Friday Night Reflections

I have been so wanting to write. My life has changed and with that my "time" that is my own. In my old life, many of my writings took place while I patiently waited and watched and worked. I waited for my patient to wake. In the early hours of the morning, I took advantage of the quiet moments. It was a perfect setting.

Now, I still get up early, do my usual routine of reading the paper. That is, if I can find it! Yes, it is so frustrating. Bruce and I have been receiving the St Paul Pioneer Press paper for years! Our routine would be, whoever got up first would go get it. It did used to get delivered to our doorstep. But, in the past year, it has been delivered to our driveway! Somewhere to be discovered. In the past 5 months, it has been somewhere near Lance's parked car, Usually under the car. So, if you can visualize me in my robe at 5:30 in the morning, looking for the paper - well good luck! That, is on my list of things to do. To email, call, whatever it takes to have the 'paperperson' place my paper in a convenient location. NOT UNDER a VEHICLE.

O.K. where was I? oh yeah. getting the paper, then fixing one piece of toast, juice and one cup of INSTANT COFFEE..yes, instant, Folgiers Instant, Bruce always made sure we had Instant coffee. It was just easier and faster for both of us, THEN...in the life I used to live and still do. We both would fix REAL coffee when we got to our jobs. He at the office, and me at Matts. Wierd how we had these routines. Well, they still exist.

Then onto getting ready and now, instead of leaving at 6:30 promptly - I leave at 7:15 promptly, getting to work in time to turn on my computer, look at the phone and log in at exactly 8:00. Then it begins to ring and ring and ring. With my headpiece on, I am ready to start my day. Which is all about answering calls from patients, with symptoms wondering if they need to be seen. FYI: IF YOU ARE HAVING ANY SORT OF CHEST PAIN, JAW PAIN, PRESSURE ON YOUR CHEST, FEEL LIKE YOUR HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE - GET TO YOUR NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM or CALL 911. As that is what I am going to tell you to do! You need to be evaluated immediatly. Don't take these symptoms lightly. OK?

I am liking my job. It is good. I have learned a lot, I feel useful and feel that I am good at it. I am feeling like I belong now. And, I simply love my drive to Red Wing.

But, my TIME .. has changed. My FREE TIME to think - to reflect - to analyze - to ponder has shortened. So, tonight: A Friday night in January I am doing just that. I am reflecting.

I have been noticing a lot of reflections lately. As I travel to Red Wing every day, it is just beginning to get light. I first was aware of these reflections one of the first days after the Holidays. On a lawn outside of River Falls, was a lighted reindeer and santa display. It sits on a fresh white bed of snow. It was the reflection of the light on the snow underneath that captured my attention one morning. And, in that - came the thoughts of looking beyond. I have been stuck on that image, of the illuminated snow that glistened so brightly. I ask myself why? What is this supposed to mean to me? What message is in this moment that I feel so connected to? The true lights of the HOLIDAY still do glow in my home. I will be dismantling the tree tomorrow. I have been putting this task off. I did the same thing last year. As Bruce rested one afternoon, I decided to take down the Christmas tree that he had helped me put up. Later on, we talked and I told him that I didn't want to take it down. He said, " I didn't want you to take it down either" It was as if he knew that it was the last one. So, now one year later. It still hurts. Yes, the HOlidays have passed. I am getting on. And, in just a few short weeks ~ one entire year will have passed. The ache remains.

Looking beyond the bright lights and onto the snow helps me. It reminds me of all of the reflections, the parts of my life that remain. Not the main points, but instead the parts that don't need attention. Yet, they are there and they are important. Perhaps it is the foundation of our lives. This LIGHT ~ perhaps that is what God is wanting me to focus on, and that is why I notice it.

The sunrises and sunsets and spectacular vistas continue. I can't help but think that Bruce is directing some sort of broad brushstrokes for me. As if it is his way of getting me to notice his eternal love. And in all of this, I get confused. God is love, but there is Bruce. My love!

So here I am on a Friday night. I admit, this is one of the first Friday nights since he has died, that I have been O.K. I have decided that I must not be a burden to my family. I need to 'get a life'- my life. I am not sure exactly how or what, but I am O.K. now with being home by myself on a Friday night. I watched a recorded episode of AMeRican IDOL. Bruce being at one time a vocal music major in college, LOVED with a capital L - American Idol. We enjoyed this new version of Amateur Hour. We would laugh and get emotional over the great talent and stories behind some of them. So, it was tonight, as I watched this episode by myself, I felt his absence. He would have gotten choked up. He did that every once a while. Especially with shows like Extreme Home Makeover.

This week; what has seemed to DAWN on me is that what I miss the very most about not having Bruce, my husband in my life anymore is that - I don't have anyone who is thinking about me throughout the day. Even though I continue to think about this man that doesn't exist anymore, he isn't there. I can't call him. When two people are married, this is 'taken for granted' . So many times throughout the day, I used to wonder or think of him and kind of know what he was doing, surmising he was probably home for lunch at a certain time and or that he was at the office. And, when I would call and he would answer - we CONNECTED. Simply speaking, we were one. When you no longer have that, it is missed.

Last weekend, a group of 18 women got together. All of us have one thing in common. Our husbands have died. The most recent newest widow had lost her husband in November. Her grief was and is still RAW, she cried most of the two hours we were all together. Yet, it was O.K. Each and every one of us knew exactly how she felt. Another one had called me whose husband had died in December. She and I met for supper on Monday. She too, is lost - her grief is so new. As we band together, we find strength in each other. Women are good at that. As I told the group, I am a survivor, an optimist, and a cheerleader. I won't give up. There is only one way ot of this grief that we feel and that is going through it.

February 3, 2008 will soon be here. My son tells me it is Super Bowl Sunday. Bruce would love that. I have asked the kids what would they like to do. It isn't a celebration by no means. Yet, it is important to me to remember. To be together as a family. Tomorrow, I am going to try to make an ICE LUMINARY. Good friends of ours, made one for Bruce's grave. They lit it the first few nights in the cemetary for me. And, we did the same as a family on Valentines Day last year. With the cold weather we are having this January, it is a very big reminder of our challenges we were facing one year ago - another very cold January.

I am beginning to allow myself to 'think' about tomorrow. Babysteps and baby thoughts of what I want to do, be, say, etc. I am learning to live on my own. It is scary to some degree. I imagine how someone who has suffered a traumatic injury must have to relearn to relive again in a different way. That is how I feel. I am so thankful for all of our family and good friends who have stuck by me. To all of you, who have called, emailed, sent flowers, notes, cards throughout the year. I feel so blessed. How will I ever make it up to all of you? Somehow,someday, but until then...

Stay warm this weekend. Hug the ones you love. Be good to yourself.

Deb

Eleven Months without Bruce

Tomorrow will be 11 months without him. Can it be? Counting down these months and looking back at what has happened, sometime it feels like 11 seconds and other times, 11 years. Moments of memories come swimming into my conscious - especially in the past month. Yes, December was a rough one. So, the New Year felt like I had turned a page. That is, until tomorrow - the 3rd.

On New Years Eve, I invited 2 of our couple friends over and 3 new friends. The new friends I have met AFTER BRUCE also have lost a loved one. It was a good mix. We laughed, we visited, we listened, we hugged, we toasted the New year and we cried in silence as the clock struck midnight. The couples all kissed their spouses as I stood there orchestrating the kissing couples and then - YES > I was hugged and held by all. It helps to have good people surround you, be it family or friends near and far who care - who call, who come when called.

Learning to move beyond feeling sorry for myself is where I am at and what I really want to perfect in 2008. I could cry at the drop of a pin. I do just that. Having a pity party just isn't going to help me in my life I am living these days. This entire time of year is just so darn hard anyway ...well that is enough. I am moving above and beyond.

Maybe a new me will evolve. Although I rather doubt it. I am too much who I am.


He, though still pervades my thoughts. He is still who I think about more moments throughout the day than any other person ... although my little granddaughter does come in a very close second.

We gathered - HIS side of the family in Des Moines over the Holidays. I so wanted to honor him in a way that was not too emotional or sappy. As I was shopping over my lunch hour one day, I found this tree garland made out of white feathers in the shapes of angels' wings. I knew I had to purchase it for my tree. I told the store clerk - why - "that my husband had passed away this year" She immediately dropped what she was doing and came gave me a long hug. She too, had lost her husband 7 years ago. And then, she told me she had something for me. She went back to the back of the store and handed me two cards with a poem on it. This is what I wanted read. So, I asked my nephew if he would. And of course, he said "Of course Deb!" It went well. There was silence, there were tears, but I gathered myself to say - Thank you for the support and love, and now - What Bruce would want us to do would be to continue having a great time! And that is exactly what we did.
It still feels very odd and out of place to be the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. As if, I am sticking out. I doubt that will ever go away.

Change is occurring all about me. On Monday as I was driving to work, a train on the tracks was going in the same direction I was. I couldn't help but think about 'hopping on board - like some HOBO - to get away from all of this, to leave my cares behind'..and then the train continued in the same direction as me. Both of us on a path to somewhere. Traveling through life. I thought about LIFE...how it is a linear timeline that we live. From birth to death, seconds and minutes to somewhere. Then I thought about AFTER LIFE, there is no timeline. Just forever. What will that be like? What is it like for our loved ones that have moved beyond LIFE?

Well, these are thoughts that have filled my head. In between learning about my new job and getting through the Holidays. I think about stuff. And, HE is still so much alive in my thoughts.

Happy New Year and may God Bless You in ways unimaginable.
Deb