I know that the television show The Wonder Years was played in our home and still is watched in reruns and re-reruns by the boys in particular. I don't even know the characters' names, but I do know this. The telling of a family story via that show, was an important part of our household. For me it was The Waltons. Growing up in the country on a farm, I related very easily to this particular show that aired in the 70's. John-Boy and Ralphie, both had a way of telling their story, their family story that caught one's imagination and gripped tight to one's heartstrings. As viewers watched these shows about families, they could see parts of themselves in the lives of others.
Lately I have had the words The Wonder Years roaming in my head. I never know exactly where these thougthts I am thinking are coming from, but I feel as if I need to act on them when they appear. Especially if I find myself thinking them over and over again. So, what was the Wonder Years? I wonder (to speculate curiously), if it was my life as wife and mom...wondering if that is what my heart and head are trying to figure out. Other synonyms for the word wonder are awesome, marvelous, miraculous and remarkable. In writing all of this nonsense, it strikes me as how often one uses the same word in a different form. Anyway, all of the above is just food for thought today.
The new televison season is upon us. If Bruce would be here, he would be all geared up and excited for his favorite shows. To name a few they were; Boston Legal, 24 hours, Prison Break and The OFFICE and anything on the Cooking Channels. He and Abby would sit for hours if they had the time, and watch cooking shows together. I loved the time they were able to do this. What a gift it was for both of them! These rounded out his most beloved shows last fall. Except of course for any sports that might be on -ie; Baseball series, Iowa Hawkeyes, Vikings -especially if they were winning! I would be the Good Wife and come down into our family room and be somewhat interested in some of these shows. Of course, my favorite shows are anything on HGTV, Dancing with the Stars and American Idol. Bruce also loved American Idol. Being a music major his first two years of college, he did have a VOICE, a SINGING VOICE that could have gone places if he had so chosen! But, instead he became my one an only! An above average husband, father and brother! He loved his family more than life itself. He also loved his down time, his off-work at home time. He loved just being entertained when he wasn't entertaining others. He would change out of his work day attire, which was usually jeans/shorts or khakis and into his favorite sweats or pj bottoms and his favorite sweatshirt/ t-shirt and just be BRUCE.
I am thinking about his attire, as right now, my desk is filled with pieces of his past. I have begun cutting up his clothes into pieces for quilts. What a labor of love this is! I can't help but think about the family quilt that hangs on my living room wall. It belonged to Bruce's mother, Donna. She would say to me, "here is the quilt top that my Grandma VanOsdoll made for me when I was a little girl!" In amazement, I would look at this folded mass of patchwork crazy quilt that had never been completed. After we moved Bruce's mom to the River Falls Nursing home, I took the quilt top, had it repaired and it now hangs in our living room. I wonder now...whose clothes these scraps of fabrics belonged to. What was the story behind these scraps of fabrics. I also wonder if quilting not only came about as a way to use up old clothes, but to recycle the clothes of loved ones that had passed. Perhaps one day, I will have to research the history of quilting and figure this out. But for now, I am back into the present day and looking at the scraps of fabric that one year ago was in our laundry every week. Or in my iron pile to 'do up'. Even though his shirts were permament press, me being from the old school would have to iron them just a little to make them look presentable! Included in these 8 piles of perfectly cut shapes are Bruce's favorite 'lounging attire'- a pair of blue plaid drawstring flannel pj bottoms that are now cut into perfectly shaped pieces. His burgundy shirts that he wore usually under a sweater vest have been lovingly taken apart, straightened, ironed and recut into pieces.
Yesterday, as I was babysitting for little Avery, I sat her up on my large workdesk amidst the scraps of fabric. With my sewing machine buzzing, the iron on and pressing the newly sewn 12 x 12 squares for a crazy quilt, she dozed. I turned on my computer and put in the burned CD of the songs that we found comforting during the funeral and memorial video we had made. "Only the Good Die Young" by Elton John, "Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful Life" montage and the Christian song,"I can only imagine" played and replayed. Yes, a few tears fell as usual. Sewing away, ironing away, looking at my little angel just a-snoozing away,I thought about how much my life has changed in just such a short time. This no doubt causes those emotional aqua-ducts to overflow.
One day when she is older, I will show her the photo I took of her sitting amidst this crazy quilt mess. I may even share these words with her. She, one day may share this story with her children and perhaps her grandchildren of what an important part she played in her grandma's life. How she helped soothe those sad moments with her smile and her bright sparkling eyes. Maybe she will even have a quilt to prove the story she tells. Her story will be real.
The imprints we leave on others is never quite known by some. As one grows older, one realizes just how important these little moments in our days become. So, it is today. As I type this final paragraph, I have turned on my iron and am getting ready to continue with my project of recycling Bruce's clothes and my love for him for the next generation. Avery has just awoke, she is waiting for her grandma to make a silly face at her. Gotta go.
Enjoy today.
Deb
Monday, September 24, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Knowing where one is in life!
My newest friend who is in the same LIFE-RAFT with me, wrote me an email recently and said, "I know where I am and it really sucks but I might as well get used to it." Her husband died suddenly mid-August. I was so surprised and envious of her statement. I don't think I was that lucid and knowing - one month after Bruce had died. In fact, I think I had just REALIZED that he was dead and not coming back. And was just plain mad!
Her down-to-earth approach about her dilemma makes total sense to me. And, yet...maybe she too will have slips of realization, steps back in time and wanting it to all be like it was. Because, that is how it was for me. Sometimes I still am that way.
We are going to form a support group here in our town. Two other gals who have been in the LIFE-RAFT a bit longer than Diane and myself are helping me get this off of the ground. They, I believe are in the front of the boat. This entire LIFE RAFT thought has been in my fore-thinking recently. I feel like I am bobbing on this sea of life up and down, just like that feeling you have when you are out on a big body of water. When you can't see the shore, not knowing in which direction you are really heading or where one is going to land. I know where I am at, and that I am safe, but I don't know what the future is going to hold. And, that is what bothers women like myself and my new friend, Diane.
We felt so safe in our relationships. The common everyday safeness married couples feel. Like, how you will see one another again at the end of the day, that there will be a tomorrow, and that your common dreams and goals are being fulfilled. When death strikes - the survivor is like a fish out of water and all other similar analogies. One half of who we were is no longer there.
No one prepares themselves for this I believe. Instead, we act much like how the general public acts. IGNORING what may happen to our better/other half and putting off talking about important subject matter. Just like Bruce and I did all last fall and the summer before that, etc. Even though I was worried and had a suspicion that something wasn't right, rarely did I convey my worries to him. Instead, I delved into my work, my life, my studies. I, at times actually made fun of his health and confess now, was a sarcastic snob (on occassion) Yes, I am very human! These manuevers that one does to get through our days are; I now believe, what one has to do to survive our life sitautions we find ourselves in.
Three of us widows met for dinner on Friday evening. Sitting in a booth at a local restaurant, we found ourselves between smiles, laughter, tears and much empathy for one another, especially for the newest member in our "club". Our conversation ranged from feelings we have, our love we had for our husbands, casket viewing, stone markers and reliving our individual death experiences. As we ate and visited, we couldn't help wonder what the other patrons were thinking if they were overhearing bits and pieces of our conversations. It usually isn't what one wants to think about on a TGIF night over dinner is it?
Sunday, I went with a friend to an art fair. She too, has suffered a loss. Her grief experience being one of a mom is different than mine, but ... as we walked through the different booths we were both looking for things for the gravesite. She said, "isn't it funny how we are still shopping for them?" I found three things. I bought a little hat for baby Avery. I found a colored glass wind-chime thing for myself that has a copper dragon-fly and a bell on the end. The dragon-fly has come to represent death and it's transformation to me. ( I received a card with a story about it that has helped comfort me about Bruce's new existance ) And then, I found something that brought me to tears. It was a garden stake with one word written in cursive at the top. It was perfect. As I saw it, I immediately knew I had to get it to put out in the cemetary with Bruce. It WAS Bruce..It defined him in so many ways. This one simple everyday common word elicited my deepest feelings for Bruce. Even now, as I press on the keyboard, my eyes well with tears of love. The word is LAUGH! Bruce's laughter filled the room. He had a gut cackling laugh that got louder the more it spewed out of his mouth. It was breathy and deep. I loved his laughter, except of course when we were out in public at some venue where his laugh would take up more space than was politically correct. One time we were in Las Vegas at a small comedy club and the comedian was up on stage making us laugh. Bruce was laughing at his jokes and he directly looked at Bruce and mimimicked Bruce's laugh! Many of our friends and family know what I am talking about with his signature laugh. One time at my folks, Bruce laughed so hard, he fainted, falling off their bar stool - it scared me to death! He just lay there a brief half-minute, opened his eyes and said, "What happened?!" Maybe today, I will take it out to the cemetary. It is a rainy on and off sort of Fall day. The kind of day, that seems a fitting day to put the word LAUGH out in a cemetary don't you think?
Last night I attended a Grief Group with my new friend. She had told me about it and very matter-of-factly that she was going! Her husband died one month ago and she was already diving into a grief group. Bruce has been gone for 7 months and even though many people have suggested I go, I have put it off. I of course, felt I was grieving just fine by myself. Sometimes even suggestions from others seem like I am being told what to do. The real truth of the matter, is I don't like to go places by myself. I would rather stay home than go somewhere by myself. But, I didn't want her going alone, so I volunteered to "go with her"... one of my favorite roles in life is a supporter!! Lance, my son asked me where was I going when he saw me reapplying makeup. I told him in a reluctanct manner, that I was attending this grief group, it is Christian based. And, that I wasn't excited about going. Because of confidentiality, I can't tell you all that I experienced. There were about 10 men and women there and 2 facillitators. Some were like me and my friend, who have lost our husbands. Some have lost a young adult child to all sorts of deaths. All of our stories are different, but we share one thing in common, we have all lost someone who we loved and cared for deeply. It will be every week for 12 weeks. I do plan to go back and even think I could go alone. I know most of what I hear isn't going to be new. But, it will give me an even stronger and broader foundation that I can fall back on as I go forward in my life.
Journaling was brought up last evening at the grief meeting. I know for me, it has been like an oar that I can pick up and put in my hands and move my boat along if I so choose. I see my progress as I sign-in to my account. Each month, as I move out beyond the date of Bruce's death, I see I have blogged less. Whether I have less to say, is another subject matter. But the need to say what I am saying is lessening.
I continue to be supported and loved, feeling so connected to so many people who have been in my life forever. And yet, I am picking up new friends whom I would have never met had it not been for me losing Bruce. This was something that Diane and I realized as we said good-bye last night. This tapestry of existance we all share is just that. Fibers of beings crisscross one another in ways that may only become clear sometime in our forever future. For now, life is happening. Little Avery is moving and squiggling in my lap - kicking at the keyboard and my hands. Yes, she is in my liferaft with me. This is today. Enjoy yours too. Deb
Her down-to-earth approach about her dilemma makes total sense to me. And, yet...maybe she too will have slips of realization, steps back in time and wanting it to all be like it was. Because, that is how it was for me. Sometimes I still am that way.
We are going to form a support group here in our town. Two other gals who have been in the LIFE-RAFT a bit longer than Diane and myself are helping me get this off of the ground. They, I believe are in the front of the boat. This entire LIFE RAFT thought has been in my fore-thinking recently. I feel like I am bobbing on this sea of life up and down, just like that feeling you have when you are out on a big body of water. When you can't see the shore, not knowing in which direction you are really heading or where one is going to land. I know where I am at, and that I am safe, but I don't know what the future is going to hold. And, that is what bothers women like myself and my new friend, Diane.
We felt so safe in our relationships. The common everyday safeness married couples feel. Like, how you will see one another again at the end of the day, that there will be a tomorrow, and that your common dreams and goals are being fulfilled. When death strikes - the survivor is like a fish out of water and all other similar analogies. One half of who we were is no longer there.
No one prepares themselves for this I believe. Instead, we act much like how the general public acts. IGNORING what may happen to our better/other half and putting off talking about important subject matter. Just like Bruce and I did all last fall and the summer before that, etc. Even though I was worried and had a suspicion that something wasn't right, rarely did I convey my worries to him. Instead, I delved into my work, my life, my studies. I, at times actually made fun of his health and confess now, was a sarcastic snob (on occassion) Yes, I am very human! These manuevers that one does to get through our days are; I now believe, what one has to do to survive our life sitautions we find ourselves in.
Three of us widows met for dinner on Friday evening. Sitting in a booth at a local restaurant, we found ourselves between smiles, laughter, tears and much empathy for one another, especially for the newest member in our "club". Our conversation ranged from feelings we have, our love we had for our husbands, casket viewing, stone markers and reliving our individual death experiences. As we ate and visited, we couldn't help wonder what the other patrons were thinking if they were overhearing bits and pieces of our conversations. It usually isn't what one wants to think about on a TGIF night over dinner is it?
Sunday, I went with a friend to an art fair. She too, has suffered a loss. Her grief experience being one of a mom is different than mine, but ... as we walked through the different booths we were both looking for things for the gravesite. She said, "isn't it funny how we are still shopping for them?" I found three things. I bought a little hat for baby Avery. I found a colored glass wind-chime thing for myself that has a copper dragon-fly and a bell on the end. The dragon-fly has come to represent death and it's transformation to me. ( I received a card with a story about it that has helped comfort me about Bruce's new existance ) And then, I found something that brought me to tears. It was a garden stake with one word written in cursive at the top. It was perfect. As I saw it, I immediately knew I had to get it to put out in the cemetary with Bruce. It WAS Bruce..It defined him in so many ways. This one simple everyday common word elicited my deepest feelings for Bruce. Even now, as I press on the keyboard, my eyes well with tears of love. The word is LAUGH! Bruce's laughter filled the room. He had a gut cackling laugh that got louder the more it spewed out of his mouth. It was breathy and deep. I loved his laughter, except of course when we were out in public at some venue where his laugh would take up more space than was politically correct. One time we were in Las Vegas at a small comedy club and the comedian was up on stage making us laugh. Bruce was laughing at his jokes and he directly looked at Bruce and mimimicked Bruce's laugh! Many of our friends and family know what I am talking about with his signature laugh. One time at my folks, Bruce laughed so hard, he fainted, falling off their bar stool - it scared me to death! He just lay there a brief half-minute, opened his eyes and said, "What happened?!" Maybe today, I will take it out to the cemetary. It is a rainy on and off sort of Fall day. The kind of day, that seems a fitting day to put the word LAUGH out in a cemetary don't you think?
Last night I attended a Grief Group with my new friend. She had told me about it and very matter-of-factly that she was going! Her husband died one month ago and she was already diving into a grief group. Bruce has been gone for 7 months and even though many people have suggested I go, I have put it off. I of course, felt I was grieving just fine by myself. Sometimes even suggestions from others seem like I am being told what to do. The real truth of the matter, is I don't like to go places by myself. I would rather stay home than go somewhere by myself. But, I didn't want her going alone, so I volunteered to "go with her"... one of my favorite roles in life is a supporter!! Lance, my son asked me where was I going when he saw me reapplying makeup. I told him in a reluctanct manner, that I was attending this grief group, it is Christian based. And, that I wasn't excited about going. Because of confidentiality, I can't tell you all that I experienced. There were about 10 men and women there and 2 facillitators. Some were like me and my friend, who have lost our husbands. Some have lost a young adult child to all sorts of deaths. All of our stories are different, but we share one thing in common, we have all lost someone who we loved and cared for deeply. It will be every week for 12 weeks. I do plan to go back and even think I could go alone. I know most of what I hear isn't going to be new. But, it will give me an even stronger and broader foundation that I can fall back on as I go forward in my life.
Journaling was brought up last evening at the grief meeting. I know for me, it has been like an oar that I can pick up and put in my hands and move my boat along if I so choose. I see my progress as I sign-in to my account. Each month, as I move out beyond the date of Bruce's death, I see I have blogged less. Whether I have less to say, is another subject matter. But the need to say what I am saying is lessening.
I continue to be supported and loved, feeling so connected to so many people who have been in my life forever. And yet, I am picking up new friends whom I would have never met had it not been for me losing Bruce. This was something that Diane and I realized as we said good-bye last night. This tapestry of existance we all share is just that. Fibers of beings crisscross one another in ways that may only become clear sometime in our forever future. For now, life is happening. Little Avery is moving and squiggling in my lap - kicking at the keyboard and my hands. Yes, she is in my liferaft with me. This is today. Enjoy yours too. Deb
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Blessings in Disquise - Go Hawks
One day this week, I woke with a start to the words, "Blessing in Disquise" in my head. It was the answer I was looking for. This past week had been a combination of highs and lows. The highs being the celebration of my parent's anniversary and all of the hoopla that that event involved. The low included my stubborn decision to leave the baby case I worked so hard to get initiated this spring. Back in the spring, I felt the entire process was a "God-Thing". I really didn't work that hard at finding all of the nurses who eventually helped us get this baby home. Some stayed and some left through the summer as he has grown and his parents have adjusted to caring for him themselves. Adjusting to having people in their home has been more difficult. Adjusting to having nurses care for their baby also was more difficult. And, that became the issue. It was a long 8 hours one spent doing nothing while the mom scurried to do everything before the nurse could do it. After a few discussions with the parents, I saw that this wasn't going to change and that I needed to gracefully as possible leave this case. Since I am not a quitter and can put up a good fight to the bitter end. (Yes, I once told Bruce, "if I had to I would fly a 747 - or at least give it a good try!") I found myself doing that. Lessons even at age 54 continue to be learned, even when one feels they are in the right, know more and could be of service! Being told by these parents, they no longer needed my services was a hard pill to swallow, yet - I am a big girl, (have my big-girl pants on) and have found myself adjusting to their words. So, the answer I received at 4am was a soothing balm. There is something else I am needed for. And, in essence, I had accomplished what I had set out to do. That was, to get this baby home with his mom and dad.
So, what else am I supposed to be doing? That is a very big question. But, some of the things are surfacing.
BLESSING IIn August, another woman I do not know lost her husband. Two of my co-horts (women who have also lost their husbands) knew her and promptly informed me. Her husband died of a heart attack at home in her presence. One of the things that feels good for me to do, is to send a card that I found comforting - to other women who have lost their mates. So, off in the mail I sent this card to this woman I don't know with a little note, telling her I know what she is going through and if there was anything I could do for her to call me. I included my phone number. Last Friday when I got home from work, there was a message from her. Her words were interrupted with tears of grief, my heart went out to her and I immediately called her. She since has called me one more time and yesterday, she came for coffee. With little baby Avery tucked under my arm, as we locked eyes for the first time, we wrapped our arms around one another tightly and held on. We are both in this boat of grief on a sea of wild up and down waves. I, being there just a little longer know what she is in for. We talked and cried for three hours straight. She too, like me and many others in the boat, has lost her soul mate, her lover, her best friend, her confindante, her other-half. Her everything! At least that is what it feels like now. She is trying to figure out this grief thing, heal herself and wants to get through this time. She is doing it right. She reached out to someone else. And, I am so thankful that I was and will be here for her. She said, "I want to do one day what you did for me!" WOW...what powerful words those were to hear.
BLESSING II Being availble a little more to help care for my granddaughter is an absolute gift. I love babies! So, until November 15 - I can help a little more caring for her when I am not caring for Matt. I love watching the minute little changes that are occuring in Avery. She is such a little wild-girl already. She never sits still, wants to be in the know - so it is so fun to watch her little personality developing.
BLESSING III Several years ago in one of the many workshops I went to with Weekenders. There was one on purposefull living. What was my purpose? What was the driver inside of me? It was a good time to reflect on strengths and weaknesses. We were to come up with a statement of purpose. Our mantra that defined who were were and how we operated. Mine seemed simple at the time. It was "TO HELP OTHERS HAVE A BETTER DAY" A book I had read called "Repacking your Bags" had a quote that kept me centered then and now, it defined THE GOOD LIFE as Living in the place you belong with the people you love, doing the right work on purpose! Memorizing verses and quotes has never been my forte', but that quote continues to be at the top.
BLESSINGS IV Yesterday when my new friend and I were visiting, we decided that the QUALITY of our relationships with our husbands was like Cream...it was the best.. Cream rises to the top of milk. The QUANTITY is little, but the QUALITY is superb!
That will continue always to be a blessing for me. My time with Bruce and our family, the way it was - memories never die, they live on. My childhood memories, all of the memories with my parents and fmaily will always live on as well!
BLESSINGS V Today is the first home game for the Iowa Hawks - When we took our son, Lance down to orientation his freshman year, they talked about 'BLEEDING BLACK & GOLD' - the fans are die-hards. Bruce was a die-hard Iowa Hawkeye fan. He lived, ate and breathed sports daily. He taught our sons to do the same. Ty got the full brunt of Bruce's love of sports being the first born son. Going to games together just he and Bruce in the beginning has left deep memories for Ty. He asked me a few weeks ago what I was doing on the 8th of September. I was scheduled to work with Matt today. So last week, I checked with another nurse to see if she would work or trade with me and she said YES! I was thrilled to think that first, Ty had asked me to go with him and second, that I actually could. So, today at noon, we will leave RF for the 5 hour drive to Iowa City. The game in an evening game, then we will drive an hour to my folks, crash for the night and come back tomorrow morning. I hope the day is filled with all things good. Yes, sadness and tears may spill out. The guys who sat next to the boys all last year don't even know about Bruce. I have pulled out Bruce bright yellow-gold GO Hawks shirt to wear to the game. Ty can give me a PRIMER on the trip down ... it will be a good day with my son. And that is how I will end this blog. GO HAWKS - WIN
Blessings to you and yours. Deb
So, what else am I supposed to be doing? That is a very big question. But, some of the things are surfacing.
BLESSING IIn August, another woman I do not know lost her husband. Two of my co-horts (women who have also lost their husbands) knew her and promptly informed me. Her husband died of a heart attack at home in her presence. One of the things that feels good for me to do, is to send a card that I found comforting - to other women who have lost their mates. So, off in the mail I sent this card to this woman I don't know with a little note, telling her I know what she is going through and if there was anything I could do for her to call me. I included my phone number. Last Friday when I got home from work, there was a message from her. Her words were interrupted with tears of grief, my heart went out to her and I immediately called her. She since has called me one more time and yesterday, she came for coffee. With little baby Avery tucked under my arm, as we locked eyes for the first time, we wrapped our arms around one another tightly and held on. We are both in this boat of grief on a sea of wild up and down waves. I, being there just a little longer know what she is in for. We talked and cried for three hours straight. She too, like me and many others in the boat, has lost her soul mate, her lover, her best friend, her confindante, her other-half. Her everything! At least that is what it feels like now. She is trying to figure out this grief thing, heal herself and wants to get through this time. She is doing it right. She reached out to someone else. And, I am so thankful that I was and will be here for her. She said, "I want to do one day what you did for me!" WOW...what powerful words those were to hear.
BLESSING II Being availble a little more to help care for my granddaughter is an absolute gift. I love babies! So, until November 15 - I can help a little more caring for her when I am not caring for Matt. I love watching the minute little changes that are occuring in Avery. She is such a little wild-girl already. She never sits still, wants to be in the know - so it is so fun to watch her little personality developing.
BLESSING III Several years ago in one of the many workshops I went to with Weekenders. There was one on purposefull living. What was my purpose? What was the driver inside of me? It was a good time to reflect on strengths and weaknesses. We were to come up with a statement of purpose. Our mantra that defined who were were and how we operated. Mine seemed simple at the time. It was "TO HELP OTHERS HAVE A BETTER DAY" A book I had read called "Repacking your Bags" had a quote that kept me centered then and now, it defined THE GOOD LIFE as Living in the place you belong with the people you love, doing the right work on purpose! Memorizing verses and quotes has never been my forte', but that quote continues to be at the top.
BLESSINGS IV Yesterday when my new friend and I were visiting, we decided that the QUALITY of our relationships with our husbands was like Cream...it was the best.. Cream rises to the top of milk. The QUANTITY is little, but the QUALITY is superb!
That will continue always to be a blessing for me. My time with Bruce and our family, the way it was - memories never die, they live on. My childhood memories, all of the memories with my parents and fmaily will always live on as well!
BLESSINGS V Today is the first home game for the Iowa Hawks - When we took our son, Lance down to orientation his freshman year, they talked about 'BLEEDING BLACK & GOLD' - the fans are die-hards. Bruce was a die-hard Iowa Hawkeye fan. He lived, ate and breathed sports daily. He taught our sons to do the same. Ty got the full brunt of Bruce's love of sports being the first born son. Going to games together just he and Bruce in the beginning has left deep memories for Ty. He asked me a few weeks ago what I was doing on the 8th of September. I was scheduled to work with Matt today. So last week, I checked with another nurse to see if she would work or trade with me and she said YES! I was thrilled to think that first, Ty had asked me to go with him and second, that I actually could. So, today at noon, we will leave RF for the 5 hour drive to Iowa City. The game in an evening game, then we will drive an hour to my folks, crash for the night and come back tomorrow morning. I hope the day is filled with all things good. Yes, sadness and tears may spill out. The guys who sat next to the boys all last year don't even know about Bruce. I have pulled out Bruce bright yellow-gold GO Hawks shirt to wear to the game. Ty can give me a PRIMER on the trip down ... it will be a good day with my son. And that is how I will end this blog. GO HAWKS - WIN
Blessings to you and yours. Deb
Monday, September 3, 2007
Number Seven
Today, tonight marks the 7th Month date of Bruce's death. Tired evades me this evening. Oh...I did doze a minute in front of the television, but woke about 10:30pm. Since then, I have folded some clothes, sent off a few emails and now will write before putting my head on my pillow. Actually ~ the day went well. It is Labor Day. Every Labor Day for many years, Bruce would be getting ready and leaving by 1 pm to head up north somewhere to meet up with the guys to go golfing. All of his Insurance buddies that he had such fun with. He would be gone for two nights, returning on Wednesday. Over the years, I did get used to him leaving on this Holiday in the middle of the day. I would usually find some project to do. Last year, I was refinishing our old dining room table. An heirloom from Bruce's folks.
And then, when he returned last year from his golf outing, he complained about his lower leg and ankle. It was red, warm and streaking up his leg. I knew he had a blood clot. He went to the Dr., and ultrasound was done. He thought maybe he had bumped it on the golf cart. But ~ now we know, this was the start of his cancer metastasis symptoms. He went on a daily dose of Aspirin and the redness went away, he never complained about his legs hurting again. His mom had gotten blood clots in her legs, so I just figured he was going to suffer from them too. Being not in the best of shape and then driving with his legs dependent, I could see where he could have developed one.
Looking back now, he had been in the hospital in TEXAS just SEVEN months prior to Labor Day last year. For something unrelated or was it now? That is on my list of things to do; to get his records from that visit. He told me a chest x-ray had been taken. I wonder if there might have been evidence of his cancer that might have been overlooked?
A family of SEVEN celebrated a very special occasion this weekend. My parents will be officially married SIXTY years on 9-9-2007. But, because of the long weekend and attempting to get all five of their children home and all of our children there - we chose to take advantage of the extra day. Of the 16 grandchildrer, all were able to make it except for one, who just started her freshman year at UNLV. All 11 Great Grandchildren were present. A good old fashioned family picnic was held! Followed by an OPEN HOUSE for about 75 of mom and dad's closest friends. The weather cooperated and it was such fun to see so many close family friends and relatives. One of my very best girlfriends when I was growing up just happened to be coming back to be with her mom. I had found out on Saturday, so quickly invited her to come to the Open House so that I could see her. It was wonderful visiting if only for a short time with this girlhood friend. We rode bikes, played on Saturdays, and sat in the same seat on school bus number 7 for almost every day of our school years! I plan to go visit her this Fall. She lives in the Washington DC area.
Today, when I was up to the store to pick up a few groceries, I noticed this couple. I was behind them through most of the aisles and we ended up in the same check out lane. What drew them to me, was our age. They appeared to be in my age category. I couldn't help but watch their interactions throughout the store. Much like Bruce and I would do when we went shopping together. As they were getting their groceries bagged the checker asked if they wanted to drive up for their groceries. The wife so, "No, I have him to do that for me!" With her chuckle and the checker's laugh, it was just a moment that seemed so unfair. Here I was right behind them, with my few groceries that I could certainly handle by myself. Her lighthearted remark was meant only at that, yet it left such an imprint in my ear. I smiled... they went on their way and I did the same. Missing my "him".
The past SEVEN DAYS have been good. I have handled what life has thrown me with a bit of maturity. I sold Bruce's car and handled the transaction with only a few tears. I have taken more of his clothes to our local thrift store. I am accepting my lot in life this week. On this upcoming Saturday, I am going with Ty to the first home game of the Iowa Hawkeyes. I went with Bruce to the last game he saw his beloved team play.I feel it is meant to be that I go with our son to the first game of the new season.
I lost one of my diamond earrings a few weeks ago. I just happened to notice it wasn't in my ear. They weren't the pair Bruce had given me, but I still liked them and wore this pair a lot. I was disappointed but had decided it was probably impossible to find. I had lost my wedding ring one summer year ago when the kids were in grade school. Taking it off of my finger to put on a pair of pantyhose one morning, I had left it on my bed. The kids had a day off from school and had been in and out of our bedroom watching t.v. all day. I realized that evening at a meeting that it wasn't on my finger. It was later in the week that I had time to look for it. With hardwood floors in our bedroom, I thought it would be under the bed. I swept, I looked, I kept looking wondering where it could have been. I asked Bruce if he had vacumned and he had. Our vacumn cleaner at the time was a Rainbow. You filled up the bottom with clean water, then you set about to vacumn and when you were done, it was dirty muddy water! I always felt like I had really cleaned when I would dump out that water. Well, I went out side and searched through the areas where we would dump this muck. This time of year, while I was gone one Saturday, Bruce and Abby were digging carrots, turning over dirt and guess what they found? Yes, my ring. I was so ecstatic! Bruce had an eye for finding things. So...today, while I was vacumning up downstairs, guess what I found? Yes! My earring. It was on the steps. I was so excited. I decided my personal guardian angel was helping me look for things. As I was relating this to Lance later - he told me that he had found it and put it there! Well, whatever the outcome, I have my ring and my earring!
All of these minutes and moments and occurrances that are part of my life is my movie playing out. I don't know what the ending is going to be like. But for now... I am going on another week, another month without him. Till next week! Deb
And then, when he returned last year from his golf outing, he complained about his lower leg and ankle. It was red, warm and streaking up his leg. I knew he had a blood clot. He went to the Dr., and ultrasound was done. He thought maybe he had bumped it on the golf cart. But ~ now we know, this was the start of his cancer metastasis symptoms. He went on a daily dose of Aspirin and the redness went away, he never complained about his legs hurting again. His mom had gotten blood clots in her legs, so I just figured he was going to suffer from them too. Being not in the best of shape and then driving with his legs dependent, I could see where he could have developed one.
Looking back now, he had been in the hospital in TEXAS just SEVEN months prior to Labor Day last year. For something unrelated or was it now? That is on my list of things to do; to get his records from that visit. He told me a chest x-ray had been taken. I wonder if there might have been evidence of his cancer that might have been overlooked?
A family of SEVEN celebrated a very special occasion this weekend. My parents will be officially married SIXTY years on 9-9-2007. But, because of the long weekend and attempting to get all five of their children home and all of our children there - we chose to take advantage of the extra day. Of the 16 grandchildrer, all were able to make it except for one, who just started her freshman year at UNLV. All 11 Great Grandchildren were present. A good old fashioned family picnic was held! Followed by an OPEN HOUSE for about 75 of mom and dad's closest friends. The weather cooperated and it was such fun to see so many close family friends and relatives. One of my very best girlfriends when I was growing up just happened to be coming back to be with her mom. I had found out on Saturday, so quickly invited her to come to the Open House so that I could see her. It was wonderful visiting if only for a short time with this girlhood friend. We rode bikes, played on Saturdays, and sat in the same seat on school bus number 7 for almost every day of our school years! I plan to go visit her this Fall. She lives in the Washington DC area.
Today, when I was up to the store to pick up a few groceries, I noticed this couple. I was behind them through most of the aisles and we ended up in the same check out lane. What drew them to me, was our age. They appeared to be in my age category. I couldn't help but watch their interactions throughout the store. Much like Bruce and I would do when we went shopping together. As they were getting their groceries bagged the checker asked if they wanted to drive up for their groceries. The wife so, "No, I have him to do that for me!" With her chuckle and the checker's laugh, it was just a moment that seemed so unfair. Here I was right behind them, with my few groceries that I could certainly handle by myself. Her lighthearted remark was meant only at that, yet it left such an imprint in my ear. I smiled... they went on their way and I did the same. Missing my "him".
The past SEVEN DAYS have been good. I have handled what life has thrown me with a bit of maturity. I sold Bruce's car and handled the transaction with only a few tears. I have taken more of his clothes to our local thrift store. I am accepting my lot in life this week. On this upcoming Saturday, I am going with Ty to the first home game of the Iowa Hawkeyes. I went with Bruce to the last game he saw his beloved team play.I feel it is meant to be that I go with our son to the first game of the new season.
I lost one of my diamond earrings a few weeks ago. I just happened to notice it wasn't in my ear. They weren't the pair Bruce had given me, but I still liked them and wore this pair a lot. I was disappointed but had decided it was probably impossible to find. I had lost my wedding ring one summer year ago when the kids were in grade school. Taking it off of my finger to put on a pair of pantyhose one morning, I had left it on my bed. The kids had a day off from school and had been in and out of our bedroom watching t.v. all day. I realized that evening at a meeting that it wasn't on my finger. It was later in the week that I had time to look for it. With hardwood floors in our bedroom, I thought it would be under the bed. I swept, I looked, I kept looking wondering where it could have been. I asked Bruce if he had vacumned and he had. Our vacumn cleaner at the time was a Rainbow. You filled up the bottom with clean water, then you set about to vacumn and when you were done, it was dirty muddy water! I always felt like I had really cleaned when I would dump out that water. Well, I went out side and searched through the areas where we would dump this muck. This time of year, while I was gone one Saturday, Bruce and Abby were digging carrots, turning over dirt and guess what they found? Yes, my ring. I was so ecstatic! Bruce had an eye for finding things. So...today, while I was vacumning up downstairs, guess what I found? Yes! My earring. It was on the steps. I was so excited. I decided my personal guardian angel was helping me look for things. As I was relating this to Lance later - he told me that he had found it and put it there! Well, whatever the outcome, I have my ring and my earring!
All of these minutes and moments and occurrances that are part of my life is my movie playing out. I don't know what the ending is going to be like. But for now... I am going on another week, another month without him. Till next week! Deb
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