Cranky

I have written a couple of blogs from a computer other than my own in the past week and then haven't been allowed to publish them. It has fit in with the title of this post; it has made me more CRANKY! This morning as I was putting on my makeup and getting ready for the day, my mind was reeling. Excited that I was going to be able to have a moment to sit down at the computer and release these thoughts inside my mind. CRANKY is how I have been feeling lately....then I started thinking about how I was going to crank-out these messages. O.K. Yes, I do know there are a few people out there somewhere who are reading my thoughts. These words I am writing are my 2007 way of that I journal. And being a 54 years old widow, I have decided I am entitled to let it out, feelings, thoughts, disgust...whatever rolls from my brain to my fingertips is going to be written. yes, I might backspace, delete and edit as I read through this journal entry...but it is me!!! Who I am and what I am thinking on this day at this time in my life. So, as words go, here are some cranky thoughts from last week.

I feel like I am exploring and seeing this world I live in from an entirely different perspective. All of my senses seem to be heightened an edgy. This includes my nerves lately. For the past week I have been experiencing an increased amount of overwhelming sadness. It has been difficult for me to deal with. You see, I usually am in pretty good control of my feelings. Yes, I do lead with my heart, think with my heart and speak with my heart on a daily basis. But, usually my head is attached to my mouth, in most cases! When I do speak, it makes sense and I am not being unduly rude, snappy or plain irritating. But, in the past week I have found myself not liking me. Getting into these slumps is not of my choosing. It is just happening. Then when people around that I love, such as Abby, my daughter - I get snappy with her. Last weekend she came home and within a few minutes, she had pulled a brownie mix out of the cupboard and said excitedly she was going to make up some brownies. It immediately irritated me. Knowing that she would only eat one of these brownies, that I would then be left with a pan of them that would eventually get thrown out began to rub on my one nerve! Knowing also how she cooks. She is a great cook, she is a kitchen wizard - BUT....she doesn't do a very good job of cleaning up after herself. I guess she hasn't had to, since I have enabled her to cook then being right there to clean up after her. Now, I am tired of cleaning up messes for her or anyone else. Or at least that was the thought that was swirling that night. She reminded me that we were going to have company that would help eat up these brownies. So..the brownies were stirred, baked and filled the air with a delicious chocolate smell. I of course kept ruminating about the bowl in the sink that hadn't found its way into the dishwasher yet. As family arrived for the weekend to for Wendy's baby shower, we congregated in the family room. Everyone was happy and I a little on edge. I said curtly to Abby, "Are you going to serve your brownies and ice-cream now?" I I knew how I was acting, what I was saying and what I intended to infer from the message to Abby. I was taking out my frustration on her. This frustration,I believe was the loss of control in losing Bruce. I Transferring that feeling to Abby in controlling her to some degree. She did serve up the brownies, they were delicious. I did put the bowl in the dishwasher and my irritation wasn't resolved.

This entire grief thing has gotten a grip on me. When people ask how I am , I have been stating, "well, I am CRANKY!" I visited with a friend the other day and she pointed out to me the following. She said, "Deb, you were in the caregiver mode for Bruce. You didn't have time to be a wife. you have cared for other patients who have dies and that was O.K., now that you are no longer in the caregiver mode for him, you are able to be his wife again and you are now realizing he isn't here! It all made sense. I have been thinking lately that I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, aka - SHELL SHOCK. That does feel aptly titled. I feel like an empty shell. Our home is empty, quiet, large all of a sudden and the routines that were part of my life are no more. Going places such as the grocery store feels unfamiliar and weird. It is like I am experiencing an out of body experience. Being in places I know feels uncomfortable to me.

Learning as I go along day by day, sometimes - minute to minute - that this is how my life, isn't always the lesson I want. Keeping busy, keeping my mind active is a good thing. I stopped down to the office to visit the boys the other day. They greeted me, we visited. Then the sadness came over me. I couldn't answer their questions. I just nodded. I didn't want to cry, but the tears filled my eyes. Both of them got up from their desks and came over to give me a hug. I am so darn lucky to have them close by. Preparing food for my family and others feels good. I have been thinking about the summer months. I want to do a lot of entertaining. I will just change it up a bit, having more potlucks and BYOB. Being around family and friends is going to happen. Everyone will just have to put up with me asking to hear their favorite "Bruce moment"...isn't that the least they can do for a grieving widow? :)

I am also learning that people mean well, they just don't know what to say to someone who has lost a spouse. Sometimes what they say sounds "stupid". Yet, I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings. They just care. We all want to say and do the right thing and in our hurry-up and stressed-out lives, we think we need to "fix" things. I am learning sometimes is is just best to have someone sit with me in silence and let me take the lead. I learned in all of my years of sales that silence is good. Waiting and figuring out what that person needs sometimes happens in the moments of silence, instead of forcing an answer from them. I will try to remember this the next time I am with a grieving friend. Letting someone navigate through their own muddy water by taking the conversation where they want to go is important I believe. Learning that silence is OK in all situations is happening to me as well.

In the car the other day, I was thinking about our memory. When we recollect a memory, we can see, feel,hear, taste and sometime even smell that memory. There isn't a screen that pops up anywhere that we push play and review the memory of whatever we are thinking. It just happens. Perhaps this is our spirit world. Could it be that this is the area of our soul's energy, where our memories lie? Perhaps after we die, our soul's energy lies in this dimension. Does it interact with things in nature, like clouds, dust particles, or flowers? Is that why, when I view the stars early in the morning, or a beautiful sunset I feel so connected to this universe and beyond? Or why the pink rose petals make Bruce think of me? Well, I have gone into deep thought an beyond. One never knows do we? I do feel that Bruce and all of the people I have lost are very near by. It is in the memories that I recollect that I feel closest to them. Your thoughts on these subjects and more are welcome. Fondly and always, Deb