Good friends of ours who have also lost a loved one asked if they could make ICE LUMINARIES to put on Bruce's grave. I of course, said yes. The kids and I hadn't been up to the cemetary since the funeral. Yesterday, as I was out and running errands I drove up there by myself. It felt right. The cold, but bright sunny day and blue skies helped soften the brown clumps of frozen earth. The casket bouquet is frozen solid to the ground. The Ribbon that says, husband and dad fluttered in the breeze. I had a quick conversation with Bruce. " Hi baby " ... I had never called him baby, nor he call me that ever.. until he got sick. Then the last few weeks as I was caring for him, I found myself calling him Baby and Babydoll! He was requiring more care and perhaps subconcsiously it reminded me of caring for an infant that I loved.
Anyway... last evening the kids took me out to eat for Valentines Day. They came over to the house to congregate so that we could go in one car. We grabbed a couple of votives and matches and headed up to the cemetary. It was dark already. As we made our way up to Bruce's grave, the kids saw for the first time what I had seen earlier. We lit the candles and put them in the ice luminaries. It was really a cool sight. I had created a small bouquet of 6 pink carnations from the remains of a cut flower bouquet to represent our love for one another. As we stood for just a minute, the cold began to seep into our coats, so we all began to walk to the car. As Abby was climbing into the car she said, "Mom, listen to the radio - it's Dad's song!" Sure enough, the song we had selected to be played along with his video was on. It is the remix of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow and It's a Wonderful World' by some Hawaiian artist playing a ukelele. We had all been in the car together on our way up to the hospital in December when we had heard it played. It had made me cry then, as it did last night. Abby grabbed my hand and said, "Dad knows we are here mom, he is o.k." As we made our way out of the cemetary, I swallowed my tears, cut the sobs into and lifted my chin. We all kept our eyes on the ice luminaries glowing in the distance as we drove away. Even as we got up to the bypass we could see them briefly through the trees. The kids and I have decided this Ice Luminary thing is really a great idea. We are thankful for our friends, Deb and Pat who put them up there. They have also experienced a family loss. They know what might help soften the cold of winter - ICE!
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Deb I shared yesterday's blog with a gentleman I work with. We are doing Biggest Loser at work and he won the half way point giving him $25.00 minus his deposit of $15.00 ending with $10.00. He told me he was glad he won so he could get his wife something for Valentine's Day now. I shared with him your story and told him to show his wife his love by writing a love letter, doing supper and dishes, putting the kids to bed, etc... instead of buying her his love. He thought what I shared was very refreshing and was going to do just that; show his love instead of buy it.
I just typed a whole message out that I think got lost. But bottom line is I appreciate this site, as I did the Caring Bridge site. WHile at times I felt intrusive on your inner thoughts, I felt it so "healing" for all. It is not like you will ever be "healed" though. But the steps you continue to take, are so healing for all of us who surround you. We pray it is for you as well. You are a dear friend, a great nurse, and a great "boss". But I especially feel blessed to call you my friend! Don't forget in the tough times, many of us are praying "you through" this difficult walk of grief you have to walk. May it help even just a little, to know many of us love you and are praying for you!,
Love, Nancy Rowe
Deb I'll continue to say I'm very impressed by your writings. You've inspired so so many people. I totally agree with everything Nancy Rowe has written. Keep on writting!
Deb,
FYI mother is me Julie L. Melissa n's mother.
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