18 months, Baby steps-14 months, Dads

August 3 - another hurdle, another milestone in my life. I thought of it as I was driving back to WI from IA - alone! My lot in life. I try not to be sad, but sometimes it just happens. No one can help me, it is just the way it is for me and others in my shoes, walking alone not on our choosing.
Yes, it is getting easier. It is just in moments of memories, of remembering of past moments together that sadness creeps in. Especially in a four hour car ride alone that used to be taken with him.

I went to Iowa late on Thursday evening. My father, my dad had had a heart attack. The previous Monday evening, mom had been trying to reach me. She wanted to run by his symptoms with her daughter, the nurse. I went into my work mode as I listened to his symptoms. He had worked outside in the hot humid weather rolling up fence! (this is hard for someone who isn't 83 years old!) Ate a big supper and then developed arm pain in both arms. It didn't sound good. I talked to Dad and told him I thought he needed to go to the hospital and get checked out. Of course, he said "NO". Mom was nervous, but she had given him an aspirin. Calling a nephew, he immediately went to his grandpa's aid. And soon, Dad was in the hospital.

All week long I fretted and worried. I spoke with his nursing staff. He developed a condition called 'sundowner's syndrome'. A form of disorientation in older people when they are taken out of their natural environment. So, by Thursday, the day of the angiogram, he was totally lacking sleep and confused! The angiogram showed 3 vessel involvment. New news for us, but just compounding his already diseased heart. Surgical intervetion is not an option for this fragile but determined and not giving-up-the-ship man. It was suggested he be tranferred by air-ambulance to Mayo. By late afternoon, he was just wanting to get home. He was angry, confused and becoming beligerant. The sandbag used on his angiogram insertion site felt like cement to dad. He couldn't understand in his confused state, why he had to sit in this chair with this bag of cement! He pleaded to go home. And, that is what we, his family wanted for him. We would take our chances with his health and take him home, where in the end, he really wants to be.

I rushed home arriving at 1115pm. My sister from Minneapolis had also just arrived. The night was a long one as dad's brain settled down and he attempted to regain his orientation in his own home. The weekend was spent helping him to remember what he had gone through the week before, along with helping mom and being with family. It was all good. Good to be home, helping them. It just brings up more memories of times gone by. Being alone - without Bruce is still difficult around family.

My brother, Kent and I reminisced about Bruce. His laugh, his loudness and certain memories that came spewing out as we thought of one, and then another instance where Bruce made us laugh. It was good to laugh at memories of him.

Dad hasn't decided yet what he is going to do, other than take it easy and perhaps stay inside when it is hot and humid out. It is hard to keep a all-of-his-life farmer from doing work.

Little Avery took her first steps this week! She demonstrated them to me last night on my visit to her. Out from the kitchen she came, doing her monster walk - arms outstretched in front of her. Each step choreographed - but with a big smile on her face. She is now into pointing at 'this and at that', talking her baby-garble talk! Her brain is clicking at speeds unknown to man as she learns something new every second.

She keeps me grounded and centered. When all else seems to go to pot, I think of her.