Measuring time in gains and losses

(I started this blog on the first Sunday in November)
As I pondered what to write on this FALL BACK in time day, the words - gains and losses were present in my thoughts. Yes, another month has been gained in my loss of Bruce. It has now reached the 9th month. And with that magic number, I can't help but be reminded of how prescious that number 9 has been to me more than one time in my life. NINE MONTHS times three it took for us to wait and wonder and be excited for the birth of our three children. Those nine months too, seemed at times to pass by inch by inch, and yet at the same time, flew by. And now 30, 27 and 25 years later - that time seems like only a wisp of air as it passes by my lips.

I visited my good friends Friday eve. As the three of us visited about this ninth month in my journey, he a rather unique and intelligent human being ~ was excited that nine months had passed by for me. He equated this time to a pregnancy. The excitement of who was being born ~ me... was on his mind as we spoke. I of course, was thinking of it in losses not gains for myself. Although, I must admit, that I am experiencing some refreshed moments that sometimes just don't seem right for a grieving woman. Yes, I should still be grieving. And, don't get me wrong, I am. But it is evolving. The tears seem to come less. I seem to keep those tender feelings in control more, and have replaced the raw emotion with a softer approach that consists of thinking of moments with Bruce in my memory. Re-enacting times spent good and bad - allowing them to flow in and out of my consciousness. It still seems so not real for him to be gone from all of us forever.

The positive changes that I am experiencing are in my mindset and then follow in my actions. I have begun to exercise again. Although, not regularly quite yet, I am again taking a conscious look at myself in the mirror. Never, has aging been something that this woman wants to do, in fact, this woman fights it almost at every chance she gets. The flab at my waist has been calling to me. O.K., I will try to do some sit-ups. One day, coming in from working outside, I found my 25 year old Lance doing a workout in the house, and he invited me to join him. Laughing at me, his workout took on less of a serious note. But, this fun we were having felt good again. I am again ingesting my vitamins and my anti-oxidants. And I am working on eating vegetables/ fruits and lean meats, cutting out fats and carbs is also back on the frontburner. The painful arthritis in my hands and wrists can't happen. Not yet! Well, I am aging, yes I do know that. This month is the month of that significant reminder for me.

And with that ominous day called a BIRTH-DAY, comes yet more thoughts. The honeymoon I have felt to be on in the past few months since our anniversary in August is coming to a grinding halt. Birthdays, the approaching holidays and memories of last year at this time are creeping in on me. I have learned through my grief group that the anticipation of these major life events is always so much worse than the actual day/days. So it seems only fitting that in October I made a major decision for myself that begins on November 20.

I have taken a full time position in a medical clinic in Red Wing as a triage nurse. I begin this new phase of my life on November 20. I had been 'thinking' about a change. And, had mentally given myself an entire year from Bruce's death, when I would begin this process of searching for what I call a real job, with a definition as being - one with benefits. The kids had suggested it early after Bruce had died, but I wasn't ready for change then. I didn't want my life to change. I wanted to continue in the life I had been living with him. And, they all backed down. Giving me my space. And, always telling me, they just wanted me to be happy. And, I guess I am as happy as one can be who is walking in my shoes. Yet, there was a part of me that was surfacing that is saying, "be independent, be self-supportive, don't be a burden on your kids"

So, the process of "just looking", "just scanning the want-ads" began in late September. I pulled out an old resume and had decided I was going to update it. At about that time, I saw a job posting that appeared to be something that would be a good fit. What the heck, I could just practice - go through the steps - see how far I got! Little did I know or think about the fact that it might be right for me. As I practiced during the interview the first week in October, I found myself envisioning what working in Red Wing at this Medical center might be like. I found myself envisioning the scenic-no-hassle drive through beautiful Wisconsin along the Mississippi and I found myself thinking I might like the change of pace. Since I was "just practicing", I took that approach for asking what I wanted, which was that I could not start the job until mid-November if they were to offer it to me. One week later, I got the job offer. They were willing to wait for me. It isn't often that a full-time Monday through Friday day position opens up for an R.N. I will go about this as I do most things in my life. I will give it my best shot and see what happens.

This gain feels good. The WAY IT WAS, my old life isn't a loss. It is still part of me and always will be. The way it was is filled with lots of grand memories. Life does go on and I too must keep on, keeping on. All of the things I have been doing, I will continue to do with modification. Matt, the client I have cared for on and off for 21 years will still fill one weekend every six weeks. And, perhaps instead of watching little Avery during the week, I will now get to keep her while mommy and daddy go out on a date!

Bruce would be proud of me! He would be cheering me on. I could always count on him to support me and my crazy ideas no matter if they were right or wrong for me. He loved me so much he too wanted me to be happy, to follow my heart and see where it led me. That measurement of love that wraps around my heart from him will continue to grow without his human presence. That is what eternal love is all about. This way of looking at his loss of human existence by replacing it with a growing eternal love always and forever softens this ninth month. And, if he were here, he would be singing some song out loud right now - with his hands moving in gesture to the music, like BORN TO BE WILD....all to make this moment filled with emotion be one filled with laughter instead. That twas my Bruce!

Enjoy your day today. Fondly and forever myself, Deb