The Mallards are back!

Saturday morning, I looked out of our bedroom window and standing on the pool deck was the pair,the mallard drake and duck! I was so excited that they were back! I could hardly peel my eyes away from the window to make it out to the living room to see them even better through the sliding door. I snapped a photo, trying to get them cemented on film that they really were here; they had come back. I had been worried. It was this thought that sat at the back of my mind, brewing and simmering, wondering; Would they return? If they don't return, what does that mean? I needed for them to return.

It had become an annual event this time of year, and BRUCE was always the first one to spot them - he would excitedly come into tell me; "Dear, guess what? ----------- They're baaaaaack!" and I would then have to figure out what he was talking about. We both got into them taking ownership of our backyard as their little dating and mating area. Of course, we never really saw any ACTION, just two ducks enjoying one another's company. Sometimes they would swim in the water that is sitting on the pool cover ontop of the pool water. Usually only staying for a few days before flying off and not to be seen again until the next annual ritual. On Saturday, I was thrilled with their return. Lance and Shayna came for lunch and I said, "kids, come look!" smiling at them with the delight of a 5 year old, curling my fingers to invite them to the window to take a look. Lance got it! He knew what I was thinking and said..."mom, that's so cool" - just what I needed. Someone to undertstand my goofy good grief thinking.

I want to publicly thank all of you who have called me, emailed me and or replied that you are following my journey on this website. I think of you as a group of people, like a mass of unknown size. ( I was going to write blob, but that didn't sound very nice!) This mass has a huge heart and massive amount of empathy that spills out on occassion to reinforce and cheer me on. The kids are supportive but tentative. I think they are unsure of just what I might say! Worried that this tell all might tell all and that their cover will be uncovered! This is a little bit of a joke, but not really. Taking care of myself is what I am trying to do. I am also very conscious that what I am going through, they too are going through on their own level. They do knowthat they can't stop me. So at times, I am treated with kid gloves from them. We don't talk about what I have written. I am not sure they even read it. Do I care? not really! I know that each one of them have journaled throughout the years. I tried to always give them their privacy. Yes, I may have read a few pages here and there, but for the most part, I respected that part of their growing up years. It was usually only if I was going into pick up laundry or the "I can't stand the way this room looks any longer" entry into their private space - and then see a journal open or lying on the floor that I might have picked it up and read a page or two!

I am acknowledging here and now that I don't know where I am going with these words. I don't know where I am going with my life. I am trying to find my footing right now. For me, writing is therapeutic. I feel like I have lifted off a ton of thoughts when I finish each entry. My sister called this morning. She and her husband had spent time on the weekend reading these blogs. Many of my accounts made them laugh, remembering what my life with Bruce was like. They knew us very well. These accounts make me laugh too. And THAT is one of the reasons why I am doing what I am doing. A great quote I will probably misquote goes something like, "a teacher appears when the student is ready to learn" ;I am not a teacher, but I want my life to have purpose. I do hope that some of my thoughts and reflections will add value, meaning and perhaps a life lesson from our home and my heart to yours.

Speaking of hearts, Abby and I had a conversation about our styles. She is so much like her dad. She is direct! Bruce was DIRECT! Yes, you know where you stand with Abby. She is forthright, bright, and personable just like her dad. What you see is what you get, just like her dad. She is not one bit trying to be someone she isn't.
She was telling me what she misses about her dad. That was his LISTENING skills. Yes, he had fantastic listening skills. I have FLITTING skills. I am flitting here and there, multi-tasking, thinking about this and thinking about that! We spent some time talking about our differences. She said, she had the perfect parent! It was a combination of both of us. What one parent didn't have in assets, the other one made up with. Yes, she did tell me I had poor listening skills. I did know it, but it still hurts. I am going to concentrate on becoming a better listener. I can never replace Bruce's way with her. I don't want to. I do just want to be MORE there when we are in coversation. I am o.k. with the critique. I needed to hear it, even though it stung.

The ducks are/were back. Maybe I will see them again today. I plan to do some yard work. It is something I am not sure I want to tackle. Usually,I did do a lot of it on my own. During the week, on a day off, I would always start. Bruce would have helped on the weekends, but in general a lot of this spring/fall cleanup work would be done by me. The memories pour out at almost everything I do. Every first step I take in doing something without him for the first time is going to be hard. This has been hard, harder than I imagined, harder than I ever would want it to be for me or for someone else. But...out of darkness comes light, out of clouds,peeks the sun and out of two ducks will come new life; aka a little peeper! Happy Spring, fondly Deb