I think our brain is this spectacular organ that we take for granted. The ability to remember is such a wonderful creation. How one can be transported back into time, feeling, sensing, hearing a voice, reliving a moment is an awesome ability! Yet, I have been struggling with remembering certain events that I want to really remember. That being, moments ...last moments and minutes and hours that I spent with Bruce. Some of them have become a blur.
I am a furniture rearranger. Ask anyone in my family. It is perhaps a disease I have. DIS - EASE with something that causes me to want to 'spruce things up' change things around and put a little magic back into all of the old things that I find comfort in. By simply rearranging the furniture... and the stuff that I have sitting all around, it seems to me, like I have created a 'new Season' inside the house. I had the carpets cleaned in our lower level last weekend. So...guess what was brewing in my mind all week? Yes; it was time to rearrange the furniture. The family room has gone under many transformations in the past 6 months.
Prior to Christmas and the prior to us knowing Bruce was ill, a major cleaning was done in November. I toyed with putting our second Christmas tree up, but elected to only have one on the main floor. Funny, how these simple half-conscious decisions seem to take on new meaning now. As if it were meant to be. As Bruce's diagnosis was made, and he came home from the hospital December 15, little did I think about the impact our family room would have. It became the STAGE for our last moments together.
THis important and aptly named room in our home has been the place, where we have spent years together as a family. Eating many meals on our TV trays - 1970 bright floral vintage - at one time we had 12 trays. They were a CHristmas gift from Bruce's folks perhaps the first year we were married. In our family room, our children have had many slumber parties there. As they became adults, went away to college and would be home for holidays - their friends would congregate once again here at our home. Many times, Bruce would come up in the morning from showering and tell me; "Did you know that Zach is downstairs?",one of Lance's friends, would be sacked out on the floor or sofas. Our extended family members have slept on the floor/ sofas and blowup beds in this room. In the winter time, it takes on a very special asset. With the woodburning stove stoked - it has a charming warmth. With many fleece blankets supplied, everyone is warm, cozy and together. Bruce's love of MOVIES became evident and when we bought our DVD player, he became a collector of movies. Lance and he went shopping for the right speakers. So, with surround sound that shakes the shingles on our rooftop - movies became real - transporting the viewers as if we were in an IMAX.
As Bruce lived his last weeks, his domain became the family room. He was most comfortable there. We spent many of our nights there. He on the sofa and me curled up on the loveseat. Alert and awake and at his beckon call - or at any slight movement or noise. I held vigil with him, being his steadfast private duty nurse and loving wife. Stoking the woodburning stove each time that I got up. If he awoke, he would flip on the tv. Perhaps is was a distraction for him. What does one think about who has been given the diagnosis of STAGE IV Lung cancer? During the day, it was where he and I would be. Our kids, friends and family members came over and 'hung out' with us. Yes, our evening meal, were served on those tv trays again. Now rusted, paint chipping and worn.
When the hospital bed arrived 5 days before he died, it was the only place we thought to put it. Now, this is where my memory is weak. I remember Ty and I moving the tv into the corner, so that Bruce would have a clear view, a straight on approach to see it. I just don't remember when we did it! I remember getting all hot and sweaty and working so hard to move all of this heavy furniture. But, I don't remember where Bruce was. And, that is what bothers me. He must have been there in the room with us. Didn't I need to atttend to him during this time? It is these little memory lapses that upset me. I have regretted that we didn't tape record the funeral. I have regretted that we didn't have more meaningful conversations, for me to remember. I want to replay them again in my head.
Just like I replay the day we left for the hospital to have each one of our children. For the firstborn - Ty - it was in the middle of a cold December night in DesMoines, IA. As we pulled out of the driveway, I remember clearly thinking; Our lives will be forever changed. The next time I return home, I will be a mother with a little baby to care for. Now, that little baby who is 30 years old is soon to leave his home - to go to the hospital for the birth of his firstborn - and his life will be forever changed.
Yes, the family room has been rearranged. For about the 5th time in as many months. Yes, I can still see Bruce sitting on the sofa and how he looked before he became ill. I can still see him how he looked when he was ill and I can still see him as he breathed his last breath. I can see his hand on the post as he supported himself to stand up those last few days. Many of these moments seem painful and emotional to remember, yet - each one to me is a prescious one. It helps me to understand just what this room has endured. It helps me to appreciate who we were. THat is, a very close family who did it up right, even in the end. All of the moments of all of the days, months and years I spent with Bruce that I can and want to recall, I want to savor. I want to hear his voice again, his laugh, and to feel his touch through memory. Well, it is better than nothing. And, that will have to do - for now.
Today, take time to remember a special moment in your life. Transport yourself there. Enjoy this marvelous gift. We never know what tomorrow is going to bring. May it be all things good for you and yours. Fondly, Deb
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