Today, the thoughts are pouring out onto the keyboard.
Yesterday, I had the dreaded procedure! The colonoscopy. It had been scheduled for December of 2006. But, Bruce had just been diagnosed. I couldn't deal with it at that time. It was time for me to deal with this. At least, I thought so. But...my butt thought differently. Being a nurse, I should not have any trouble with these procedures, but the closer I got to the day, the more I dreaded it and the more I didn't want to carry through with it. But, I did. With Abby's encouragement in her Bruce-like-nature-way...we joked as she dropped me off at the hospital. I knew what the outcome would be, a clean bill of health. And, it was just that!
As I waited and waited due to a logjam in the Outpatient Department, my nurse whom I have known visited with me. She has had Cancer herself. She knew about Bruce. She treaded softly until I brought up Bruce's name. Then, she gently began to talk to me about it. "How are you doing?" she asked with empathy. I had tears, my voice broke....but I wanted to talk to her about it. We spent time talking about her cancer, people we know who have cancer, our experiences with hospice and all sorts of stuff. It felt good. I do need to talk. I know that. As the Dr came in, whom I had never met before. He sat down to explain, answer questions, etc. I broke down, telling him that "I was having a bad moment". He immediately responded with empathy and concern. I explained how this too was a 'full circle' event. Since I had scheduled it the week in December that Bruce was diagnosed, it was significant that I now was going through with it...he immediately sensed my grief, reached for my hand and got a spark of memory look in his eyes. He had remembered my cancellation story back in December. This man, spent some precious time allowing me to be me. My respect for him soared in that moment.
I know that people worry about what to say and what not to say to women and men who have lost someone. I am finding out, there are few things that insult me. I would rather have someone ask in an uncomfortable way how I am doing, than to avoid the subject all together. I have had the wierdest things asked of me. I have had some people not think before speaking, but I know, that in their deepest inner being...they truly care about me. They just don't have the ability to put into words an appropriate way of speaking.Bruce did die of Lung cancer. It was because he smoked for years. I know that. I don't need people to remind me that seeing him have a cigarette is how they remember him. Since, he rarely smoked in front of me or others...it seems odd that someone would say that. And, someone has said that to me.
So, in ending this commentary on what to say and what not to say. SAY IT! If you aren't sure how to say it, then say that - "I really don't know how to say this, but I really want you to know how much I care!" Then...let the bereaved do the talking.
I know I am working on being a better listener. It wasn't one of my gifts I received. Listening and allowing someone to pour out their feelings is the best gift one can give to someone like me.
Thank you to all of you who have done just that. I count you as precious. Love, Deb
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Decisions
Today as I was writing a friend who lives in Virginia, I made the statement to her and will be bold enough to write it here, that I want to take two trips this fall. I want to visit both coasts! It isn't so important that I see the oceans. I want to see the friends and family who live on both coasts. And, more importantly... is that I am thinking again about my future plans.
You see, Bruce and I had just begun to make big plans for this fall-last fall. Our original plan was to take a fun trip to EUROPE with my sister and her husband. I can say they were and are one of our best couple-friends that we have/had. We have many couples that are in that same category. With Nancy and Steve, though...being family...and a few trips already under our belts together, we were really looking forward to this Fall. We had met in New Ulm, MN during their Octoberfest to begin to make plans. We were going to create our version of EUROPEAN VACATION...it would have been grand, full of laughs, circumstances and memories. Our last big trip together was to NEW YORK City. It was a blast. Bruce serenaded us one evening singing on the streets of New York, "If I were a Rich Man" on our way back to our hotel after a very delicious meal at Steve's favorite restaurant. We went out to Ellis Island which left a huge impression on all of us. We spent time talking about our ancestors. Anyway...lots of fun memories are swirling as I remember the fun times with this couple. After Bruce died, my sister, Nanc said to me, "Deb, I want for you and I to still go to Europe together this Fall". Since, her husband has recently taken on a new position with his company, it made sense for just her and I to go alone. I understand what she was trying to do, and I so appreciate it, but it is too soon. I know now that it is too early to do that. I am not ready to move that quickly into my new life. But,if I believe I can travel to both coasts...to stay with family and friends by myself...then maybe I will be ready to become more adventurous in the upcoming years.
Locally, not a day goes by that I don't hear from a close friend or one of my family who is checking in on me. I have been richly blessed! Not only did I have a 'regular life'...husband that loved me and I loved him, three healthy kids that grew up and became young adults with little trouble to us. And, much of our life, we did what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it with what we had. We also have had supportive family and friends. Today, I am thinking about my friends that live far away. Four in particular who have been constantly by me, walking beside me these past six months. Keeping in touch with me via email, sending me notes once in a while in the mail and calling me. Chris lives in California, Jackee lives in Virginia and Christy and Deb live in the midwest! These four strong women have had their own trials and tribulations.There is something about each one of them that is endearing and solid.
Chris and I were high-school cheerleaders together! I haven't seen her since high-school! Yes, that was a long time ago. Last summer,I saw her mother and asked for her email address. Little did I know at the time... that my contact with her would lead to our renewed friendship and it's impact on both of us. After she had heard about Bruce's illness, she called me and long phone conversations ensued. These talks have been so good for me. It feels like the good old days. Next week, she is coming back to Iowa, and I am I going too. She has already invited me out to her home in California. She doesn't know it yet, but I do plan to come. Maybe we can figure out a date and time when we are together next week.
Deb and I met in nursing school. Her dorm room was right across the hall from mine. We instantly connected then. We have stayed in touch throughout the years. Our friendship has never changed, not matter how much time is in between contact with one another. We just always pickup where we last left off. Christy and I met as young new moms. We were having babies on alternate years. We also worked together in a small community hospital. We made an awesome team. Two RN's at night alone...what she didn't think of, I might have. Everyone was in good hands when we worked together.
Jackee is my east coast friend. We may be the least alike. But, it is the opposites attract law that draws us even closer. We admire one another's strengths and we try to learn from one another to build up our weaknesses. She has been my biblical counselor. Many days and evenings we've spent sharing our faith steps with one another. We challenge one another to grow in areas that are weak for us.
These four women and I have something in common. That is our FAITH. Each of these believers have been desciples in my life. Leading, guiding, supporting and picking me up when I crumble. I can't thank them enough. I believe that the plans of my life have been laid out prior to my first breath. A greater presence had made sure that I will not be alone, not here on Earth. No matter where I go, someone will be there that cares. I know that Bruce's spirit watches over me, he is smiling knowing that I am carrying on. He is happy that I am making decisions. Today is a good day.
Every step I take..either forward or backward is necessary. I accept the fact that I am just me, waivering at times, slipping at times and moving forward at times. So...heres to onward and upward.
Deb
You see, Bruce and I had just begun to make big plans for this fall-last fall. Our original plan was to take a fun trip to EUROPE with my sister and her husband. I can say they were and are one of our best couple-friends that we have/had. We have many couples that are in that same category. With Nancy and Steve, though...being family...and a few trips already under our belts together, we were really looking forward to this Fall. We had met in New Ulm, MN during their Octoberfest to begin to make plans. We were going to create our version of EUROPEAN VACATION...it would have been grand, full of laughs, circumstances and memories. Our last big trip together was to NEW YORK City. It was a blast. Bruce serenaded us one evening singing on the streets of New York, "If I were a Rich Man" on our way back to our hotel after a very delicious meal at Steve's favorite restaurant. We went out to Ellis Island which left a huge impression on all of us. We spent time talking about our ancestors. Anyway...lots of fun memories are swirling as I remember the fun times with this couple. After Bruce died, my sister, Nanc said to me, "Deb, I want for you and I to still go to Europe together this Fall". Since, her husband has recently taken on a new position with his company, it made sense for just her and I to go alone. I understand what she was trying to do, and I so appreciate it, but it is too soon. I know now that it is too early to do that. I am not ready to move that quickly into my new life. But,if I believe I can travel to both coasts...to stay with family and friends by myself...then maybe I will be ready to become more adventurous in the upcoming years.
Locally, not a day goes by that I don't hear from a close friend or one of my family who is checking in on me. I have been richly blessed! Not only did I have a 'regular life'...husband that loved me and I loved him, three healthy kids that grew up and became young adults with little trouble to us. And, much of our life, we did what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it with what we had. We also have had supportive family and friends. Today, I am thinking about my friends that live far away. Four in particular who have been constantly by me, walking beside me these past six months. Keeping in touch with me via email, sending me notes once in a while in the mail and calling me. Chris lives in California, Jackee lives in Virginia and Christy and Deb live in the midwest! These four strong women have had their own trials and tribulations.There is something about each one of them that is endearing and solid.
Chris and I were high-school cheerleaders together! I haven't seen her since high-school! Yes, that was a long time ago. Last summer,I saw her mother and asked for her email address. Little did I know at the time... that my contact with her would lead to our renewed friendship and it's impact on both of us. After she had heard about Bruce's illness, she called me and long phone conversations ensued. These talks have been so good for me. It feels like the good old days. Next week, she is coming back to Iowa, and I am I going too. She has already invited me out to her home in California. She doesn't know it yet, but I do plan to come. Maybe we can figure out a date and time when we are together next week.
Deb and I met in nursing school. Her dorm room was right across the hall from mine. We instantly connected then. We have stayed in touch throughout the years. Our friendship has never changed, not matter how much time is in between contact with one another. We just always pickup where we last left off. Christy and I met as young new moms. We were having babies on alternate years. We also worked together in a small community hospital. We made an awesome team. Two RN's at night alone...what she didn't think of, I might have. Everyone was in good hands when we worked together.
Jackee is my east coast friend. We may be the least alike. But, it is the opposites attract law that draws us even closer. We admire one another's strengths and we try to learn from one another to build up our weaknesses. She has been my biblical counselor. Many days and evenings we've spent sharing our faith steps with one another. We challenge one another to grow in areas that are weak for us.
These four women and I have something in common. That is our FAITH. Each of these believers have been desciples in my life. Leading, guiding, supporting and picking me up when I crumble. I can't thank them enough. I believe that the plans of my life have been laid out prior to my first breath. A greater presence had made sure that I will not be alone, not here on Earth. No matter where I go, someone will be there that cares. I know that Bruce's spirit watches over me, he is smiling knowing that I am carrying on. He is happy that I am making decisions. Today is a good day.
Every step I take..either forward or backward is necessary. I accept the fact that I am just me, waivering at times, slipping at times and moving forward at times. So...heres to onward and upward.
Deb
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The Longest Day
June 21, 2007...as I was in my car this afternoon running errands, I wondered what I had done last June - one year ago - but more so, I wondered, what Bruce had done, how had he felt, was he beginning to not feel well and not say anything or not? I wondered why I hadn't cared to remember each day.
My Grandma Schutte, my father's mother, kept a diary every day! She could look back 1 month, 1 year, 10 years or more and find out what had happened on that day. It might have been only a 5 line entry in a 5 year diary...but she took the time to write down what had happened; where they had gone, what the weather was like, what she had accomplished. I have many of these old diaries of hers. She died when I was in 8th grade. She had dark hair, she dyed her hair too. I loved her! I was called 'LITTLE MYRTE ' after her... it was what made me me. Being a middle child and very independent, I needed something that connected ONLY ME...to something else. MY Grandma was an important part of my life. She was present weekly in those days. She and my Grandpa would come out to our farm almost daily in the summer time and 'help' out. She immediately would get the broom and sweep the kitchen floor! My mom wasn't insulted. She loved all of the help she could get.
Life was slower and simpler then, but somethings don't take that much time. That is, a moment to write down what happened.
Last night, Bruce's brother and wife were here for dinner. I showed him the BIBLE that belonged to HIS GRANDMA...his mother's mother. I had found it in Bruce's nightstand. Reading through this bible and all of the little pieces of paper it contained was a treasure trove of memories for Mike as well. Mike asked if he could have some paper to take some notes. I considered just telling him he could have it, but I thought again. There was a reason that is was in my home in the first place. We cared enough years ago when we were dividing up the 'STUFF' in their parent's home to keep this bible. Even though I hadn't opened it for years. It fascinated me. Had Bruce ever looked at it? I can't really tell you. I want to think, he had when we brought it home. He used to tell me he read the dictionary to keep himself entertained when he was growing up. Sometimes living out in the country can be boring. Sometimes boring is good. It makes one do things..like read the dictionary or lie on the grass and look at cloud formations. It makes one take time to think and wonder and ponder life's mysteries. That isn't all bad.
Today, I met a friend at the bank. We hadn't seen one another since the funeral. She earnestly asked me how I was doing. I had just come from the cemetary. On their way out of town, Bruce's brother and wife wanted to go there. As we were in the cemetary saying goodbye to one another, the tears began to flow. Then, 5 minutes later in the bank, my friend and I both welled up again. The love I know she has for her husband, is much like the love I have for Bruce...the sorrow I feel...the loss I have experienced...all married couples will go through one day. That hurts me to think that others will also have to endure the TILL DEATH DO WE PART. This, that I am experiencing isn't something new..women and men every day lose their partner. Life goes on, I know that. I just somehow must help myself move through this..I must think, and ponder and wonder. I call is ruminating. I do a lot of ruminating. chewing and rechewing my thoughts and feelings. It is through this that I feel I inch forward...
The sun has now set on this longest day. I remember, back in December...the Winter Solstice...6 months ago...the shortest day...I had begun to keep a journal starting on the 19th. Bruce had had his first CHEMO treatment that day. I wrote: First Chemo Appt with Toonen. We like th guy. Pet Scan results = Stage 4. It was no surprise. Chemo took 5 hours. Bruce did well. No side effects of chemo except being tired.
So much has happened in 6 months. My head spins to think about it. For instance, I have learned how to change the oil in my lawnmower, how to put on a new airfilter on the lawnmower after putting too much oil in it. I have learned how to fix my pool pump and light the pilot on the pool heater. I have learned how heavy a 40# bag of softner salt is. I have learned how to read insurance claims. I have learned that you must close your joint checking account when your husband dies. I have figured out how to charge the cordless drill and how to change bits.
Most importantly, I have learned that I will go on without Bruce. I need my family and friends. I want to be happy and productive. Life is worth living. BUT, I still miss him horribly. As I had a private conversation with him on the way to the cemetary, I asked him how he was. Just then, raindrops fell. I thought perhaps it was a sign that he was sad. But, I know he isn't. Bruce's spirit...would never be down. It lives, somewhere out there. I know!
Deb
My Grandma Schutte, my father's mother, kept a diary every day! She could look back 1 month, 1 year, 10 years or more and find out what had happened on that day. It might have been only a 5 line entry in a 5 year diary...but she took the time to write down what had happened; where they had gone, what the weather was like, what she had accomplished. I have many of these old diaries of hers. She died when I was in 8th grade. She had dark hair, she dyed her hair too. I loved her! I was called 'LITTLE MYRTE ' after her... it was what made me me. Being a middle child and very independent, I needed something that connected ONLY ME...to something else. MY Grandma was an important part of my life. She was present weekly in those days. She and my Grandpa would come out to our farm almost daily in the summer time and 'help' out. She immediately would get the broom and sweep the kitchen floor! My mom wasn't insulted. She loved all of the help she could get.
Life was slower and simpler then, but somethings don't take that much time. That is, a moment to write down what happened.
Last night, Bruce's brother and wife were here for dinner. I showed him the BIBLE that belonged to HIS GRANDMA...his mother's mother. I had found it in Bruce's nightstand. Reading through this bible and all of the little pieces of paper it contained was a treasure trove of memories for Mike as well. Mike asked if he could have some paper to take some notes. I considered just telling him he could have it, but I thought again. There was a reason that is was in my home in the first place. We cared enough years ago when we were dividing up the 'STUFF' in their parent's home to keep this bible. Even though I hadn't opened it for years. It fascinated me. Had Bruce ever looked at it? I can't really tell you. I want to think, he had when we brought it home. He used to tell me he read the dictionary to keep himself entertained when he was growing up. Sometimes living out in the country can be boring. Sometimes boring is good. It makes one do things..like read the dictionary or lie on the grass and look at cloud formations. It makes one take time to think and wonder and ponder life's mysteries. That isn't all bad.
Today, I met a friend at the bank. We hadn't seen one another since the funeral. She earnestly asked me how I was doing. I had just come from the cemetary. On their way out of town, Bruce's brother and wife wanted to go there. As we were in the cemetary saying goodbye to one another, the tears began to flow. Then, 5 minutes later in the bank, my friend and I both welled up again. The love I know she has for her husband, is much like the love I have for Bruce...the sorrow I feel...the loss I have experienced...all married couples will go through one day. That hurts me to think that others will also have to endure the TILL DEATH DO WE PART. This, that I am experiencing isn't something new..women and men every day lose their partner. Life goes on, I know that. I just somehow must help myself move through this..I must think, and ponder and wonder. I call is ruminating. I do a lot of ruminating. chewing and rechewing my thoughts and feelings. It is through this that I feel I inch forward...
The sun has now set on this longest day. I remember, back in December...the Winter Solstice...6 months ago...the shortest day...I had begun to keep a journal starting on the 19th. Bruce had had his first CHEMO treatment that day. I wrote: First Chemo Appt with Toonen. We like th guy. Pet Scan results = Stage 4. It was no surprise. Chemo took 5 hours. Bruce did well. No side effects of chemo except being tired.
So much has happened in 6 months. My head spins to think about it. For instance, I have learned how to change the oil in my lawnmower, how to put on a new airfilter on the lawnmower after putting too much oil in it. I have learned how to fix my pool pump and light the pilot on the pool heater. I have learned how heavy a 40# bag of softner salt is. I have learned how to read insurance claims. I have learned that you must close your joint checking account when your husband dies. I have figured out how to charge the cordless drill and how to change bits.
Most importantly, I have learned that I will go on without Bruce. I need my family and friends. I want to be happy and productive. Life is worth living. BUT, I still miss him horribly. As I had a private conversation with him on the way to the cemetary, I asked him how he was. Just then, raindrops fell. I thought perhaps it was a sign that he was sad. But, I know he isn't. Bruce's spirit...would never be down. It lives, somewhere out there. I know!
Deb
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Babies, Babydoll and Father's Day
I am exhausted, but feel good. I have accomplished a huge task today. It seemed impossible to some, but it has all fallen together.
It started sometime in April when I saw a 10pm local news feature on a preemie that was in need of home care nurses. He had been born 3 months early. (Oct 27) and due end of January. This news feature was right before Easter. His Dr's had OK'd him to go home with 24 hour nursing care. His lungs were so immature at birth, that he has had a few compications that develop with very premature babies. He needs assistance keeping all of those teeny tiny little air sacs open inside of his lungs. Also, he poops out breathing, therefore a machine is required to give him a few breaths now and then. (20/minute in fact- a newborn breathes 30-60 breaths per minute) He started out at not quite 1.5#!
Back in April, I couldn't stop thinking about this baby. After Easter weekend, I looked up the tv station on the internet and reread the newsbrief on him, found his parents name - then I looked up their name in the phone book, gave them a call and asked if they had home care in place yet. The baby's mother told me that a home care agency out of the Twin Cities had said they would help find nurses. Let me tell you -It is a very difficult task. Out here in Western Wisconsin, finding nurses who will drive from the twin cities 1 hour to care for a baby...is not easy. BUT... because I am an Independent - already a Private Duty nurse ... I knew how to go about setting up home care. This is what I have been doing for years with my other patient - Matt.
I explained a bit of this to the mother and asked if I could come up to the hospital to visit. She was excited and cautious. I then, called a dear friend who has been with Matt for many years. She was looking for more work, is an excellant nurse and fills in the details of my gaps. ( we make a good team ) She was excited too. Then, we both went up to the hospital to visit this darling little baby with great big brown eyes and his parents.
We both knew from the get-go that it was meant to be. That this was more than just a patient and nurse relationship. Call me what you want, but God is directing my life. He is orchestrating my every move. He knew what I needed at just the right time to help me grieve, help me move through my grief and help me live again. The word that kept coming into my thoughts about this baby was that I was "compelled" to call, to go see and to act. Webster's definition says compel is a "power influence - to force or drive especially in a course of action". Now I am wondering if it is this tiny little now 13 pound baby that is 'driving MS DEB'. Well, whoever is in the driver's seat...it has affected me greatly.
Between a newspaper ad, some word of mouth between excellant homecare nurses that I know and trust and then a few last minute GOD SENT Nurse (angels)...it has all come together. Back in April, when the mother was being interviewed, she wanted to get her baby home by "MOTHER'S DAY". Being a mom, being a nurse of preemie babies, I understood her desires. As my friend, Nancy and I made our first home visit in early May...we stood at their door saying goodbye and I broke the news to these first time young parents who have been through more angst than most people go through in an entire lifetime. I said, "I can't get your baby home by Mother's day for you, but our goal is going to be FATHER's DAY!" I saw her deflated look. I couldn't do anyhing about it.
So, today, I arrived at their home at 7am, and began getting all of his supplies ready for him and in a place that will be functional. Then the three of us left for the one hour ride to the hospital. Their son has been a patient there for 7 months. They could not believe the day had finally arrived that we were bringing him home. It was quite an ordeal! Friendships with nurses and medical staff have been made over this time frame. Their son was probably one of the OLDEST patients in Newborn Intensive Care. Nurses streamed into his room to say goodbye and have their pictures taken with him. Their primary nurse, Vicki...was invited to come along in the ambulance for the trip home to Wisconsin. With monitors, a ventilator, oximeters,oxygen, and a crew of 3 + myself and Vicki and the mother who got to ride up front; This little baby got to come home FINALLY! In his carseat, with his big brown eyes, he looked around and couldn't quite figure out just what was going down. Considering the length of time it has been since I have cared for a preemie on a vent, it came back to me like riding a bike. I had no fears, I felt at ease. I wonder why? I think I know.
Watching these two new parents with their baby finally at home in his own room, in his own crib is the reason I do what I do.
As Bruce got sicker and sicker in that last month of his life, the month that this little baby was supposed to be born...I began to call Bruce, baby...and babydoll when I would be doing something for him. I was aware of my words. They were words I hadn't used with him before, yet - they seemed so appropriate to use. What is or was the connection? I don't know, I never will know in this lifetime, yet ... I wonder.
I am so excited that my promise to these parents to get their baby home by Father's Day ...that goal...actually was met! I believe that God is watching over me. He knows how important certain things are to me and to you. He orchestrates our lives IF we allow him to, to meet our most inner needs. The hardest part in all of life is allowing ourselves to trust our GOD. Trust those heartfelt messages that tug, pull at out heart, and come into our thoughts.
I will be with my new grandbaby on Father's Day. Watching my son be a father will keep me preoccupied. Yes, I can't help but miss Bruce these days. He didn't really care if he got a gift on this day. What he wanted most was for his family to be there ALL TOGETHER...with him. We will be all together and we all know he is with us in spirit.
Like a chapter in a book, I feel like I have started another chapter in my life. Not only with this little bundle of a patient that I am caring for, but also with my new baby granddaughter. I look at her and see so many parts of Bruce. Her little expressions and features remind me of him. NO, I haven't forgotten him or gotten through my grief. But, life is a bit easier on a scale of 1-10 these days. Tears still stain my cheeks. I still worry that someone may know that I just had a crying session by myself before I meet up with them. I still don't want to go places alone. I still say at bedtime and upon awakening,"Good night Bruce, I love you honey!" But, I am functioning, I am moving forward and I am living ON PURPOSE.
Happy Father's Day to all of the men out there who might read my words. You are important to your children, no matter what their age. And as I close this posting, I think of my own father. I got to see him last evening. MY brother graciously FLEW our folks up from Iowa for a two hour visit with their newest GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER. I watched my father as he tenderly held this newest life form. His large aged hands gently touched Avery's little hand. I have captured it in my memory. My dad still is so prescious to me. He has had a long and happy life. He has touched many hearts. He will never be forgotten. God Bless him and Thank you dad for being you. I love you.
Debra Gail Schutte Tokheim, the "middle one" out of five children of Gail and Mary Jean Schutte from Shady Grove - Jesup, Iowa.
It started sometime in April when I saw a 10pm local news feature on a preemie that was in need of home care nurses. He had been born 3 months early. (Oct 27) and due end of January. This news feature was right before Easter. His Dr's had OK'd him to go home with 24 hour nursing care. His lungs were so immature at birth, that he has had a few compications that develop with very premature babies. He needs assistance keeping all of those teeny tiny little air sacs open inside of his lungs. Also, he poops out breathing, therefore a machine is required to give him a few breaths now and then. (20/minute in fact- a newborn breathes 30-60 breaths per minute) He started out at not quite 1.5#!
Back in April, I couldn't stop thinking about this baby. After Easter weekend, I looked up the tv station on the internet and reread the newsbrief on him, found his parents name - then I looked up their name in the phone book, gave them a call and asked if they had home care in place yet. The baby's mother told me that a home care agency out of the Twin Cities had said they would help find nurses. Let me tell you -It is a very difficult task. Out here in Western Wisconsin, finding nurses who will drive from the twin cities 1 hour to care for a baby...is not easy. BUT... because I am an Independent - already a Private Duty nurse ... I knew how to go about setting up home care. This is what I have been doing for years with my other patient - Matt.
I explained a bit of this to the mother and asked if I could come up to the hospital to visit. She was excited and cautious. I then, called a dear friend who has been with Matt for many years. She was looking for more work, is an excellant nurse and fills in the details of my gaps. ( we make a good team ) She was excited too. Then, we both went up to the hospital to visit this darling little baby with great big brown eyes and his parents.
We both knew from the get-go that it was meant to be. That this was more than just a patient and nurse relationship. Call me what you want, but God is directing my life. He is orchestrating my every move. He knew what I needed at just the right time to help me grieve, help me move through my grief and help me live again. The word that kept coming into my thoughts about this baby was that I was "compelled" to call, to go see and to act. Webster's definition says compel is a "power influence - to force or drive especially in a course of action". Now I am wondering if it is this tiny little now 13 pound baby that is 'driving MS DEB'. Well, whoever is in the driver's seat...it has affected me greatly.
Between a newspaper ad, some word of mouth between excellant homecare nurses that I know and trust and then a few last minute GOD SENT Nurse (angels)...it has all come together. Back in April, when the mother was being interviewed, she wanted to get her baby home by "MOTHER'S DAY". Being a mom, being a nurse of preemie babies, I understood her desires. As my friend, Nancy and I made our first home visit in early May...we stood at their door saying goodbye and I broke the news to these first time young parents who have been through more angst than most people go through in an entire lifetime. I said, "I can't get your baby home by Mother's day for you, but our goal is going to be FATHER's DAY!" I saw her deflated look. I couldn't do anyhing about it.
So, today, I arrived at their home at 7am, and began getting all of his supplies ready for him and in a place that will be functional. Then the three of us left for the one hour ride to the hospital. Their son has been a patient there for 7 months. They could not believe the day had finally arrived that we were bringing him home. It was quite an ordeal! Friendships with nurses and medical staff have been made over this time frame. Their son was probably one of the OLDEST patients in Newborn Intensive Care. Nurses streamed into his room to say goodbye and have their pictures taken with him. Their primary nurse, Vicki...was invited to come along in the ambulance for the trip home to Wisconsin. With monitors, a ventilator, oximeters,oxygen, and a crew of 3 + myself and Vicki and the mother who got to ride up front; This little baby got to come home FINALLY! In his carseat, with his big brown eyes, he looked around and couldn't quite figure out just what was going down. Considering the length of time it has been since I have cared for a preemie on a vent, it came back to me like riding a bike. I had no fears, I felt at ease. I wonder why? I think I know.
Watching these two new parents with their baby finally at home in his own room, in his own crib is the reason I do what I do.
As Bruce got sicker and sicker in that last month of his life, the month that this little baby was supposed to be born...I began to call Bruce, baby...and babydoll when I would be doing something for him. I was aware of my words. They were words I hadn't used with him before, yet - they seemed so appropriate to use. What is or was the connection? I don't know, I never will know in this lifetime, yet ... I wonder.
I am so excited that my promise to these parents to get their baby home by Father's Day ...that goal...actually was met! I believe that God is watching over me. He knows how important certain things are to me and to you. He orchestrates our lives IF we allow him to, to meet our most inner needs. The hardest part in all of life is allowing ourselves to trust our GOD. Trust those heartfelt messages that tug, pull at out heart, and come into our thoughts.
I will be with my new grandbaby on Father's Day. Watching my son be a father will keep me preoccupied. Yes, I can't help but miss Bruce these days. He didn't really care if he got a gift on this day. What he wanted most was for his family to be there ALL TOGETHER...with him. We will be all together and we all know he is with us in spirit.
Like a chapter in a book, I feel like I have started another chapter in my life. Not only with this little bundle of a patient that I am caring for, but also with my new baby granddaughter. I look at her and see so many parts of Bruce. Her little expressions and features remind me of him. NO, I haven't forgotten him or gotten through my grief. But, life is a bit easier on a scale of 1-10 these days. Tears still stain my cheeks. I still worry that someone may know that I just had a crying session by myself before I meet up with them. I still don't want to go places alone. I still say at bedtime and upon awakening,"Good night Bruce, I love you honey!" But, I am functioning, I am moving forward and I am living ON PURPOSE.
Happy Father's Day to all of the men out there who might read my words. You are important to your children, no matter what their age. And as I close this posting, I think of my own father. I got to see him last evening. MY brother graciously FLEW our folks up from Iowa for a two hour visit with their newest GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER. I watched my father as he tenderly held this newest life form. His large aged hands gently touched Avery's little hand. I have captured it in my memory. My dad still is so prescious to me. He has had a long and happy life. He has touched many hearts. He will never be forgotten. God Bless him and Thank you dad for being you. I love you.
Debra Gail Schutte Tokheim, the "middle one" out of five children of Gail and Mary Jean Schutte from Shady Grove - Jesup, Iowa.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Isn't she just "SOMETHING?"
Well, I have been a grandmother for three weeks and I am simply loving it! Our little bundle has acclimated herself to her mommy. Wendy has taken to motherhood like an old pro! I am so dang proud of her. Avery must be like her daddy! He can relax very well, and so can she. I can't believe how she puts up with his antics. ( loud drumming noises he makes and throwing her around like she is a pound puppy) She is getting to know her grandma P who has been visiting from Sheboygan. She has won the hearts of her Uncle Lance who nuzzles her with his beard and her Aunt Abby who wants to already teach her to dance. Many of Ty's bachelor friends are getting acquainted with this new soft little pink being who has nestled into their hearts. Now I am wondering if this might speed along some of their future plans?...
And then there is me. I think of her often throughout the day. I have had converstations with Bruce in my head and outloud on how wonderful she is. I can hear his remarks, his laugh, see his pride beaming as he watches as I watch our firstborn be a DADDY. I know that tears would have filled Bruce's eyes as they have mine as we see this evolution of human-ness take place. I am trying to stay away and give them lots of space, esp. since the other Grandma is here. I have found many excuses to go visit (take them some food) and they did come over on Sunday for the first time to GrandmaT's house for lunch. Some of our friends called and said they were going to go visit, so of course, I found time to go along and be proud as a peach as they oogled and awed at this beautiful baby. I said to my friend, Deb last pm as she was holding her; "Isn't she just something?" and she said, "yes, she really is!"
THis morning, as I drove over to Baldwin for the day, I couldn't help be filled with all sorts of emotions. First there is this beautiful day just staring at me through the windshield. We are so fortunate to live in Western Wisconsin. It truly is scenic America, it too is 'Something'...
Lance gave me the PLANET EARTH DVD's for Mother's Day. If you haven't seen this series on PBS, check them out. We have spent hours viewing these beautiful films on our planet and it's wonders. It too is 'something'!
Sometimes, we let some things get in our way of seeing the real picture. Today, think about the things in your life that cause you to exclaim, "Isn't that just something else!" and count your many blessings. Deb
And then there is me. I think of her often throughout the day. I have had converstations with Bruce in my head and outloud on how wonderful she is. I can hear his remarks, his laugh, see his pride beaming as he watches as I watch our firstborn be a DADDY. I know that tears would have filled Bruce's eyes as they have mine as we see this evolution of human-ness take place. I am trying to stay away and give them lots of space, esp. since the other Grandma is here. I have found many excuses to go visit (take them some food) and they did come over on Sunday for the first time to GrandmaT's house for lunch. Some of our friends called and said they were going to go visit, so of course, I found time to go along and be proud as a peach as they oogled and awed at this beautiful baby. I said to my friend, Deb last pm as she was holding her; "Isn't she just something?" and she said, "yes, she really is!"
THis morning, as I drove over to Baldwin for the day, I couldn't help be filled with all sorts of emotions. First there is this beautiful day just staring at me through the windshield. We are so fortunate to live in Western Wisconsin. It truly is scenic America, it too is 'Something'...
Lance gave me the PLANET EARTH DVD's for Mother's Day. If you haven't seen this series on PBS, check them out. We have spent hours viewing these beautiful films on our planet and it's wonders. It too is 'something'!
Sometimes, we let some things get in our way of seeing the real picture. Today, think about the things in your life that cause you to exclaim, "Isn't that just something else!" and count your many blessings. Deb
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Pink Balloons and Breathing - Inspirations
Our little grandbaby arrived on Monday morning, June 4 at 5:24AM. What a rush of feelings I have felt over the past few days. As Wendy went over her due date, we all sat on needles and pins, waiting. She had gone over Memorial Day, the Blue MOON and now the 3rd of June was fast approaching. That was the 4 month anniversary of Bruce's death, I wondered if it would be then. Why these numbers seems so significant I am not sure, but maybe it is just our psyche trying to make sense of death and now birth!
Well, let me tell you! I am thrilled to pieces and so relieved that little AVERY JOY came into this world healthy, pink and BIG! Weighing in at 8# 3oz, she was a big surprise to all of us! I had been thinking all along it was a girl, but my prediction was that she was going to be about 7#'s. She has the look of my own babies. A little round face, nice shape to her head now that the cone-head has gone away. And, her HAIR..has signs of being RED..not carrot red like her Uncle Lance, but an auburn red like her daddy or Aunt Meghan. RIght away, all of us could see Grandpa Bruce in her. Her round face, her little facial expressions, how she holds her mouth open when she breathes. Maybe again, my mind is trying to find similarities. Time will tell, won't it?
I couldn't help it, I had to include Bruce in our celebration. I have taken pink balloons out to the cemetary and attached them to the wooden windchimes out there. I told the kids what I had done. And, as Abby and I were in the car coming home from the hospital yesterday, she craned her neck to see if she could spot them from the road. Yes, we all are thinking of him this week. How we miss him, how we would have liked to have him hold his little grandbaby girl. How he would have said how proud he was of "Wendolyn" and how he would have shed a tear or pride, watching his first son on this grand accomplishment in being a dad. He wouldn't have stayed at the hospital all night like I did. ( No one was going to tell me to go home! nor did they...and I tried hard not to be a pest .. nurse, former Lamaze childbirth instructor, etc. etc.) BUT...Bruce would have come for the early morning C-section that happened due to failure to progress. He would have paced and waited with me and Abby in the room. And, finally when we all heard Ty's voice and his laugh as he wheeled his baby girl back to the room to get weighed. All of us would have cried, laughed, oogled and awed in delight. Yes...I know...Bruce was there in spirit and in some form, right there beside me...but it is so HARD. I miss his physical presence at these important moments.
Holding little AVery, smelling her newness and watching her little facial expressions definitely helps. Wendy and Ty are being so good to let me come get my Grandmother FIXes. Wendy's mom will be arriving tomorrow for a week with her. I am so happy she is coming and can absorb all of this new experience too. Mother, daughter and granddaughter need to be together. I do plan to stay away as much as I can. I have said, if I have to be tied inside my home for the week, I will. It is important for Grandma P. to have time alone too. Since she doesn't live close, she deserves to savor ALL of the moments and time she can without me HOVERING!
I have been thinking about BREATHING this week. How little AVERY had to take her first big breaths and how difficult that must be as a baby enters this world of physical life. She was a little 'gunky and wet - sounding ' she had to cry and work on clearing out the fluid that had been part of her surroundings in utero. I think of Bruce how in the end, his breathing was so labored. And as he struggled with each breath to leave this world ... it is in reverse of how we enter it. And then there are the children I have cared for who have needed assistance in breathing. My nursing career started in a newborn intensive care helping premature babies survive. For twenty years, I have cared for Matt who doesn't breathe at all on his own, relying on a machine for every breath and good nursing care too! But, he is such an INSPIRATION to all who meet him. And now, in one week, I will be helping another little baby boy who was born too early, come home! He is 7 months old. He also needs help learning to breathe. What is it about breathing-in and out- that has been such a part of my life?
Over the years, I have been told that an asset I have is that I INSPIRE others. I didn't really realize now that it is beyond the words I write that I do this. I really do help others BREATHE. Yet, the person I loved most in this world, had difficulty breathing. Making sense of this is just not suppose to be. Not yet anyway.
SIGHING ... I just found myself sighing as I re-read that last paragraph.. sighing is expiring..breathing out...dying to expire.
Times up - it has expired on this blog! Hope you have enjoyed these thoughts on inspiration!
Granny Deb
Well, let me tell you! I am thrilled to pieces and so relieved that little AVERY JOY came into this world healthy, pink and BIG! Weighing in at 8# 3oz, she was a big surprise to all of us! I had been thinking all along it was a girl, but my prediction was that she was going to be about 7#'s. She has the look of my own babies. A little round face, nice shape to her head now that the cone-head has gone away. And, her HAIR..has signs of being RED..not carrot red like her Uncle Lance, but an auburn red like her daddy or Aunt Meghan. RIght away, all of us could see Grandpa Bruce in her. Her round face, her little facial expressions, how she holds her mouth open when she breathes. Maybe again, my mind is trying to find similarities. Time will tell, won't it?
I couldn't help it, I had to include Bruce in our celebration. I have taken pink balloons out to the cemetary and attached them to the wooden windchimes out there. I told the kids what I had done. And, as Abby and I were in the car coming home from the hospital yesterday, she craned her neck to see if she could spot them from the road. Yes, we all are thinking of him this week. How we miss him, how we would have liked to have him hold his little grandbaby girl. How he would have said how proud he was of "Wendolyn" and how he would have shed a tear or pride, watching his first son on this grand accomplishment in being a dad. He wouldn't have stayed at the hospital all night like I did. ( No one was going to tell me to go home! nor did they...and I tried hard not to be a pest .. nurse, former Lamaze childbirth instructor, etc. etc.) BUT...Bruce would have come for the early morning C-section that happened due to failure to progress. He would have paced and waited with me and Abby in the room. And, finally when we all heard Ty's voice and his laugh as he wheeled his baby girl back to the room to get weighed. All of us would have cried, laughed, oogled and awed in delight. Yes...I know...Bruce was there in spirit and in some form, right there beside me...but it is so HARD. I miss his physical presence at these important moments.
Holding little AVery, smelling her newness and watching her little facial expressions definitely helps. Wendy and Ty are being so good to let me come get my Grandmother FIXes. Wendy's mom will be arriving tomorrow for a week with her. I am so happy she is coming and can absorb all of this new experience too. Mother, daughter and granddaughter need to be together. I do plan to stay away as much as I can. I have said, if I have to be tied inside my home for the week, I will. It is important for Grandma P. to have time alone too. Since she doesn't live close, she deserves to savor ALL of the moments and time she can without me HOVERING!
I have been thinking about BREATHING this week. How little AVERY had to take her first big breaths and how difficult that must be as a baby enters this world of physical life. She was a little 'gunky and wet - sounding ' she had to cry and work on clearing out the fluid that had been part of her surroundings in utero. I think of Bruce how in the end, his breathing was so labored. And as he struggled with each breath to leave this world ... it is in reverse of how we enter it. And then there are the children I have cared for who have needed assistance in breathing. My nursing career started in a newborn intensive care helping premature babies survive. For twenty years, I have cared for Matt who doesn't breathe at all on his own, relying on a machine for every breath and good nursing care too! But, he is such an INSPIRATION to all who meet him. And now, in one week, I will be helping another little baby boy who was born too early, come home! He is 7 months old. He also needs help learning to breathe. What is it about breathing-in and out- that has been such a part of my life?
Over the years, I have been told that an asset I have is that I INSPIRE others. I didn't really realize now that it is beyond the words I write that I do this. I really do help others BREATHE. Yet, the person I loved most in this world, had difficulty breathing. Making sense of this is just not suppose to be. Not yet anyway.
SIGHING ... I just found myself sighing as I re-read that last paragraph.. sighing is expiring..breathing out...dying to expire.
Times up - it has expired on this blog! Hope you have enjoyed these thoughts on inspiration!
Granny Deb
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