June - AvelBug's 1st Birthday - Counting

I have been trying to teach baby Avery to count 1 - for her first birthday. I will ask her, "How old are you Avery Joy?...then wait and say...1 year old! and hold up my index finger, and help her get her hand into a grip and hold up her index finger. Of course, she has no patience or idea of what this crazy granny is trying to teach her and she doesn't care. But she does smile and she does ignite my heart!
Can it really be ONE year ago? I am blown away by the speed of time these days. I hardly have time to write as you might notice...you out there...nameless...the crowd....the caring souls...who might happen - stance upon this blog and wonder who is this? ...what is this? ...does it affect me?? and how?

Many times when I am talking to women my age whose husbands are still alive - they say to me.. "I can't imagine what you are going through " My pat answer is this - "I don't want you to imagine, I don't want you to think about it, don't ... Don't even give it a thought, don't waste a moment thinking about what is might be like!, but instead - enjoy your moments together and cherish each and every one of them, even the frustrating ones. Because - we... no one...really knows what tomorrow is going to bring! "

Being a optimist most of my life has had it's advantages. I am not a worrier. I don't really get scared about stuff. The closest I get to feeling scared is on an airplane - landing! And then I just say a prayer. I wonder what that moment must be like? That SECOND ...when Life becomes death...HOw dreary this conversation has become. My optimistic viewpoint has now pervaded my thoughts and guess what? That SECOND..................................will be GLORIOUS! I really have no doubts about that.

Bruce told me he wasn't afraid to die. I wasn't sure what he really meant by that. And, we never had an opportunity to fully discuss that statement. But, I too....am not afraid to die. To die is gain........that is written somewhere in the bible.

Now, it is Friday evening. I really still don't like Friday evenings. I called two of my long distance friends on the way home from work, one didn't answer, and I did get to chat with the other. I have decided this is going to become a 'Friday on the way home from work custom' - to talk to my friends that are not near me. I felt crabby all afternoon at work. Rememberances of days gone by, good times, and now - well it is really really different. I too, like many widows don't want to be a pest to their family. I do have to create a life of my own. I thought of all of the things I could do tonight. One being - a trip to the fabric store. I love to look at new fabric and get ideas. I have several projects in the wings - waiting to get completed. I must complete one of them before starting anything else. I went out to work in the yard, cleaned the pool and began to dig. But - I have this neighbor. He is lonely. He is much older than me. He is my father's age. he is a widower. And, when he sees me outside, he comes outside. He wants to talk, to visit, to get a hug. It has become an uncomfortable situation. I do have to break it to him soon. My problem is this - I am too nice! Instead, I avoid him - so that is why I am here now writing. He began to mow, while I was digging out some weeds along my foundation. What a chicken I have become!

I do feel like I have rounded some sort of bend in the road. I feel myself being lighter in spirit, less dragged down by my emotions. I think of Bruce less often throughout the day. Last weekend good friends were here from DesMoines. We went uptown on Friday night to a local bar for burgers and a beer. One of Bruce's very good friends - one of the pall bearers - stopped over to the table and the four of us swapped 'Bruce stories'. It felt good. I didn't get sad, or feel bad, but instead was happy that such good memories abounded in others' thoughts! As we left the bar, my friend suggested we go see Bruce - since we had been talking about him. So...we did! Ten o'clock at night - driving up the cemetary and looking for the green glowing eternal candle, we visited Bruce! Now...for two women to do these antics is nothing, but George I think felt a bit uncomfortable. He was a good sport and went along with us. Bless his heart!

On Memorial Day, I spent time with another woman in my boat. Her husband died in August of 2007. Being just a little behind me on the same path, I have at times held out my hand and said to her, ..."this way....come this way with me"... because there have been other women who are my friends that are ahead of me on the same path showing me the way...saying the same thing to me. We too had decided to do the Cemetary tour. Her husband is in another cemetary in another town. With camera in tow, it is documented! We have spent many moments talking about what we miss about our guys. Their touch, their voice, those moments of knowing what the other one was thinking are now etched in memory instead of reality.

AvelBug has become little Avery Joy's nickname! She has been such a God-send gift for me and for all of us. Watching her grow weekly has been the very best gift. I count myself so blessed to have my family near me. I rode my bike over to their home on her birthday. She gets excited to see me these days and wants to immediately come to me! It is great to feel so wanted. She is working on giving kisses and hugs. Her hugs consist of a head-down, head-butt motion! I have noticed how she is trying to talk, babbling in different tones as she picks up from our conversations. She isn't quite walking but nothing is sacred in her presence these days.

A big moment is about to happen. Abby is moving out for good. At age 28, it is time. Yet, that too has been all part of the grand plan of things. She has found a home in Minnesota, not far away and will begin the next chapter of her life as a resident in Obstetrics and Gynecology. She has been gathering up all of her belongings for the big move. I keep thinking about what I did at age 28. I had been married for 8 years and had two children. We were on our third home! It is at times hard for me to really realize how old my children have become. Having them a part of our lives ... and my life for so long, I sometimes treat them much younger than they are in years! Yet, I am so thankful for all of the moments I have had with my adult children. I feel like it has been a BRIDGE for me. A bridge into my next chapter. I am excited for her and for me. I am looking forward to more decluttering in the house.

On June 3rd, it was 16 months - without him. I do still count. It doesn't take up all of my thoughts. It just is there, on the backburner of my mind.
Well, perhaps now I will venture outside!

Until then........................................................Warm thoughts from my heart to yours! Deb