Six Months, Self Pity, Sheer Grit, etc

Today is our SIX MONTH Anniversary! Yes, Anniversaries are usually very exciting times aren't they? Can it really be that he died six months ago already? I must admit the time has flown by, at least some moments of it has. Little Avery, our granddaughter is 2 MONTHS old tomorrow! Anniversaries of death and life. Such absurdities! My attitude is rather in an accepting way this morning. Perhaps it is because I have so many other more pressing life issues to deal with this weekend. But..in this moment I want to share my feelings about Anniversaries.

In a book I received from another widow, which is aptly titled, "WIDOW to WIDOW", the author talks about the Six-month Syndrome - a setback that is suffered after she thought she was just accepting the whole idea and moving onward. Well, I guess I am normal. Even though this syndrome may occur at any time the author states, six months is most common. AKA; - sudden realizations dot my days that account for the highs and lows. When a widow begins to reconstruct her identity, she is given a sudden jolt...brought on by a myriad of things such as memories and every day life stressers. The good news is I am a fairly normal widow and I now know what one of my problems is and I am dealing with it.

In the past few weeks, I have had well meaning children, good friends and co-workers suggest to me that just maybe I need to seek counseling and or medication. I wish at times I weren't a tough old bird and think I can handle everything on my own. But, what you see is what you get. I have too much of my father in me! I do feel strong and feel that I am doing what I need to do right now. My blurbing out on this blog is like a weekly dose of an antidepressant. If I weren't so busy in my day to day life, I perhaps would be expressing more of my sentiments on this screen on a more regular basis, and maybe that would see me further down the road of life. I am thinking about/getting ready to give our marriage counselor a call and set up an appointment in the next month to go visit with this great man!~ In the early 90's, Bruce and I sought his help in sorting out our problems. After almost a year of weekly sessions, we found ourselves in a stronger more realistic and honest relationship. We did find out things we didn't know about one another. We both heard things we didn't want to hear, but in the end... we survived as a couple who realized what initially brought us together over 35 years ago were the ingredients of a loving and enduring relationship. We fought the tough fight and survived, loving one another more each day!

Some good friends of our will be celebrating their 50th Anniversary this month. In them, I see me and Bruce. What our lives were like/would have been like. So, then the self-pity begins as I try to make it through this month. You see, our Anniversary is/was this month. On August 25th, 1973...we began our marriage. It has been weighing heavy on my heart. Will anyone else remember our anniversary? Will the kids? Do they know how much it means to me? problably not..and what would we do now to celebrate? We are celebrating Avery's Baptism on the 26th. That weekend will be filled with company and celebrations. Life and faith celebrations.

RINGS
His ring - Bruce had small hands and fingers! His ring size is my ring size, size 6.5! He lost his original wedding band somewhere on the bike path from our married student housing to class one day within the first 6 months of our marriage. I purchased him a $300 gold band 10 years later when I could afford it on my own. Then, for his 50th Birthday, I had our local jeweler make him a gold band in the same style as my wedding rings. I gave it to him on his 50th Birthday in LasVegas with a card listing the 50 things I loved most about him.
My rings -I have my original wedding band set that is on my finger now. And, then I have a three diamond band that we purchased while on a cruise in the Caribbean the year of our 30th Anniversary. At the time, it seemed extravagant. This style of ring is touted to symbolize the past, the present and the future. (I also rationalized, it symbolized our three children!) Since the funeral, I have been trading off every other month, wearing these two rings. I wasn't ready to be a widow, I am not ready to not be married. I am not ready to take these rings off. I don't know when I will. But, in this same book mentioned above, there is a chapter on RINGS - to wear or not to wear. I barely could read the words, let alone let them soak into my being. Taking the rings off means I have decided to MOVE ON. One idea I could see myself doing sometime is to create a new piece of jewelry out of his wedding band and my original wedding band. Maybe a pendent type thingy. We will see!

I have realized after some deep thought and reading that I must remind myself that a combination of tools will help me through some of the rough spots. Perhaps I have been too soft, giving into tears and sadness and down times. Instead,when I feel myself falling down, I need to take a deep breath from this point forward and grit my teeth and say; DEB, HANG ON....you are in for a ride...and you will make it through this patch of rough weather too! I have pulled out and began to reread Victor Frankl's book, THE MEANING OF LIFE. His depiction of his concentration camp experience is vivid. He shares how some survive and others don't. Sheer will and grit determined many prisoners fate. I want to have that same sheer grit. Ginsburg, the author of the above mentioned book puts it this way, "The wisest prescription lies somewhere in the middle:composed of one part self-pity, one part acceptance and one part sheer grit." The recipe isn't the same for everyone. I know that if I keep tweaking it, working on it...my life will one day be heading always in a forward direction. Until then, August is here, memories are real and important. I plan to take photos of all of my wedding album photographs with my digital camera so that I can do more things with them. Cherishing it all....in this moment... Deb