What to say, what not to say

Today, the thoughts are pouring out onto the keyboard.

Yesterday, I had the dreaded procedure! The colonoscopy. It had been scheduled for December of 2006. But, Bruce had just been diagnosed. I couldn't deal with it at that time. It was time for me to deal with this. At least, I thought so. But...my butt thought differently. Being a nurse, I should not have any trouble with these procedures, but the closer I got to the day, the more I dreaded it and the more I didn't want to carry through with it. But, I did. With Abby's encouragement in her Bruce-like-nature-way...we joked as she dropped me off at the hospital. I knew what the outcome would be, a clean bill of health. And, it was just that!

As I waited and waited due to a logjam in the Outpatient Department, my nurse whom I have known visited with me. She has had Cancer herself. She knew about Bruce. She treaded softly until I brought up Bruce's name. Then, she gently began to talk to me about it. "How are you doing?" she asked with empathy. I had tears, my voice broke....but I wanted to talk to her about it. We spent time talking about her cancer, people we know who have cancer, our experiences with hospice and all sorts of stuff. It felt good. I do need to talk. I know that. As the Dr came in, whom I had never met before. He sat down to explain, answer questions, etc. I broke down, telling him that "I was having a bad moment". He immediately responded with empathy and concern. I explained how this too was a 'full circle' event. Since I had scheduled it the week in December that Bruce was diagnosed, it was significant that I now was going through with it...he immediately sensed my grief, reached for my hand and got a spark of memory look in his eyes. He had remembered my cancellation story back in December. This man, spent some precious time allowing me to be me. My respect for him soared in that moment.

I know that people worry about what to say and what not to say to women and men who have lost someone. I am finding out, there are few things that insult me. I would rather have someone ask in an uncomfortable way how I am doing, than to avoid the subject all together. I have had the wierdest things asked of me. I have had some people not think before speaking, but I know, that in their deepest inner being...they truly care about me. They just don't have the ability to put into words an appropriate way of speaking.Bruce did die of Lung cancer. It was because he smoked for years. I know that. I don't need people to remind me that seeing him have a cigarette is how they remember him. Since, he rarely smoked in front of me or others...it seems odd that someone would say that. And, someone has said that to me.

So, in ending this commentary on what to say and what not to say. SAY IT! If you aren't sure how to say it, then say that - "I really don't know how to say this, but I really want you to know how much I care!" Then...let the bereaved do the talking.
I know I am working on being a better listener. It wasn't one of my gifts I received. Listening and allowing someone to pour out their feelings is the best gift one can give to someone like me.

Thank you to all of you who have done just that. I count you as precious. Love, Deb