The Wedding

Yesterday was the wedding of one of Abby's best friends. I had been looking forward to going to the wedding. My week last week had been a good one. I hadn't cried. Yes, now I measure my weeks in tears.

Let me take that back; I cried at the Relay for Life Ceremony on Friday night. I went out the the Highschool reluctantly. It was an event of bittersweetness. Many people I know that are SURVIVORS were there..and I am so very thankful, but - dammit; I am there because my husband had just died and his memory was being honored instead. As I walked along the track alone, many people I knew would come up and visit and walk with me for a while. A few of the team members who knew Bruce from the Utility Department in town had his name written on their sleeves. The tears welled up in my eyes as I saw his name. As the slide show was presented to music, I waited to see his photo. His name and photo came across the screen. The friends who were seated around me, reached back to touch me. Just that slight show of empathy caused the tearducts to open. I got a grip on myself. My conscious being begins to think now when I begin to cry. I find myself trying to control the amount of crying I do. I don't want my shoulders to move. I swallow to hold back the lump in my throat that might cause me to take a deep breath. It is awful to feel so conscious of my sadness.

So yesterday, as the wedding began, I had convinced myself that I was going to enjoy the wedding as Bruce would have enjoyed it. Especially the reception and the drinking part! Drown my sorrows is how the saying goes, right? He loved Val and all of Abby's girlfriends. They loved him too. These are girls that have been part of our lives since 4th grade ~ 16 yrs or so. He really liked being around beautiful women and let me tell you, this class of 1998 must hold the title for most beautiful women of River Falls! It was EYE CANDY to Bruce to have Abby's friends continue to come to the house all of these years! Not only are they all beautiful both inside and out, but they are smart! The 9 bridesmaids in strapless robin's egg blue chiffon tea-length dresses made their way down the aisle. As I saw Abby, she made me proud. She was stunningly beautiful to look at! Her upswept hair, her smile and her confident presence. Her gait in highheels would be identifiable if you didn't see her face. She must take after me. As a little girl, I too had a definite little stomp of a walk. And to this day, I still have trouble acting ladylike in heels. Anyway: as the bride began to make her way down the aisle, I couldn't help but cry. This is always when the tears flow, even with Bruce. But- this wedding was especially meaningful. Val had let us know almost one year ago about this wedding date. On our refrig, was the "SAVE THE DATE photo postcard of Val and Chris" The wedding invite arrived in December, the week Bruce came home from the hospital. And, when Val visited Bruce one week before he passed away, they cajoled as usual. She calling him- "Brucie" and he calling her "Vallie". He told her he would be at her wedding for sure! He always had such a positive outlook in front of people. But, now I wonder if he secretly knew he wouldn't be there. Seeing her dad, John walk her down the aisle, brought out the sadness I felt for Abby. Our only daughter won't have her dad physically be able to do that! In my selfish moment of tears, I envisioned that future day. My sons sat on either side of me and both sensed how I felt. Lance first held my hand and then Ty later. I wonder if they had assigned times to be there for me. Seated between the boys and their significant others, I felt Bruce's absence. It was huge. On either side of me was a gap between me and the boys. This was a space of loniliness. Always at weddings Bruce and I would find ourselves reaching for each other's hands. Our shoulders always touched one anothers. Weddings are such a great time for renewal of one's vows to the person you love. So...yes, the sadness couldn't help but be there. I allowed it to ebb and flow throughout the evening, yet controlling the tears. Many wonderful friends came up to me and hugged me. Anytime a male came up to give me a hug, I would tell him from now on, whenever I see him, I expect and need a hug! I do love how this excites the guys, young and old. They all act the part of a good guy! "You bet you can count on me to give you a hug!" Yes, the hugging deficiency is definitely a problem for me. Now I feel bad for all of the times, I told Bruce, " BRUCE.....PLEASE leave me alone, don't touch me!"... as any married woman will attest...sometimes it just gets too much...that is until it will never be again!

The reception was grand and fun! I began by drinking a couple of beers. Steve and Peggy (parents of Sara the nurse friend of Abby who came and cared for Bruce) sat with me and made sure my glass was filled. Peggy (who is a cancer survivor-yeah!!!!) had given me a card and gift of two bracelets after the wedding. Made by a local company's employees over their lunch breaks, these beaded bracelets are made in memory of cancer patients. Each color symbolized a type of cancer. She gave me the 'white' bracelet that represents lung cancer and the 'black' bracelet that represents mourning. They were the perfect gift at the perfect time! Plus, I had black and white on! Who would of thunk...I tell you God's plan is down to the minutest details at times!

During the evening festivities,many people were there at just the right moment, but two for sure helped me get through this tough evening. Liz, a roommate of Abby's during college spent time with me. She gave me kudos upon kudos for being brave and writing my honest and raw thoughts. Encouraging me to continue until I have nothing more to say. As a French teacher, I respect her intelligence and honesty in the moments we visited, danced and drank a shot together! (it was just one shot! ) She wants to take me to her YOGA class, the one where they sweat to death in heat! I will have to try it for sure if only just once. She also is a middle school teacher. I believe these teachers have an opportunity to affect a student, good, bad or indifferently. I believe a middle schooler especially a girl, or any emotionally charged student from a stressful home enviroment can be turned around and given an opportunity of their lifetime if a teacher such as Liz comes into their life. She is that kind of person. I wanted to so reinforce her committment to be there for her students.

The other person who touched my heart in a very special way, was a guy that Abby went to senior prom with. They went only as friends. His mom recently died. He is a sweet sweet guy. He had come up to me earlier in the evening to ask me to dance with him. I was so impressed. Besides Lance, and John the father of the bride, he was the only guy who asked me to dance. As we danced the slow dance I had requested, we visited about our losses. His mom and my husband. It dawned on me what my role for him was to be. I asked him if I could be his substitute mom from now on! He immediately melted, nodding and hugged me tightly. I know I can't replace his real mom. But, maybe I can fill the void he feels in his life. I believe it was just what he needed to hear.

So, the silver lining continues. In losing a husband, I have gained a son. I do hope he takes me up on 'calling me whenever he needs to talk' or stopping by for a visit and helping him navigate his world without his mom. It is the physical presence that we miss the most about the people we love when they are no longer here. As Val and Chris begin their life as one, I too, am beginning my life as one. Here's to the many couples out there who love one another til death do we part. May you live happily ever after. Fondly, Deb and forever Bruce