The Irony of Providence

Two words have been popping into my thinking these days. Irony and Providence. I had to look both of them up to make sure my brain was thinking straight. Irony is defined as a figure of speech in which the words express a meaning that is in the direct opporsite of the intended meaning/ or an outcome of events contrary to what was,or might have been,expected. Providence on the other hand is defined as the foreseeing care of God or nature/ God / or care exercised in providing for the future.

I am not sure who is exactly steering my boat of life, but I know for a fact that who ever is in charge is pushing the buttons that are labeled IRONY and PROVIDENCE.
Because Bruce's untimely death wasn't in our future plans and seems exactly opposite of what I would have wanted or needed at this time of my life, it seems ironic that I am in this situation. Yet, there are many markers, much like mile markers that are popping up that are demonstrating that it is part of a grand plan.

The little baby that is soon to be called our grandchild is the first of these signs. His or her parents-to-be worried that a baby of their own might not be part of their life. So, getting the news in October that a life was stirring in the Tokheims' future was so exciting for us. May is right around the corner, along with spring and the birth of our first grandchild.

The quilting classes I had been thinking about taking for a few years but never had are now in progress. The putting together of pieces of fabric has given me so much food for thought. As I am piecing together my future, my past is being dismantled. All that I have known for so long, on how to live is no longer. I think about the craft of quilting and the history of how it was that our foremothers used old clothing to make a blanket. The love that was hand-stitched into each quilt and the time that is involved is mind bobbling to me, a new-age quilter using the sewing machine to speed up the process. It has been a gift to learn this craft. The concentration, the exactness required are skills that I have needed in my life. There used to be a saying about, "I'm not taking it to the fair" meaning...I don't need to be perfect in whatever I am doing. I must admit it was something that came into my thoughts when I would be working on a project/ cooking/ cleaning etc; because it had been ingrained as a child. I understand and like the concept of not being perfect. I AM NOT PERFECT by no means. Trying and doing my best has been part of the life I have lived. Yet, perfecting little things like measurements of small pieces of fabric to get the desired end result is critical in quilting. Working on this small but important skill is rubbing off on other aspects of my life. Perhaps I find myself backspacing a bit more in my journaling. Or, using less exclamation points.

The quietness that has surrounded me is deafening at times. And in that I see the irony of life and death. Bruce's loud voice, unique laugh and overwhelming presence was part of my past so that I can appreciate my future. His way was edgy, rough and definitely one a kind. At times I was embarrassed by his gruffness, his directness, his uniqueness. But, now I know why we were paired together. He was a teacher for me. While he was alive, I didn't need to have these qualities as long as I was with him. From now on, as I am going about my life, what would Bruce do, say or think might be popping into my thoughts as I too ponder how to handle a situation.

As I got out of the car last evening, I noticed the tulip bulbs are pushing up out of the ground. These are bulbs we purchased at the Amsterdam Airport in the fall of 05 on our way home from Switzerland. (Our last big vacation together) They are weathering the cold, snow and ice of life. Their determination to break forth is innate. I can't wait for them to bloom. In those last two sentences, I see myself. As ironic as it seems I too am determined to move through this grief process and bloom again. When I was a manager with Weekenders for several years, we named our group. I used the acroynym for my name. DEB...Dreams Ever Blooming. At the time, I wondered if was a bit silly and over the top. Now, I know it was meant to be. It is me. The coldest day in February has passed and Spring is upon us. Life is bursting forth.

The black and white, cold and hot, death and birth, quiet and loudness of life is all around us. Newness of meaning happens when situations change in one's life. May Good Friday and Easter weekend point out the irony and providence that exists in your life too. God Bless Debbie