Milestones ...aka Stone Markers

I have been wanting to write but last week I felt thick, stalled, stuck. I was in a funk. The 25th of August, our anniversary was fast approaching. I could not wrap my mind totally around it, instead my heart was working overtime remembering 34 years of a life that is now considered over -that being my married years.

On Monday of last week, I called out to the monument place to see how the STONE MARKER was coming for Bruce. It was something that had been ordered way back in April. We knew it was going to be mid-summer before this slab of black marble arrived from China. I knew it was in. So, what would it hurt, if I called out and asked them, to see if there was any possible way it could be in the cemetary for Saturday ~our Anniversary. The young man that had answered the phone was the same young man that Lance and I had seen just a few weeks before. He helped us complete the wording, the font style and quote. On MOnday, he said in his monument jargon talk that is was in line to be lettered. I then asked, "if there would be anyway that it might be able to be put before the weekend?" He hemmed and hawed just a bit and then said, he thought so and then the pause and dreaded question came, "Is there a special occasion that you want if up for?" Those words threw me...and the sobs came, the words didn't, except for a grunt of a "uh-huh". I am sure, he has had many a widow do this to him. He then said, if the weather cooperated, he thought it would be able to be done.

So, all week long, I waited. I finished Avery's Baptismal Gown, made her a little bonnet, sewed buttons from a shirt of Bruce's onto the back of her gown and waited some more. I just couldn't get anything else accomplished. I listened to music, I would find myself sobbing and remembering all of those years that had gone by. I babysat one day and worked three more. And then, Friday arrived. I had planned to meet up with a friend who has also lost her husband for the evening. It was their anniversary that day. We had decided to go out to dinner, and remember, aka ~commiserate together. We sat and visited, reminiscing the years of our wedded lives. The food was good. Both of us enjoyed our time together ~but in essence~ we just aren't that happy YET! She has been a widow for three years. Her story is different than mine, but the common denominator was that we both had guys who loved us and we them! Our lives were complete the way it was. We don't feel complete anymore.

As I came back into River Falls that evening, I kept thinking I wanted to go see if the monument had been put up. I also needed to stop at the grocery store. My mind was spinning, should I go up there first? should I get the few items I needed at the store? what if it wasn't up? ....I decided to stop at the store first. As I got into my car in the grocery store parking lot, it was as if I was waiting to see if Santa had delivered the presents as I drove the 3 miles to the cemetary. I tried to talk myself into not being disappointed, if it wasn't there. At 9:45pm on August 24 in River Falls, WI., it was dark. The baseball field next door was lit up, a game was still going on. I pulled into the driveway and slowly made my way up, wondering if I was breaking some city ordinance being in the cemetary after dark. As I slowly drove up and kept my eyes peeled in the northeast corner of the cemetary, I saw it! The small flickering green eternal candle we had installed on the side of his marker. I probably was talking outloud to myself. "It is up, yes...it is here!" I parked the car, opened the door and walked the 20 feet up to the marker. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw our name in bold caps, against the black marble. Tears and sobs came without urging. Here I was on a Friday evening, up in the cemetary crying...half excited and half sad. I touched the cold smooth marble, the rough textured sides and walked around the back to see the inscription we had decided upon. "It is not length of life, but depth of life. ~Emerson and then underneath of the quote, the paraphrase; "he jumped into life and never touched bottom". It looked good. It looked taller than I had imagined. It looked like Bruce. I went back to the car and grabbed my camera and came back to take a few photos. In my black patent heels, my toes felt the wet earth. I found the flower planter, the angel, windchimes and Iowas Hawkeye car decal lying off to the side, forgotten by someone to place back on his grave. As I gathered up these items, I gently rubbed off the dew, dirt and sand...and placed them, rearranging them as if it were my living room, in just the right way. I stood for a few moments. The game noise was over my shoulder. Other lives going on in a regular fashion on this Friday night. Memories of days gone by came fleeting into my conscience. Bruce played softball, fast pitch I believe, he was the catcher. Ty was just a baby. Could it have been 29 years ago already?

Milestones, large stone markers ...were first used in Rome to mark the Roman Highway...1000paces equaled a mile. The word has now gone through many transformations and we use it in many areas of our lives to demonstrate the progress one has made.

Little Avery is now almost 3 months old. We are closely watching her developmental milestones. She has learned to smile. She is rolling from side to side. She is bringing her hands to midline and grasping objects. She is cooing and learning to become social. In a healthy newborn, we tend to accept these steps and not pay too much attention to their significance. Yet, it is such a marvel...all of these firsts that we see her do.

ON SAturday, the kids were very conscience of just how important this day was to me. Abby was the first to acknowledge it. Of course, with each acknowledgement, the flood gates opened. She said, "Mom, I am so sorry, I know this has has to be so hard on you!" Then Ty came over. He gave me a hug, said "Happy Anniversary Mom, I just wanted to come and give you a hug today". Then Lance came home. He didn't say anything. Instead, he said he wanted to help me clean out the rain gutters. It had been a project we had talked about doing in the early spring. As we worked together outside, it helped pass the time. I said to him, "It up!" He said, "Oh....it's up is it?" As we finished our project...Abby mowed the lawn and we spent time together as a family outside on a beautiful August day. As 2 O'Clock (the time we had said "I DO")came and went, I found myself settling into this life of mine. I wasn't going to evaporate, or turn into a pumpkin...it was just another day. I got into the car, drove to the store, bought a longstemmed rose and a helium balloon that was shaped like two hearts and said, "Happy Anniversary"and went up to the cemetary. I stood and watered the plant, fiddled with the balloon and thought. Words just couldn't be said. My heart had already said the words I couldn't say outloud. I loved Bruce for over 35 years. I would tell him the last month he was alive how much I loved him. I would say, "I love you more today than I did yesterday and I am going to love you more tomorrow than today!" Let's get this straight. He wasn't a saint in his earthly life. But, he was mine, my one and only. We do grieve as deeply as we were in love. For me, I am grieving very deeply.

As, I was about to leave the cemetary, Lance came riding up on his bike. I got back out of the car and we walked up together. He put his arm around me and said, "it looks good mom, it's bigger than I expected! Dad would have liked it!" The quote was one that Lance had selected. Later on that evening, Ty and I sat and visited. We agreed, that it felt good to see his Stone Marker up.

Our friends who have been near and dear to us throughout the years celebrated their 50th Anniversary on Sunday. I so wanted to go to their open house ~but not alone! I ended up going by myself, timing it, so that I wouldn't be there too long. Not knowing very many people, I sat and watched their video. As Marge came up to greet me and me her, we hugged. Both of us had tears for Bruce that day. I am glad that I went to their celebration. What fun and good people they are. So much like Bruce and I. To me, their life has been a fairy tale. They met and fell in love, had a family, lived and worked together, made it through good times and bad. They are living their Happily Ever After.