Sundays

Home alone this weekend I have had a lot of time to think, cry tears, sob, and think some more. Not feeling the best, has added to my misery. Weekends hold such a vast array of memories and emotions for me. Since our kids have all in the area for all of these years, we many times always found some excuse for them to come over. The boys usually would watch sports with Bruce. A meal would be prepared when Abby would have some fantastic gourmet idea up her sleeve. I usually would just be flitting around, doing whatever needed to be done - laundry, dishes.. help with this or that. Our home just was always filled with lots of noise and people. Bruce was a bit hard of hearing and loved to have the television at full quality decible noise level. Especially if he were watching a movie, I could hear the cannons or gunshots or whatever the intense noise was at any point in our home. Many times I would holler down to him, "Bruce, pleeeaaaaasssseee turn it down!!" So, this weekend, being home alone in a quiet home has given me time to digest all that is missed. The newspaper made me cry today. The TWINS were on the front page. Bruce LOVED that team. Since he was a little boy, he cheered for the Twins. He remembered many games, stats..etc.. he passed that love onto our boys. Last evening I watched Antique Roadshow. We would watch this together, always intriqued at the value in some objects. I am just beginning to realize all the parts of my life that held Bruce in them. Anticipating the sound of his car coming home after work, hearing his greeting to me; "Helloooooo dear!" or his quick wittted sense of humor that would make me bust up laughing. Missing these moments is like when I was a little girl and would get 'homesick'. Yes, that is the feeling I am feeling. I am homesick for him. I want him to come home.
I had a box of CD's I had put somewhere when I remodeled my office last winter. I have thought about this box of music lately. Yesterday, I went on a hunt and found it buried in our furnace room. In this box of music are my favorites and Bruce's favorites. Luther VanDross; we used to sing outloud to his songs when JOKe lived with us. Billy Joel, Carly Simon, Caroly King and more. Today, I am nostalgic for those moments when we were. I know I can't go back. But, I can remember.
The past few months have been a whirlwind. There was no time for remembering. We barely had time to just be. So, now that I am no longer spending my waking moments caring for Bruce, I am going to take time to care for my wounded soul. Today, I am going to let the tears fall on my cheeks, let my makeup run and just let myself cherish those moments that were us. Life is fragile and prescious. Celebrating who we were. Tomorrow, I will think about moving on.
We have two new little TOKHEIMs about to make their appearance into the world. First, will be our nephew's baby - due in April. Followed by Ty and Wendy's little one in May. In a few hours, they will be arriving home with a carload of 'babythings' from the babyshower that I missed. I plan to help them unload. I plan to take everything out and look it over and remember how I did the exact same thing for each one of our kids. Happy Sunday to all of you. Love, deb