The Two Year Mark and Finale

Tonight is just another night for many but for me it is significant. It has been a long day. I have been in a funk. I know that at midnight, after twelve bells, my spirit will rise again, probably occurring in my sleep, and as I wake to a new day, I will have regained my positive outlook on life.

Anniversaries of deaths have a way of doing that to a person. That is, putting them in a funk. For a few weeks now I have been preparing myself for this grand occasion. Out of necessity, out of love, out of the right thing to do I guess - how do you honor this day without turning into a blubbering big baby?

I began by attempting to make Ice Luminaries. I got this idea from good friends of ours who made them and had them out on Bruce's grave after his funeral. They went out nightly and lit them I believe. We went out on that first Valentines day as a family. It just seemed to have significant meaning to me, these ice luminaries. He died on a very cold day- represented by this ice. Yet, they are so beautiful to see when lit, ice and fire together.

So, in a one gallon ice cream container that I had filled with water (3 times) - then followed by a stint out in the coldest January for a long time - the water froze almost. It did bear some watching. It took about 9 hours (times 3) to freeze almost completely. The goal was that there would still be a liquid center, that I could break through. This inside hollowed area would be big enough for a candle. I made three of them this year, just in case one broke, my goal was to have 2 to take out to the grave today. I had been able to keep them outside on my front step until last weekend when the temperatures climbed to near 50degrees. By the time I got out to them, they were well on the way to melting! I salvaged two of them and stuck them in the freezer.

So, this morning I made my trek out to the cemetery early before work. With me, were the two ice luminaries and a container of votive candles and matches. I had emailed the kids yesterday to tell them of my plan to have these out on the grave, "just in case" they happen to be out there today. I haven't been out there since before Christmas. I just sometimes don't like going by myself. The kids and I have talked about it and their dad isn't out there! I know that too. But, today - I was paying my respect to him. I trudged out on the hard snow. There are many deep footprints in the snow that go up and over Bruce and around the back of him. Lance did attempt to change the batteries in the green light that is on his gravestone base at Christmas, but with the cold and who knows bad batteries, it isn't lit. I guess I will deal with that when spring comes. In my email to the kids, I told them I had two ice luminaries this year. Maybe next year, there will be three and every year after that another! I joked with them and said something like, just imagine when I am 80 ------- there will be 26 ice luminaries out on his grave. Imagining myself traipsing out there and diligently lighting all 25! I guess I have to make light of this day. Otherwise it just seems to suck badly!

There is much I miss. Tonight I was emptying the dishwasher and was reminded that Bruce almost always emptied it! He felt like he was really helping me, and he was. My kitchen isn't very big so you can almost empty the dishwasher standing still. I can still see him standing in the kitchen putting dishes away almost every afternoon when he would get home from work. Tomorrow is garbage day, and almost every week, I am again reminded of this task I have assumed since he is gone. I looked at the oil change label on the car windshield tonight. I have about 1000 miles to go before I need to have it changed. I will get the tires rotated this time too. On Sunday before the Superbowl, I went out and carried in another load of wood to start a fire. Heaving my canvas carrier with a wide stance, I slowly walked down the steps. if I am careful, I will have enough wood for several warm evenings. These are just a few of the things that he did and now I do.

I know that better days are ahead. I have a trip with 9 friends to Texas planned for later this month. In May I plan to go to California. There will be many moments spent with family. I am looking forward to warmer weather and spring time. Our widows group has really jelled, 13 women were over here on Friday for a wine tasting that included much laughter. Lance & Shayna have plans to move somewhere to find jobs out west after graduation and I hope I can be part of that process. I am very much considering a trip to Africa in the fall to see with my own eyes an orphan project I am supporting. There aren't many dull moments in my life.

So, to end on a high note, this will be my final blog. I have decided to close this chapter of my life on February 3, 2009. This process of grieving that I have been in and expressing through this blog has revealed much about me, my family and my thoughts. I did it because it felt right to do. Now I am quitting because it feels like it is the right thing to do. I want to move on. I am not sure how I am going to do that. But, I am ready to begin a new chapter. Maybe I will begin another blog, but for now - Deb After Bruce 2 years in the making says - Farewell, Godspeed and Thank You - to all who responded, supported me, shared your thoughts either via email, in person or not! My hope is that something I said along this journey I have been on impacted you in a positive way. And....if ever I can be of help to you or yours, know that I am just an email away.

debra.tokheim@sbcglobal.net