His Birth-Day was Sunday. My Birthday was four days earlier. I didn't want to celebrate mine. I just wanted to celebrate his. So we did. We ate homemade pizza and watched movies, the kids and I that is. It felt good. Little Avery is now making this low humming noise. She is finding her voice. She keeps my mind and heart happy.
Many moments are sad this time of year. It was one year ago now that Bruce went to the Dr for his "cough", was put on antibiotics and prednisone. And it will soon be one year ago that the diagnosis of Stage IV Lung Cancer was delivered. All of these dates roam in my head. It is hard to concentrate on today, this year, this Holiday. I am trying to go through the motions. I don't have any desire to decorate. I look around and see stuff lying here and there and don't have the energy to do anything about it. Maybe it too will all get better.
I wish I could just fast-forward through the Holidays.
My life has changed. In one year, I have lost a husband, gained a granddaughter and started a new job. It doesn't sound like much when I write it down.
Friends and family remembered Bruce's birthday this weekend. It was nice to have them call and mention it during our family gathering.
My job is going well. While I am at work, I compartmentalize, keeping my heart wrapped up. When I walk to my car, get in my car then my heart feels sad. Seeing Holiday lights and listening to Holiday music just doesn't seem right. Not this year. Other widows have told me this is very common.
I can't put up the tree this year. So, Wendy and Abby have volunteered to do it. I am going to try to put on a cheery face and make it through the next few weeks. The old saying, fake it till you make it. Right?
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I did not loose a spouse, but did loose my Mom. As I told you in a seperate email, your words I have been reading over the past several months, left an impression. One that I shared some with my Dad. As I read your words, today about Christmas, I almost laughed to myself. I had already told Dan not to tell the kids, but unless they are coming for Christmas, I am not going to put up the tree. They wouldn't understand. But I don't have the energy either. Grief takes a ton of energy....of the mind, body and spirit. I can't imagine what a huge load it must be, though when it is your spouse, one that died too young! God bless you Deb, and everyone else griefing. May we feel the Lord's loving arms giving us extra hugs this Christmas time. May we also have the strength to say, "no, maybe not this year..........." Things will be different anyway......maybe some things need to be left out for one year. Maybe that is ok! I love you Deb!
Nancy
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