I have been looking at pictures from the last couple of years that are on my computer for some projects I am working on. I found some great photos I took of some poinsetta plants that Bruce had received as gifts while he was hospitalized. The photos I can't stop thinking about are the ones I took of the undersides of their leaves. You see, I had taken them to the kitchen sink for a watering, and the morning light was shining in our southern kitchen window. I remember thinking how pretty the sunlight was on the red varigated leaves and wanting to capture the sunlight streaming in the window. I took several of the plant sitting on my counter trying to get this idea just right and eventually found myself squatting and focused on the undersides of this plant seeing the sunlight as it diffused through these leaves, and wanting to capture it as well.
So, as I have been looking at photos it is these photos of the underneath sides that seem to keep coming into my mind's view. They are beautiful. The transparency of the leaves allows the sunlight to filter through. All parts of the leaves are then highlighted. So much more so, than just looking at them from on top! I can't help but ask myself why I am thinking about them. And, as it goes, this mind of mine begins to build on this concept that perhaps there is a real message or life lesson that is waiting for me to learn. This unique style of looking at one's life isn't strange to me, it somehow makes sense that I am focusing on what lies underneath the beauty of life. I am not thinking of Hell by no means, but instead the beauty of what we don't focus on in our daily lives is an ever present thought for me. And, perhaps it is because, I didn't see the real beauty in what was underneath it all but instead grumbled at some aspects of my life with Bruce.
There are many moments in our many years of marriage that would fit into a category of non-important, not-beautiful, and even half-annoying. I am thinking about our bedroom right now. And, just how much I miss changing our bedsheets every week! It was a routine that we had. You see, Bruce had VERY DRY SKIN. He had body dandruff - especially in the winter. No matter how much he lotioned and greased up, our bed was a dust-bowl especially if the sheets didn't get changed weekly. Having wood floors in our bedroom, it too became a haven for white dust, intertwined with my dark hair and lint. Each week it would get swept and dusted throughly. I even went so far as to take our bedding outside weekly to shake and air out the blankets and down comforter. Dragging these blankets through the house to the deck, I would grovel at this task. Yet, it was necessary to do. And, each week when we climbed into these fresh clean sheets, it was a night we always would comment on just how good our bed felt! Bruce would lovingly tease me that we needed to break them in! Yes, this bantor between husband and wife happens in all households, don't let anyone tell you it doesn't. So....the rest of the story can be left to your imagination...and then that too is reality in all couples lives.
Yes, this weekly changing of the sheets in the Tokheim master bedroom was something we did together. On whatever day I was home and while Bruce was showering and getting ready for work, I would pull off the old sheets, have shaken and reversed the feather bed and would have shaken the blankets outside and have everything ready to be put on by the time he was ready for work. Then, with him on his side of the bed, and me on my side, we made the bed together. He got so good a square-corners! I miss him helping me make the bed. I miss his bantor, I miss him in bed, yes - I miss him still.
I even miss the dust, the weekly routine of changing sheets. I sleep in 1/4 of our bed. I am finding myself migrating very slightly toward the center, but on most mornings, his half of the bed is still perfect. Now my changing of sheets is down to monthly. Yes, I could do it more often, but it isn't nearly as fun. Yet, I didn't think it was fun then. And, that is what I am talking about. The tasks, the moments that didn't seem quite perfect when he was alive seem to be an important lesson for me now. That is what I believe is underneath it all.
In watching this little baby lately, and changing numerous diapers, I can't help but love ALL of her! She has the cutest little buns! Even when they are all messed with baby-pooh! Even when she spits all over everything, including Grandma - she is precious. There are still dust-bunnies underneath my bed, there is less, but it is still there along with a pack-n-play crib.
I believe that the poinsetta photo I took while Bruce was lingering alive downstairs underneath me demonstrated that light shines through into all aspects of my life. It has given me a clearer picture of how things were and are. And how God is continually working in my life to lighten my load, light my path and demonstrate the beauty in even the mundane parts of my life. Although it might not seem to be transparent, our lives mirror just a leaf. There are two sides to looking at everything. This is what I am being reminded of today.
Have a beautiful day. Deb
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Women Left Behind
Last Saturday, a group of 18 women with one thing in common came together for a morning of conversation. Their common denominator is that they are now alone, they have been left behind after their husband has passed.
This gathering evolved in my mind shortly after Bruce's funeral. It was during the visitation on that bitterly cold Thursday evening in February that I noticed all of the women who also knew what I was going through. They had come out on that cold evening to support me. They knew what I was and would be going through. Their eyes spoke volumes as brief condolences were spoken. I couldn't get them out of my mind. I felt embarrassed that I hadn't been as supportive of them during their loss as they were being to me. I hadn't even gone to many of their husband's visitations or funerals. Some, I hadn't even sent a card to! How awful I felt, yet here were these women. At least six that I could count came out to support me!
As I spoke to my good friend who also had lost her husband, she too said she had been thinking about forming a local group. And, when another friend, also a widow called and invited me for coffee because she had a book she had ordered for me - it became clear that the three of us would someday form a local group.
We began by just thinking and making a list of the women we each personally knew who was about our age (give or take 20 years) who were in our same LIFEBOAT. In the beginning the three of us decided we weren't a counseling group. We were going to be a SOCIAL group. We want to inject laughter and fun into our lives and offer support to women we know who are going through this chapter of their life as well.
It was a great success. As each lady introduced herself and how long it had been and other details were expressed. No matter if it had been 14 years or 11 weeks, we each knew a little about how our lives paralleled one another. There were tears and raw emotion at times, intermingled with laughter and more jokes. New friendships have already begun to form. Ideas for small and large group social outings are forming as is a newsletter and email with resources and ideas that will be shared.
We have all discovered that life is too short. Women are social beings. From the days of gathering berries somewhere on this planet to todays harried lifestyle, we need other women in our lives. No time is more critical than when we no longer have the man we loved present anymore. Having someone who understands because she has been through what you are going through is huge. Having someone who is willing to stop and listen, to give a hug, to show she cares is priceless. And most importantly, when one feels as if she is making a difference in someone else's life ~ the reciprocal gift is huge.
I want to thank all of the women who in my life have demonstrated how to be a widow. Many have supported me in countless ways in this grief-boat I am in. From my Aunt Grace, Jean F, Jo R, Dottie, Cathy C, Robin, Julie, June H to all of the countless un-named women know that I appreciate you more than any blog can say! Deb
This gathering evolved in my mind shortly after Bruce's funeral. It was during the visitation on that bitterly cold Thursday evening in February that I noticed all of the women who also knew what I was going through. They had come out on that cold evening to support me. They knew what I was and would be going through. Their eyes spoke volumes as brief condolences were spoken. I couldn't get them out of my mind. I felt embarrassed that I hadn't been as supportive of them during their loss as they were being to me. I hadn't even gone to many of their husband's visitations or funerals. Some, I hadn't even sent a card to! How awful I felt, yet here were these women. At least six that I could count came out to support me!
As I spoke to my good friend who also had lost her husband, she too said she had been thinking about forming a local group. And, when another friend, also a widow called and invited me for coffee because she had a book she had ordered for me - it became clear that the three of us would someday form a local group.
We began by just thinking and making a list of the women we each personally knew who was about our age (give or take 20 years) who were in our same LIFEBOAT. In the beginning the three of us decided we weren't a counseling group. We were going to be a SOCIAL group. We want to inject laughter and fun into our lives and offer support to women we know who are going through this chapter of their life as well.
It was a great success. As each lady introduced herself and how long it had been and other details were expressed. No matter if it had been 14 years or 11 weeks, we each knew a little about how our lives paralleled one another. There were tears and raw emotion at times, intermingled with laughter and more jokes. New friendships have already begun to form. Ideas for small and large group social outings are forming as is a newsletter and email with resources and ideas that will be shared.
We have all discovered that life is too short. Women are social beings. From the days of gathering berries somewhere on this planet to todays harried lifestyle, we need other women in our lives. No time is more critical than when we no longer have the man we loved present anymore. Having someone who understands because she has been through what you are going through is huge. Having someone who is willing to stop and listen, to give a hug, to show she cares is priceless. And most importantly, when one feels as if she is making a difference in someone else's life ~ the reciprocal gift is huge.
I want to thank all of the women who in my life have demonstrated how to be a widow. Many have supported me in countless ways in this grief-boat I am in. From my Aunt Grace, Jean F, Jo R, Dottie, Cathy C, Robin, Julie, June H to all of the countless un-named women know that I appreciate you more than any blog can say! Deb
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Measuring time in gains and losses
(I started this blog on the first Sunday in November)
As I pondered what to write on this FALL BACK in time day, the words - gains and losses were present in my thoughts. Yes, another month has been gained in my loss of Bruce. It has now reached the 9th month. And with that magic number, I can't help but be reminded of how prescious that number 9 has been to me more than one time in my life. NINE MONTHS times three it took for us to wait and wonder and be excited for the birth of our three children. Those nine months too, seemed at times to pass by inch by inch, and yet at the same time, flew by. And now 30, 27 and 25 years later - that time seems like only a wisp of air as it passes by my lips.
I visited my good friends Friday eve. As the three of us visited about this ninth month in my journey, he a rather unique and intelligent human being ~ was excited that nine months had passed by for me. He equated this time to a pregnancy. The excitement of who was being born ~ me... was on his mind as we spoke. I of course, was thinking of it in losses not gains for myself. Although, I must admit, that I am experiencing some refreshed moments that sometimes just don't seem right for a grieving woman. Yes, I should still be grieving. And, don't get me wrong, I am. But it is evolving. The tears seem to come less. I seem to keep those tender feelings in control more, and have replaced the raw emotion with a softer approach that consists of thinking of moments with Bruce in my memory. Re-enacting times spent good and bad - allowing them to flow in and out of my consciousness. It still seems so not real for him to be gone from all of us forever.
The positive changes that I am experiencing are in my mindset and then follow in my actions. I have begun to exercise again. Although, not regularly quite yet, I am again taking a conscious look at myself in the mirror. Never, has aging been something that this woman wants to do, in fact, this woman fights it almost at every chance she gets. The flab at my waist has been calling to me. O.K., I will try to do some sit-ups. One day, coming in from working outside, I found my 25 year old Lance doing a workout in the house, and he invited me to join him. Laughing at me, his workout took on less of a serious note. But, this fun we were having felt good again. I am again ingesting my vitamins and my anti-oxidants. And I am working on eating vegetables/ fruits and lean meats, cutting out fats and carbs is also back on the frontburner. The painful arthritis in my hands and wrists can't happen. Not yet! Well, I am aging, yes I do know that. This month is the month of that significant reminder for me.
And with that ominous day called a BIRTH-DAY, comes yet more thoughts. The honeymoon I have felt to be on in the past few months since our anniversary in August is coming to a grinding halt. Birthdays, the approaching holidays and memories of last year at this time are creeping in on me. I have learned through my grief group that the anticipation of these major life events is always so much worse than the actual day/days. So it seems only fitting that in October I made a major decision for myself that begins on November 20.
I have taken a full time position in a medical clinic in Red Wing as a triage nurse. I begin this new phase of my life on November 20. I had been 'thinking' about a change. And, had mentally given myself an entire year from Bruce's death, when I would begin this process of searching for what I call a real job, with a definition as being - one with benefits. The kids had suggested it early after Bruce had died, but I wasn't ready for change then. I didn't want my life to change. I wanted to continue in the life I had been living with him. And, they all backed down. Giving me my space. And, always telling me, they just wanted me to be happy. And, I guess I am as happy as one can be who is walking in my shoes. Yet, there was a part of me that was surfacing that is saying, "be independent, be self-supportive, don't be a burden on your kids"
So, the process of "just looking", "just scanning the want-ads" began in late September. I pulled out an old resume and had decided I was going to update it. At about that time, I saw a job posting that appeared to be something that would be a good fit. What the heck, I could just practice - go through the steps - see how far I got! Little did I know or think about the fact that it might be right for me. As I practiced during the interview the first week in October, I found myself envisioning what working in Red Wing at this Medical center might be like. I found myself envisioning the scenic-no-hassle drive through beautiful Wisconsin along the Mississippi and I found myself thinking I might like the change of pace. Since I was "just practicing", I took that approach for asking what I wanted, which was that I could not start the job until mid-November if they were to offer it to me. One week later, I got the job offer. They were willing to wait for me. It isn't often that a full-time Monday through Friday day position opens up for an R.N. I will go about this as I do most things in my life. I will give it my best shot and see what happens.
This gain feels good. The WAY IT WAS, my old life isn't a loss. It is still part of me and always will be. The way it was is filled with lots of grand memories. Life does go on and I too must keep on, keeping on. All of the things I have been doing, I will continue to do with modification. Matt, the client I have cared for on and off for 21 years will still fill one weekend every six weeks. And, perhaps instead of watching little Avery during the week, I will now get to keep her while mommy and daddy go out on a date!
Bruce would be proud of me! He would be cheering me on. I could always count on him to support me and my crazy ideas no matter if they were right or wrong for me. He loved me so much he too wanted me to be happy, to follow my heart and see where it led me. That measurement of love that wraps around my heart from him will continue to grow without his human presence. That is what eternal love is all about. This way of looking at his loss of human existence by replacing it with a growing eternal love always and forever softens this ninth month. And, if he were here, he would be singing some song out loud right now - with his hands moving in gesture to the music, like BORN TO BE WILD....all to make this moment filled with emotion be one filled with laughter instead. That twas my Bruce!
Enjoy your day today. Fondly and forever myself, Deb
As I pondered what to write on this FALL BACK in time day, the words - gains and losses were present in my thoughts. Yes, another month has been gained in my loss of Bruce. It has now reached the 9th month. And with that magic number, I can't help but be reminded of how prescious that number 9 has been to me more than one time in my life. NINE MONTHS times three it took for us to wait and wonder and be excited for the birth of our three children. Those nine months too, seemed at times to pass by inch by inch, and yet at the same time, flew by. And now 30, 27 and 25 years later - that time seems like only a wisp of air as it passes by my lips.
I visited my good friends Friday eve. As the three of us visited about this ninth month in my journey, he a rather unique and intelligent human being ~ was excited that nine months had passed by for me. He equated this time to a pregnancy. The excitement of who was being born ~ me... was on his mind as we spoke. I of course, was thinking of it in losses not gains for myself. Although, I must admit, that I am experiencing some refreshed moments that sometimes just don't seem right for a grieving woman. Yes, I should still be grieving. And, don't get me wrong, I am. But it is evolving. The tears seem to come less. I seem to keep those tender feelings in control more, and have replaced the raw emotion with a softer approach that consists of thinking of moments with Bruce in my memory. Re-enacting times spent good and bad - allowing them to flow in and out of my consciousness. It still seems so not real for him to be gone from all of us forever.
The positive changes that I am experiencing are in my mindset and then follow in my actions. I have begun to exercise again. Although, not regularly quite yet, I am again taking a conscious look at myself in the mirror. Never, has aging been something that this woman wants to do, in fact, this woman fights it almost at every chance she gets. The flab at my waist has been calling to me. O.K., I will try to do some sit-ups. One day, coming in from working outside, I found my 25 year old Lance doing a workout in the house, and he invited me to join him. Laughing at me, his workout took on less of a serious note. But, this fun we were having felt good again. I am again ingesting my vitamins and my anti-oxidants. And I am working on eating vegetables/ fruits and lean meats, cutting out fats and carbs is also back on the frontburner. The painful arthritis in my hands and wrists can't happen. Not yet! Well, I am aging, yes I do know that. This month is the month of that significant reminder for me.
And with that ominous day called a BIRTH-DAY, comes yet more thoughts. The honeymoon I have felt to be on in the past few months since our anniversary in August is coming to a grinding halt. Birthdays, the approaching holidays and memories of last year at this time are creeping in on me. I have learned through my grief group that the anticipation of these major life events is always so much worse than the actual day/days. So it seems only fitting that in October I made a major decision for myself that begins on November 20.
I have taken a full time position in a medical clinic in Red Wing as a triage nurse. I begin this new phase of my life on November 20. I had been 'thinking' about a change. And, had mentally given myself an entire year from Bruce's death, when I would begin this process of searching for what I call a real job, with a definition as being - one with benefits. The kids had suggested it early after Bruce had died, but I wasn't ready for change then. I didn't want my life to change. I wanted to continue in the life I had been living with him. And, they all backed down. Giving me my space. And, always telling me, they just wanted me to be happy. And, I guess I am as happy as one can be who is walking in my shoes. Yet, there was a part of me that was surfacing that is saying, "be independent, be self-supportive, don't be a burden on your kids"
So, the process of "just looking", "just scanning the want-ads" began in late September. I pulled out an old resume and had decided I was going to update it. At about that time, I saw a job posting that appeared to be something that would be a good fit. What the heck, I could just practice - go through the steps - see how far I got! Little did I know or think about the fact that it might be right for me. As I practiced during the interview the first week in October, I found myself envisioning what working in Red Wing at this Medical center might be like. I found myself envisioning the scenic-no-hassle drive through beautiful Wisconsin along the Mississippi and I found myself thinking I might like the change of pace. Since I was "just practicing", I took that approach for asking what I wanted, which was that I could not start the job until mid-November if they were to offer it to me. One week later, I got the job offer. They were willing to wait for me. It isn't often that a full-time Monday through Friday day position opens up for an R.N. I will go about this as I do most things in my life. I will give it my best shot and see what happens.
This gain feels good. The WAY IT WAS, my old life isn't a loss. It is still part of me and always will be. The way it was is filled with lots of grand memories. Life does go on and I too must keep on, keeping on. All of the things I have been doing, I will continue to do with modification. Matt, the client I have cared for on and off for 21 years will still fill one weekend every six weeks. And, perhaps instead of watching little Avery during the week, I will now get to keep her while mommy and daddy go out on a date!
Bruce would be proud of me! He would be cheering me on. I could always count on him to support me and my crazy ideas no matter if they were right or wrong for me. He loved me so much he too wanted me to be happy, to follow my heart and see where it led me. That measurement of love that wraps around my heart from him will continue to grow without his human presence. That is what eternal love is all about. This way of looking at his loss of human existence by replacing it with a growing eternal love always and forever softens this ninth month. And, if he were here, he would be singing some song out loud right now - with his hands moving in gesture to the music, like BORN TO BE WILD....all to make this moment filled with emotion be one filled with laughter instead. That twas my Bruce!
Enjoy your day today. Fondly and forever myself, Deb
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