The D'rothers, Sunday blues and more

Today was a reminder of winter's wrath. Although the snow is very pretty to look at it, it has reminded me of the deep cold stillness that seems to say death. I decided I was going to try to do some cleanout of something that was 'his'. I started with the little pottery bowl on top of our dresser that held the things from his pockets. Bruce was great at emptying his pockets before putting clothes in the laundry. I never checked his pockets for stuff, I didn't have to. As I pulled out the little receipts and ticket stubs and began to sift through it, the tears began to flow. Here were the remnants of his life. The Iowa Hawkeye ticket stubs from three of the home games this fall. I bet the others are in his coat pocket if I look. A ticket stub to 'Borat' the movie that we went to on November 24. It wasn't a very good movie, we did laugh hard in some places and felt uneasy in other areas of the movie. I had just wondered last night, if that was the last movie we had seen in the theater. I believe it was. There was a grocery store receipt of "his stop at the store" On it were the things he liked to eat if I wasn't at home. Chicken pot pies and meatloaf dinners, Iced molasses cookies for his sweet tooth, Old dutch potato chips and ham spread. Pepsi rounded out this $28.00 bill purchased on Nov 14. Looking back at the calendar, this was when I had driven my folks down to Texas. It was his "Home Alone" food. There was the receipt to Mariachi Loco, the local mexican restaurant we went to on his 55th Birthday, on December2. He had his picture taken in their big Mexican Sombrero that day with his free ice-cream sundae. There was the bank reciept of a deposit he had made. With the $100 in cash withdrawal marked. He always gave me $50 and kept $50 in cash for himself, every two weeks without fail. At the bottom of the bowl were three casino chips from one of his last trips to Las Vegas last spring. Several LONG GOLF Tees looked like pickup sticks in the bottom of the bowl. He was so proud of the results he would get when he used these long tees. I even began to use them with mixed results. Then two golf balls sat on top of the nest of tees. One had some dirt on it. As I picked it up, the tears ran, and the sobs began. I wonder when he had used this ball last?
Bruce was a neat guy. He picked up after himself. He didn't like messes and neither did I. We sometimes would get frustrated with the kids and their inablility to see the messes they created. He always took care of the family room. Getting out the vacumn cleaner and cleaning up around the messy woodburner. It wasn't the best job, but I was happy that he was doing it. I tried not to point out that I could do it better and about twice a year, I would do just that. A thorough deep cleaning of the family room would take place and I would feel better.
He also learned to fold clothes exceptionally well over the years. I sometimes couldn't tell who had folded the t-shirts, him or me! He used hankerchiefs. I never really liked to wash them, but wanted to iron them for him. I groveled at times when I would have to soak and clean them. Ironing them, made me feel better. Like I was sterilizing them. We had many conversations.. I can hear him telling me, "Honey, you DO NOT have to iron my hankerchiefs!" and I would say, "But, I want to, so there!"
These are the Drother's I am talking about. I'D RATHER have him here, cleaning the family room a little bit shoddily, missing some wood chips and not sweeping up around the fireplace and having to iron his hankerchiefs again THEN not having him here anymore and doing it myself. It just isn't that much fun all by yourself. Even the pottery bowl full of receipts that I used to look at and grimace, "why does he keep all of that crap" I would think. Now, I look at it as treasures of our life. Reminders of how it was not that long ago.
There is another new widow in town. I plan to get in touch with her. There is healing for oneself when you put yourself out there for someone else. I feel better already, just writing this today. My heart feels lighter.
Our neighbor came over to help Abby and I clean out the driveway. His snowblower made fast work around our shovels. He said, he was doing it in memory of Bruce. He said, he looked up to Bruce as his father. Sometimes you don't know the impact you are having on someone else. He said Bruce would have done anything for him. I believe he would have too if asked and given the opportunity. I have made some sugar cookies today. Little snowflakes and mittens. As soon as I get them frosted, I will take them over a plate for all of his work. Life goes on... until tomorrow Deb