A Legacy of Love, His Fate

Do you believe in fate? Webster's dictionary defines fate as

the ultimate power by which the order of things is prescribed?

I do! Although I can't perhaps describe exactly how it works or who is in charge. (although I do really know!) I believe that Bruce's life was to end when he was 55 years old and his legacy was to spread his version of love throughout the universe. Well that really sounds grandiose and almost hippie-ish! But, after the week I have had, I am again reminded that my God is in charge of my comings and my goings and no matter what I might do to control them... my life is going to play out in the order in which is was prescribed ... my fate will happen as well.

So, just how did this all begin? My writings do play a part in all of these happenings by the way! And, these writings are just a part of my story. I feel as if I am writing to the universe. Who reads this, I don't really know. Do I care? Not really, but yes, I do! One time in my life I would have cared a whole lot more than I do at this moment. It is these jumbled thoughts in my head that I want to somehow get out in a message in this blog that has caused me to care for anyone who is on my path.It was this feeling that I didn't know what to write about. That, my life was going on in some sort of fashion and actually in a not bad way. You see, the last few weeks have been good weeks for this widow of 8 and 1/2 months. And, that was causing this dilemma. What message was there to give to the universe? Maybe my writing days were over.

I love FALL. The early morning night...when I go out to get the paper at 5:30am and the stars are big, bold and bright overhead. I see Orion and nod to him. Knowing that he is my compass of the night. I love the fall colors. The bold bright oranges, golds, bronzes, browns. My sisters are redheads and look fantastic in all of these rich fall colors! A bit jealous, my fair skin, my very dark hair (which is going to stay that way!)- doesn't agree with the colors I feel closest to. Then there is the dawn of day when the purple eastern horizon yields to the sun. Eventually the shades of purple become violet and then blue as the sun peaks it's orange head. In the evening, as the sun sinks into the west, it casts its long rays across the barren gold fields as the moon rises early. It is bold, white and so close. Almost as if you could touch it. Last night, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the DUSK was. In the grocery store, I insisted to the teenage checkout clerk, she HAD to take a 10 second break and soak in this view!

This sense of nature has always pervaded me - my being. Why - the season of death? All of my grandparents died in the Fall. This seems to be when everything crumbles, dies, wilts, why would this be the season I cherish?

I now think I know. A question I have had has been answered. On my way home from the Grief Group I have been attending, which by the way was on the topic of WHY? Why? did Bruce die? I had the radio on. The dial is usually set to NPR. Jean Ferracca on Monday night had a guest who had written a book. Dawna Markova was being interviewed on her book,

I Will Not Die an Unlived Life

. She was speaking about her Russian grandmother. My hearing immediately sharpened. My two grandmothers and my great-grandmother played a big part in my growing up years. As she spoke about times with her grandmother, I too began to have fleeting memories of my grandmothers come into view. In my early years, I had the privilege of having my paternal grandmother visit me weekly at our home. Her name was Myrta, pronounced Mertie, I, being the only child out of 5 in my family with black hair, and she, having black hair - well, of course the bond and my identity had been made. I was called Little Myrta. She was a lady in all respects. Always in a dress, nylons and heels, she personified to me who I was to be. She didn't drink milk, neither did I! What she did, I did. I don't really remember having any big philosophical talks with her. But, what I did receive from my Grandma Schutte was a sense of love and acceptance. In my later teen years and early mothering years, it was my Grandma Whitney who I had to share moments with. Every child need to have one adult in their life. Markova notes what Rachel Carson writes in A Sense of Wonder, "If children are to keep alive their inborn sense of wonder, they need the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, discovering with them the joy, the excitement and mystery of the world we live in."

As I was finding Dawna Markova's interview on the NPR website this morning, and reviewing what she has said in her interview, I recognized Rachel Carson's name. I knew I had heard it before. So, googling her name, I thought she was the lady who had written a very important book about our environment - You see, I had taken an Environmental Studies class two years ago this fall...and we had learned about Rachel Carson. When I saw the title of her book, Silent Spring, the tears flowed. I know, I knew... nothing goes unchecked in our lives. My God is overseeing everything. He knew that I would need to know about Rachel Carson someday. Oh, the naysayers will say: "Come on Deb, you are over the top now!" You are going off the deep end! All Freshman students learn about Rachel Carson!".... And I will say to you, you are right. But not all Freshman students are 53 year old women whose husband will die in one year. Her spring will be silent, and so....so what?? you say??? what does this have to do with Bruce? with Deb? with our FATE, with our LEGACY?

The CONNECTIONS we make or are made in our lives not only affect the people we live and work with and love. But, our connections are inter generational. And FALL for me is the culmination of all of these connections. From life to death...the circle of life for one more year has been completed. Knowing and trusting in nature, that after the cold of winter - life will resume again - in the spring. Year after year, century after century. Generation after generation - our connections continue.

Dawna Markova knows this too. She knows that what her grandmother taught her, she too will pass on to the next generation. The love from previous generations is passed into the next.

Bruce didn't get to hold little Avery. But his love will be passed on in so many ways. I can envision what he would be saying and doing with her. And, so can my sons and daughter. They are part of their father. They were taught to love, to laugh and to have fun in the moment. This, is what they are teaching the new generation of Tokheims.

Twice this week, it was nice enough out to go outside as I did my daycare stint with this precious human being. Although she is just 4 and 1/2 months old, I am already conditioning her to know that Grandma is going to be teaching her a lot in the coming years, God-willing. In her car seat, she was mesmerized by the sights and smells of Fall. I raked leaves, pulled dead weeds and communed with nature. As I worked, I couldn't help think about how awesome these moments were. Even in the drudgery of doing this work by myself, I felt good. I would look at her every few seconds and say something silly, some high-pitched baby-babble talk to get her to smile and, she always would! She would kick her feet and look directly at me, communing back that she too was enjoying this day, this moment that God had made.

I want to get this book by Dawna Markova. She is on the right track. We do leave a legacy for others. We need to all become more aware of just how important our legacy is to the coming generations. I plan to read Rachel Carson's book, A Silent Wonder as well. I feel I am being directed to these women.

Last weekend, my daughter Abby and I went to see, Into the Wild. This must-see movie, recommended by my son, Lance is deep and affecting. This true story about a young man who wants to figure out his life and just who he is- left a searing impression. Although I had read the book a few years ago, the movie again impacted the deepest parts of my being. who we are and what we do, does affect others. That is the connection!

I plan to be the best DARN GRANDMOTHER that this world can have! O.K., I will concede. I will TIE for BEST DARN GRANDMOTHER with all of the hundreds of thousands of grandmothers out there who want to leave a LEGACY of LOVE to the future generation of children.

Thank you Bruce, Thank you Rachel Carson, Thank you Dawna Markova.

and Thank you God, for helping me to see my purpose in BEING.

All things have their season and in their time all things pass. My FATE is to be determined.

Sincerely,

Deb, aka Grandma