Deep in...

When I was a little girl, I rode on the tractor with my father up the road to the next farm where we had pigs. Dad was feeding the pigs and I wandered out in the lot with all of these pigs. I thought I was just walking on solid ground, but it fooled me. I soon was up to my little knees in pig doo-doo. Crying ... and upset, my father had to come rescue me. I don't know how old I was, but I am thinking 3 or 4.

I have felt stuck in something lately. It is this uncomfortable feeling of not being myself. The out of sync feeling that one feels when life just isn't going their way. I wish I had that husband, that dad, that knight in shining armor to come rescue me and tell me everything is going to be O.K.

I found a card yesterday that I bought for myself. It says, "Put on your big girl panties and DEAL with IT!" This is going to be prominently displayed in my home. Maybe on my bathroom mirror where I will see it every morning. Now I think I need a pair of RED PANTIES to make me feel confident and strong! Maybe, if I look the part, I can get myself unstuck.

This week, I am now in the reflection mode. After last weeks debacle of life problems that included car issues, working way too many hours, and concern for my dad's health; I totally lost it on Friday evening with people I care and love. Now, embarrassed and sheepish in how I allowed these moments to happen...I have labeled it my 'IMPERFECT STORM'. I found myself swirling in a downward pattern. I wish now, I would have reached out to one of the many wonderful friends I have who have offered me to "call whenever you need me, whenever, day or night". But, I didn't. Instead, I sunk lower than you want to find yourself, throwing barbs and words at someone near and dear. That someone wasn't the real problem. The real problem I am realizing was the failed recognition of WHEN I need to reach out for help.

I do believe we learn some of life's toughest lessons in the hardest fashion. I have learned many life lessons this way. I sometimes have made the same mistake more than once. BIG MISTAKES. All of which I am not proud of. But, because of these mistakes throughout my life, I have become who I am. And, I do love myself - that is on most days and in most moments. But, not on Friday evening. There is no way to take back or put back the words that were said. I pray for healing over time for both myself and anyone I have hurt intentionally and or unintentionally.

This candid camera approach I use to share on this keyboard some rather intimate thoughts seems on most days to help me live on. I don't know how other women in my predicament have done that - Living on. It seems so difficult for me, whom I consider to be a strong independent person on most days. I have so much support, love, and family who earnestly care for me. I don't know how I will ever begin to repay all of them. All of you! For now, I know what I need to do. Hitch up those panties and keep on walking. Thats what Bruce would have done. (but he would be hitching up his jeans that constantly rode down over his no-ass!) He never wallowed in his sorrows. He accepted his fate, his life, our life. Held his head up high and continued on, day in and day out until the very end. Today, that is what I am doing. deb

If my kids are reading this. My heart explodes with love, admiration and pride in how you have handled yourselves over the past 7 months. I am so glad you take after your dad in so many mature aspects of your lives! I love you each and every one to pieces and beyond. Mom