Browns & Greens, Growing & Moving

The colors of brown and green have been capturing my attention for days and maybe months now. I have been yearning to see green outside. And, finally yes - it is happening! The brown landscape - dull from winter is changing too - and so it has been that I spend moments and minutes thinking about colors. I am getting ready to make a change in the house. It is the first time since Bruce has died that I have felt like doing something different major that is. Oh, yes...my furniture moving has continued but painting a wall or two is now invoking action in my thoughts. The family room where Bruce spent more time in, than any other room in our home, is about to get a makeover. I still haven't figured out just what I am going to do exactly, but it is going to be using the colors of brown and green after an inspiration one day while driving to work through the country side. Green was Bruce's favorite color, and for me it represents newness, growth and life! Excitement is brewing, the paint chips are taped on the walls and soon, I hope to get started on this little project.

Lots of things are growing right now! It is exciting to watch all of nature's little miracles happening. Outside my window at work is a young tree. I am not sure what kind, but right now the flowers that form - or whatever the preleaf blossom is called is changing in appearance day by day! Even with the high winds and rains we have had lately, these fragile appearing adornments held on with all of their might! And, as I look across to the horizon - green is blushing the landscape. Maybe this week, leaves will push their way out! I ask myself; Am I weird that I spend so much time observing nature?

I don't know, I just know that right now - it is impressing my soul.

My little baby girl grand-daughter is growing and changing daily. She isn't turning green, but she is making huge strides in the baby world. She has discovered how to sit from a lying position, how to crawl on all fours, how to pull her self up to standing and how to say mama and dada and how to wave bye-bye and shake her head no! She is noticing beyond her little sphere - as she looks out the window, now she sees beyond to the other side of the street! We take so much for granted in our life times. The first year of a child's life is filled with such amazing moments of growth and wonderment! To be an observer of this time again, it brings back memories of being a young mom. My own children in watching Avery ask me, "Did I do that?" "Do you remember this about me, mom?" Somewhere in my memory are bits and pieces of each of their younger days. I wish now that I would have journalled more back then. It seems that written words help jog memory storage capacities in older brains!

This spring, I have felt little bits of changes in myself of MOVING forward in my life. Some days, I resist the tugging to change, to grow. I know it is about becoming, being me. Each of us, no matter what we have gone through in the past year, continue to change to grow to move forward. For some, like myself ... it feels different, uneasy, foreign. It feels as if we have abandoned our old self and our mate who no longer exists except in our memories. This sense of abandonment produces guilt. Learning to accept who we are, our lot we have been given in this life and then believing in ourselves enough that we have no choice but to continue to be moving in a forward direction - takes time! And, so it that I am noticing that I am moving forward - on most days that is.

Yesterday, I helped my oldest son, Ty and his wife Wendy move. They purchased a wonderful family home not far from me. This entire moving experience brought back more memories of all of the moves that Bruce and I had made. We moved from our own homes into the dorms where we met. Then into married student housing, then to DesMoines, Marion, and Missouri Valley, Iowa before moving to Wisconsin in 1986. One more move to our present location took place in 1989. My parents were there to help us each time we moved! As many of those memories popped to the surface of my mind yesterday; sadness would follow. Missing him again! I brought it up to Ty - my feeling that is, "dad would have liked to have been here". The previous owners of this new home were moving out the last remains as we were moving in. They were good friends of ours. He told me, he wasn't sure but in thinking back he felt it was Bruce who had suggested that their home would make a good home for Ty and Wendy. That little remark cemented the deal in my heart. Bruce WAS there with us. Verging on tears on and off throughout the day isn't always a bad thing. It just is a reminder to me of the constant and undying love that remains.

Last evening, I went out to dinner with three of my friends. All of us are widows. We agreed that our conversations are different and feel uncomfortable to others. Only another widow or widower would understand some of our thoughts, feelings and actions! As we drove past the cemetery where three of our husbands lie, I suggested we show Diane "where the boys are"! It was really meant to be a joke, but Diane said she wanted to, and the others laughed and said why not! A U-TURN was made, and so in the dark 10pm of night, we slowly make our way up to the row where 'the boys are' and turning the car just right and flipping on the high-beams, we sat in the car and talked about the guys. Laughing, we agreed that they were probably looking down on us at our crazy antics!

Moving, growing, brown is turning to green again!


Deb