Conversations with.............

Yesterday I drove to Tomah, WI - a two hour car ride to meet up with my sister-in-law for a fun day. It was good for both of us. We are the in-laws to the two brothers we married. We are the two females that tied this family together. After Donna, our mother-in-law became ill and could no longer be the matriarch. We organized and planned many Holidays. These Holidays were centered around Bruce and Mike's sister LuAnn. Being a very special aunt to our children, we made sure our two families were always together for every major holiday. Later on, the two of us planned our TOKHEIM CLAN vacations. This summer outing has been a fun retreat for the cousins as they have grown to become adults. This retreat was also meant to be just for the two families. A time without LuAnn. We are getting together this summer in Cumberland for a 5 day cabin experience. Our adult children will come and go throughout the weekend. It will be very different without Bruce around to liven up the place with his loud voice and presence. This is what Shirley and I spent time visiting about yesterday. That being, the difficulty in moving through these family get togethers. As we sat down to eat, she pulled out a card and a letter. It was a response to my EASTER BLOG. She was responding to me not feeling part of the family. She wanted me to know that it wouldn't be allowed! I know what she meant. I would be telling her exactly the same thing if she were in my shoes. I know I am part of the family, but the reality remains that I am no longer considered married. That marriage was to Bruce. That is the part that bothers me.

The car has become my sanctuary. Yesterday as I drove out of River Falls, the fog was resting gently on the tree tops. Everything had an ethereal appearance. I couldn't help it, I said outloud to myself, "This looks like Heaven to me!, Does it look like heaven Bruce? " The music in the 6 CD slots in the car is all Christian or instrumental of some sort. I can't get myself to listen to the radio, or to news or to happy music....not in my car. It is the time, when I have private conversations with myself, with God and with Bruce. The memories of moments with Bruce are very strong in the car. I think it is because we had many of our conversations there. Held captive for 1,2 or 4 hours in a car - we utilized this time by talking.

Like many families, over the years, we developed bad habits. Eating not at the table, but in front of the television for dinner. This, decreased the amount of conversations we would have. Don't get me wrong, we would sit at the table when all of the kids were over, but I am talking about Bruce and I...intimate conversation time. Just the two of us...most of those conversations took place in the car. Sometimes I would feel the need to talk, and we hadn't evidently gone anywhere for awhile, so I would call him at work and say, "let's go out to eat" . There in public, sitting across from one another, face to face, we would converse.

Unlike my parents, whom I can hear talking early in the morning when they first wake up, or before they go to bed. For some reason, Bruce and I didn't talk lying down. Unless, we were watching television and commenting on something that we were watching. Yes, the telelvision in the bedroom isn't always a good idea. Oh...we teased one another and made light conversation, but I am talking about STUFF...that couples need to talk about. Those conversations happened sitting upright, and most of the time in the car!

So...with all of the pounding away at these keys on this keyboard, the light is shed on my dilemma. The car reminds me of Bruce. That is why I feel sad, let myself be sad and shed more tears there than anywhere else. His voice seems to come into my ears most easily in the car. I am a lover of nature. The moon, the sun, the stars, the clouds - everything gets me excited. The big horizons, the landscapes of Wisconsin -whatever I see out the windshield excites me! I couldn't help myself. Many times, I would say - "Bruce...look at that, isn't it beautiful?" Now, with each new beautiful thing I see in front of me, it reminds me of him. That is cool.

Last night as I was going upstairs to bed, the moon began to brilliantly shine though the windows. As I was pulling my shade down in the bedroom, I noticed the FULL MOON. I had just listened to the news, this gorgeous month of MAY..we will be blessed with two Full moons. So, like me, keep your eyes peeled at the end of the month for the BLUE MOON. As I stood at my window having a conversation with myself, I couldn't help it, I had to go outside on the deck. I walked through the dark house, opened up the sliding door and stood out on the deck in my pajamas just gazing at the moon. As I did so, the words on a placque I had read earlier in the day in a little country store in Tomah drifted into my voice. "I will LOVE YOU TO THE MOON and BACK!" I said over and over. Yes, Bruce...that is how I feel. No matter where I am in my life, that is how I am going to be feeling. Especially when I see a full moon.

Maybe the baby will be born during the blue moon. If so, I can hear Bruce say..."THAT's SO COOL"! Enjoy today and especially tonight and have a face to face conversation with the one you love. Fondly, Deb