Las Vegas Yesterday - Here today

It was a short night last night. Getting up this am to go to work took some effort! You see, my late flight, the drive home and a little prep for today - the head hit the pillow around 0215 military time!

Even though I was still charged up from the bright lights of Las Vegas, it felt good to be HOME ... in my bed... especially after the rocky flight over the Rockies~ yes..it wasn't one of the smoothest on the way home. As I contemplated my options as the pilot warned us of our impending rough ride - a calm peace came over me. Was Bruce outside my window somewhere with all of the other angels? Trusting in technology and odds - I relaxed knowing I had no control for my demise. And, I really didn't care. Whatever was to be, was going to be, and I was going to be OK. Soon we were on the ground. It was even fitting that I traded places - my good aisle seat in the middle of the plane with a young man who claimed he had just wed the lovely young thing who had the middle seat next to me. So, yes...I took his seat after congratulating this young couple and went to the very rear of the plane. Happy for them - I have accepted my loss - my aloneness - my singleness - well, at least that is how it felt last night.

I met up with my sister and my friend for a 3 night stay in Las Vegas. From visiting my niece who is a freshman at UNLV to the many miles of tread put on my feet and all of the chatter that three 50-something women can make in a hotel room - it was very fun and very good for me.

Yes, I thought of Bruce almost non-stop. As we landed in Las Vegas, the big green MGM greeted me. That was 'our hotel', where we usually stayed. From the first time I walked through the casino, the noises, the smells... all of the many memories of times spent there surfaced throughout our stay. But, for the most part my sadness was kept at bay. That was until we stopped for a drink at a lively bar in the TROPICANA that had a great band playing. My sister immediately found a table near the dance floor and we three middle-aged woman decided to have a little fun. Not afraid to get up and let loose (just a little bit) we three all dance until our feet hurt. The band took a break and the lead singers came down to thank us for the good time we were having. My sister and I split our second glass of wine while my friend was finishing her martini. And then it happened. This lovely older couple took the dance floor. He had white hair - just like Bruce's. He was a similar build - that stocky shorter build - trying not to look at his hair, I stared at his feet. Doing a moderate paced two-step, this lively couple glowed as they danced. Their love was so evident as they smiled at one another. His touch, his look and his dance-steps all reminded me of Bruce. Trying not to cry with tears; I could no longer participate in the discussion at our table. My friend and my sister immediately sensed my emotions - a shoulder pat, a hand on top of my hand - let me know that they were there for me. As I composed myself I shared with them what had happened to bring this 'moment' on. Nancy said, "Debbie, you should go tell them." So when the next band break took place, I did just that. They were from Toronto, have been married 52 years and thanked me for my compliments. And then, I felt better.

As we were waiting in the airport last evening saying and delaying our goodbyes to one another, this dear high-school friend of mine asked me a question that made me think. "When did it hit you that Bruce was really gone?" As I thought, I couldn't really tell her when that was. That being, when did I realize he was gone for good and not ever ever ever coming back? When was it that I finally accepted this awful part of my life? I still am not sure when that was. But, I know I have. I am OK with that feeling of his permanent absence on most days. I think it was when I began to listen to news, to participate in life again on a level that was somewhat normal for me to do when he had been alive. Planning trips, planning my future again - it has happened. Life is real again. It still sucks, don't get me wrong!

I bought myself a souvenir. I have always wanted a piece of Brighton silver jewelry. As we perused the necklaces, I was eying one in particular when Chris discovered the perfect one for me. She said, "Debbie, this one is perfect and I think you should get it" It has two small circular discs. The back one says B Happy. The front disc has a small heart shaped opening that shows the B from the message on the back disc. A smaller little silver charm hangs from it with the peace symbol on it. As soon as I looked at it closer, I agreed. It was perfect. Yes, I know the B really is the Brighton store symbol, BUT...for me it stands for something else. This simple message is so meaningful right now. I am working at B-ing Happy. As Bruce lived out his last week, he many times shared the peace sign in the many photos I took of him with family and friends. Although they may be hard to look at, his endearing qualities were demonstrated even in his waning moments.

Some man asked me to dance. It was a swing style dance. I told him that I didn't know what I was doing unless he directed me. He said, "don't worry, I will" and he did. A little bit better dancer than Bruce, he really knew what he was doing. Bruce usually just pretended to know and would all of a sudden whip me around. Yet, this guy's forceful directing throughout the dance felt a little like Bruce. It was fun to dance, to feel alive again. Trying to keep my backless shoes on and twirl when he wanted me to twirl lent to extra concentration.

My friend is alone now too. Her circumstances are different, yet we both are finding so many parallels in our lives. As we shared our inner most thoughts, we both agreed that the absence of touch in our lives is awful. From hugs to hand holding - when it suddenly isn't in your life, it is missed. We also agreed that we needed to dance more. This safe form of touch felt good to both of us.

As I spent a moment with my thoughts on this journal entry, the words to one of my favorite Christian songs came into my thoughts. It's title is "WHO AM I" by Casting Crowns, this song is based on Psalm 139 and 52 and Ephesians 2. One section of this song helps me daily deal with me and life and death. It answers that questions with this verse. I am a flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean. A vapor in the wind. Life is just so short. Most people don't get it though. Instead their tempers flare at the impatient moments of our days. Yesterday Las Vegas, today - Matthew and tomorrow-Avery. There will be music and dance too; sometime - somewhere.

Thanks Nancy and Chris for a marvelous time in the city that never sleeps. And, neither did we, not much anyway!

Love, Deb (aka - Debbie to close friends and family)