Yesterday, as I was checking email and babysitting at the same time, I had been holding little Avery and decided I would put her up on my big bare desk on her back and watch her VERY VERY CAREFULLY. As I was emailing and watching her like a hawk, she was loving lying on this hard surface. All of a sudden she did a quick twist and was almost turning over. Seeing what she was trying to accomplish, I propped a few 'safe' items out of her reach at shoulder level...just enough to urge her on. One more twist and she had turned. Her first roll-over from back to stomach. With her right arm stuck under her chest, she grunted, wiggled and freed it. Excited..I immediately picked up the phone and called her daddy. "Ty, at 9:50am today, your daughter rolled over for the first time!" Explaining the circumstances, he immediately told me to get her off the top of my desk. Being a good grandma, I reassured him, I would watch her 'like a hawk'. This rollover was exciting to see. Of course, I would have traded places with her mommy in an instant for her mom to have seen it first. And, like a little champ, she repeated her new feat for daddy when he came for lunch. And again last evening for her mommy.
Last evening I went to GRIEF SHARE group with my friend who is a widow of 8 weeks. It was on losing one's spouse - aka "OUR TERRITORY". On the way down to Red Wing, Diane told me how she had had one of those days where it just doesn't seem like he should be gone, a "it can't be" day. I immediately got goosebumps. I knew exactly what she was talking about. When these goosebumps overcome me, I sense it it a physical reaction to this deep unknown emotional psychological chasm that may be connecting me to Bruce and his spirit. The area where our souls connect.
Diane has a daughter that is pregnant and she is worried about her. Is the impact of losing her father affecting her pregnancy? Some early contractions have caused this concern. And, of course the thought that she doesn't want this baby to be at risk.
As the evening progressed, we watched a video about losing one's spouse. An area that greatly affected me was when they talked about having a daughter and that her father wouldn't be there to walk her down the aisle. I immediately found myself sitting up straighter and paying more attention. This was an area of great concern for me when we found out Bruce's stage IV cancer diagnosis. It was important to Abby our daughter as well. I remember one night she and I lying in bed crying together about the 'how, what, when and where ' of her wedding day. During the discussion last night, I brought up my concerns. And with them, the choking sobbing tears ran. There is a couple there that just lost there young twenty yr old daughter. He had talked to me just a minute before our group started. A farmer, he shared how he sometimes just loses it in the tractor out in the field. We talked about the safeness of a cab or a car to let our emotions run free. So, as I shared how this affected me, of course, it affected this couple and many of the others in the group. Tears flowed everywhere.
Our daughter is a tough cookie. A good mix of Bruce's personality, and a little of me drives her onward too. She is stubborn, straightforward, smarter than the average person and talented in so many ways. She has been going through her medical school years meeting every challenge head on, determined to do her best and be her best. In the past few weeks, she too has been going through an emotional upheaval. The unknown future is scary. In the midst of filling out applications for her residency program, and continuing with her medical school rotations, she has a full plate each and every waking moment. The love of her life is also going through an emotional season. A long term-long distant relationship is nearly impossible for the majority of young couples. This couple has stood the test of time. What can a mom of a 27 year old do to help? Prayers are said for her throughout my day.
On today's opinion page of the newspaper, Leonard Pitt's wrote about Life's Lessons, entitled -
The only way to dance- you see he is turning 50 years old and is trying to make sense of his life. Why some things happen to some of us, how others survive the near death life moments more than once, and for myself and others who have lost a spouse - why? Sometimes there just isn't an answer. Sometimes there is no way to understand all, but instead to accept what is - to cherish the NOW..there is no finish line in life. Some of us are given a chance to DANCE... to live, to love, to continue on with our life. He writes that to be seen doing these things like dancing and laughing and having a good time is the affirmation. The testimony to the living of the stubborn resilience of life. I like his thoughts.
At the end of our group last night, four of us stood to visit, delaying our departure. The idea that we have no control was brought up. The worst that life has to offer has happened to us. We have lost the love of our lives. No matter what we did to try to delay, stop, change the circumstances - it happened. This experience changes some of us. We begin to think we can't change what really happens to us tomorrow or the next day. Therefore, living in the moment becomes so much more important.
This morning, I put Avery back up on my desk - watching her like a hawk! I put on this CD that has music that comforts me and her. I thought she might try to roll over, but instead she was staring at the ceiling. I looked up there too. The contented look in her eyes, her little smiles and smirks made me wonder. Was she seeing something I couldn't see? Was her grandpa smiling at her, making faces and talking to her. Was he telling her what a cute baby girl she is? Was he telling her that he can't wait to watch her dance, just like he watched his own precious daughter? Well, that is what I am going to believe anyway.
Maybe we should all think about doing a little dance today.
Deb
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