Grieving Sons and Daughter

The time that grief has taken up in my own days and nights in seconds, minutes and hours has duplicated itself times three in our children. It isn't something we easily talk about. In fact, it is the unsaid words, the glances, the non-verbal responses to something I say in our moments spent together that tells me how sad they also are for their own loss. Like the ripple in the pond, not only are they affected, but their significant others who played such a big part in Bruce's life - in OUR life - and now in my life.

As a very close family before, during and now after Bruce's death; it isn't easy to watch them struggle. Being three siblings, each has their own personality and way of dealing with life's hazards that are thrown their way. As I write these words, I know that they may or may not read them. Guarding my fingers as I type to protect my young is tricky business. Telling enough, but not too much so that each one continues to have the utmost respect from me and from the readers is priority. Yet, I believe every family out there like ours who has lost a father, will know what I am speaking about. Perhaps in my telling our story, there will be healing in another son or daughter. The inner urgings of my heart will be my trusting guide as I continue on.

Our oldest son has taken on all of demands that that roll calls for. He is my business advisor and confidante. Being about to become a father himself, has put him in a precarious and sensitive position. He has so much on his mind these days as he manages our business and waits eagerly to hold his firstborn. His love for his dad is still so evident. As we talk, just the two of us; he shares his deepest feelings. He hurts that his best friend and teamtag business partner no longer sits across from him. He feels burdened and responsible to make our business successsful for himself, his new family and for me. He is trying to help his younger brother get started in the business as well. And with that attempt, at this time - so fresh after the loss of Bruce adds to the burdens he feels. Sometimes his temper shortens as these hurts surface as his protective mechanisms come into play. I wish I could take it all away and make his days seem easier.

As our daughter finishes her third year of medical school, she is working tirelessly to keep her grades at the top of her class. To do this, may ensure a better chance at selecting the residency program of her choice. She too, has tromped on ahead, through the sludge of life as her personal life and education demands her to. She continues to amaze me and all who know her. She keeps her goals on the front burner, she lets her grief ooze out at times, but always knowing she MUST do what she needs to do. I believe she told me recently, that "Dad would want her to do and act just what she is doing!" And that is so right. Of all three children, she is the most like him. Her sensitive but yet direct approach especially lends her the ability to cut to the chase in dealing with me or a patient that she is treating. She emailed me recently and told me she has been "dreaming about dad lately". And, her boyfriend shared with me that she was worried that she was going to forget what his voice sounded like. She trys hard around me to keep her cheery attitude and maintain that composure that everything is OK. Yet, little bits of information tell me that she too aches for her loss.

The youngest sibling may be last but never least in my eyes. The protective armour that he acquired years ago,remains intact to all who meet him. That armour I feel was partly our fault. Our ups and downs of marital bliss or blisslessness threatened his tender youth. I do know how deep his feelings run. As he sits as his father's desk, his heart hurts just as his siblings do. His thoughts are kept out of ear range most days as he walks through his own maze of grief. Trying to honor his father's wishes and become something that might not be him is difficult to do in these first months. And, perhaps it is that he still doesn't know what it is that he wants. It wouldn't surprise me. As, I too have struggled with those same thoughts for years. That is, what do I want to be when I grow up? He treats himself to moments doing what feels good. Like rock climbing and biking.

Learning to live without someone that we have taken for granted is a process we are all finding out. As I feel the need to journal, the keystrokes appear along with my thoughts. The sadness seeps out and doesn't always feel good, yet - I couldn't hold it in. I fear it would explode if I did that. Instead, I choose to write. To share. Perhaps healing will come from these moments spent. I pray that Ty, through his love of music finds release. And, that Lance churns out his frustrations in his outdoor activities. Knowing Ab,in her free moments she is sorting out her feelings too.

I am blessed. I live in the place I belong, with the people I love the most. And, I am attempting to do the right work on purpose. I am learning to live without the man of my life. My love for him continues on. In everything I do, his memory will not fade. We were too many years as one for me to forget him now. The children won't forget him either. He was bigger than life to them as well. He lived large, laughed loud and loved. He lived for his kids. Now, they are living for him. Deb

ps..To Wendy, Luke and Shayna...the significant others of my children. I love you all. Thank you for being there for them and for me. I know that Bruce is looking down from heaven with great pride and admiration at your loving ways.