Anger

I am angry. I have been containing myself. I don't like conflict. I never have. And since Bruce isn't here to fuel my fire, perhaps it will just be a little blaze and go out on it's own.
Bruce and I used to get mad at one another, but in the past 5 years, it happened less. And when it did, it usually was in front of company or family. I would think to myself, "great! - they must think we act like this all of the time!"

You see, Bruce and I both suffered from the stubborn-bullheadedness of being middle children. Or, at least that is going to be my excuse. Neither one of us wanted to admit we were wrong or give into one another. (By the way, that is one key to a long lasting marriage!) His impatience with me or a situation usually initiated one of our brawls. Many arguments dealt with driving. My driving - which Bruce didn't like. I drove too fast, I tailed too close, etc. etc. And, yes, I do have the speeding tickets to prove he was somewhat right. He sometimes didn't feel like I was in control of the car during bad weather. On the other hand, it was my nagging about the way he drove that fueled our fires. He would usually listen to me for while, until his nagging tank got filled to the brim, then he would explode!

Now...I didn't like the way he drove either. He drove like my grandma. He was very cautious. He was always thinking someone was tailing him, he was worried that the semi in the next lane was going to hit us, he drove with a big D. He drove within the speed limit. He was probably a safer driver than me. O.K. I will give him credit for that. BUT, he had less experience in city traffic. He didn't like to drive in city traffic and he usually let everyone know it in the car. I would try to avert these bad car scenes by volunteering to drive to the cities. On long car trips..he always started out to drive, then would begin to yawn within 2 hrs. I would then take over driving, he would promptly fall asleep. And at the very first bump in the road, he would wake up in a panic -screaming; "Deb, are you O.K., what the H...is going on!!! his arms would be flailing and it would always scare me to death! This just didn't happen once. He would be reassurred that all was well, go promptly back to sleep until the next time I passed a car..and this scene would repeat itself! I of course go frustrated with him often. Passing cars, trucks or semis was something he didn't do often. And when he did, it was with breakneck speed, his foot would pound the gas pedal, my neck would fling back and away we would go!!

So...he didn't like the way I drove - too gutsy, too risky...and I didn't like the way he drove.
One time we were headed to Iowa to visit my folks. It was in the Spring, we had planned to go help mom do outdoor stuff for Mother's Day. We had gotten a late start. ( I wonder who was the cause of that!) So, of course, I was hoping to make up time on the road. Well, Bruce was bound and determined to stick to the speed limit. Finally after 3.5 hrs, and me goading him, he finally got up to 65 on a county road 15 miles from my folks. .... You can imagine what happened next! Yes, he got pulled over and a ticket! Needless to say, he was right, I was wrong and then he was mad at me for "making him go fast"
Many of these car stories involved our kids. They will attest to the temper Bruce had, and my stubborness in the car. I have made him stop the car and I have gotten out, bound and determined to walk the rest of the way home! Not all pleasant memories. I believe this is what they call the 'spice of life'.
Bruce's impatientness was really evident if we pulled up to a drive-through to get fast-food. Invariably, his order was screwed up. Try as we may.. something would be missing and it usually was his own order! As the kids grew up, we even went through a period where the order was 12 cheeseburgers and 12 fries.. there would be no choices made by them. Easy, simply.."can they screw this up?" he would say. His intolerance for mistakes in the restaraunt industry must have been fueled from his days at Shakey's Pizza Parlour working with High school students.

So, as these anger memories return to the surface. I am trying to analyze why I have been the calmer of the two of us! I do know, my upbringing was much more casual than Bruce's. The intensity he had in his family home especially from his mother caused him to ignite quickly. On the other hand, my mother was Mrs. Cool, Calm and Collected. I think I have picked up her qualities. Oh.... I can FLARE UP...and that I got from my DAD! No doubt...if you get under my skin, watch out.. no holds barred deb will come out kicking, biting and scratching if need be.

Maturity was a good thing for both of us. As we both turned 50...we learned that it was easier to agree than disagree. It was easier to say, "Yes dear!". We got smarter about choosing our battles with one another. And, not every point did we have to prove to one another.
In my internal agreement with myself to pick and choose the battles with Bruce, I decided his health could no longer be my concern. He had to be the one to decide to make changes. That was very hard for me to let go of. As a nurse, care giver, mother, wife and lover; I hated the fact that he smoked, that he ate too much fat, that he didn't get enough exercise and that he acted like he didn't care! I am angry that I couldn't make an impact on the man who professed to love me more than everything else in this world. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Maybe tomorrow, it will go down a bit more easier....
Deb