14 Months - oooh-MA-mee

Today is the third! Last night, I thought was the third. Perhaps this is progress in grief. Thoughts continue to swirl and twirl inside my head and at moments seem conglomerated into fuzz, gunk, junk, unessential mindless goo!
Yet, there is progress, forward momentum and SPRING.... Yes! Spring may have arrived in Wisconsin and elsewhere.

For me, it is the SECOND SPRING, already ... dos .. number TWO... without... him! That makes me sad. As March 21 arrived, I felt this overwhelming sadness (which has now passed). I remembered other Springs, the excitement WE had. The cold was over and green was on it's way. Bruce always got excited! Like a kid in a candy store, his excitement over whatever was so contagious to those around him. He wasn't built to handle winters, especially cold-harsh-below-zero winters! So, the Spring for him and for me was always such a welcoming sight. I am excited to see if OUR pair of mallard ducks return to OUR pool cover that is filled with ice...it is beginning to melt around the edges.

OUR is such a sad word to Widows! Moving from OURS to MINE may take me YEARS! This is a warning to all of my dearest and beloved family and friends. Love doesn't stop when someone dies. I was thinking about this on my walk tonight. How, perhaps..the grief one feels is because in HEAVEN there is no grief. Perhaps, when a couple love one another so much...almost would walk to the ends of the earth for one another...perhaps the grief the living partner feels is not only mine, but his as well. With that thought comes some relief in my sad moments I still feel.

I wish there were just all happy days! That would be good. Never to look back, never to be sad, never to feel remorse, regret, guilt, loss... BUT - personally I don't believe that is what I (IN BOLD) am made of. My core is made of soft, mushy, marshmallow, sweet, moments of love, of happy times and I am so grateful that I am who I am! Oh...I have my faults. And, I will be the first to admit them! But, in the end, I love me, and I LOVED HIM!

One week ago tonight, at this exact moment ~ give or take a few minutes, I was arriving in Texas ~ the warm sunny evening greeted me, my brother and sister-in-law and their friends as we arrived in Harlingen for the weekend. I was there ...because I had planned to drive my 83 year old parents home to Iowa. Kent and Lynn and friends were there to have a good time! Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful time.
Any time spent with family is a blessing. Mom and Dad greeted us at the airport to help haul us all back to the BIG HOUSE. The nick-name for the winter home that my two brothers co-own. It is a fun place to go. With pool, hot-tub and 6 bedrooms, a reunion could almost be held there!

I hadn't seen mom and dad since Christmas. It was wonderful to spend such quality time with them. Even if 22 hours of that time was spent with me, behind the wheel of their beautiful cherry-red Cadillac driving them home to Jesup, Ia. The time in Texas was short and sweet. That was OK with me. The break was nice, the weather fantastic...and me - being who I am - a caretaker - loved helping mom and dad close down their winter bungalow and help them re-open them beautiful Earth home. This opening and closing included cleaning kitchen cupboards of expired food. Now, I plan to do the same at my own home. MY MA-MA has always been called MOM. She has a heart of gold. She will never say a bad word about her children. She loves us to pieces. Her boys hold special areas of her heart just for them! Her eyes light up with excitement when she talks about those boys! And, her girls...she loves. It is as if she has complete confidence in each one of us! She doesn't worry about her girls. She doesn't need to. She taught each one of us well.

My dad's health has been deteriorating for an entire year. Between Bruce's death and the Fall of 2007 - Dad took a tumble health-wise. His heart has not been well for years, and I do wonder if Bruce's death had some impact. In fact, I know it did. Dad's words to me, were, "It should have been me, not him!" My folks celebrated their 60Th Anniversary in September of 2007. This almost unbelievable accomplishment for MOST couples was a breeze for mom and dad. Yet, dad was worried he wouldn't see this momentous occasion. MIND over Matter is so so important. He survived. He celebrated. He even went to Texas for the winter again. But....HE was so excited to get back home this past Sunday. To his roots, to his chair, to his fireplace! He said to me, more than one time on the way home. "I thought I would be coming home from Texas in a box!" I have been blessed by GOD so much in my lifetime. One of my greatest blessings has been that I have had my mom and my dad all of these years. Still having the ability to make decisions and communicate to me their thoughts, their love, their memories. My 5 days off from work - was fantastic. A real vacation. Even if I drove 22 hours.

oooh- MA - mee!

I was reading the Food Section of the St Paul Paper tonight and UMAMI is a Japanese word. It is pronounced as the title sounds. I love the word. It means DELICIOUS- YUMMY!It is the 5Th TASTE...beyond sour, sweet, salty and bitter. It is what elicits memories of wonderful food. It is found a lot in MEAT...especially when browned. Or in onions, that are caramelized. And, in cheese. It is also found in soy sauce, chicken soup! All of these are my favorites YUMMY foods! There is really an area of the tongue that distinguishes this taste. And, that brings me back to MOM...she can brown a pork roast like no-bodies business and then slow-cook this meat until tender and still moist. She is a fantastic cook. I was fortunate enough to have some of her cooking this week.

Moments are passing, months are moving. I want to get to the cemetery to plant some perennials this year. My thought was to walk there this evening, but I didn't. Perhaps, I will make it there this weekend, either by foot or by car. I just still miss him! I wish at times the emotions werent' so great. Lance and I had a talk a few weeks back. He told me he too, misses him and not a day goes by that he doesn't think about him. Yet, these thoughts don't bring him back. Nothing will ever! I know that all of the kids feel this way. We just don't say it. Sometimes, I just need to hear it. My gut feelings keep me going in bad days and good. Thursday evenings seem to be the day I feel the closest to sharing my thoughts on my subject. My loss, my life, my moments of slowly, ever so slowly moving forward.

Dad wanted me to write about a couple of old, very old photos that are near and dear to him. One photo is of him and his two brothers. Taken in 1947 when his youngest brother was home on leave from the Navy. Dad was already out of the army, but put on his uniform and had his taken with his two brothers in front of the family car. A HUDSON? Year, I don't recall.

The next photo was of the steam engine and thrashing machine he remember so well from his childhood. His father, my grandpa owned the steam engine. He wanted me to write up a little blurb for a centennial book that is being put together. He wants to submit these photos. He said, "Deb, you can write about anything!" I took that as a compliment. But, yes...I can write about
anything!

Enjoy your Thursday evening. My glass of wine has two sips left. I plan to cherish them now.

Deb