Tonight is just another night for many but for me it is significant. It has been a long day. I have been in a funk. I know that at midnight, after twelve bells, my spirit will rise again, probably occurring in my sleep, and as I wake to a new day, I will have regained my positive outlook on life.
Anniversaries of deaths have a way of doing that to a person. That is, putting them in a funk. For a few weeks now I have been preparing myself for this grand occasion. Out of necessity, out of love, out of the right thing to do I guess - how do you honor this day without turning into a blubbering big baby?
I began by attempting to make Ice Luminaries. I got this idea from good friends of ours who made them and had them out on Bruce's grave after his funeral. They went out nightly and lit them I believe. We went out on that first Valentines day as a family. It just seemed to have significant meaning to me, these ice luminaries. He died on a very cold day- represented by this ice. Yet, they are so beautiful to see when lit, ice and fire together.
So, in a one gallon ice cream container that I had filled with water (3 times) - then followed by a stint out in the coldest January for a long time - the water froze almost. It did bear some watching. It took about 9 hours (times 3) to freeze almost completely. The goal was that there would still be a liquid center, that I could break through. This inside hollowed area would be big enough for a candle. I made three of them this year, just in case one broke, my goal was to have 2 to take out to the grave today. I had been able to keep them outside on my front step until last weekend when the temperatures climbed to near 50degrees. By the time I got out to them, they were well on the way to melting! I salvaged two of them and stuck them in the freezer.
So, this morning I made my trek out to the cemetery early before work. With me, were the two ice luminaries and a container of votive candles and matches. I had emailed the kids yesterday to tell them of my plan to have these out on the grave, "just in case" they happen to be out there today. I haven't been out there since before Christmas. I just sometimes don't like going by myself. The kids and I have talked about it and their dad isn't out there! I know that too. But, today - I was paying my respect to him. I trudged out on the hard snow. There are many deep footprints in the snow that go up and over Bruce and around the back of him. Lance did attempt to change the batteries in the green light that is on his gravestone base at Christmas, but with the cold and who knows bad batteries, it isn't lit. I guess I will deal with that when spring comes. In my email to the kids, I told them I had two ice luminaries this year. Maybe next year, there will be three and every year after that another! I joked with them and said something like, just imagine when I am 80 ------- there will be 26 ice luminaries out on his grave. Imagining myself traipsing out there and diligently lighting all 25! I guess I have to make light of this day. Otherwise it just seems to suck badly!
There is much I miss. Tonight I was emptying the dishwasher and was reminded that Bruce almost always emptied it! He felt like he was really helping me, and he was. My kitchen isn't very big so you can almost empty the dishwasher standing still. I can still see him standing in the kitchen putting dishes away almost every afternoon when he would get home from work. Tomorrow is garbage day, and almost every week, I am again reminded of this task I have assumed since he is gone. I looked at the oil change label on the car windshield tonight. I have about 1000 miles to go before I need to have it changed. I will get the tires rotated this time too. On Sunday before the Superbowl, I went out and carried in another load of wood to start a fire. Heaving my canvas carrier with a wide stance, I slowly walked down the steps. if I am careful, I will have enough wood for several warm evenings. These are just a few of the things that he did and now I do.
I know that better days are ahead. I have a trip with 9 friends to Texas planned for later this month. In May I plan to go to California. There will be many moments spent with family. I am looking forward to warmer weather and spring time. Our widows group has really jelled, 13 women were over here on Friday for a wine tasting that included much laughter. Lance & Shayna have plans to move somewhere to find jobs out west after graduation and I hope I can be part of that process. I am very much considering a trip to Africa in the fall to see with my own eyes an orphan project I am supporting. There aren't many dull moments in my life.
So, to end on a high note, this will be my final blog. I have decided to close this chapter of my life on February 3, 2009. This process of grieving that I have been in and expressing through this blog has revealed much about me, my family and my thoughts. I did it because it felt right to do. Now I am quitting because it feels like it is the right thing to do. I want to move on. I am not sure how I am going to do that. But, I am ready to begin a new chapter. Maybe I will begin another blog, but for now - Deb After Bruce 2 years in the making says - Farewell, Godspeed and Thank You - to all who responded, supported me, shared your thoughts either via email, in person or not! My hope is that something I said along this journey I have been on impacted you in a positive way. And....if ever I can be of help to you or yours, know that I am just an email away.
debra.tokheim@sbcglobal.net
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Clear thoughts on the Good Life and de-cluttering
Last weekend I put away all of the Christmas decorations again. What a job this has become. There are a total of 5 large crates that contain this stuff! I love it, don't get me wrong - but, pushing those crates back into the closet felt really really good this time. And, since then - being in my home alone that has not gotten messed up too much - I am feeling - well - a sense of clarity - which somehow makes me feel in control.
Maybe this seems so on the front of my thoughts today because I passed time channel-flipping last night to a program called CLEAN HOUSE - which in essence is about people who have lost control of the contents inside of their home and have put out an SOS! And, a television show has been created to watch these people get help cleaning out the mess they have created. Inside this home, were piles of clothing, blankets, bedding, books, computers, etc..you name it - it was there. The lady evidently has a shopping problem and can not pass up a good deal.
First off, I am not here to judge how others live or keep their home. But, the irony of all of this is that in the past three weeks, I have mentioned a book to people - three times that is - titled,
I have never forgotten this book or that quote and I truly felt at the time I was living the good life! Even when my business wasn't exactly flourishing or 'successful' in the monetary end, I believed my life was about more than how much money I brought in. Perhaps I was justifying my circumstances at the time. But, in reality - I loved what I did, I loved our life, and I tried to enhance the lives of others daily. Well, I have again been thinking about this quote. Or, IT - has been popping into my consciousness a lot lately! Over, Christmas, I shared this quote with my nephew - who is an adventurer and seeker of seeing what lies beyond his backyard. As I shared the quote with him, he sat up straighter, and I could tell he was engaged. He wanted the title of the book. Then a one week later, I was visiting on the phone with a good friend. Our conversations always entail the usual -"how are you?"-stuff, but - she and I truly go deeper - sharing our happiness, our unhappiness, our frustrations, our sense of angst that seems to cause ripples of unease. She is one of my best prayer buddies. Her faith is strong and deep, she is a true servant of God. We are as different as night and day in many respects! She thinks in black and white, I think in gray. She is structured, I am unstructured. She doesn't feel she has an ounce of creativity and I seem to live in the world of make believe~ but we both feel that GOD placed us on the same path - to nudge one another, support each other and be there to lift, support and love one another. So...it was during our most recent conversation - that she shared this unsureness and signal for guidance again in her life. I brought up this book and it's quote and the title. She too, listened, asked about it more and planned to go find it.
And, now again - for the third time - yesterday, with my group of Widows who share the same life-raft I am on - I felt the nudging to discuss this book. Beyond the "good life" quote, it really is about LETTING GO! Letting go of stuff that keeps us from doing, but most importantly about letting us from being who we are truly meant to be. As I am rereading this book, it is uplifting me - out of Christmas - into the Epiphany of revealing what is to be; along with the clear cold nights, the stars that seem to shine so bright, the sharp cold air that I breathe in; all of this has helped me clear my thoughts and see! Maybe it is because of where I am at. It will soon be two years since Bruce died.
Lately, I have been doing some rereading of my original caringbridge writings. You see, I have been composing words and pictures in a book format since February 2007. It is nearly finished. For months, I wasn't able to work on it. I couldn't think clearly about it, but recently - since Christmas, since the declutter, since the cold snap and since revisiting this quote - I have felt a thought-stream happening in my head. This book I have titled Seasons of Love and it entails our ordeal, the year before and the year after Bruce died. I am making copies for my family members. I am very excited about it and can't wait to complete it. My goal is February 3, 2009! With the finishing up of this book, I believe I am letting go and moving forward in my life. I don't see this as letting go of Bruce nor of his memory. I know our love was real and have all of the memories to prove it. Rather, I am letting go of the things that have kept me stuck - that have held me back - I do feel stronger than ever before. But, in saying that - I am going to be cautious! I believe that serendipity is all around us. It just happens - but in those moments when we falter or life craps on us - we are to just look up and say, "yes - ok, I don't understand, but I know that I will be just that - OK!"
Well, again my thoughts, as clear as they can be on a January night in 2009 on the GOOD LIFE, De-cluttering and Letting Go! And, please don't waste a second watching that television show!
Maybe this seems so on the front of my thoughts today because I passed time channel-flipping last night to a program called CLEAN HOUSE - which in essence is about people who have lost control of the contents inside of their home and have put out an SOS! And, a television show has been created to watch these people get help cleaning out the mess they have created. Inside this home, were piles of clothing, blankets, bedding, books, computers, etc..you name it - it was there. The lady evidently has a shopping problem and can not pass up a good deal.
First off, I am not here to judge how others live or keep their home. But, the irony of all of this is that in the past three weeks, I have mentioned a book to people - three times that is - titled,
Repacking your Bagswith the subtitle being Lighten your Load for the Rest of your Life . I was given this book by my brother-in-law, Joel in 1996 to read. It was a turning point in his life and in mine. For me, I was beginning a new career. I read it in a flash and memorized the quote that became a sustaining force in my life. It was the definition of What is the Good Life? the authors of this book defined it as, "Living in the place you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work on purpose". It was simple, yet so profound and offered me a platform on which to live and build my life as I left my nursing career and went into uncharted waters of sales and management.
I have never forgotten this book or that quote and I truly felt at the time I was living the good life! Even when my business wasn't exactly flourishing or 'successful' in the monetary end, I believed my life was about more than how much money I brought in. Perhaps I was justifying my circumstances at the time. But, in reality - I loved what I did, I loved our life, and I tried to enhance the lives of others daily. Well, I have again been thinking about this quote. Or, IT - has been popping into my consciousness a lot lately! Over, Christmas, I shared this quote with my nephew - who is an adventurer and seeker of seeing what lies beyond his backyard. As I shared the quote with him, he sat up straighter, and I could tell he was engaged. He wanted the title of the book. Then a one week later, I was visiting on the phone with a good friend. Our conversations always entail the usual -"how are you?"-stuff, but - she and I truly go deeper - sharing our happiness, our unhappiness, our frustrations, our sense of angst that seems to cause ripples of unease. She is one of my best prayer buddies. Her faith is strong and deep, she is a true servant of God. We are as different as night and day in many respects! She thinks in black and white, I think in gray. She is structured, I am unstructured. She doesn't feel she has an ounce of creativity and I seem to live in the world of make believe~ but we both feel that GOD placed us on the same path - to nudge one another, support each other and be there to lift, support and love one another. So...it was during our most recent conversation - that she shared this unsureness and signal for guidance again in her life. I brought up this book and it's quote and the title. She too, listened, asked about it more and planned to go find it.
And, now again - for the third time - yesterday, with my group of Widows who share the same life-raft I am on - I felt the nudging to discuss this book. Beyond the "good life" quote, it really is about LETTING GO! Letting go of stuff that keeps us from doing, but most importantly about letting us from being who we are truly meant to be. As I am rereading this book, it is uplifting me - out of Christmas - into the Epiphany of revealing what is to be; along with the clear cold nights, the stars that seem to shine so bright, the sharp cold air that I breathe in; all of this has helped me clear my thoughts and see! Maybe it is because of where I am at. It will soon be two years since Bruce died.
Lately, I have been doing some rereading of my original caringbridge writings. You see, I have been composing words and pictures in a book format since February 2007. It is nearly finished. For months, I wasn't able to work on it. I couldn't think clearly about it, but recently - since Christmas, since the declutter, since the cold snap and since revisiting this quote - I have felt a thought-stream happening in my head. This book I have titled Seasons of Love and it entails our ordeal, the year before and the year after Bruce died. I am making copies for my family members. I am very excited about it and can't wait to complete it. My goal is February 3, 2009! With the finishing up of this book, I believe I am letting go and moving forward in my life. I don't see this as letting go of Bruce nor of his memory. I know our love was real and have all of the memories to prove it. Rather, I am letting go of the things that have kept me stuck - that have held me back - I do feel stronger than ever before. But, in saying that - I am going to be cautious! I believe that serendipity is all around us. It just happens - but in those moments when we falter or life craps on us - we are to just look up and say, "yes - ok, I don't understand, but I know that I will be just that - OK!"
Well, again my thoughts, as clear as they can be on a January night in 2009 on the GOOD LIFE, De-cluttering and Letting Go! And, please don't waste a second watching that television show!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Me, New You, New Year
Have you ever thought that each moment you are a new you? That the moment, second, minute, hour prior to this one in now in the past and just a part of your memory, your history and your life?
I have been having twink lings of this message for quite some time now. It has come along with the feeling that I am really O.K. again. And, actually that I am more O.K. than I have been in a long time and that I am even EXCITED about me being so O.K. about me!
Well, O.K. .... lets get on with this musing - as 2008 is past and before me and you is a fresh slate - a New Year - a new dawn - yes - ...
Little discoveries I have noticed about this message I am receiving have come in the way of my general disposition. I have left the anger, the sadness and the life sucks mode and have now entered into some new phase of being. It gives me a feeling of youth to some degree! And with that new bounce in my step is a sense of adventure, excitement and eagerness to step out into the world of life and be ready for what may come!
Perhaps it has to do with the 10minute Workout DVDs that I caved in and purchased one night while at Matts working! Yes, it was an infomercial. I watched and listened to these testimonials, seeing the flab, the fat and the sad forlorn-looks in the BEFORE pictures. And, then there were the new look AFTER pictures. I told myself - I didn't need this, I wouldn't use them - etc, etc. But - as the well planned testimonials got more touching and therefore more believing - the final one was the straw! Yes, there was a woman in her 50's whose life had been totally turned around by doing this daily 10 minute workout. The pictures proved it. She was even crying during the interview! That did it! I was sold! I told myself - "Deb, first of all - you are worth the $ - secondly - you have only about 10" per day to workout - and thirdly - it's your birthday! So....there!" I then picked up my cell phone and called! For the money I spent, I received 2 DVD's, a pair of resistance bands, two handles, a journal and of course the most important item - a measuring tape!
The first time I attempted to do this workout, my heart was racing after 40 seconds, I was sweating furiously and couldn't do half of what the instructors were doing or nearly as effortlessly at all! Let's put it this way! I am glad I live alone! I was so sore the next day - everywhere - I couldn't believe it! Really, was I in that bad of shape I asked myself? Yes, I did the measuring and the weighing and the journaling. I haven't done the workouts which include: cardio, total body, lower body, core, upper body, and yoga every day, but attempt to do it every other day! I have even added a second 10" workout on some days and can actually do some of these movements with some degree of finesse (OK, that's a lie, maybe with some degree of 50something adequacy!)
The infomercials claim was a one jean size drop in 10 days if you did this daily!
So.... I haven't done it daily, I haven't dropped a jean size, but - I do feel better about me. I did get the tape measure out again the other night - hoping to see inches that have somehow vaporized! Well, maybe if I hold the tape just a little tighter - or in a slightly different spot! It is too early anyway! right? Of course, the aches and pains haven't totally gone away - my left thumb joint is swollen and so sore that I can not really support myself when I am doing the military push ups and downward dog or whatever these calisthenics are called! But - I am trying. And....that is my message for today.
Each day, I want to try to be a better and new me. I have no idea what this New Year will bring. But, I do look forward to a new sunrise, a new day, a new blue sky, a new coat of snow, a new evening sky, new ideas, a new recipe, a new season of American Idol,and new friendships.
A recent article in the paper was about a 40-something mother who died of sarcoma on Christmas Eve. She had two small children. She was a writer and a blogger. She lived with her cancer for 17 months. I read the article with a compassionate heart, feeling for her husband, her children and for this being who touched so many lives. It was the quote she selected -if she should die, that she wanted her husband to post on her blog, lemmondrops.blogspot.com - that brought the tears to my eyes that day.
"And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."
— Raymond Carver
Happy New Year!
Fondly with Love,
Deb
I have been having twink lings of this message for quite some time now. It has come along with the feeling that I am really O.K. again. And, actually that I am more O.K. than I have been in a long time and that I am even EXCITED about me being so O.K. about me!
Well, O.K. .... lets get on with this musing - as 2008 is past and before me and you is a fresh slate - a New Year - a new dawn - yes - ...
Little discoveries I have noticed about this message I am receiving have come in the way of my general disposition. I have left the anger, the sadness and the life sucks mode and have now entered into some new phase of being. It gives me a feeling of youth to some degree! And with that new bounce in my step is a sense of adventure, excitement and eagerness to step out into the world of life and be ready for what may come!
Perhaps it has to do with the 10minute Workout DVDs that I caved in and purchased one night while at Matts working! Yes, it was an infomercial. I watched and listened to these testimonials, seeing the flab, the fat and the sad forlorn-looks in the BEFORE pictures. And, then there were the new look AFTER pictures. I told myself - I didn't need this, I wouldn't use them - etc, etc. But - as the well planned testimonials got more touching and therefore more believing - the final one was the straw! Yes, there was a woman in her 50's whose life had been totally turned around by doing this daily 10 minute workout. The pictures proved it. She was even crying during the interview! That did it! I was sold! I told myself - "Deb, first of all - you are worth the $ - secondly - you have only about 10" per day to workout - and thirdly - it's your birthday! So....there!" I then picked up my cell phone and called! For the money I spent, I received 2 DVD's, a pair of resistance bands, two handles, a journal and of course the most important item - a measuring tape!
The first time I attempted to do this workout, my heart was racing after 40 seconds, I was sweating furiously and couldn't do half of what the instructors were doing or nearly as effortlessly at all! Let's put it this way! I am glad I live alone! I was so sore the next day - everywhere - I couldn't believe it! Really, was I in that bad of shape I asked myself? Yes, I did the measuring and the weighing and the journaling. I haven't done the workouts which include: cardio, total body, lower body, core, upper body, and yoga every day, but attempt to do it every other day! I have even added a second 10" workout on some days and can actually do some of these movements with some degree of finesse (OK, that's a lie, maybe with some degree of 50something adequacy!)
The infomercials claim was a one jean size drop in 10 days if you did this daily!
So.... I haven't done it daily, I haven't dropped a jean size, but - I do feel better about me. I did get the tape measure out again the other night - hoping to see inches that have somehow vaporized! Well, maybe if I hold the tape just a little tighter - or in a slightly different spot! It is too early anyway! right? Of course, the aches and pains haven't totally gone away - my left thumb joint is swollen and so sore that I can not really support myself when I am doing the military push ups and downward dog or whatever these calisthenics are called! But - I am trying. And....that is my message for today.
Each day, I want to try to be a better and new me. I have no idea what this New Year will bring. But, I do look forward to a new sunrise, a new day, a new blue sky, a new coat of snow, a new evening sky, new ideas, a new recipe, a new season of American Idol,and new friendships.
A recent article in the paper was about a 40-something mother who died of sarcoma on Christmas Eve. She had two small children. She was a writer and a blogger. She lived with her cancer for 17 months. I read the article with a compassionate heart, feeling for her husband, her children and for this being who touched so many lives. It was the quote she selected -if she should die, that she wanted her husband to post on her blog, lemmondrops.blogspot.com - that brought the tears to my eyes that day.
"And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."
— Raymond Carver
Happy New Year!
Fondly with Love,
Deb
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