The Cemetary

With Spring here, I am finding it easier to make my way up to the Cemetary. I had called my friend, whose husband also died a few years ago to see if I needed to take some grass seed up. I had been up to his grave a few weeks ago and the ground was still all clumpy and barren. A half used votive candle was the only adornment. It had been bothering me that his grave looked like that. My friend, said "Yes, we need to do that, but don't spend a lot of money. The grass doesn't grow very well up in that area of the cemetary." You see, her husband lies right next to Bruce.

In January, when I was watching him slip down hill and lose his grasp on life, I began to ask those difficult questions. One of them was,"Bruce where do you want to be buried?" He said matter of factly; "In Greenwood - somewhere up by Carlyle". I remember at the time, choking out those words and writing down his answers in the little 'MY WISH LIST' booklet we had gotten from the attorney with our WILLs we had just had redone. But, now I am so glad that I had the strength to ask him those questions.

The first time we went out to the cemetary as a family after the Funeral was on VALENTINE's DAY. As a family we stood around the mound that covered our loving father and husband in the brittle cold night air and lit the votives inside the ICE LUMINARIES that our friends had made, put out there and lit nightly since his funeral. I tried not to cry. We were going out to eat and I didn't want to look like I had been bahling all day by the time we got to the restaurant. The next time we went as a family was EASTER weekend. It was easier, but still hard. Our youngest, my baby - Lance had said he had ridden his bike up there already. I got this feeling of vacant emptiness as he talked. I knew he had been mourning in his own way. It was this way, coming out to the cemetary..passing by his father's grave and thinking as he rides away his feelings.

I have stopped a few times by myself since then. I believe his presence is all around me. It isn't stronger up at the cemetary. Yet, I want his grave to look nice. It's kind of the same way Bruce and I always felt about going out in public..O.K., more me than him! Rarely would I leave the house without makeup, I guess you can call me whatever you want- VAIN is O.K., but for me, I am not completely dressed until I have my makeup on. Now Bruce on the other hand, ALWAYS COMBED his beautiful white hair, brushed his teeth...but it was very common to see him in raggy looking clothes, his sloppy old shoes, out and about in our small community.

So, even though my friend had said.."don't bother spending money to get the grass to grow", I did go out and buy a few bags of fertilizer (actually it was manure - being a farm girl, this is the best kind of fertilizer! I got a bag of topsoil and had some grass seed at home. I loaded up my rake, my hoe and a watering can full of water and by myself, off I went to the cemetary. Will this become a common theme in my life now?

When I arrived, I could see from the car, that the ground had been smoothed over. I even called Ty to see if he and Wendy had done this without telling me, but they reassurred me, no they had not been there. As I got closer, I saw a few sparse grass seeds resting on the top of the dirt. Grass is greening in the cemetary. I guess the greens keepers had put this down already. I thought for a minute, looked at the graves around him and decided; it will need a little more hard work to keep this grass growing. Determined to make grass grow in this area of the cemetary that probably is more clay or sand...it didn't deter me. So, I went back to the trunk, lifted out the bags of manure and dirt and dressed it off. It felt good to be there. I sprinkled the grass seed generously. Knowing that the last hand inside that bag had been Bruce's last spring. AFter watering it down, I knelt..facing the setting sun at the bottom of his grave and had my one of my daily conversations with him. I told him I had had a good day. The warmer weather and blue skies makes me happier. I am trying to get along on my own. I know that he is fine now. But, I still miss him more than words can say.

A few weeks ago, I called the boys down to the office as I was coming into town after work. I asked them if they wanted to go out to the monument place outside of town. I heard Lance asking Ty. He said, "yeh mom, sure, we will go" So, I drove to the office and picked them up. We arrived out there about 10 minutes before closing. I had been out there once before and had looked at the different styles. I did want something unique, but not too different. The owner was very kind and graciously took us back into the bowels, back where stacks of marble rest on little slats of wood. He showed the boys the irregularly rough cut black marble one I had shown interest in on my first visit. We then wandered back into the display area as he took a phone call and began looking at others. The boys were getting into this selection process! As we talked about Bruce and who he was, we decided the irregular shape would not be quite him. IT would be a little 'too different' for his taste. We then found one that all of agreed would be him. Because we have a single plot, ( I plan to be cremated and can be buried on top of him if the kids so choose to do that with me) the width is limited. The decision was made on a narrower, yet little taller version. A computer version with our name and birth/death dates, etc was printed off for us to review. It seemed right to order it. It won't be up by Memorial Day. That is OK.

The ground will be ready though. I am going to at least try to put my farm girl green thumb to task. Taking up water when we don't get rain to keep this area moist will be done in the next few weeks. Tending this important piece of land has given me the reason to visit Bruce. Nothing comes easy. Many times in the past few weeks as I have been outside, I think of all of our Springs together we have had. How we put in new shrubs, tore out old rock and then the pool. It now awaits just me. Bruce didn't like to swim, but he did like having a pool in the backyard. This will be tackled soon but for now, my thoughts are in tending a small piece of land that I really would like to see some grass grow on. Life goes on, life changes and life ends..all of this is evident to me today. TGIF..........fondly, Deb