One Year

One year, less one day in my life has passed since the man I loved took his last breath on a cold Saturday night. Surrounded by his three children and their mates, a nephew, his girlfriend, me and a dear friend - we watched him, watched t.v., napped while caring for him and at 10:45pm, he gasped his last breath.

How do you measure a year? Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes? Moments so dear, How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter and strife...that is what the song Seasons of Love from RENT suggests.

Now it is the Saturday night one year later. His voice, his touch, his laughter, his chuckle, his way of sitting on the sofa, how he could charm his children's friends, how he answered the phone at the office - and many more ways he had - still are - they are ETCHED in my memory, and our children's memories. They are etched in the memories of family members, friends and his clients. He is not gone, he is just in another realm.

This year without him has not been easy. It has not been fun, but it has BEEN. I have not been alone these months. I have been surrounded by my children and family members who have genuinely cared for me. They have allowed me to grieve in my own way. My friends have rallied behind me. Throughout this period in my life, never have I felt more loved and supported. I've become a Grandma, the icing on my year! I have met many new friends, who have become very important in my life. Many of these new friends are walking the same path I am. They too, have lost someone they loved. I feel so very blessed!.

The ICE LUMINARY is ready to be taken out to the cemetary. Tonight at 10:30pm, I will make the trek out there. I want to light it and be there alone. I want to feel the coldness, the darkness, the emptiness - the solitude. I plan to search the night sky for my favorite stars. I will feel God's presence in my life. And then I will know that I am not alone. As, Bruce too, will be there somewhere.

This whole experience with death and widowhood has caused me to self-examine who I am. Two sets of friends in the past twenty-four hours have reminded me that I have always been someone. Before Bruce, I was me. And, I am still that me. And even before I knew I was me, I was something. That essence is what I am seeking. That spiritual something that fills each one of our souls is the 'stuff' in life that makes us unique. I believe it might be the 'stuff' that continues on after-life. Perhaps it is also the 'stuff' that makes flowers bloom in spring time, and grass grow green in summer, and clouds look all billowy up in the sky. Perhaps it is what causes each snowflake to be individual and unique. Perhaps it is what makes birds sing their pretty melodies. I believe Bruce's essence still is present, I have no doubt about that. Perhaps it is what memories are made of. One day, each one of us will experience what he experienced in that moment when breathing ceased and eternity began.

Until then, 'tho the story never ends ... measure in love, seasons of love.' I will be happy and sad, cheerful and silly, crazy and goofy, angry and irritable. I will be me. Because I AM. Debra G. Tokheim