Signs - Life Goes On - Thrilled

Signing in to this blog today, confirms that Life is going on. It seems that the month has been flying by before my eyes and therefore - time and energy have been at a premium. I take this as a good sign. My life is going on in some sort of fashion regardless of my lot in life. My lot in life? What is it? Sometimes I see myself envying those around me for one reason or another. Yet, in many conversations with the kids recently - we all agree - even though we still don't like it - that this is our lot in life. To go on living without a father, husband and grandfather.

A significant achievement happened last weekend. Our daughter Abby graduated from Medical school. I was a proud mother hen! It was obvious to all of us celebrating - the gaping empty space, voice, and laugh that would have filled the room! The four hour car trip to Madison was spent with Abby. We chatted about all sorts of stuff including this which was on both of our minds. I found myself choking up just briefly throughout the weekend. Another sign - that Life is going on! You see, I wasn't blubbering or actively crying, just a tear in the corner of my eye and a twinge in my heart. My entire family, including all of my siblings and my folks, plus Bruce's two siblings all turned out for this occasion. It was such a sign to me of just how much I have to be grateful for. A family that truly cares and supports one another in times of celebration is such a blessing!

I have found myself getting farther and farther behind in day to day things. Part of it has to do with me working full time. And now, with warm weather finally here - I am behind in yard work, opening the pool and spring cleaning stuff too. It gets to me. I was born a Schutte, aka "hard worker", but there is a limit in my age to stop, rest and leave it. The messes I see throughout, inside and outside of the home do bother me, I just can't do it all these days. This too, I see as a sign, I am not sure it is progress, but it is OK to leave things undone. I don't get all twitted out like I used to. Poor Bruce, he did have to put up with my twitting at times!! But, he survived the twitting that I did. And he learned to pitch in, and at times, even to ignore the twitting. And I learned the same- to ignore his ignorances. It is OK not to finish everything everyday. But instead to be at peace with yourself and your lot in life.

It is now Memorial Day Eve. It is the second eve of such distinction! Can it possibly be? I remember last year, feeling so raw, so wanting all of the kids to come with me to the cemetary on this seemingly important day to honor the dead. They didn't. I went by myself. I lived through it. I have hired out someone to make up a planter and water it every week. I stopped by the cemetary today to check out this planter. It looks good. I am pleased since I failed at that last year. The plant died and I felt miserable. She also said she will keep the stone clean. It was dirty today. Maybe in the morning I will take out a cloth and wipe it off. OK....yes, this might be twitting! .... I plan to make up a bouquet of flowers from the yard. Some of the tulips that we got when we went to Switzerland are blooming, they are a beautiful peachy orange, it is such an 'IN' color this year! We were in the airport in Amsterdam, and I had to buy these tulip bulbs. He loved them the first year they bloomed. His last spring! The lilac bush out back is in bloom. They too will be included.

I dug in the dirt yesterday. It felt good to do this. I transplanted hostas and cleaned out flowerbeds. I talked to myself. I talked to Bruce. I do that alot still. If he were still here, he would have been at the office on a Saturday morning, and then coming home about noon. He would have been in and out, helping, watching me, trying not to help, and usually announcing he was going to watch 'something' on t.v. about 1pm! His way of telling me, he was done for the afternoon. He loved Saturday afternoons. He napped on Saturday afternoons. I worked. I didn't mind that he napped. He was home. He was here. That is what I still miss.

Lance was an usher at a good friend's wedding yesterday afternoon and I was invited. It was just down at the ampitheater at the University. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful outdoor wedding. Almost all of Lance's friends were there. These guys are the nicest guys. Several of them approached me, hugged me and actually looked after me throughout the evening. They even inviting me to sit with them at the reception. One guy in particular went above and beyond! He didn't have to do it but he did. Our retired minister did the service. It felt like the good old days, except that Bruce wasn't sitting next to me. Many times when we would go to church or to a wedding, we would reach for each other, holding hands for a time during the ceremony, I missed that yesterday. ( was it me that always initiated this or did he do it too? now I wonder....) This couple is really in love. You see it in their eyes. You see how they are with one another. I connected with them, I had been in their shoes once. It wasn't a lavish wedding, it was elegantly simple. Tears welled in my eyes during their ceremony. I thought of my love! I thought of my wedding day. I thought of days gone by. I rubbed my ring that has our initials in it. I looked at the sky, the leaves that were blowing in the warm breeze. It was good. Life goes on, in another generation.

On our way home from Madison last weekend, I had the pleasure of spending it with Lance, my youngest son. With his girlfriend in the back seat taking a nap, and he as my co-pilot we chatted most of the way home. He was a good sport. I am sure he would have rather been in the back seat taking the nap! You see, I had asked him to read a book I had just finished. He and I do that often. He will tell me that he wants me to read a book and I usually do. So, I was thrilled, that he and I are on the same wave length about this topic. He had started it and was enjoying the read. We spent a good amount of time in discussion of life and death, creation and the everafter. We really didn't talk about Bruce. But yet, we did.

Friday, I checked my email over lunch and saw that a good friend of mine from Colorado has started a blog. She mentioned me, and this blog. And it has caused her to begin her own. I am thrilled to be a part of this communication endeavor. To inspire others with words, that might create feelings - good feelings I hope, so that a tomorrow will be a better tomorrow. And that perhaps a thought might linger on your back burner of your mind, and one day connect with another thought - and just maybe an answer to prayer, to existance, to love, to life will have happened. Who knows? Deep thoughts. Signs that Life is going on.

Today, I cared for my other main man - Matt. We spent the afternoon together. It felt good to spend the day chatting, visiting about whatever he wanted to talk about. A storm was rolling through the twin cities and western Wisconsin. The sirens went off several times. His two weather radio alarmed. He doesn't like storms. He can't control his life, and he definitely can't control storms. He got to spend his afternoon up in his wheelchair. He begged me not to put him back to bed at 6pm. And I wilted. He needs to have control. He needs to live his life with quality and humane treatment. Sometimes in nursing, decisions have to be made that are in the best benefit of the patient. He told me with his special speaking device, "I am SOOOOOOOO happy!" I know, when the next nurse does put him to bed, he will be sopped - so what!! He enjoyed his Sunday afternoon and early evening. and for just a bit, he was in control. He was thrilled and so was I!

SIGNS ------ Life is Going On!