Oh, I know that I do have half of what is coming to me in the world. But, sometimes, it just seems unfair.
Today was over the top in unfairness. I am still reeling - the emotinal rollercoaster has been activated. Lately, family and life and situations beyond my control have caused me to feel suffocated with emotion. I don't have my better/other half that I could come home and unload on, with or to. OH .....................How I miss that!
This day at work was a hard one. It started out rough and ended rough and lots of rough in-between. I went to work holding my emotions together with the glue of guts! I have no choice. It just was one of those days. Too much stuff that I can't control, want to voice - but can't! So...then the work day begins. I pray on my way to work that I will not break down. The day was a busy one, lots of sick people out there, influenza has hit big-time!
I find myself thinking more and more about what I exactly do. I help people figure out what is wrong with them. I have begun to realize that I failed at this with my own husband. I have at my fingertips oodles of information I could have looked up about his symptoms. Did I ever? NO! Not until he was diagnosed. I wonder WHY? WHY didn't I try to intervene? So, now here I am on a daily basis figuring out just how sick someone is, and then advising them they either need to make an appointment today, go to the ER or Urgent care, etc.. Many times it is the wife calling in to talk about her husband and share his symptoms with me. Many times he is right there with her. I am getting in the habit of asking to talk to the patient directly.
Yesterday, this happened. I asked if I could speak to him. He had been having some sort of shortness of breath after shoveling snow! I asked if he had taken any of his nitroglycerine he had ordered that I was saw on his chart as I reviewed his meds. He said, "no, but I do have it in the pickup in case I need it!" After he and I visited, I told him what I thought he should do. I advised him to go to the Emergency Room now! and I said something like this,
the reason why I am advising you to go is because ............, "You are 61 yrs of age, you have already had 2 stints put in your heart, you have been having symptoms for over 5 days, and you only have one life!" " And" , I added, "if you were my husband I would want you to go!"After an hour, I checked the Emergency Room schedule and he was there! Mission accomplished, another husband saved! Just not my own!
So, here I am helping other people every minute of the day, live a better life! And, yet, I didn't do that for my own husband. How do I reconcile that with myself?
Shortly after I started working there, I found out a co-worker is LIVING with lung cancer. After Christmas, she and I had the opportunity to get to know one another a little bit better. We have had some conversations about her diagnosis. She, recently had been asking me pointed questions about Bruce's diagnosis. Today, we found out her cancer has spread. Everyone is devastated. I, barely know her, but yet, I wonder WHY? Why - a co-worker with cancer - is this a test?
I am not sure I am up for any testing these days!
Tonight, I am like one of those lost sheep that needs a Shephard with a big HOOK, bringing me back into the fold. Romans 8:26-27 I read this morning at 5:30 am, funny how it was telling me then - when I am weak and don't know how to pray, that GOD KNOWS MY SORROWS and the Spirit is there for me and will do my praying for me.
just exactly what I would need to hear and remember by this evening!
The many ironies in my life are not coincidental. Romans 8:28 - affirms that for me.
We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose.
blogging tonight is like singing the blues
Tomorrow, the sun will come out, bet your bottom dollar!
1 comment:
Dear Deb,
As hard as it may be to hear, all I kept thinking as I read that, was "wow God picked just the right person for her job". It won't bring Bruce back, I know. I wish it could. But in COrinth. there is a verse about how He comforts us to be a comforter to others.....(as a pastor once said, "not just to set back and be comfortable!" So I am sorry you are not "comfortable" at all. But you surely are a "Comforter" to so many others. In fact, I share with my friend who lost both of her parents over the last three months, about different things from you blog. You may never even know how your loving words help others. Just know that I love you. I just asked God to give you encouragement and love today. He loves you dearly, and so do I!
Nancy
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