Eight Months - still counting

Yesterday, the THIRD of October at 10:45 pm marked Bruce's 8 month that he has been gone from my side. As I climbed into bed last night, my clock read 10:38. Yes, I was fully aware of the time as it was marching on and marking in my heart and head. As I put my head on my pillow, swept my long hair that has grown longer in these 8 months up off of my neck and became aware of my solitary existence...I thought only for a few minutes before sleep came as a gift. My routine is to place my extra pillows on Bruce's side of the bed. Placing his extra pillow in a row, so that there seems to be his presence even in his absence. I then stretch my arm under his head, under his pillow and whisper "Good Night Honey, I love you"... just how long I will continue to do this, I just can't say, but for now...it gives me solace.

The last few days have been filled with so much emotion. A good friend of ours has been visiting. The Coconut Cream Pie maker, our Food Editor and Chief ZANY Red-headed one-of-a-kind friend arrived on Monday in her mini-Cooper from Des Moines to HANG-OUT' with me and baby Avery for a few days. I can't believe her memory storage capabilities of past conversations and tidbits of information she can so easily recall. What a gift that is. And, what a gift it was to have her be with me. We did all sorts of just regular stuff. We stayed up late talking, we stayed in our pj's until almost noon one day, we went to the Apple Orchard, we took Baby Avery out of state -to MN- after getting special permission from her parents, we went to the Grand-Ole-Ice Cream store in Hastings, we visited Avery's mommy at her work...we went grocery shopping...we went to the cemetery two times. It was fun and sometimes not fun for both of us. But, in the end we agreed that is was 'so good' for both of us!

Last evening as the clear starry night was all about us, we drove back into River Falls. I had taken her to a wonderful little restaurant in Hudson for a glass of wine and some good food. I asked Sandra if she thought it crazy of me to want to just drive up through the cemetery on our way home. She said, what I needed to hear. "No, Deb - I would LOVE to go with you to the cemetery!" My eyes filled with tears. I had just been laughing hilariously fifteen-seconds prior. Now, I was snorting and crying and laughing all at once. Driving past the bright and lively lit ball field, we could barely see the dark and quiet entrance to the cemetery. As our eyes adjusted to the darkness, I drove slowly up the long lane. Sandra said eagerly, "Can we see his light from here?" You see, we had been there just the day before in the rain, Sandra had bought a beautiful mum to put on his grave. She now knew where he was. As we both craned our necks up the hill, soon little flickering lights became visible. The one and only green lantern marking Bruce's spot came into view. "There he is" I said. Backing up, turning around and driving back past him one more time...we both turned to seek out that light. "I know he really isn't here, just what physically is left of him", I said. "But,it does make me feel better to come up here once in awhile". And, Sandra agreed with me.

It must be hard to be a friend to a widow. Especially when you have a husband and a life that is going on in a regular sort of way. I am so grateful to all of my friends. Our couples-friends, I am finding that I can be actually HAPPY for THEM again. It has taken me a while to get to this point. When in my shoes, one finds themselves so consumed with our loss, that it just seems unfair that others can have such happiness. I know it is this passage of time that is allowing me to resume some normal behaviors again. I am not acting like such a little brat, the jealousy is dissipating when I see a happy loving couple together. Yesterday, one of my widow friends e-mailed me. She KNOWS how important those numbers are. She has marked her calendar and every THIRD of each month, she has sent me an email...saying that she is thinking of me especially on that day! It may seem little to some, but to me - that gesture is huge. I want to begin incorporating that same gesture to other women who are suddenly alone.

Ty went to an Insurance Business partners meeting last week. It would have been a meeting, he and his father would have gone to together. It was an overnighter. Bruce always looked forward to these meetings with an anticipation much like a Holiday. I know how much fun he had. How much fun he was. He could be their resident comedian at times, I am sure. I loved the fact that he enjoyed his business and his business partners so much and that their feelings for him were mutual. He would come home and give me an abbreviated condensed version of the hilarious moments and what all went down! When Ty returned, he called to tell me all of what had happened. Bruce had received an award, but was too ill last January to attend the meeting. So, it was given to Ty. He told how they shared 'Bruce stories, and Bruce moments. They all had a 'shot', a toast in his memory! As we talked on the phone and he was filling me in on all of this information, I again got all weepy and sad. It just hits me, my loss, our loss...that he is soooo GONE from our lives. As I recover and move beyond these sad moments I still have. I accept the feelings I experience. Love doesn't just go away for someone when they are no longer in our physical presence.

This counting of moments and months is important. I see myself getting stronger and accepting my lot in life more each day. No, I still don't like it, but I am seeing many more bright moments these days. Little Avery is 4 MONTHS old today. She is my light. Her little smile and dancing eyes can add thousands of volts to my heart. As I shared her with my good friend, she too found this energy that a little new life brings to ones own. She also pointed out as an observer how awesome it was watching a generation (me) pass on my parenting tricks to to another generation (Ty, my son) - teaching him how to get her to make her first loud giggles...

Yes, this retelling and counting of moments are my blessings for today. And, thank you to all of my wonderful friends who keep me going, making these months special by keeping Bruce's memory alive. I, and my children thank you from the bottoms of our hearts. Deb