Bomb shelters and grocery stores

I am having trouble wanting to go to the grocery store. I should have gone tonight on the way home from work. I have no bread, except for some dollar buns. I am out of juice and have a cup of milk left maybe. BUT... I couldn't make myself turn into the grocery store. I don't want to go. I don't have an appetite to fulfil. I have no one to cook for anymore.

You see, there is food at home here to eat. Although the refrigerator still is bare and getting barer, I can find something to eat. There are quite a few canned goods in the house. And with that thought came the bomb shelter thought. Growing up in the 60's, we were inundated with thoughts of BOMB SHELTERS during the infamous Cold War...I actually thought they were kind of cool. I remember during the CUBAN MISSiLE CRISIS, I must have been about in 4th grade, my parents having a very serious discussion with their friends during a break in their game of pepper or 500. I heard them saying.."You know, we aren't that far from the gulf of Mexico!" We could get bombed, or invaded and it wouldn't take long before "THEY" were here!" I wasn't for sure what all of this talk was about, but I could SENSE from their voices, that they were scared. I had never heard my parents talk like this before. Maybe that is why...even now, after 40 some years.. it seem so real- that conversation, like it was just yesterday.

So what does this have to do with me, the grocery store and food? My folks had started about the same time buying WHOLESALE GROCERIES... I am not sure how or why, but dad build a little 'walk in pantry' down in our wet/cobwebby/old basement! It definitely wasn't my fantasy walk-in pantry that I have had in my imagination and shared with Bruce for the past 5 years! It did have it's own light in this little room in the corner and many shelves. It was this room, that they talked about making into our bomb shelter. I could imagine what it might look like! The reason I could envision it, was because we took tours of BOMB SHELTERs at the LOCAL County FAIRS. It was one of my favorite things to do. I could imagine having a bed on one of these flat shelves. It would be sort of like camping. Maybe.. Wouldn't it?

This pantry held all of the groceries that arrived in cases to our home. It also held mom's home canned tomatoes/ sweet pickles/ dill pickles/ jams/ and home canned beef. This home canned beef is still one of my family's favorite meals. If you have ever had a hotbeef sandwich w/ gravy and mashed potatoes to die for...then you know what I am talking about. Bruce loved this home canned beef. We got together about 5 years ago with all of my siblings and canned up our own beef. It is marvelous..wonderful..GOD knew what he was doing when he gave someone the gift, the insight to think about inventing a pressure cooker and canning home canned beef.

Right now, I need some comfort food. I need some home canned beef and mashed potatoes and gravy. One time for our OUI VINTAGER's group a few years ago...Bruce and I made this and called it our BLUE PLATE SPECIAL. Store bought food just won't do. Not today, or tonight. I would rather go without, or scrounge for something. I understand why some people eat or don't eat when they are sad or lonely. Why waste the effort? For others, it is about feeding their need to feel loved.

Last night, I had dinner with a friend of mine. She too is a widow. I told her, I have now made the rounds. I am back to the 'first widow' who called me right after Bruce died. We compared notes. I shared how unrealistic I was 10 weeks ago, during our first visit. And, how the reality has now sunk in. My life is now how it will be. I am back in the world of the living. RAW...OPEN...THE REST of MY LIFE IS PLAYING right this moment ...the curtain is up.. I asked her about the grocery store - "was it hard to go there?"... she said what I had affirmed. "OH YES!".

Maybe tomorrow it will be better. I do have a friend coming in from out of town and I plan to PLAN some sort of menu. Tonight, I will finish up the cottage cheese and open up a can of crushed pineapple.

Really, we are so lucky. We didn't have to deal with an atomic bomb back in the 60s'. It was just a scare. I have always had enough to eat and more. I have never gone to bed starving like so many children do in our world. I don't need to go to the store quite yet. This too shall pass. Until then, thoughts from me to make you think. Deb