Uphill, Makeovers & Memories

The titles of these conversations with myself sometimes are words that seem to linger somewhere deep inside of me for moments into days. Yes, I have been itching to write, yet, there is a time and place for everything and so as it seems, this must be the time and place.

Work tends to take it's toll on me most days. Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is now my work. Therefore, when I come home - it just isn't that appealing. Tonight tho, seems different. It is just a little after 8pm, I have just returned home from eating at one our local bars with 5 friends who are in my same boat! It was taco night! 2 Tacos, 2 beers and $6 later, I am sated and relaxed.

It is a new month. And, in 17 days, we are having a wedding in the family. My baby is getting married. It has been fun to be part of some of the planning. I ask Shayna - my soon to be daughter-in-law, "what can I do?" "give me a job". I have felt like I am twiddle-ing my thumbs. But, God bless her, she has given me jobs to do and is allowing me some free rein on certain little projects. It is good therapy for me.
I haven't allowed myself to spend much time thinking about the exact day and how it will all go, by myself at the mother of the groom. Not yet anyway. Even after 20 months, sad moments hit me - and I still miss him, my Bruce!

Memories do seem to sweep over me and sometimes I feel like I have been knocked over. I was in the car driving somewhere when one of these moments with him hit me. It was as if some force knocked my head back against the headrest and took my breath away as a memory flooded back into consciousness. Momentarily, I might feel sad, or laugh, or grimace or just blankly stare, as time passes over me.

In getting ready for the wedding, I have become more earnest at trying to improve my appearance! The firming of certain body parts would be very beneficial for my health as well. As hard as I try to eat less and do a little bit of walking - not much seems to change. About 6 weeks ago - when I found out we were having a wedding and I was going to be the mother of the Groom, I began to walk over my lunch hour in a nice little park down by the river in Red Wing. Around and around the sidewalks I would walk. I was quite bored, except for the ducks in the water and perhaps a child in the park. I was hoping for miracles after the first week of walking!
One of my co-workers is an avid biker and walker. She would go do the 'hill' behind the clinic on her lunch hour. I had tried it in the early spring, but thought it was too difficult and came up with an excuse not to do it, labeling it an 'unsafe area'. But, one day, she invited me to do the hill with her. It was invigorating to say the least. I felt the BURN! This has become Deb's extreme makeover measures! Now if Bruce were still alive, he would certainly be laughing hysterically at my attempts to firm up this fifty-something body overnight, ok, lets just say it, ASS! He would of course be very complimentary in a way a husband would always be! ... (dot, dot, dot!!)
To go on then, this hill at first was a bit foreboding. It is behind the hospital and is actually a gravel road that goes down into an undeveloped section of town. It is quiet, away from traffic and I am only accompanied perhaps by an eagle that soars overhead or perhaps a butterfly and, yes - grasshoppers as they are hopping to and fro. I have made myself do this hill almost every day I work in the past two weeks.

As I walk up this hill, my breathing becomes shorter and faster, until I am panting. Always, Bruce comes to mind, his breathing and how much he endured! I keep my eyes focused on the gravel during this steepest climb eagerly waiting to get to the leveled top ahead. Pushing onward, I feel the burn as my leg muscles begin to get an honest to goodness workout. I really can't tell much difference yet, but for some reason... the hill is calling me back. This huffing and puffing exercise has cleared out some cobwebs - and it has gotten me outside, in the fresh air - with nature, where I feel part of God's great earth.

Memories - how does something become a memory? In a book I am reading right now, the author explains how everything we see, feel, touch, do , act on - is imprinted in the part of ourselves we call a memory. If you were to look at a person, and then close your eyes and just think about what that person looks like, you have already captured their memory - we can then conjure up that same image later on. This revealing thought has given me much to ponder on. I have years and years of memories of Bruce and I together. Hearing his laugh, seeing how his eyes danced when he was acting childlike, watching him walk, shrug his shoulders, all of these and more will always be there . There is no where else to find Bruce, but in my memories. And, for me, this is comforting tonight. Just a little food for thought.

Tomorrow - yes, the hill beckons!