Eleven Months without Bruce

Tomorrow will be 11 months without him. Can it be? Counting down these months and looking back at what has happened, sometime it feels like 11 seconds and other times, 11 years. Moments of memories come swimming into my conscious - especially in the past month. Yes, December was a rough one. So, the New Year felt like I had turned a page. That is, until tomorrow - the 3rd.

On New Years Eve, I invited 2 of our couple friends over and 3 new friends. The new friends I have met AFTER BRUCE also have lost a loved one. It was a good mix. We laughed, we visited, we listened, we hugged, we toasted the New year and we cried in silence as the clock struck midnight. The couples all kissed their spouses as I stood there orchestrating the kissing couples and then - YES > I was hugged and held by all. It helps to have good people surround you, be it family or friends near and far who care - who call, who come when called.

Learning to move beyond feeling sorry for myself is where I am at and what I really want to perfect in 2008. I could cry at the drop of a pin. I do just that. Having a pity party just isn't going to help me in my life I am living these days. This entire time of year is just so darn hard anyway ...well that is enough. I am moving above and beyond.

Maybe a new me will evolve. Although I rather doubt it. I am too much who I am.


He, though still pervades my thoughts. He is still who I think about more moments throughout the day than any other person ... although my little granddaughter does come in a very close second.

We gathered - HIS side of the family in Des Moines over the Holidays. I so wanted to honor him in a way that was not too emotional or sappy. As I was shopping over my lunch hour one day, I found this tree garland made out of white feathers in the shapes of angels' wings. I knew I had to purchase it for my tree. I told the store clerk - why - "that my husband had passed away this year" She immediately dropped what she was doing and came gave me a long hug. She too, had lost her husband 7 years ago. And then, she told me she had something for me. She went back to the back of the store and handed me two cards with a poem on it. This is what I wanted read. So, I asked my nephew if he would. And of course, he said "Of course Deb!" It went well. There was silence, there were tears, but I gathered myself to say - Thank you for the support and love, and now - What Bruce would want us to do would be to continue having a great time! And that is exactly what we did.
It still feels very odd and out of place to be the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. As if, I am sticking out. I doubt that will ever go away.

Change is occurring all about me. On Monday as I was driving to work, a train on the tracks was going in the same direction I was. I couldn't help but think about 'hopping on board - like some HOBO - to get away from all of this, to leave my cares behind'..and then the train continued in the same direction as me. Both of us on a path to somewhere. Traveling through life. I thought about LIFE...how it is a linear timeline that we live. From birth to death, seconds and minutes to somewhere. Then I thought about AFTER LIFE, there is no timeline. Just forever. What will that be like? What is it like for our loved ones that have moved beyond LIFE?

Well, these are thoughts that have filled my head. In between learning about my new job and getting through the Holidays. I think about stuff. And, HE is still so much alive in my thoughts.

Happy New Year and may God Bless You in ways unimaginable.
Deb