The Longest Day

June 21, 2007...as I was in my car this afternoon running errands, I wondered what I had done last June - one year ago - but more so, I wondered, what Bruce had done, how had he felt, was he beginning to not feel well and not say anything or not? I wondered why I hadn't cared to remember each day.

My Grandma Schutte, my father's mother, kept a diary every day! She could look back 1 month, 1 year, 10 years or more and find out what had happened on that day. It might have been only a 5 line entry in a 5 year diary...but she took the time to write down what had happened; where they had gone, what the weather was like, what she had accomplished. I have many of these old diaries of hers. She died when I was in 8th grade. She had dark hair, she dyed her hair too. I loved her! I was called 'LITTLE MYRTE ' after her... it was what made me me. Being a middle child and very independent, I needed something that connected ONLY ME...to something else. MY Grandma was an important part of my life. She was present weekly in those days. She and my Grandpa would come out to our farm almost daily in the summer time and 'help' out. She immediately would get the broom and sweep the kitchen floor! My mom wasn't insulted. She loved all of the help she could get.

Life was slower and simpler then, but somethings don't take that much time. That is, a moment to write down what happened.

Last night, Bruce's brother and wife were here for dinner. I showed him the BIBLE that belonged to HIS GRANDMA...his mother's mother. I had found it in Bruce's nightstand. Reading through this bible and all of the little pieces of paper it contained was a treasure trove of memories for Mike as well. Mike asked if he could have some paper to take some notes. I considered just telling him he could have it, but I thought again. There was a reason that is was in my home in the first place. We cared enough years ago when we were dividing up the 'STUFF' in their parent's home to keep this bible. Even though I hadn't opened it for years. It fascinated me. Had Bruce ever looked at it? I can't really tell you. I want to think, he had when we brought it home. He used to tell me he read the dictionary to keep himself entertained when he was growing up. Sometimes living out in the country can be boring. Sometimes boring is good. It makes one do things..like read the dictionary or lie on the grass and look at cloud formations. It makes one take time to think and wonder and ponder life's mysteries. That isn't all bad.

Today, I met a friend at the bank. We hadn't seen one another since the funeral. She earnestly asked me how I was doing. I had just come from the cemetary. On their way out of town, Bruce's brother and wife wanted to go there. As we were in the cemetary saying goodbye to one another, the tears began to flow. Then, 5 minutes later in the bank, my friend and I both welled up again. The love I know she has for her husband, is much like the love I have for Bruce...the sorrow I feel...the loss I have experienced...all married couples will go through one day. That hurts me to think that others will also have to endure the TILL DEATH DO WE PART. This, that I am experiencing isn't something new..women and men every day lose their partner. Life goes on, I know that. I just somehow must help myself move through this..I must think, and ponder and wonder. I call is ruminating. I do a lot of ruminating. chewing and rechewing my thoughts and feelings. It is through this that I feel I inch forward...

The sun has now set on this longest day. I remember, back in December...the Winter Solstice...6 months ago...the shortest day...I had begun to keep a journal starting on the 19th. Bruce had had his first CHEMO treatment that day. I wrote: First Chemo Appt with Toonen. We like th guy. Pet Scan results = Stage 4. It was no surprise. Chemo took 5 hours. Bruce did well. No side effects of chemo except being tired.

So much has happened in 6 months. My head spins to think about it. For instance, I have learned how to change the oil in my lawnmower, how to put on a new airfilter on the lawnmower after putting too much oil in it. I have learned how to fix my pool pump and light the pilot on the pool heater. I have learned how heavy a 40# bag of softner salt is. I have learned how to read insurance claims. I have learned that you must close your joint checking account when your husband dies. I have figured out how to charge the cordless drill and how to change bits.

Most importantly, I have learned that I will go on without Bruce. I need my family and friends. I want to be happy and productive. Life is worth living. BUT, I still miss him horribly. As I had a private conversation with him on the way to the cemetary, I asked him how he was. Just then, raindrops fell. I thought perhaps it was a sign that he was sad. But, I know he isn't. Bruce's spirit...would never be down. It lives, somewhere out there. I know!

Deb