chicken pot pies and meatloaf dinners, Iced molasses cookies for his sweet tooth, Old dutch potato chips and ham spread. Pepsi rounded out this $28.00 bill purchased on Nov 14. Looking back at the calendar, this was when I had driven my folks down to Texas. It was his "Home Alone" food. There was the receipt to Mariachi Loco, the local mexican restaurant we went to on his 55th Birthday, on December2. He had his picture taken in their big Mexican Sombrero that day with his free ice-cream sundae. There was the bank reciept of a deposit he had made. With the $100 in cash withdrawal marked. He always gave me $50 and kept $50 in cash for himself, every two weeks without fail. At the bottom of the bowl were three casino chips from one of his last trips to Las Vegas last spring. Several LONG GOLF Tees looked like pickup sticks in the bottom of the bowl. He was so proud of the results he would get when he used these long tees. I even began to use them with mixed results. Then two golf balls sat on top of the nest of tees. One had some dirt on it. As I picked it up, the tears ran, and the sobs began. I wonder when he had used this ball last?
Bruce was a neat guy. He picked up after himself. He didn't like messes and neither did I. We sometimes would get frustrated with the kids and their inablility to see the messes they created. He always took care of the family room. Getting out the vacumn cleaner and cleaning up around the messy woodburner. It wasn't the best job, but I was happy that he was doing it. I tried not to point out that I could do it better and about twice a year, I would do just that. A thorough deep cleaning of the family room would take place and I would feel better.
He also learned to fold clothes exceptionally well over the years. I sometimes couldn't tell who had folded the t-shirts, him or me! He used hankerchiefs. I never really liked to wash them, but wanted to iron them for him. I groveled at times when I would have to soak and clean them. Ironing them, made me feel better. Like I was sterilizing them. We had many conversations.. I can hear him telling me, "Honey, you DO NOT have to iron my hankerchiefs!" and I would say, "But, I want to, so there!"
These are the Drother's I am talking about. I'D RATHER have him here, cleaning the family room a little bit shoddily, missing some wood chips and not sweeping up around the fireplace and having to iron his hankerchiefs again THEN not having him here anymore and doing it myself. It just isn't that much fun all by yourself. Even the pottery bowl full of receipts that I used to look at and grimace, "why does he keep all of that crap" I would think. Now, I look at it as treasures of our life. Reminders of how it was not that long ago.
There is another new widow in town. I plan to get in touch with her. There is healing for oneself when you put yourself out there for someone else. I feel better already, just writing this today. My heart feels lighter.
Our neighbor came over to help Abby and I clean out the driveway. His snowblower made fast work around our shovels. He said, he was doing it in memory of Bruce. He said, he looked up to Bruce as his father. Sometimes you don't know the impact you are having on someone else. He said Bruce would have done anything for him. I believe he would have too if asked and given the opportunity. I have made some sugar cookies today. Little snowflakes and mittens. As soon as I get them frosted, I will take them over a plate for all of his work. Life goes on... until tomorrow Deb

Weather Worries

A large winter storm is approaching. And all of a sudden I am feeling worried about Abby. She is in Madison for today and will be returning home on Saturday. She is a great driver, has driven in all sorts of weather BUT - I am now more concerned about her. She defended herself to me yesterday when I gave her my "be very very careful" mother talk. "Mom, you know I am a good driver and I will be just fine!" I tried to tell her I had been tracking the storm and think it is going to be huge and in the southern part of the state. I don't want to start off from Madison and getting stranded. She continued to discount my warning. So then I said what was really on my heart. "I have already lost one family member this month, I couldn't bear to lose another one!"

Common sense and caution sometimes wasn't part of my background. I have been caught more than once in a winter storm creeping along on a snowpacked one lane freeway because I felt I needed to get somewhere or because I didn't heed the weather warnings. I now am worrying for my daughter, who has a little of me in her. All of the years that I traveled, I sensed a guardian angel was watching over me. At one time, I purchased these little clip-on visor angels for all of the kids and had them in all of our cars. Now I will just say some prayers to our own personal guardian angels up above.

I have many memories of winter's wrath. My earliest one is of a 4 year old little farmboy who had been outside helping his dad. It was snowing, and when the father got in the house from doing chores after dark, the 4 year old wasn't with him or in the house. I was probably 8-10 years old at the time. Old enough to know this was dire news. The local farm organizations sent volunteers over to walk the farm and nearby fields that evening and next day. The winter storm lasted all weekend. They didn't find him until Spring. He was not far from the house in a field. How helpless those parents must have felt. Their loss is unimaginable to me. It has been one of those early childhood imprints that has touched me at my deepest core. When we were dating, Bruce and I got stranded at my parent's home along with all of my siblings. We had come home from college that weekend. My two brothers took a tractor and cab up 7 miles to my brother's farm to milk the cows. They ended up having to walk a distance of perhaps a half mile. My 14 year old brother just about gave up walking in the blinding blowing snow. The 21 year old brother having to drag him the last little bit. Scary stuff these pretty snow flakes can be.


Being inside during this weekend will be everyone's safest best. Maybe the games will have to come out, or a good movie or two be watched. Here's praying that ALL people will be safe, sensible and cautious this weekend

Words of Comfort

Last evening when I got home and opened the mail, there was a card and a letter from two men who knew Bruce. The first card was a business associate in the insurance business. In his own writing, he had selected a card and then I could tell he had written something that reflected what the card's verse was also trying to say. I was very impressed. The second was a letter from the local bank we have banked at for years. From the head guy; (not sure what his title is) It was a one page type written letter. He talked about how he first met us and his first memories of Bruce. How he helped Bruce to purchase the agency. Their banter about WI/IA sports, and most importantly, his feelings about Bruce. He shared his last conversation with Bruce and how important he felt Bruce was to himself and to our community.
I know that many times Bruce would come home and tell me about someone who had impacted him who might have died. He too cared, but I am not sure how often he took the time to get a card, write on it and send it. With some clearer hindsight, I perhaps could have influenced him by - encouraging him to write his feelings. Or go purchase the card for him. And on some occassions that did occur. Because, in the end that memory of the impact of someone is important to the ones who are left behind.
For women, I think it is easier to display emotion, write down our feelings and share them with others. For some women like myself, I have learned over time that it is the best way for me to deal with ME.. the turmoils that rage inside of me just have to get out. And, I have found that over the years - I just gotta let them spill. Sharing my frustrations, mishaps, and how I felt about others with someone else became my way. My feeling is that I need to tell that person NOW before it is too late how important they are to me.
Well anyway...I guess where I am going with this - is that I am going to impress on my own kids, just how important it is to tell that associate, that client, that friend, or their significant other just what it is about them that they like. Nothing makes one feel better than to hear good things about themselves or the ones we love.
Growing up in a family of 5 children, smack dab in the middle with a brother and sister both older and younger - I did fight and claw my way through my childhood. I believe the term was 'hard veryhard at teaching us to work hard, have fun and respect others. They were very worried that they may spoil us. So because of that, the compliments were few - lest we would develop a 'big-head'. Along with this style of upbringing, where we were raised and the people we each met along our way, we have all become talkers and or writers in my case, trying to get that attention from someone who just might listen to us. All of my siblings have become very successful people.
No matter what has happened in our pasts, it is today that matters. My new mantra is all about "paying it forward" to someone else. On becoming a Widow, my view of the world has shifted. I am seeing life through another window, the widow's view. Paying a compliment and sharing a story of personal impact is a big key in helping someone else heal through a life tragedy. Who do you know who needs to hear positive words of influence today. Take the time today and just do it.deb

Routines

Today is the official beginning of the rest of my life. I went back to work today. My patient, my guy, my little man isn't awake yet. I have been ruminating this week. Digesting all of the stuff that has happened in the last few months to me, to my family and of course to Bruce. The finality is sinking into my being. The weight of this feeling is heavy and forboding. I am feeling a bit like Bruce's breathing must have felt, heavy and hard. The biggest thinking I have been doing is on the routines I had before Bruce's illness. Our lives seemed just like yours. Normal everyday routines that seem quite boring at times. These little exected happenings are not part of my life anymore. The mornings were filled with routines. How we woke up, what we would say to one another, who got out of bed first, who got the paper, how we sat and didn't talk to one another until the paper and first cup of coffee was read. How he would go outside to have his one cigarette, how the door sounded when he went out and came back in. The way, he would cough when he was done shaving and showering and come upstairs. The way he helped make the bed each morning. Our brief conversations we would have before leaving the house about our day, when we would see one another again. If I were leaving before him, how he would be in bed and how I would lean over and give him a kiss and tuck the covers all around him. Garbage day and bagging up the garbage together. OK, you get the idea. You have the same routines in your home. Now take all of them away and feel the void; the quietness, the absence of a life. That is the forlorness of missing my guy.
Trying to be me is what I am working on. Yet, part of me was a wife. Now I am not that. It will get figured out in due time. I will just keep pounding away at these keys until it all begins to make some sort of sense.
So, I am going to begin by forming a few new routines. I have begun to talk more to myself and to talk, caressing it as if it were his head and having this conversation with him. Telling him how much I love him, will love him forever, etc. When I see something that inspires me, I am noticing it and commenting on it. Thanking Bruce for his part he is playing. This morning it was an awesome sunrise. It was a beautiful coral pink color that spread into the eastern sky. Little white puffs of clouds polka-dotted the sky. Bruce must have had his hand in creating this just for me with God's help of course!
Am I depressed? Maybe, Am I lonely? Yes, Do I sleep well? Yes, Will I be O.K? Yes - Is this all normal? perhaps... Do I look forward to tomorrow? You bet!
And in that new day, if by my writing down my deepest soulful thoughts, I have helped another woman or man deal with the loss of the love of their life. Then...this rambling was worth it. deb

Another rotation has begun for Abby in her medical school training. She drove to Eau Claire this a.m. to begin obstetrics. She will be there for 6 weeks, I believe. This is just an hours drive from home. When Bruce was diagnosed in December- knowing that she was going to be this close to home in February was comforting. We all thought he had at least 6 months to be with us. That would put us into May. Not one of us thought he would not be alive in February. Funny how our minds 'don't go there' to areas that seem forbidden. I spent time yesterday with two friends. A friend who lost her husband 7 years ago and a new friend; my writing professor I had in the Fall. Two hours were spent with each of these ladies. Conversations were centered on widows experiences, things we miss about our husbands and lots of feelings we felt. Words sometimes can't be found to express the loss, the emptiness, the what to do next. We talked about chapters in life. Does one end a chapter, close a chapter, move on into a another phase. Finality of life is so perplexing. One minute or one day here, the next minute or day not here. Finding closure or not finding closure. I talked about helping other widows in some way. How I have felt the outpouring of other widows for me, now I want to pay it forward to the next woman who is left alone.
The funeral director stopped by last night with 'stuff'. This stuff included cards that had come to the funeral home, the bill for the funeral and the stuff that Bruce had on when he went out of our home for the last time. This included the sheet he was lying one, that the kids and I gently covered and tucked around him as we loaded him onto the cart. All of these reminders of that night came home again. These memories they say will be replaced over time with the memories of his laugh, the way he would raise up his arms if he missed a strike at the bowling alley, or how he sat all curled up on the sofa. The harsh cold memories of a winter illness and death will be replaced with warm sunny thoughts of love and good times. I know that this will happen. It happened to me three times with each of the births of our children. The pains of labor are softened and forgotten. For now, I remember, I feel and I still hurt a twinge from my most recent loss.
Today is a bright and sunny clear blue sky day. A bird was chirping outside, actually I think it was a crow was cawing, but still I sense a change in the weather. I know that life goes on, reminders are all around me. Sometimes though, I just want to sit and stare.

Sundays

Home alone this weekend I have had a lot of time to think, cry tears, sob, and think some more. Not feeling the best, has added to my misery. Weekends hold such a vast array of memories and emotions for me. Since our kids have all in the area for all of these years, we many times always found some excuse for them to come over. The boys usually would watch sports with Bruce. A meal would be prepared when Abby would have some fantastic gourmet idea up her sleeve. I usually would just be flitting around, doing whatever needed to be done - laundry, dishes.. help with this or that. Our home just was always filled with lots of noise and people. Bruce was a bit hard of hearing and loved to have the television at full quality decible noise level. Especially if he were watching a movie, I could hear the cannons or gunshots or whatever the intense noise was at any point in our home. Many times I would holler down to him, "Bruce, pleeeaaaaasssseee turn it down!!" So, this weekend, being home alone in a quiet home has given me time to digest all that is missed. The newspaper made me cry today. The TWINS were on the front page. Bruce LOVED that team. Since he was a little boy, he cheered for the Twins. He remembered many games, stats..etc.. he passed that love onto our boys. Last evening I watched Antique Roadshow. We would watch this together, always intriqued at the value in some objects. I am just beginning to realize all the parts of my life that held Bruce in them. Anticipating the sound of his car coming home after work, hearing his greeting to me; "Helloooooo dear!" or his quick wittted sense of humor that would make me bust up laughing. Missing these moments is like when I was a little girl and would get 'homesick'. Yes, that is the feeling I am feeling. I am homesick for him. I want him to come home.
I had a box of CD's I had put somewhere when I remodeled my office last winter. I have thought about this box of music lately. Yesterday, I went on a hunt and found it buried in our furnace room. In this box of music are my favorites and Bruce's favorites. Luther VanDross; we used to sing outloud to his songs when JOKe lived with us. Billy Joel, Carly Simon, Caroly King and more. Today, I am nostalgic for those moments when we were. I know I can't go back. But, I can remember.
The past few months have been a whirlwind. There was no time for remembering. We barely had time to just be. So, now that I am no longer spending my waking moments caring for Bruce, I am going to take time to care for my wounded soul. Today, I am going to let the tears fall on my cheeks, let my makeup run and just let myself cherish those moments that were us. Life is fragile and prescious. Celebrating who we were. Tomorrow, I will think about moving on.
We have two new little TOKHEIMs about to make their appearance into the world. First, will be our nephew's baby - due in April. Followed by Ty and Wendy's little one in May. In a few hours, they will be arriving home with a carload of 'babythings' from the babyshower that I missed. I plan to help them unload. I plan to take everything out and look it over and remember how I did the exact same thing for each one of our kids. Happy Sunday to all of you. Love, deb

Home Alone with Purpose

After a vist to the Dr upon Abby's urging yesterday morning, I realized there was no way I could go across the state of Wisconsin to Wendy's baby shower. I was too sick to be too disappointed. Dr thought it was the flu, ordered tamiflu. So I came home, chilled and achey, went into our laundry room where I had been keeping Bruce's sweatpants/sweatshirts/things he was wearing these past weeks. I found his favorite sweatpants and old Marching Band Wildcats Sweatshirt, stuck them in the dryer to get them nice and warm - then put them on. I then made up the sofa for myself instead of him. Everymorning, our routine was to get him into the family room and onto the sofa - I would say, " I am going to get your nest nice and cozy for you!" - lining the leather sofa with a blankent, propping pillows just right and taking the fleece blankets and popping them into the dryer - all timed just right to put on him. Yes, nurses are good at making their patients feel extra comfy. Yesterday, I was doing it for myself. As I layed my pounding head on the pillow, feeling the warmth surround me and allowing myself to heal - life went on around me. Abby was getting ready to go to Sheboygan with Ty and Wendy. I dozed on and off. But from the sofa, my mind was on the weeks I had hovered over Bruce, the words we said, the words we didn't say to one another. Mostly sad thoughts were present.

This morning, I lifted my head off of the pillow and it wasn't throbbing. I felt like I might have more energy. No aching muscles were felt as I stepped out of bed. I spent about 30 seconds pondering the possiblity of just getting in the car and driving over to the baby shower. But, then reality hit me. My cough, my throat still hurts and it would be too stressful on me. All of you that know me, know that I am prone to spontaneous actions and that it wouldn't surprise anyone if I would do just that. But, instead, I am going to stay put, in our home- and work on the many thankyous that are still waiting for me.

I can feel Spring. I need to feel this. I see it in the blue skies out the window. And in the warmth of the sunshine. I will tend to the many plants that are new to our home. Yes, the OUR will have to be part of my language for awhile. Bruce is still very much a part of me and all that I do. deb

Sickness and Soup

I have come down with something. Maybe it is time that I can be sick. It began with a scratchy throat, then a congested cough. The body aches began yesterday. Now I have a head congestion thing going as well. It sucks to be sick. With each cough, I think of Bruce and his coughing fits he would have. Mine are hard and taxing, but they aren't anything like his were. I have energy to cough with, he was weak. Perhaps my illness is a reminder for me of just sick Bruce was. Maybe it is nature's way of giving me a deeper understanding of how unselfish I became in the end for Bruce. Sedating him and relieving his pain and suffering was such a difficult thing for me to do. Yet, there was no getting well for him.
Today, we are to drive to the east side of Wisconsin for a baby shower this w/e for Ty and Wendy. I am torn. I want to go, I don't want to stay 'home alone'. I don't feel well. Abby encouraged me to make an appt. at the clinic. Maybe they can give me a miracle drug. I think it is just going to take time. We will see. I want it to just go away. I tried to give my illness a dealine last evening. I said to myself," after 6pm, I will no longer be sick!" It didn't work.
Thursday nights are 'The Office' and other great programs Bruce liked to watch. Ty suggested we make that our family night here at home. It was good to have the kids all here. I made up a pot of chicken and dumplings. I didn't cry in the soup, but I wanted to. As I was preparing it in the kitchen and all alone, I could hear Bruce's comments when he found out what I was preparing. He would have said, "That's wonderful, dear, wonderful, wonderul!!" He always complimented me. He loved to cook and eat. He learned to cook and to eat when he was a boy growing up on a Iowa farm. His mom was a nurse and also a darn good cook. Our kitchen isn't large at all, but it is where we would all congregate. In fact, we have an old 1/2 of a church pew in our kitchen that everyone sits on as the cooks are cooking. It seems very quiet these days in the kitchen. I guess that is something that will take time to getting used to. Have a good w/e.

Ice Luminaries

Good friends of ours who have also lost a loved one asked if they could make ICE LUMINARIES to put on Bruce's grave. I of course, said yes. The kids and I hadn't been up to the cemetary since the funeral. Yesterday, as I was out and running errands I drove up there by myself. It felt right. The cold, but bright sunny day and blue skies helped soften the brown clumps of frozen earth. The casket bouquet is frozen solid to the ground. The Ribbon that says, husband and dad fluttered in the breeze. I had a quick conversation with Bruce. " Hi baby " ... I had never called him baby, nor he call me that ever.. until he got sick. Then the last few weeks as I was caring for him, I found myself calling him Baby and Babydoll! He was requiring more care and perhaps subconcsiously it reminded me of caring for an infant that I loved.
Anyway... last evening the kids took me out to eat for Valentines Day. They came over to the house to congregate so that we could go in one car. We grabbed a couple of votives and matches and headed up to the cemetary. It was dark already. As we made our way up to Bruce's grave, the kids saw for the first time what I had seen earlier. We lit the candles and put them in the ice luminaries. It was really a cool sight. I had created a small bouquet of 6 pink carnations from the remains of a cut flower bouquet to represent our love for one another. As we stood for just a minute, the cold began to seep into our coats, so we all began to walk to the car. As Abby was climbing into the car she said, "Mom, listen to the radio - it's Dad's song!" Sure enough, the song we had selected to be played along with his video was on. It is the remix of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow and It's a Wonderful World' by some Hawaiian artist playing a ukelele. We had all been in the car together on our way up to the hospital in December when we had heard it played. It had made me cry then, as it did last night. Abby grabbed my hand and said, "Dad knows we are here mom, he is o.k." As we made our way out of the cemetary, I swallowed my tears, cut the sobs into and lifted my chin. We all kept our eyes on the ice luminaries glowing in the distance as we drove away. Even as we got up to the bypass we could see them briefly through the trees. The kids and I have decided this Ice Luminary thing is really a great idea. We are thankful for our friends, Deb and Pat who put them up there. They have also experienced a family loss. They know what might help soften the cold of winter - ICE!

The Day for Valentines

Yesterday, I went to our local Hallmark store to pick up more thankyou cards and also to get Valentines for our kids. The valentine section and the store itself had an unusual amount of men. As I was debating if I should get Bruce a Valentine card to put up on his gravesite, two guys were having a conversation back and forth - with me in the middle. One guy was rather close to me, the other about 10 feet away. It was GUY TALK; what a difficult task it was to find a card; harrassing one another about being in the store, etc.. Well, I just couldn't help but say something. In my calm, quiet voice I said to this guy in his 30's, "Do you know what I would do if I were you?" He was a little stunned that I was talking to him. He looked at me and said, "What?" I said, " I would go home, get out a blank sheet of lined paper and write her a love letter." He laughed a little and said, "That is a nice idea but I don't think I have the time." BINGO................he had said the magic word! I then had no choice but to tell him about Bruce. "My husband died last week, I am no longer going to be buying Valentines Cards for him. Time passes too quickly and before you know it they are gone." I had rocked him. He didn't know what to say, and I didn't either. I just said, "Well, have a Happy Valentines Day" and went to look at Angels.
Bruce used to write me love letters before we were married. I guess it is natural that guys do that sort of thing in the courtship phase of a relationship. Once they have their woman, it becomes unneccessary. He was a true romantic and definitely had a motive behind all of his moves! The kids if they are reading this would say, "Mom, this is enough information" at this point. He went through a phase of buying me Victoria's Secret Lingerie! yes, I have a entire drawer of the small lace attire, in all sorts of colors. Once I modeled it for Ty and Wendy and Bruce. (Over tights of course) For some reason, I just felt like a frump in these little pieces. He never felt that way at all. Therefore, at times...probably not often enough, I would appease him. It is what husbands and wives do. Right?

Well, beyond Romance and Roses, there is deep down love and affection. That, was the glue in our relationship. When I would get frustrated with his smoking, his stubborness (wanting to watch a sports program instead of something I also would enjoy) or his wanting to blame me for something that really wasn't my fault. I would just shrug, knowing that he deep down inside loved me more than the moon and stars. That he was my everything and that in the end..that is what would prevail. In the past 2 months, our conversations on what really matters - the deep stuff - were rare and limited. Oh, we talked about funeral arrangements and his medical care treatments. We talked about a television program or the kids. But, we didn't talk about our feelings. Only in the night, when we would be lying side by side, would he reach over and find me, patting me and say, " I love you so much honey" I would mimic his words adding - "ditto, today, tomorrow and forever!" Then I would reach back to him, or turn and wrap my arms around his withering stomach. Dying is difficult business. I am understanding now, that Bruce was working on dying at those times. Was I working on letting him go? I don't think I was. Well, anyway - just thoughts that are roaming in my head today.
The kids are taking me out for dinner this evening. We plan to go up to the Cemetary. We haven't been there yet. Our friends have put up an ICE LUMINARY. It has been cold enough. I will take a candle and light it. Hug the ones you love today. deb

What's in a date or a number?

After struggling for a few minutes to figure out how to get back into the website. (Lesson learned today: write down user name and pw somewhere!) I am now ready to post again. Thanks to my cuz'n in CR who is following my journey! Bruce's last Iowa Football game in November he will ever view from the stadium was with this cuz'n and her husband. We had a grand time. She and I sat in our season seats on the end zone, and Bruce and Steve sat on the 50 yard line just a few rows up. Compliments of Steve's work!! Bruce was in heaven for that game. As we were walking to the game from the parking garage, Bruce was ahead of me. We had climbed up a couple of flights of stairs out of the garage and were making our way to the stadium, all on a slight incline. He stopped, turned around and I saw in his eyes the struggle he was having. His eyes said, " I can't breathe, I can't get my breath, I need to use my inhaler!" It was a very scary look. I immediatly said," Bruce, are you alright?" he grabbed his inhaler out of his old brown leather jacket pocket, inhaled twice quickly, nodded and began walking again. That was Bruce. He was struggling with his breathing for months prior, BUT..he wouldn't let on, say anything or admit it. He was just too darn proud. After that happened, I shared with my cuz'n that I was worried about Bruce. He smoked, couldn't quit and that I had noticed his breathing was a lot more labored, especially the coughing on and off.
In our relationship, it was common that sometimes the most important things that should be talked about weren't. Health issues Bruce had was one of those subjects he didn't want to talk about. Now if there was a genie in a bottle that granted me one wish today. It would be that I could rewind our life and I would be a much more assertive and aggressive wife. Demanding that he take better care of himself.
Today is the dreaded thirteenth of the month. I am not really that much into numbers. Yet, Bruce was diagnosed on the 13th of December. So, in just two very short cold winter months, he lived, suffered and died. I am thankful that it was not long and drawnout. He would not have wanted it that way. As hard as it was to let him go, to let his mind be sedated, to let go of all that I knew Bruce was, I can't wish him back unless he were healed. He was not into being a burden to me. He never complained, unless I had an ailment; then of course he also had something similar, just a little worse. It was always just this little funny quirk he had. If I said I was exhausted, he was a little more exhausted.It is something he did - this I am going to miss. The kids would notice it too. We would just smile.
Lance showed up after work yesterday, started a fire in our woodburner and hung out with me last night. I wondered, if the kids had had a little talk. Who was going to go be with mom in the evenings? Since Abby is back at school in Rice Lake, I was planning on being here alone. We ate some leftovers and spent the evening together. I asked him, if he was assigned 'MOM DUTY' and he said, "No, mom, I thought of this all by myself, I want to be here!" What a great family I have.
Well, it is time for me to get dressed and get with it. The skies are gray today. I plan to divide up the cutflower bouquets and perhaps take the best of the best out to the hospital nurses station. When I worked in the hospital, it was always wonderful to hear good things from patient's families. I think I will write up a little letter, get a box of candy (nurses like that as well) and take out some flowers. A little appreciation to all of the staff, from the backdoor to the front door who knew us, cared for Bruce and supported our journey these past few months.
Fondly, deb

Deb After Bruce, AFter the Bridge

Well, here I am, on the Blog. A friend suggested I use this as the Bridge may have a time limit on it. Plus, I feel that I used the bridge for what it was supposed to be used for. So many of you have encouraged me to continue to write, that I decide I just might try it.

If you are reading this, then you are important to me. Something I said, or did affected you. I believe that the connections we make in this lifetime are meant to be. All things happen for a reason. I certainly don't have the answers, but I am willing to journey forward to discover more about myself. Our story touched many hearts and minds. I know it is because we are just your average run of the mill family. You could relate to what we were going through. I understand that. I have thought that same thought many times myself.

Well, it is dinner time, I am going to try to post this for the second time and then go to the caring bridge site, make a donation and direct anyone who might still be reading here. Please respond and or share something with me that you have had on your heart. This is going to be therapeutic, or it is just going to be. Whatever, if someone has a thought that lingers after being on this site..you feel better about yourself, your wife, husband, or child..NO matter what, then it was worth it. God Bless you..Deb