Babies, Babydoll and Father's Day

I am exhausted, but feel good. I have accomplished a huge task today. It seemed impossible to some, but it has all fallen together.

It started sometime in April when I saw a 10pm local news feature on a preemie that was in need of home care nurses. He had been born 3 months early. (Oct 27) and due end of January. This news feature was right before Easter. His Dr's had OK'd him to go home with 24 hour nursing care. His lungs were so immature at birth, that he has had a few compications that develop with very premature babies. He needs assistance keeping all of those teeny tiny little air sacs open inside of his lungs. Also, he poops out breathing, therefore a machine is required to give him a few breaths now and then. (20/minute in fact- a newborn breathes 30-60 breaths per minute) He started out at not quite 1.5#!

Back in April, I couldn't stop thinking about this baby. After Easter weekend, I looked up the tv station on the internet and reread the newsbrief on him, found his parents name - then I looked up their name in the phone book, gave them a call and asked if they had home care in place yet. The baby's mother told me that a home care agency out of the Twin Cities had said they would help find nurses. Let me tell you -It is a very difficult task. Out here in Western Wisconsin, finding nurses who will drive from the twin cities 1 hour to care for a baby...is not easy. BUT... because I am an Independent - already a Private Duty nurse ... I knew how to go about setting up home care. This is what I have been doing for years with my other patient - Matt.
I explained a bit of this to the mother and asked if I could come up to the hospital to visit. She was excited and cautious. I then, called a dear friend who has been with Matt for many years. She was looking for more work, is an excellant nurse and fills in the details of my gaps. ( we make a good team ) She was excited too. Then, we both went up to the hospital to visit this darling little baby with great big brown eyes and his parents.
We both knew from the get-go that it was meant to be. That this was more than just a patient and nurse relationship. Call me what you want, but God is directing my life. He is orchestrating my every move. He knew what I needed at just the right time to help me grieve, help me move through my grief and help me live again. The word that kept coming into my thoughts about this baby was that I was "compelled" to call, to go see and to act. Webster's definition says compel is a "power influence - to force or drive especially in a course of action". Now I am wondering if it is this tiny little now 13 pound baby that is 'driving MS DEB'. Well, whoever is in the driver's seat...it has affected me greatly.

Between a newspaper ad, some word of mouth between excellant homecare nurses that I know and trust and then a few last minute GOD SENT Nurse (angels)...it has all come together. Back in April, when the mother was being interviewed, she wanted to get her baby home by "MOTHER'S DAY". Being a mom, being a nurse of preemie babies, I understood her desires. As my friend, Nancy and I made our first home visit in early May...we stood at their door saying goodbye and I broke the news to these first time young parents who have been through more angst than most people go through in an entire lifetime. I said, "I can't get your baby home by Mother's day for you, but our goal is going to be FATHER's DAY!" I saw her deflated look. I couldn't do anyhing about it.

So, today, I arrived at their home at 7am, and began getting all of his supplies ready for him and in a place that will be functional. Then the three of us left for the one hour ride to the hospital. Their son has been a patient there for 7 months. They could not believe the day had finally arrived that we were bringing him home. It was quite an ordeal! Friendships with nurses and medical staff have been made over this time frame. Their son was probably one of the OLDEST patients in Newborn Intensive Care. Nurses streamed into his room to say goodbye and have their pictures taken with him. Their primary nurse, Vicki...was invited to come along in the ambulance for the trip home to Wisconsin. With monitors, a ventilator, oximeters,oxygen, and a crew of 3 + myself and Vicki and the mother who got to ride up front; This little baby got to come home FINALLY! In his carseat, with his big brown eyes, he looked around and couldn't quite figure out just what was going down. Considering the length of time it has been since I have cared for a preemie on a vent, it came back to me like riding a bike. I had no fears, I felt at ease. I wonder why? I think I know.

Watching these two new parents with their baby finally at home in his own room, in his own crib is the reason I do what I do.

As Bruce got sicker and sicker in that last month of his life, the month that this little baby was supposed to be born...I began to call Bruce, baby...and babydoll when I would be doing something for him. I was aware of my words. They were words I hadn't used with him before, yet - they seemed so appropriate to use. What is or was the connection? I don't know, I never will know in this lifetime, yet ... I wonder.

I am so excited that my promise to these parents to get their baby home by Father's Day ...that goal...actually was met! I believe that God is watching over me. He knows how important certain things are to me and to you. He orchestrates our lives IF we allow him to, to meet our most inner needs. The hardest part in all of life is allowing ourselves to trust our GOD. Trust those heartfelt messages that tug, pull at out heart, and come into our thoughts.

I will be with my new grandbaby on Father's Day. Watching my son be a father will keep me preoccupied. Yes, I can't help but miss Bruce these days. He didn't really care if he got a gift on this day. What he wanted most was for his family to be there ALL TOGETHER...with him. We will be all together and we all know he is with us in spirit.

Like a chapter in a book, I feel like I have started another chapter in my life. Not only with this little bundle of a patient that I am caring for, but also with my new baby granddaughter. I look at her and see so many parts of Bruce. Her little expressions and features remind me of him. NO, I haven't forgotten him or gotten through my grief. But, life is a bit easier on a scale of 1-10 these days. Tears still stain my cheeks. I still worry that someone may know that I just had a crying session by myself before I meet up with them. I still don't want to go places alone. I still say at bedtime and upon awakening,"Good night Bruce, I love you honey!" But, I am functioning, I am moving forward and I am living ON PURPOSE.

Happy Father's Day to all of the men out there who might read my words. You are important to your children, no matter what their age. And as I close this posting, I think of my own father. I got to see him last evening. MY brother graciously FLEW our folks up from Iowa for a two hour visit with their newest GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER. I watched my father as he tenderly held this newest life form. His large aged hands gently touched Avery's little hand. I have captured it in my memory. My dad still is so prescious to me. He has had a long and happy life. He has touched many hearts. He will never be forgotten. God Bless him and Thank you dad for being you. I love you.
Debra Gail Schutte Tokheim, the "middle one" out of five children of Gail and Mary Jean Schutte from Shady Grove - Jesup, Iowa.