What's in a date or a number?

After struggling for a few minutes to figure out how to get back into the website. (Lesson learned today: write down user name and pw somewhere!) I am now ready to post again. Thanks to my cuz'n in CR who is following my journey! Bruce's last Iowa Football game in November he will ever view from the stadium was with this cuz'n and her husband. We had a grand time. She and I sat in our season seats on the end zone, and Bruce and Steve sat on the 50 yard line just a few rows up. Compliments of Steve's work!! Bruce was in heaven for that game. As we were walking to the game from the parking garage, Bruce was ahead of me. We had climbed up a couple of flights of stairs out of the garage and were making our way to the stadium, all on a slight incline. He stopped, turned around and I saw in his eyes the struggle he was having. His eyes said, " I can't breathe, I can't get my breath, I need to use my inhaler!" It was a very scary look. I immediatly said," Bruce, are you alright?" he grabbed his inhaler out of his old brown leather jacket pocket, inhaled twice quickly, nodded and began walking again. That was Bruce. He was struggling with his breathing for months prior, BUT..he wouldn't let on, say anything or admit it. He was just too darn proud. After that happened, I shared with my cuz'n that I was worried about Bruce. He smoked, couldn't quit and that I had noticed his breathing was a lot more labored, especially the coughing on and off.
In our relationship, it was common that sometimes the most important things that should be talked about weren't. Health issues Bruce had was one of those subjects he didn't want to talk about. Now if there was a genie in a bottle that granted me one wish today. It would be that I could rewind our life and I would be a much more assertive and aggressive wife. Demanding that he take better care of himself.
Today is the dreaded thirteenth of the month. I am not really that much into numbers. Yet, Bruce was diagnosed on the 13th of December. So, in just two very short cold winter months, he lived, suffered and died. I am thankful that it was not long and drawnout. He would not have wanted it that way. As hard as it was to let him go, to let his mind be sedated, to let go of all that I knew Bruce was, I can't wish him back unless he were healed. He was not into being a burden to me. He never complained, unless I had an ailment; then of course he also had something similar, just a little worse. It was always just this little funny quirk he had. If I said I was exhausted, he was a little more exhausted.It is something he did - this I am going to miss. The kids would notice it too. We would just smile.
Lance showed up after work yesterday, started a fire in our woodburner and hung out with me last night. I wondered, if the kids had had a little talk. Who was going to go be with mom in the evenings? Since Abby is back at school in Rice Lake, I was planning on being here alone. We ate some leftovers and spent the evening together. I asked him, if he was assigned 'MOM DUTY' and he said, "No, mom, I thought of this all by myself, I want to be here!" What a great family I have.
Well, it is time for me to get dressed and get with it. The skies are gray today. I plan to divide up the cutflower bouquets and perhaps take the best of the best out to the hospital nurses station. When I worked in the hospital, it was always wonderful to hear good things from patient's families. I think I will write up a little letter, get a box of candy (nurses like that as well) and take out some flowers. A little appreciation to all of the staff, from the backdoor to the front door who knew us, cared for Bruce and supported our journey these past few months.
Fondly, deb